This Is A Tricky One, Need Serious Advice!

[alphonsefa]

For the past 4 months, I had been dating a girl I graduated high school with some 20 years ago. There are a few twisits to this story that I want to get out front. When she began seeing me she had just come out of a 6 year abusive relationship. Most of the abuse was mental but there were some incidents of physical abuse, and holding her against her will. I know it was a bad position for me to be in because I wound up her rebound guy. After a couple of months seeing me, when outwardly all aspects of the relationship were great, she took off and went back to him. She had described her attraction to him like an addiction. She knew he had ruined her family and put her through hell for 6 years, but they would just keep going back with each other. So when this went down, I walked away from it all and had no more contact with her. Well 2 dates into their reconcilliation, she leaves a message on my machine while she was in hysterics, telling me that everything I warned her about was happening. Later she said that the reason for the phone call was to let me know how miserable she was, because she knew she had hurt me very badly, and hoping that me knowing that would appease my sense of vengance.

 

As it turned out, she came right back to me which I know was also a mistake to let happen, but when your feelings are involved you sometimes make wrong decisions. She stayed another month and then broke it off saying she just wanted to be alone and that I should move on, ect... She was starting to show obvious signs of stress and would continually, voluntarily apologize for her behavior at times. The other part you should know is that she has battled severe depression since she was a teenager. She did the whole counseling thing, actually went to numerous counselors, and it's only gotten worse. She takes medication for it, which she says helps a little, but she doesn't want to up the dosage on it. Not knowing the depths of "severe depression" I just thought it was something she would come out of eventually. I've read some meaterial on depression and understand her and the things she said a little better now.

 

So in the second break, I again let her be, had NO CONTACT with her for 19 days. This was a girl that sounded pretty definitive when she ended it again the second time. I knew for a fact that some of what she said and what her previous actions and words were, didn't quite match up. Let me say, I knew for a fact that she still had strong feelings for me. This isn't me reading into something that wasn't there, the girl had done and said things that would leave no other conclusion. I also knew that she had broken off 2 previous engagements so there was always that fear of commitment cloud hovering in my mind; was I destined to be the next? So after 19 days I get a a call from her updating me on some money she owed me. Now the money thing had already been discussed and I knew the call was really just an excuse to contact me. So we had a good talk, got our points of view accross and then said our goodbyes. The next day I get an email asking if we should try again. I told her to call me and we'll talk. She called and to be honest, still sounded as confused as ever, so I didn't press her on anything and kept the conversation light. I let a couple of days pass and then made a dinner date with her a week and a half in advance, I figured it would give her more time to get her head together and that we could talk over things at dinner. Four days later she calls to tell me that she wants to cancel dinner and that maybe we could schedule it later. But in her tone I could tell that she was severly depressed again and she even admitted it. I guess it was the frustration of the past 4 months, the relationship was very passionate and very intense. I just said, "I don't see any point in rescheduling anything. You aren't happy when you are with me, aren't happy when you are without me, and aren't happy alone. I can't take the BS anymore, you are too much to deal with". Then she said quietly, "I understand". And to her credit she had warned me a few times that I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I guess she knew that eventually, no matter how happy she was, she would slip back into this depression spiral.

 

Having now read a lot of info on the subject, I know that her depression and moods really have nothing to do with me, and that is a very hard thing to understand when you love that person. You can't help but take a lot of the mood swings personally, it's just human nature.

 

So as my frustration level grew during the call, I told her, just mail me the money. She, much to my surprise, was hurt by the comment and said that she would really rather drop it off to me. She also said that she doesn't want me to have to wait around for her, to see if she ever gets out of this. Then she threw me for another loop and told me she'd love to hear from me from time to time, and that she doesn't always want the conversation to be focused on her and her problems. I wished her well and said goodbye to her.

 

I won't initiate any contact with her, it won't be good for me or her, regardless of what she asks. She says that it's easier for her to be alone and deal with the depression, and that she doesn't want to drag me into it.

I understand that and she sounds determined when she says those things, but then why did she call me and email me? I was trying to let her go, and now I feel like I was pulled back in and then forced to walk away from it. I don't want to be just her friend, and from thing she said when she called me back, she doesn't see me as just a friend either. Not to be too graphic, but this was a woman that before we were ever physically together, told me that sex wasn't really that important to her anymore. She out of the blue said to me during our phone conversation when she called after the 19 days of No Contact, "I miss the sex with you. I wish I could just turn it off, but it comes back to me". So I'm certain that there is an emotional and physical attraction on both sides.

 

Meeting and dating women has always been easy for me, but I have never had the connection with anyone the way I had with her. We could sit and talk for hours, we just sort of got each other. Though I will try to step aside gracefully once again, there is a part of me that still wants her in my life, and I know there is a part of her that wants me in her life. This isn't your typical boy and girl break up scenario, given the abuse she had previously suffered and the depression she has fought for years. I don't know what else to do but to let her go, I wish I could save her but I know I can't. Though I won't contact her, I'm guessing she will eventually contact me again, even after she delivers the money she owes me. Knowing she has no friends, which is strange enough, and doesn't have anyone in her family to talk to. How do I tell her that I can't be her friend? Even though I love her and would give the world for her, I don't think I could do the "small talk", it would only leave the door of possibility open and would only lead to more hurt. If this were a somewhat normal person, that would be a possibility, but I don't ever forsee her getting any better.

[Hope75]

This is a tough situation.

 

It sounds like her depression in combination with the abuse she suffered has left her with very little self esteem.

 

This is a precarious position for you, and I think you have all the answers you need right here in your post.

 

Unfortunately, your ex is very confused and depressed and though I doubt she means to, she is dragging you along for the roller coaster ride of her emotions by taking you back and then breaking it off and contacting you again.

 

I'm sorry that you have lost her and that you felt such a connection with her which will make it harder to move on, but she sounds really unstable and I think you know that being with her is just going to be like that and it's probably best that you get away and stay away.

 

We can't save anybody but ourselves, but you know that already as you've said, and now you must save yourself by choosing not to allow yourself to get involved with her again.

 

Where there's smoke, there's fire, and this girl is smoking.

[fantasia2004]

I agree she must be willing and able to want to take herself out of the state of mind she is in. You can only do so much by listening to her. not cuddling weaknesses but encourage her strengths.

 

she is emotional right now tell her to call you nicely when she finally snaps out of it.

 

trust me I went throught it which is why my ex had to end it with me when I got too much for him at least one of reasons for him breaking up with me.