Are you approachable?

[Dougie_D]

This is for everyone really. I'm just wondering what makes you approachable and non-approachable.

 

I don't mind being approached as long as it's the right QUESTION. It's only when someone asks me a question that I don't like...and that's usually some sort of favor.

 

Do you guys agree or disagree? Are you just not an approachable person?

[Fudgie]

Depends on my mood and where I am. What makes you approachable is your appearance (body language) and attitude. If you have a made attitude, people will pick up on it.

 

I don't like being approached by random people so largely, no, I'm not approachable. I'm not looking to meet anyone though so I don't care. If I go to a bar, I still get some guys trying to talk to me but I try to act as disinterested as possible, don't make eye contact, focus on my drink, keep the answers short, don't laugh at their jokes, etc. They get the hint and move on.

 

 

So yeah, don't do what I do if you want to be approached. I hate it when random people come up and try to socialize so I try to discourage it.

[pippy longstocking]

Depends on my mood and where I am.

 

x 2 ...........

[treesandbees]

I think so, I feel open to others but I can put my guard up if another is disrespectful/rude/or sexually inappropriate right off with me.

[Dougie_D]

Depends on my mood and where I am. What makes you approachable is your appearance (body language) and attitude. If you have a made attitude, people will pick up on it.

 

I don't like being approached by random people so largely, no, I'm not approachable. I'm not looking to meet anyone though so I don't care. If I go to a bar, I still get some guys trying to talk to me but I try to act as disinterested as possible, don't make eye contact, focus on my drink, keep the answers short, don't laugh at their jokes, etc. They get the hint and move on.

 

 

So yeah, don't do what I do if you want to be approached. I hate it when random people come up and try to socialize so I try to discourage it.

 

Cool.. that actually helps out a lot. I need to realize that people just don't want to be approached. Not that I'm doing anything wrong, but rather they are just not into making small talk.

 

I'm open to people but not always open to new things! haha!

[Dougie_D]

I think so, I feel open to others but I can put my guard up if another is disrespectful/rude/or sexually inappropriate right off with me.

 

Does that happen a lot with you? I can't imagine a "hello, how has your night been?" disrespectful/rude/etc...

[treesandbees]

People can be rude, everywhere in the world in people's lives so yes it does happen. Not always but a couple times a month for sure, I can usually smile it off or move on but I hate when people don't take the cue you give them not to persist otherwise I am pretty agreeable to others I don't know. Don't know how else to explain it.

[Dougie_D]

Are there any "signs" where people can tell if you are going to be more approachable? I don't think I actually put my guard up into I feel threaten, which doesn't seem often.

I think if I knew when a girl wants to be approached that would help me. I think because I like being approached, I don't take notice the reasons why someone doesn't want to be approached. I'm an open book too.

[treesandbees]

Smiling and laughing would be a good sign that someone is feeling good and approachable.

[Sportster2005]

Are there any "signs" where people can tell if you are going to be more approachable? I don't think I actually put my guard up into I feel threaten, which doesn't seem often.

I think if I knew when a girl wants to be approached that would help me. I think because I like being approached, I don't take notice the reasons why someone doesn't want to be approached. I'm an open book too.

 

To be approachable in a group stand straight, good posture. Smile. Make eye contact with whomever is speaking. If you talk to someone, talk more about them, not you.

 

There is no body language that says "approach me, except if it's for a favor".

 

Try to make eye contact with the woman you want to approach. If she looks away suddenly and avoids further eye contact, you're done. If you talk to a woman and she gives one word answers and doesn't even look at you. Move on. If a woman is wearing earphones and reading, she doesn't want to be disturbed.

 

Sometimes signals can get crossed, and messages misinterpreted. Sometimes you just have to take a risk. Worse thing that happens is you have to endure three seconds of awkwardness.

 

Experience is the best teacher Dougie.

[Andykitty]

I'm not approachable at all. I'm at the point where I'm not looking foe someone, so, this makes a very hard task to those who wants to approaches me. But if he catches my attention, I'm an easy person to deal with. The tricky it's to catch my attention.

[Seraphim]

I would say I'm pretty approachable 99% of the time. I smile and engage people in conversation and am happy to do so unless I am not well or the person is a jerk.

[Fudgie]

Here is my simple advice:

 

Approach the women who are open to it. How can you tell? If she's buried in her phone, not making eye contact, engrossed in convo with someone else, etc... don't approach. Really, I don't know why guys talk to me if I'm having a drink alone and I'm engrossed in my phone. It's about reading body language.

 

Look around. Smile. See whose eye contact you can get. Do they look at you? Maybe a smile back? Okay, good, go up and say hi.

[Batya33]

I'm almost too approachable and have known that for many years. Always been a tourist magnet, for example. It's on an individual basis - depends on why the person is approaching me and how/timing, etc. I typically have an open face and open body language.

[fallbaby143]

Ive been told that i have a tough exterior and i look mean. I dont mean to look like that i just feel uncomfortable smiling all the time. I have what people call a "resting face" So i would say i probably dont look like a very approachable person. Lol.

[Dougie_D]

Here is my simple advice:

 

Approach the women who are open to it. How can you tell? If she's buried in her phone, not making eye contact, engrossed in convo with someone else, etc... don't approach. Really, I don't know why guys talk to me if I'm having a drink alone and I'm engrossed in my phone. It's about reading body language.

 

Look around. Smile. See whose eye contact you can get. Do they look at you? Maybe a smile back? Okay, good, go up and say hi.

 

Hmm... well, to me that doesn't make sense. When someone is alone actually, they just don't look up at the stars. They will most likely on their phone, book, talking to someone else, etc... Someone might be reading a book at a coffee shop, but if you go "sorry to disturb you, but I noticed you are reading X Author. I'm a huge fan. Where did you you hear about this book?".

