Complete Opposites - Trying to deal.

[bmars87]

I've posted a few times in relation to my boyfriend's marijuana usage. It's still an issue, but I am now having an issue with his alcohol consumption. I am trying to determine if I am just overreacting / over thinking things or if there is a legitimate reason for concern.

 

I'm 27 but in my teenage years I smoked a lot of pot, experimented a few times with other drugs and drank a lot of alcohol. I was even suspended from school for drinking at school. I also use to smoke.

I quit smoking before I turned 19 and decided that alcohol and drugs were not for me. In the last five years I've been intoxicated once. Even at my wedding ( I'm separated ) I didn't get drunk. I had a few drinks which was abnormal for me but wasn't tipsy or anything. I've tried sipping on a beer or cooler a few times but I can never drink it all I just have a sip or two then I'm done with it.

 

Anyways, my point being: I don't smoke, drink or do drugs. My boyfriend on the other hand smokes almost a pack of smokes everyday, drinks beer nearly everyday and smokes weed almost everyday.

He will drink anywhere from 1-6 beers per day. In the last two months I can only recall him not drinking at all three times.

He usually stops after work to get a 6 pack although lately he's been buying a 6 pack plus 2 tallboys. He may drink 4 that night and have 2 for the next day or he might drink all 6 it really depends on his mood.

 

He doesn't get drunk from them though. He doesn't change at all. His personality is the same, he doesn't treat me poorly when he drinks or get angry or do anything that a typical drunk normally would. He doesnt stumble when he walks or slur his words its literally like there is no change.

 

I am constantly picking up beer cans. And I wonder if he is not getting anything from the beer ( in terms of a buzz ) then why do it? Why drink at all? Especially every night. I've brought it up to him and he says he doesn't drink every night.. so then I started keeping track so I could show him and he got upset that I was " keeping tabs on him " / monitoring his drinking. He says that he doesn't need beer that he just likes it. He says that since he goes to work everyday and works hard he deserves to come home and have a few beers.

 

I'm really just...disgusted by it I guess you could say? I just don't see why someone would want to spend every night drinking. We went to the races the other night and the first thing he did when we got there was buy a beer. We went to different races a week later and we sat at the bar side so he could drink a few. When we go out for dinner he orders beer to drink. We went to a baseball game and he got beer.

 

I feel like I don't have any room in my life for that crap. But at the same time I feel like I should just let him be himself and as long as he's not hurting me, working and paying his bills then who cares?

[Hollyj]

Obviously, he has addiction problems. You know this, so why do you continue to come back and ask? He has problems with weed and is an alcoholic.

 

You are different people, and have differing life goals. Do you want to raise a family with a pothead and alcoholic, if not. End it.

 

Continuing to stick around and question, is not getting you anywhere. You can either stay with this loser, or find someone who is a better match.

[Hollyj]

I see he also has a problem with video games and sex.

 

This guy sounds like a little kid with an addiction problem. Don't you want better for yourself?

[gladysBgood]

I agree with Hollyj. My sister has a similar boyfriend (albeit, he is definitely on the abusive end of the spectrum) and she continues to put up with even mild bad behavior. In doing so you are allowing in the possibility of worse behavior down the road.

 

You mentioned that you were once a user. I don't mean to pry, (and I say these things with the utmost respect to your history) but this may be of perspective to you: in my sister's case she is a semi-rehabilitated drug addict and I suspect she puts up with his behavior because she is A) an addictive person, and if she is not using drugs she NEEDS the partner she is with even if they're a . B) because she was a drug-user, she can easily put herself in his shoes and doesn't want to "give up" on him, but therefore gives up on herself trying to be HIS support system. Perhaps take a look at why you need this person in your life if they aren't really contributing positively to your shared relationship? I can tell you right now that allowing the person you are with to choose not to improve is holding YOU back. You may not be able to see it in yourself, but I can tell you as a concerned observer to this kind of relationship-- it is very obvious when someone is lugging around a negative ball and chain. Please do yourself (or at least future you) a favor and find someone who wants to not only better themselves but nurture a much more positive connection with you. Don't be a hero for this person.

