Not moving forward... he is still on a pedastal

[Heartbrok3n445]

My ex and I have been broken up for 8 weeks now and NC for about 6 weeks.

 

I haven't heard from him since my last contact which he ignored.

 

I've realised a lot in this break up but mostly about myself. I feel I am slowly getting myself back. But I STILL can't see the flaws of my ex!

 

Everyone see's the things he did to me in our relationship and although I am AWARE of it and know that he did those things I still don't see it I guess??

 

I still blame myself, even though it wasn't my fault and the things I did do wrong (whinge, fight, get upset, etc) were because of HIS actions in the first place. But it jusr hasn't sunk in and I still, I guess, justify his behaviour?

 

When, or how, can I take him of this pedastal!? Will it just come with time or is there ways I can do this?

 

In all honesty if he called and wanted me back I'd give him another chance in a heartbeat (not that he would anyway) and that's NOT a good thing. I want to be at a stage where if that ever happened, I'd be strong enough and smart enough to walk away.

 

Obviously the above wouldn't happen but I'm using it to better describe how I feel.

 

I know it takes time and I need to be patient. But I feel like I've hit a wall. I'm not moving forward, yet I'm not going backwards. But I want to start moving forward again.

 

Thanks everyone xxxx

[kiara17]

I know your probably tired of hearing this but continue to use this time to focus on yourself. It sounds like your making progress which is good, but you have to remember that those feelings for your ex won't go away quickly - especially if you dated for a long time. So it's okay to still feel this way, everyone heals differently in different amounts of time. For now, try to look at what an amazing person you are, and know that even tho you made mistakes, it sounds like he did a lot to instigate fights and cause problems, which isn't right. Realize your worth more than that, and that you'll find someone who values you for who you are, and will bring out the best in you. For now, keep going day by day, and you'll get through it

[hopeful4545]

I'm in similar situation, sorry I can't offer help, looking for some myself. I blame myself for everything. Love her completely even though she's been very mean to me at times lately. The friends I've whined to point out so many things and say I am much better off and can do better and I need to see this, and accept that...but I cant! Hope we can start moving forward heartbrok.

[kbbcoop77]

Takes time. I was in the same boat for months but now after 16 months post split after a 24 year relationship I'm so much better and KNOW I would never take her back if she crawled to me over glass. It took a long time to get where I am at and I'm not going backwards. Have to move forward.

[ajhurst210]

I understand exactly how you feel. I was with my ex for a little under 3 years. There was a lot of things she did wrong to me. Everyone in my life saw them and reminds me of them. I knew she was bad for me during our relationship, I know she's bad for me now too.

 

But God help me I miss her every single day. Night and day. And like you, if she came crawling back right now (which she wouldn't) I'd take her back, even against my better judgement.

 

That's the thing about love. It's blind. And some of us are just too loyal to it.

 

I can't tell you you won't stay in love with your ex and want him back or keep them on this pedestal for awhile. Maybe even a long while.

 

But remind yourself every day all the reasons why the two of you broke up. Why it's the best thing for you. And more importantly, what it means for you and how much it frees you up to find and meet the person you're actually supposed to be with for the rest of your life that will treat you amazingly.

 

I know that's hard to believe. And really something to scoff at right now. But you'll look back on all this one day and ask yourself why you were so upset over it. It's just a long walk through the fog. But eventually things will clear up. Keep trudging forward with your head held high. Everything will be okay.

[browneyedgirl36]

This is how I look at the "pedestal" thing -- in hindsight (which really IS 20/20, as I've come to figure out):

 

I felt the same way about my ex for a long time. Even though I KNEW he was a terrible relationship partner -- among other issues he had -- I still head this weird, almost "worship" thing going on for him. I could enumerate thousands of things he said and did that made him a bad partner for me, could be angry that he'd treated me poorly, but STILL I found myself wishing things could work out (even though I knew they wouldn't, and trying again would result in disaster).

 

Here's the conclusion I came to: That whole "worship"/"pedestal" thing wasn't about him at all. It was about ME and how I felt about myself. I was so down on myself, feeling unworthy, unlovable, etc. that I elevated him to some god-like status and took his rejection as proof there was something wrong with me. Basically, his rejection of me just fed a bunch of lies I'd been telling myself about myself for a long time. So, it wasn't at all that he was so great that I could never get over him -- it was that I didn't think enough of myself to realize how much better off I was without him.