 

To be fair, I actually do better with women who "seem" non approachable, but are just shy. They put up a front, but in reality they are looking for a conversation. I somehow make their day better. One time I approached a girl that just got stood up on a date. Never got her number, but I gave her a better night than it could've been.

 

I think the body language comes AFTER the approach. I guess I just get the feeling if you don't want to be approached by people just stay in your room all day.

 

It bothers me to think that Small talk could symbolize creepiness with people.

[Batya33]

I don't think people should be ready to be approached at any time just because they are out in public. I am a big believer in giving people their space and that is what I teach my young child -we make sure not to encroach on someone's seat on a bus or subway, not to be too loud when we're right near another person and while I'm fine with him talking to people in the elevator I also teach him boundaries - like if a person is on his phone I tell my child that is not a good time to say more than "hi" quietly. It's an individual thing, not a bright line "stay in your house if you don't want to be approached". When someone approaches me on the street to give me a flyer or ask me to support a political cause I often say politely but firmly with my hand up "no thanks" and I expect that person to honor it. For example.

When I was alone and wanted to be approached I looked approachable and I also would walk around the area (i.e. at a singles event or when I was at the beach or the pool on vacation) and make casual eye contact with people. If I was at a vacation resort for singles and reading a book I expected to be approached because o the environment. If I am at a coffee shop now doing the same thing I am ok with someone asking me a question or trying to make small talk as long as the person understands if I answer but then look back at my book that the conversation is over.

 

My husband was on a train the other day and he saw a man sat down next to a woman alone and started chatting her up for the entire 30 minute ride - she was obviously not interested but couldn't change her seat. The man told her he was just trying to make new friends. That is creepy. I hope you see the difference.

[Fudgie]

I agree with Batya. You can't just cold approach anyone. body language comes before AND after. As Batya said, if she's open to talking, she will make casual eye contact. It's one thing to be looking at a phone but sometimes but if someone is engrossed in it or engrossed in conversation, not a good time to approach.

 

Yes, I find it weird when strangers approach me when my body language is not open. If you want to be labeled as a creep, keep cold approaching without regard for her body language. Seriously, that's not a good strategy.

 

Even the idea of "if you don't want to be approached by random dudes, stay home" is offensive to me. I have to be out. I have to go to work. Sometimes I want a drink or something to eat and I just want to read something on my phone and be left alone. Not everyone is out to meet people and you cannot assume that everyone in a bar is looking for friends, fwb, whatever. If a guy says "hi" when I'm busy, and I say "hi" back and go back to what I'm doing, that's the polite way of saying "I don't want to engage with you".

 

I sincerely hope that you are not pushing contact on people who may not want it. As you've admitted on other threads, you have an issue reading people. How do you know that you are not coming accross as weird because you're failing to read body language?

[LoveSoDeep]

A casual hello and a a polite question is not creepy (usually) what makes it creepy is when you give all signals that you are not interested in continuing the conversation and the other person just keeps at it. Like the guy on the bus in Batya33s story, if she was giving one word answers, not making eye contact with the guy and trying to escape by looking at her phone or watch then she should have gotten the point and left her be. It's not creepy that he approached her it's creepy that he didn't know when to back off.

 

As you describe it, your way approaching sounds fine. For the most part it seems polite and subtle, but we're not seeing your non-verbal cues or physicality. Are you getting too close for example, invading the other persons space by encroaching on the 2-3 foot bubble would definitely seem creepy. There are also times when the anxious way someone smiles or laughs or even the tone of their voice makes them come off as creepy and I have a feeling people who have those issues have no idea they have them. Also where you live plays a part, here in the PNW I swear everyone is freaked out if a stranger talks to them in public. It's just odd.

[Dougie_D]

I don't have an issue reading people. I just don't understand why people are not always wanting to be approached. Maybe it's just my personality and the way I learned from my father. I would always be embarrassed by my father when we went sporting events, bars, or any place where you can approach people. He would always be the one talking to everyone. Making people laugh, etc... So there is always a part of me that want to get small talk with someone whenever I'm near them. My question was more about why people aren't like that. I guess it's just genetics. Some are more open than others. I don't mind being bothered if that makes any sense.

[Dougie_D]

Well, yeah that was creepy. He should've got the idea early on.

[Fudgie]

I don't have an issue reading people. I just don't understand why people are not always wanting to be approached. Maybe it's just my personality and the way I learned from my father. I would always be embarrassed by my father when we went sporting events, bars, or any place where you can approach people. He would always be the one talking to everyone. Making people laugh, etc... So there is always a part of me that want to get small talk with someone whenever I'm near them. My question was more about why people aren't like that. I guess it's just genetics. Some are more open than others. I don't mind being bothered if that makes any sense.

 

Everyone is different. I'm not big on small talk and I'd rather be left alone. You may not understand why someone else is like that and that's okay but you just need to remember to read body language and approach accordingly (or, not at all).

[LunaLee]

Depends on my mood. I'm overall more of a quiet/reserved person (esp with ppl I don't know). Not unfriendly, just neutral. Some ppl can interpret that as a 'standoffish' vibe. I just don't have a 'bubbly' type of personality. I just usu have a natural (relaxed) 'face'. (Not angry, just indifferent).

 

I might also add that being a petite, single 5'1 girl, I prefer not to have an 'anyone approach me and start talking to me!' vibe radiating from me when I'm out in public alone. I enjoy being independent and doing things on my own. So appearing a little unfriendly can help ward off weirdos and make me seem a little less 'abductable'.