[catfeeder]

I started keeping track so I could show him and he got upset that I was " keeping tabs on him " / monitoring his drinking.

 

It's not helpful to become the vice squad. You mention being separated rather than divorced, so I'd consider whether you're investing in a fixer-upper to distract you from resolving your own marriage?

 

Leapfrogging from a marriage into a parent role to someone else is giving you some form of secondary gain, but could it be hindering you from the kind of solo growth and self development that could ultimately help you to reach higher?

[bmars87]

It's not helpful to become the vice squad. You mention being separated rather than divorced, so I'd consider whether you're investing in a fixer-upper to distract you from resolving your own marriage?

 

Leapfrogging from a marriage into a parent role to someone else is giving you some form of secondary gain, but could it be hindering you from the kind of solo growth and self development that could ultimately help you to reach higher?

 

There is no resolving of the marriage. We have been separated for nearly three years, we have a great relationship with each other now that we aren't together, we are both in committed relationships and we have no desire to get back together. Divorce isnt cheap and since neither of us are looking to get remarried right now, we figure we will just keep the separated status going.

 

My current relationship is not the first that I've had since separating. I dont feel that I am trying to parent my current boyfriend. He is seven years older than me, and he too has been married ( has been divorced nearly ten years ). I'm just struggling because... well its frustrating not being able to put it into words how I feel but its like where do I draw the line between saying okay this is him and hes doing what he wants to do i should just not question him and allow it to continue or aaying no this isnt fair to u, this isnt what u want , you shouldnt have to deal with this. I can't just leave someone everytime they do something I don't like or just because they have different interestsm

[mhowe]

Alcohol and drug addiction isn't "someone having different interests".

 

Policing his behavior, cleaning up after him and coming in 2nd or 3rd behind his addictions is what you are living with now. Is it worth it? Because you and your relationship will never co.e before his addictions.

[catfeeder]

where do I draw the line between saying okay this is him and hes doing what he wants to do i should just not question him and allow it to continue or aaying no this isnt fair to u, this isnt what u want , you shouldnt have to deal with this. I can't just leave someone everytime they do something I don't like or just because they have different interestsm

 

You'll need to draw that line for yourself in terms of how another's smoking and drinking impacts you.

 

For instance, you get to decide whether you can live in the same home with pot use. If not, don't move into a guy's home if he's a pot smoker. Or negotiate that he needs to smoke it outside.

 

If your line is more about not wanting to be around someone who's stoned or drunk, then don't move in with someone who drinks or drugs, and if he shows up at your place stoned or drunk, kick him out.

 

If your line is, "Since I'm a healthy, sober person, I only want a BF who is healthy and sober," then only date men who don't drink or get stoned.

 

Point is, you get to decide your OWN behavior, and yes, you CAN raise your bar high enough to only date men who are sober.

 

That's not limiting your dating pool to men who share a hobby, it's a lifestyle choice that someone either shares or they don't. If a man does not, it makes no sense to take up with him and then try to police him into living your way.

 

This doesn't make you 'wrong' for wanting clean living, it just means you'll need to find a fellow clean liver if you want to share that lifestyle with a partner. You can't police it into someone, and if you try, you'll only make both yourself and him miserable--until one of you cracks and ends the relationship. So why put yourself through that?

[bmars87]

I feel like I am leaning more towards the " I'm a sober person so I only want to date a sober person".

I am not a complete prude when it comes to alcohol or pot usage. I understand that while I may not partake in drinking at events or get togethers that some people do and they enjoy it and that's fine. In fact if my boyfriend was to only drink at social gatherings / events, I would welcome it. I would be okay with it, but the fact that it is everyday - and the fact that he doesn't think it is everyday bothers me. If he was using heroin or coke or anything harder than pot I would feel justified in leaving him. But because it is pot I feel like its not as huge as a reason to leave. I do love him I just wish that him compromising and not using as often would resolve this and let us stay together.