 

So...what you're feeling is normal, I think. It will take time -- maybe a long time -- for the feeling to disappear, but what you need to do now is focus on yourself and figure out what beliefs and ideas about yourself are holding you back from moving on from him. 'Cause I can tell you right now, your difficulty moving on is NOT because he's so great.

 

Hang in there!

[johnnib24]

Heres another way of look at it. You see all the negative things about being with him and all that but what still has you on hold is the positive memories and times you guys shared and not knowing if you can share htat with someone else. That or you has really high expectations and he really let you down so you are hoping for a chance to go back and fix things to make it right. Right now its just best to focus on you and get back to being happy a syou were before you met your ex. It's not your fault so don't blame yourself. Let him go for now and just live your life the best you can. Make it all about you and use this time to be selfish. Once you become totally consumed of you and your life someone comes in your life and wants to be apart of it whether its and ex (changed also of course for the better) or someone new.

[Heartbrok3n445]

Thanks everyone! Really appreciate all the responses.

 

I really do think it's me. He used to play on my insecurities and I suffered depression/anxiety when I was younger and he used to use that against me and blame those issues for certain things. I remember sitting there sometimes thinking 'is this really what the rest of my life will be like?' I wasn't 'happy'. Not like I should have been.

 

I just believed in sticking it out and he was my first love so maybe that's why it's so hard?

 

Today I feel better. I actually for the first time ever DON'T want to hear from him. I feel different today in a good way. I hope this lasts.

[blanco]

Here's the conclusion I came to: That whole "worship"/"pedestal" thing wasn't about him at all. It was about ME and how I felt about myself. I was so down on myself, feeling unworthy, unlovable, etc. that I elevated him to some god-like status and took his rejection as proof there was something wrong with me. Basically, his rejection of me just fed a bunch of lies I'd been telling myself about myself for a long time. So, it wasn't at all that he was so great that I could never get over him -- it was that I didn't think enough of myself to realize how much better off I was without him.

 

This is right on, and essential knowledge for anyone struggling with this issue. I felt my ex was a fine person most of our relationship, but I often felt drained by her and rarely, if ever, inspired by her. In essence, she was toxic, at least for me.

 

Yet when she moved on quickly after we split, I panicked. Suddenly, the laundry list of complaints I'd had during the relationship seemed less valid, even though she hadn't changed at all. In time, I've come to realize this was more about me and my self worth. I've always been a little hard on myself, but my self-confidence in the relationship was grounded down to nothing by the end. As I've worked to rebuild my self value and improve areas I feel are lacking, I see more clearly that this isn't really about her. It's about me and how I see myself.

 

In short, the more I work on self-improvement and getting things done, the better I feel and the less importance I place on my ex.

[blanco]

I remember sitting there sometimes thinking 'is this really what the rest of my life will be like?' I wasn't 'happy'. Not like I should have been.

 

I felt this way a lot during the relationship, too. I was helping her raise her children and it still felt like she was underwhelmed by me most of the time. It got to a point where I would think, "Is this all my life is going to be?"

 

Well, NO, it's not. And as more time and distance passes between that life and my new one, the more I realize how silly I was being for almost begging to be let back into the old life when she moved on.

 

I cared deeply about her and especially loved her children. But I'm really starting to savor just how awesome it is to wake up each day and have the freedom to do as I see fit, to tend to activities and interests that mean something to me, with no time constraints or sacrifices needing to be made because of other people. I still miss those kids every day, but I sure don't miss feeling like an unwanted romantic partner; a listless slob spinning his wheels; a schmuck helping someone out greatly and still being unappreciated.

[jjcool00]

Here's what you have to do:

 

1. Remind yourself why it ended (the bad things). We all are guilty of one thing and that is looking back at all of the positives. Don't look at things like "Oh man we used to do this, or oh wow these were our fav foods"... look at things like "he did this and I hate him for it," or "action A, B, C were intolerable and not what someone who cared about me would've done." FOCUS on the negatives, feed yourself a negative every time your mind tries to recall a "fond memory."

