Relapsed

[ajhurst210]

I knew I wasn't forgetting or technically getting "over it" so to speak... But I thought I was at least starting to drag myself forward...

 

I hadn't cried over her in almost two weeks. I had kinda gotten over my depression and just moved on to being numb. I started picking up the pieces, even if it was just a few out of the thousands around me...

 

Then yesterday I thought about her all day long. No matter what I tried to do to keep her out of my mind/heart... She was in there the whole 10 hours I was at work, she was in there the 3 hours I spent with my family afterwards... She was in there when I got home and read a book to try and keep my mind occupied.

 

Then I finally just broke down. I couldn't help it or stay strong anymore. I started feeling the hurt, the rejection, the betrayal, the hopelessness, everything... all over again. I foolishly started drinking... Soon I was drunk and on the living room floor crying like a baby. I've never been one to drink very much, let alone drink my problems away. But I don't even know who I am anymore. I find myself wanting to do something reckless a lot.... I don't know why. Maybe because it seems like I might feel something again then, or maybe because I just don't care about what happens to me... I don't know.

 

I'm 29, I've certainly been on both ends of a break up before plenty of times in my life. I know it's part of life. But this one feels so different. The cut feels deeper. The fog feels thicker.

 

The most ironic part of all this is, is that I was the one who was truly unhappy in the relationship. You'd think I'd be the one who would have an easier time moving on.

 

And maybe that's why it's continuing to be so hard for me... Because I expected both of us to have equal heartache... Both of us to mourn for the loss. But she's not. She's fine and moved on easily.

 

Or maybe it's just because my confidence has been shattered... Not just from her being the one to officially end it, but because i gave her and our relationship my all, I really really tried this time and it still ended up failing. It makes me feel so ugly, so unwanted, undesirable and unloveable... to the point where I don't even like looking in the mirror. I'd tell anyone in this world that was feeling the way I do, to not to let one person define your self worth... I know that's true and I know what I should do... But it's so hard to follow my own advice. Even when two roads are in front of you and both are clearly marked as the right and wrong way... You find yourself always turning down the wrong one. You don't want to, but something just gravitates you there...

 

Or maybe it's just because I still love her. And to have to force yourself to not love someone anymore goes against human nature...

 

Maybe I just feel guilty for the failure of our relationship. Guilty that I couldn't make it work. Guilty that I became unhappy. Guilty that I couldn't save it.

 

Maybe I'm just feeling the sting of almost being 30 and having no family or marriage when most of my friends and family do.

 

Maybe I just hate the idea of dating ever again, or that I could even get one if I wanted one.

 

Maybe I'm just lonely now.

 

Maybe it's all those things...

 

All I know, is that I'm losing myself to this. No matter what I try to do. How much I try and work on myself, to talk about it with others, to keep my mind off it, to try to reassure myself it was for the best... It continues to eat away at me. And I'm afraid there won't be anything left by the time it's done...

[rich46]

Hey,

 

Sorry to hear about your relapse, but don't be too hard on yourself for it happening! This kind of thing can be the springboard to further healing though, as you will be a step closer to gaining some defiance about feeling like this. Eventually, you'll be like "I've had enough of feeling this way" and the strength will come to move forward.

 

Have you got anything on the horizon? Something big/good/different to look forward to? Or is your day-to-day life same-old same-old as it has been for a while? If so, then I would encourage you to do something about that, have something to look forward to, and it will be a step in the right direction of switching your mind forwards rather than backwards.

 

Not sure if everyone is the same, but after a break up, I almost immediately put things in place for future things to look forward. Mostly travel for me, as I love the freedom and excitement of going to new places. But it doesn't have to be that. I went on a flight booking spree after my break up, literally the day after she ignored my call. Kind of out of defiance at first, like "I'll show her" but also because it gives me something to work towards, plan for, and then after the trip, I feel a degree of the lost confidence return. I will be fine without her, and on my own.

 

I know it is tough, but you have to find ways to build your self esteem again little by little, and switch your thinking to future events rather than backwards. You can get as much advice on here as you want, but ultimately you have to find the strength within yourself to get through this. And you will do when you are ready.

 

Take care

[TMifune]

All of those feelings are okay, they're normal.

 

I think there's something very universal about it being tougher the more of ourselves we give to the relationship. So if you were giving your all then that's glorious, and that's why it's tougher than other breakups. It is important if you're not getting what you want out of a relationship, but so often we think only of what we want and not what we give. it's harder to give, because it extends us, it makes us vulnerable and that takes courage. Even if it didn't work out you should be proud of what you've given.

 

You have not lost yourself to this. Everything you are and were is still there. You feel lost because it's shown you that there's something new to find. There is always something new to find about ourselves.

[pippy longstocking]

Everything is as it should be darling ... everything is going run of mill and it is a like having a bagof crap dropped on your head ...it will pass and you will live again xx

[TMifune]

Everything is as it should be darling ... everything is going run of mill and it is a like having a bagof crap dropped on your head ...it will pass and you will live again xx

 

Lol...yeah, it's kinda like coming back from the beach....just when you think you've cleaned up the last little bit of sand, you find some more.

