Woman soul Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 I want to forgive him for sleeping with someone else.... But it's hard.... I can't seem to forget... I want to know if there is actual success in this matter I want to be able to trust him again... And never mention it... But is it possible to take it off from my head... I at the same time believe I should forgive but never forget? I don't know how to make things better??? I love him and I'm willing to give it a chance but I just don't know where to start Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Why should you forgive him for cheating on you? Has he shown any remorse? Apologized? Link to comment
j.man Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 It's a rare person who can genuinely forgive their partner for cheating and I've never heard of it happening without a combination of individual and couples therapy. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 If his entire solution is "I said I was sorry" and he goes about his merry way with no change and you go about your way with stewing, but no change then it won't work. Cheating is a symptom of something gone wrong in a relationship whether it's that one partner ignored loud red flags that the other was never going to be faithful to begin with or has serious issues of the "can't maintain and do the work to keep a monogamous relationship on track" OR things got stale between you or you're incompatible in some way or there's a power struggle over something etc. etc. etc. But until and unless you BOTH want to fix it and you sit down and address it together, and you both change whatever led to the cheating in the first place--whatever or however drastic that change may be--the problem will not be fixed. Someone else being disloyal and lying to you isn't a problem you just fix yourself. That's like saying, "Give me a drug, so I don't mind being stolen from and abused on a daily basis." Not going to happen nor should it. Because the hard fact is he should also be working to figure out why he cheated and what he can do to not cheat again whether that means he stops drinking or going out with the boys or hanging out on dating sites or whatever, why ever. Saying sorry or I'll never do it again alone after a massive betrayal of any sort is simply not enough to fix the problem. Would you be okay if your bank stole thousands of dollars from you, you caught them in the act, they said they were sorry and they'd never do it again? Would you say, "Oh, okay. Well, get my money back whenever you can and it's cool so long as you said you're sorry. I really like you guys and don't want to bank anywhere else." No, you'd file reports, probably get a lawyer and you would go bank somewhere else. And cheating is the same thing. Sorry alone just doesn't cut it. He needs to do his part to and if he won't or can't then you're hanging on a fantasy and ignoring clear red flags that the guy just isn't relationship material no matter how much you want him to be. Couples therapy if he's willing to go. But please keep in mind it's actually not just up to you to "fix" your thinking so that you and you alone are "okay" with his cheating. What is he doing to rebuild the relationship, to earn your trust back, to make amends. Link to comment
DoF Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 What went wrong? You guys have to put your finger on that and figure it out. Prevent it from ever happening again. You need him to prove to you WITH ACTION not just words. He needs to do A LOT of work. Sorry and go on will not work. Also, once the trust is broken.......well, history is a good indicator of the future, unless of course he can prove that wrong. Link to comment
starbar Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 It doesn't go away. My bf signed up to a dating site and just lurked on it for a few days-never acted on it thankfully but when I found out a few months later, the damage was done and the trust was broken. I was able to access his activity and knew he never spoke to anyone or gave any personal info or pictures but the fact he even thought about it, cut quite deep and to this day (3years and a baby later), it still hurts and I still fear it could happen again or if it does, he may act on it.. I kinda wish I left back then coz it is hard to live with this anxiety and fear but I do love him and since he never acted on it I chose to forgive him and I am still trying to get over it.. All I know is there is no way I would have stayed had he acted on it and if he ever does, I will be gone Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 What has HE done to prove that this won't happen again? This is not on you, he has to take steps too to repair the relationship. What will he do differently now to prove this won't happen again? Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.