 

2. Place yourself on that same pedestal. Take him off it and put yourself on it. Now is your time to shine, to do the things you couldn't do while you were with him. (ex: he hated when I did X,Y,Z - things I liked). He is not the last person that will want to be with you. He wasn't the first, won't be the last. Be the person you want to be so that when you meet the right person, you're ready. This could be physical, mental, emotional, etc. Work on yourself.

 

3. Keep taking steps forward to bettering yourself. I know it's hard, but put a plan in place - everyone will tell you to focus on the bigger picture - larger goals. I will tell you it's equally important if not more important to focus on the small goals, daily goals. When I broke up with my ex a few years ago I was DEVASTATED. Everyday I wrote out a list of things to keep me busy. Today I will BBQ, I will take my dog for a long walk, I will go for a run. The small goals keep you looking forward to things on a daily basis. It's when you have nothing to look forward to or nothing that occupies your time that you sit idly thinking about your ex and relationship. Everyday you should have something to do, no matter how trivial it may seem. Trust me, it helps.

 

You're going to feel fine soon, just remember that. Time heals all. But you have to allow yourself to heal. You have to be willing and able to accept the healing and completely remove all hope that this person will be back. It sucks to come to that conclusion, it does - but it will help you get to where you want to and need to be.

[rich46]

Yeah this is very good advice, and I think I have slipped from this the last few days. I also wrote down mini-tasks to do during the day, and it always felt good after achieving them, e.g. make a conscious effort to smile more, write a couple of hundred more words on your thesis, increase the weights I have been lifting, etc etc. As you say, they may seem trivial, but baby step by baby step, your confidence will grow.

 

I have a lot of long term things set in place (mostly travel for later in the year), but your post reminded me about the here and now. Thanks!

[jjcool00]

It's great to have long term goals, but they don't really help you now. You need help NOW when going through a breakup or emotional traumatic event. Accomplishing what seems to be meaningless, short term goals does a few things for you. 1. It keeps you busy, which keeps your mind off things. 2. It gives you a sense of accomplishment when you finish. 3. It helps set up the long term goals. Like my mom always says, your mind is your own worst enemy.

[jjcool00]

One more thing I'll say: Everyone will tell you to listen to music, which is good advice - music can help heal... just make sure the music you listen to is positive uplifiting music. Not sappy, emo, cut your wrists music, and avoid any music that reminds you of your ex. Here's a song that helped me:

 

Yellowcard - Believe

[Heartbrok3n445]

Thank you everyone for all your responses! I just wanted to update as it might help others.

 

My ex is off the pedastal, and actually got off only a day or two after I posted that post and has been off it ever since.

 

I can't explain what happened, but I woke up and just didn't care anymore. I realise a lot of things he did to me that were not acceptable in a relationship (to me atleast). I also realised a lot of things about myself that I need to focus on and change to better myself and any future relationship.

 

I will write a post up soon about this, because I never thought I'd be at this point especially so soon!

 

Hopefully this helps others. Thank you for all your responses on this post.

[rich46]

Thank you everyone for all your responses! I just wanted to update as it might help others.

 

My ex is off the pedastal, and actually got off only a day or two after I posted that post and has been off it ever since.

 

I can't explain what happened, but I woke up and just didn't care anymore. I realise a lot of things he did to me that were not acceptable in a relationship (to me atleast). I also realised a lot of things about myself that I need to focus on and change to better myself and any future relationship.

 

I will write a post up soon about this, because I never thought I'd be at this point especially so soon!

 

Hopefully this helps others. Thank you for all your responses on this post.

You wouldn't be at this point "so soon" if it wasn't for going and sticking to NC through the last month or two, and I am so happy to hear of the progress you are making! You fought through those urges, and you are beginning to emerge from the fog, and realise that you are going to be more than fine without your ex in your life. There may be more bumps to overcome on your road to recovery, but they will get less and less frequent, and less and less intense, but you are doing great.

[Heartbrok3n445]

Thanks Rich! That is so true, NC has helped a great deal. Also when I stopped looking at facebook, etc also I think pushed me along further.

 

It's a strange feeling, I never went through a hate/angry stage, and I still don't hate him or am angry with him, I think because I actually know it was the best thing to happen to ME.

 

I don't wish bad for him and I hope he is happy, but I just don't feel the need or want to know about it or have him in my life in anyway whatsoever.

 

Life is just better now