[pippy longstocking]

Lol...yeah, it's kinda like coming back from the beach....just when you think you've cleaned up the last little bit of sand, you find some more.

 

haha damn you are so right

[ParisPaulette]

Totally normal. Keep in mind healing emotionally and/or mentally doesn't always happen in a straight line, but more often as more of a wave pattern of ups and downs. And nope, those don't always make sense as to why you feel up then down then up again. Keep that in mind, because you will come back up again. And what you typically find is that the highs and lows, over time, flatten out and become a smoother line rather than ups an downs.

 

As to what she's feeling she may or may not really just be fine, because you have no way of knowing whether she's just good at putting on a braver face. And whether or not she won't get hit by a wave or two of emotion out of nowhere, sometimes months later. So never compare your own healing with that of an ex, you can't really see if they break down and cry every night or not. And some do.

 

Breakups are hard, they suck, and sometimes those relationships we had the greatest expectations for hurt the worst when they end regardless of the facts.Keep moving forward, keep processing it, you will get there and be fine. Just vent when you need to right now then go do something that you like or makes you laugh. I'm sorry you're going through this, wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but fortunately we do all heal from it. Just it sucks in the meantime.

[chamachama]

As long as you aren't in contact in anyway (no social media or pictures at all) then I wouldn't call that a relapse. You're healing and it will take time to move through your system. It hasn't been long at all so this is par for the course.

[captcha45]

Maybe I'm just feeling the sting of almost being 30 and having no family or marriage when most of my friends and family do.

 

I noticed this is something you mentioned in a lot of your posts. You really shouldn't beat yourself up about this. I don't know about your country but where I live most men DON'T get married before the age of 30. I think the average is somewhere around 34. I understand the pressure when you see everyone around you getting married, but it's not like there's an "expiry date" for marriage.

Don't worry too much about this you're still young!

[johnnib24]

Yeah your still young and have plenty of time don't beat yourself up. You will become a stronger individual through all this. It's not your fault you gave it your all and she didnt wanna stick around her loss. Someone out there is going to cherish you and how you feel now will only come as a distant memory. Just have to find and do things that keep you from relapsing like following her on social media, laying in bed or drinking when your mind is in a bad place or thinking what you shoulda coulda done. Leave all the negative thoughts and her in the past and know it will get better and your soul mate is out there looking for you.

[ajhurst210]

Thank you everyone...

 

I'm trying to keep all of what everyone is saying in mind... especially since I know deep down its all true and it's the same advice and words of wisdom I would give to someone else in a similar state in their life.

 

I'm in full no contact. No social media connections to her, no texting, no memory triggers around the home. It's like she never existed. Been like that for a little over 2 weeks now.

 

I just feel so tainted by this. You give so much of your heart and soul and body to someone with the belief and promise that they'll be the last person you ever will. And then they toss you aside like yesterday's garbage after telling you for over two years that they love you and they've never been happier and they want to marry you and have kids with you and yadda yadda yadda. I feel so foolish. I'm not the type of person who says I love you or sleeps with someone or talks about marriage with someone just in the heat of the moment or because something's new and exciting. I only do those things with someone I truly believe I'll be with for the rest of my life because I don't want to have another pair of lips on my resume when I finally do kiss the last person I will ever kiss again in my life. I don't want to know I said I love you to someone else and shared hopes and dreams and made plans for a future with someone else. It feels like a waste and it feels wrong.

 

I'm also afraid that this will have completely crushed my idea of what love is or that it even exists for me. I'm not sure how I'm going to ever believe anything will last forever anymore or that someone means it when they tell me they love me. I was gunshy to begin with... but this almost feels like the final straw. I know that that's all just about a person's state of mind... and you have to just take a leap of faith in life sometimes, especially with love. But at the same time, just like a puppy that has been beaten a lot growing up... you instinctively start believing that everyone will hurt you at some point. Human nature and instincts kick in to protect yourself from further injury.

 

It's not the first time someone has ever said any of that after a break up though I know...

 

It just feels so hopeless now. The road ahead seems so long and lonesome. There's a constant wave of uncertainty crashing over me. Will I never find the kind of love that I want? Even if I work at it with all I have every time will it always end this way? Will she be the best I was ever going to get? Am I going to still be in love with her years from now? It's the uncertainty in my life now that's the scariest part...

 

It kind of just feels like I'm cursed.

 

I know that's all pretty dramatic thinking... but if you can't be dramatic about a broken heart what can you be dramatic about right?

[janesmiley]

Big hugs to you. All of the fears and questions you posted I think are pretty normal feelings when someone breaks up with you. I'm having many of the same feelings and worries right now. What if I never meet someone I connect with on this level again? What if he was the one and I f-ed it all up? What if I never love again?....

