My ex wants to be friends, what Should I do?

[David9834]

We spilt 4 months ago, I still miss her everyday, I still love her. We split because I wasn't mature enough, I did stupid little things and it all built up, I'm ready to learn from my mistakes and move forward. I feel like that will be really hard being her friend, she's already with someone new, it's not a rebound relationship. She's told me she needs me, she missed how close we were, all that. But still she's moved on, of course i would love to one day be in the position to be with her again, but that's likely years, I won't sit around and wait though, i made mistakes, but still she chose to leave. I understand why, but she walked away. Anyways, should I tell her that I can't be friends? I do want to be her friend, because I love her and can't just turn away from her, but maybe the only way to truly grow is to move on without her, and if anything, reach out in a couple years, not as in I'm going to wait a couple years and call saying lets date. but rather to grow, mature, move on, date others, and call just to see how she is, of course if she's single and I am too, then of course Id might suggest slowly working on maybe getting back together, anyways, should I not be her friend? Or stick it out, I also feel like if I stay her friend, she'll see how different I become over time, Any advice would help..

[winniethepooh]

but still she chose to leave. I understand why, but she walked away. Anyways, should I tell her that I can't be friends?

No.

 

Unless she is bothering you about wanting to be friends. She dumped you and has found someone else. If you deserved to be dumped then leave her alone and make sure you fix the reasons why you got dumped if you want to fix them. If you didn't deserve to be dumped then leave her alone and bluntly tell her to go away if she bothers you.

 

Her telling you you're not mature enough as a reason for dumping you sounds lame to me. Unless she gave you specifics like you drink too much, you still play in children's playgrounds (without your own children), you still live with your mother and father (and she doesn't), etc.

 

Only consider contacting her again after you are sure you don't care how she reacts. Even then, wait another 6 months to 1 year.

 

I also feel like if I stay her friend, she'll see how different I become over time,

She might. She'll also get used to you being a good friend and be very comfortable with you being in her friend zone. You'll be frustrated and you'll be giving her resources that belong to your future partner and family, not your ex, because you will still be trying to win her back, even if subconsciously.

 

She's told me she needs me

If she dumps you and then tells you that then she's either a child, delusional, or manipulating you. That's why I'm so blunt about telling you to stay away from her.

[David9834]

Of course you don't know me or her so it's hard to give advice, on some things if you knew our whole situation I'm sure you would understand, on other things you are absolutely right!! Thank you so much for such a long response, I think I'll do a little of what you said, in my own way. I think maybe I'll kindly tell her, you left, now you have to move on without me, instead of something like GO AWAY!!!! anyways, thank you, she's not manipulating me at all, but I think she may be unintentionally using my kindness, she knows that if she calls ill answer and talk with her, be there for her, etc... Every time I tell her, im unsure if i can be her friend, she says take all the time you need to heal and etc.. thing is no amount of time will change that I love her, and I want to be with her, so maybe overall, the best thing for both of us, is to move forward with little to no contact, P.s she left after two years because I did stupid like look at her phone, it was only one guy, i didnt trust him, but still no excuse, I got upset over stupid like her maybe wearing a revealing shirt( it wasnt at all revealing, just more so than usaul for her) Anyways i believe i deserved to get dumped, but not forever, i think we could have worked through it, like taking a long break, time, space, etc. she thought different though, anyways idk if you will see this, but thank you so much!

[SpottiOtti]

1. If you ever want her back, you have to give her time to miss you.

 

2. If you still love her and want her back, then what you want is not friendship, so you would be her "friend" under false pretense. Don't be that guy.

 

3. The way you know you are ready to be friends with an ex is if you can imagine them telling you they are dating someone else, and not feel anything about it except happy for them.

[winniethepooh]

she's not manipulating me at all, but I think she may be unintentionally using my kindness, she knows that if she calls ill answer and talk with her, be there for her, etc...

You won't know if she's manipulating you or not, intentional or not, until you have fallen out of love with her and can see clearly again. You sound like you're still in love with her.

 

Obviously I'm only making guesses based on what you say, and influenced by my own experiences and observations.

 

My guess is that she is manipulating you, but I accept it might be unintentional, or just habit if your nature is to be kind to her and let yourself get used. Does that happen with other people too?

 

What balance was there? What did you use her for and how kind was she to you?

[ParisPaulette]

Unless you're into being an emotional crutch for her to wean herself fully off of you and go date someone else tell her no, you aren't friends. Nope, tell her if she's lonely and wants a friend a dog or cat is a really excellent choice for that. But to respect you and give you space and time to heal. And when you're healed and all dating other people and could care less then maybe you can all be friends. "Until then, don't call me I'll call you." Friends do not break your heart then come back around and say, "I'm lonely, I need you to feel better about myself and hurting you. But we aren't best friends anymore and we're not ever going to be."

 

I'm sorry, but I'm seeing how this all about making her feel better and what she wants. I don't see any real caring or empathy for you in her words. Do you? You need to go NC and heal, she has said she doesn't want to get back together, so this is going to be just more salt in an open would you're trying to heal up. If she really missed you that badly she wouldn't have broken up in the first place. She's just finding it hard to suddenly realize she may not be quite the bell of the ball she thought she'd be.

 

Let her deal with the consequences of letting you go. Doormatting and being at her beck and call will not garner you any respect and it sends a very bad message that you are there for her no matter what she does or doesn't do. And one day she will find someone else and then won't be in touch any longer. Are you prepared for that? It will set you back when you could have moved on.

 

Honestly, anyone who really cares about you or wants to do the right thing knows how daft the demand to remain in touch and be friends after they've hurt you so badly is.

[emz87]

Me and an ex did the friendship thing...very quickly turned into friends with benefits...I walked away telling them I couldn't be friends with them because I'd realised I still had strong feelings for them. And I walked away. A little while later, I ended up hurting again and stupidly drunk texted a declaration of my newly discovered remaining feelings for them and how we should date again. After they angrily said no, I angrily had a go at them for constantly messing me about.....

All bridges thoroughly burnt.

Lesson is.....exes can not be friends, unless it's a rare and truly special relationship. Guaranteed there is still feelings somewhere, can lead to ulterior motives, most certainly someone ends up hurt.

Cut your losses, move on.

[Dottieflanogon]

is IMPOSSIBLE to be friends with your ex while you have feelings for them. It will destroy you.

 

 

She's being friends with you for herself .This is different than a regular close friendship (think of your closest friend other than her) where it's a mutual desire to share things with another person and a source of mutual support along life's journey. This is her wanting you around for some reason other than those, even if she doesn't realize it. Maybe it's because you're comfortable and familiar to her and there were good things about your partnership that she doesn't want to let go of. Maybe it's because she's scared of being alone. Maybe she wants you as his back burner guy. Or maybe, to relieve her own guilt.