 

I don't have any words of wisdom that you have not already heard here, and honestly, I'm in the same boat. All I can say is to put the focus 100% on you. Become the strongest, most awesome, happiest, most interesting, most independent version of your self imaginable. Make it your mission to turn this painful experience into one of self reflection and immense growth. Certainly let yourself grieve and feel the emotions. It's still early days for you so it's going to take time. But also fill your time with other things, people and experiences. You are completely untethered. Take advantage of it. Take a class, pick up a new hobby, do something that challenges you, see new places. The fact that you feel like your life empty is further proof you need to LIVE. Will you be sad, maybe miserable at times, probably going through the motions a bit at first? Yes. But keep going. The only way out of this is through it and you will make it out and be a much better version of you on the other side if you use this time wisely. Oh, and I know you are not a big drinker, but don't. I love my cocktails but have completely stopped drinking as it was making my lows lower and I could not put myself through that anymore. I've been alcohol free for a couple of weeks now and feel a bit more centered and less depressed.

 

Hang in there. It's going to be ok.

[No1]

I have a question.. Maybe youre thinking too much? Did your X tell you to think about her all day? No, so in short you allowed this to happen. Look... if I say dont think about an elephant, whats the first thing youll think of? An Elephant. So for you to say "Dont think of your X" Whats the first thing youll think of? Your X.

What you did is just add fuel to the fire. You were thinking on how not to think of her all you did was think of her some more. You thought of her when you thought.. maybe Ill read a book to get my mind off of her. The most common denominator in all of your thoughts was her.

If I may suggest, learn how to self meditate.. it takes a little bit of practice but you can do it. It is a fact that once you thnk of an X, you have approx 27 seconds to get rid of the emotions of the thought before it effects you. So rather than ignore it, you accept its there, know its there, then you let it go. Learn to meditate... you inhale deeply thru the mouth, hold it for a count of 3, then you exhale for a good 5 count... as you exhale, imagine the thought of your X leaving your body. Think of nothing else... in fact think of you playing your favorite sport or doing your favorite hobby, or you just blank out your mind, Exhale and let your X go... Do this as many times as needed.. youll get it down so good that you wont worry anymore.

[chamachama]

Its only been two weeks since actual no contact. That's nothing. Give it time.

[chram]

I feel for you man... Unfortunately all I can offer is empathy.

I don't think "dragging yourself forward" is necessarily a bad thing. When something like this happens we gotta pick ourselves back up, and you were already doing it!

[intheferns]

It's still early in your grieving process. Think of the pain like ripples after throwing a stone into still water. You can't stop the ripples but they'll lessen and disappear with time. Work on focusing on yourself and doing what makes you happy. Know that just because one person could not appreciate and treasure your heart does not make you worthless or broken.

 

I understand you, my husband tossed my heart in the trash after 8 years together - 5 months after our baby was born. It was so painful, but I quickly realized I was an amazing wife. I loved him with all my heart and tied myself in knots thinking of things to please him but he could not appreciate anything. He filled his cup with bitterness and resentment and spent years silently destroying his love. There was not a thing I could do about that. I can only pity the next girl he does this to because he's on a cycle. It did resolve me to be more selective about who I will trust with my heart next.

 

Keep reminding yourself that you are worthy and deserving of love. Put a note on your mirror (I did). Develop some new hobbies or gym schedule. When you find yourself dwelling on her, call a friend, watch a movie, read a book. Something to distract yourself. If you can't distract yourself, cry then tell yourself some positive things about you. Keep riding the ripples to calmer waters and know it's going to feel better eventually.

[reinventmyself]

""I'm also afraid that this will have completely crushed my idea of what love is or that it even exists for me. I'm not sure how I'm going to ever believe anything will last forever anymore or that someone means it when they tell me they love me. ""

 

This is just text book grief talking, not reality. This is pretty typical "I will never love again' talk and at some point you will look back at this time and shrug.

 

It comes in waves and catches you off guard. Embrace each wave and know that when each one passes through you, you are that much closer to turning the corner.

Hang in there. . I gets better, promise!

[janesmiley]

"Know that just because one person could not appreciate and treasure your heart does not make you worthless or broken."

 

I love this statement. So, so true!

[ajhurst210]

My emotions definitely fluctuate throughout the day or day by day. I'll go from feeling worthless and depressed and like everything was my fault and no one will ever love me to feeling like I've gained clarity and that I did the very best I could and telling myself I'm a good person with a lot to offer. It's exhausting.

 

I know in time it'll all even out. Just wish I could press a fast forward button and be at a point years from now when all this means nothing at all anymore.

 

In the meantime, i got a gym membership and I signed up to volunteer at the hospital... maybe helping others will help me regain a lot of the confidence I've lost and give me a chance to be good to other people. If nothing else, it'll give me something to do instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself.

 

I'm not sure if I'll trust love again or not. It's gonna take a heck of a woman to get me to believe in it again, I know that for sure.

[No1]

Oh quit being dramatic... you are going to love again and you are going to trust again. Id say 85% of everyone who gets their heart broken says that "Ill never love again" And we all do. Do you really think that youll never ever find someone who interest you in the next 50years of your life? Truth is, you will find someone that peaks your interest, then smile because youll think about what you said, youll tell yourself you are an idiot and youll go up to her and say "Hi" And it all begins again...