Boss has a crush on me-- how do you make it stop?

[sayer7]

My boss has had a crush on me for three years now. The entire time I've only told him I only consider him a friend and will only consider him a friend and co-worker and to stop expecting something to happen between us. I've never led him on, or told him otherwise. It's gotten to the point where he's getting obsessive about knowing all my cell phone numbers and email account addresses and passwords.

 

I have work phone cell which he knows about cause he gave it to me for work purposes. But then he noticed I keep another cell in my car that i use for my own personal use that I didn't give him the number for and it bothers him that I didn't give it to him. He keeps "teasing" and asking me for the number.

 

He is also obsessing about wanting my email passwords to look at my personal email "to see how many boy-friends I have" and he "teases" about this also... but it's getting really annoying. In my book it's absolutely none of his business.

 

How would you guys stop this kind of obessive behavior especially from a boss?

[shuntaro603]

I think this is a case of sexual harassment. You should report this to the company. This is simply not a "crush" anymore as long as he keeps harass you.

[avman]

I agree. I would follow your company policy for reporting sexual harassment. Typically this involves reporting it to Human Resources. Make a log of all the behaviors you are experiencing. The more detail you have, the better chance you have of getting action. Note dates, times, exact behaviors, what was said, how you responded, etc.

 

You should not have to put up with this at all.

[drahcir]

This is NOT a case of sexual harassment. Sexual harassment only applies to unwanted touching, making sexist comments, or to forcing someone to have sex to keep thier position in the company. None of these apply. Merely liking someone else at work, no matter how annoying, is NOT illegal. At work bosses always have the right to search computers if they own them. If they own the computer, they have the right to search it. You can only accuse someone of sexual harassment if they repeatly ask SEXUAL favours of you. Merely liking is NOT harassment. Sorry....just try to figure something out....good luck.

[DN]

I agree except in Ontario the Human Rights Code requires that you first inform the person harrasing that you find the behaviour bothersome and request them to cease. If they do not, then you report it to a supervisor of HR.

Usually, the first step is enough.

 

The advice to keep a log or journal of all the incidences is highly important.

[cleverme123]

Totally illegal, he is way over the sexual harassment line and can get in serious trouble you need to tell someone in HR right away.

[avman]

Sorry drahcir but I disagree. A boss has no right to be asking how many boyfriends she has. A boss also has no right to access her personal email - only her company provided email.

 

Sexual harassment is not simply limited to sexual acts. It is defined much more broadly than that. I agree that having a crush isn't harassment. But his actions that affect her personal life most certainly is harassment. It affects her ability to do her job.

[drahcir]

Sorry drahcir but I disagree. A boss has no right to be asking how many boyfriends she has. A boss also has no right to access her personal email - only her company provided email.

 

Sexual harassment is not simply limited to sexual acts. It is defined much more broadly than that. I agree that having a crush isn't harassment. But his actions that affect her personal life most certainly is harassment. It affects her ability to do her job.

 

----Actually the law in the US and Canada is that bosses have the right to access EVERYTHING that is done on computers that they own, including reading personal emails. Numerous court cases have affirmed that bosses have the right to look at everything that happens on computer they own....

 

There must be a sexual component to sexual harassment. No court has EVER recognized sexual harassment as not including a sexual component. If no sexual favours are asked for, and there is no unwanted touching and no sexist comments, there is NO sexual harasssment. Sorry, that is the law!!!!!!!!!!

[DN]

I was not agreeing with drahcir but with the previous posts.

 

It is true that companies have the right to search your computer files, but the fact that he wants to do that to check on your personal life is harassment. Asking for your phone number is harassment. Comments or questions about your personal life is harassment. Repeatedly asking for a date is harassment. Unwanted sexual or romantic advances are harassment. It is most certainly not true that harassment is restricted to the things drahcir mentioned. Check the case law in your state.

[drahcir]

I agree that the boss' actions are harassment. But they are NOT sexual harassment. It is impossible to file a sexual harassment complaint if there is unwanted sexual advances....you can NOT file a sexual harassment complaint in your situation....all you can do is see if there is any ways to stop harassment that is not sexual.....good luck

[DN]

sorry drahcir, you are wrong. Check the Canadian Civil Code and, if you live in Ontario, the Human Rights Code, there should be a copy of it posted in your workplace.

[Mr. Cactus]

Oh yeh, an absolute classic case of sexual harrasment. To the original poster. I wish you had not let this go on for as long as it has. Please take the advice of the others and report it to your bosses boss, or HR, whichever is the more appropriate.

[youngin]

Before you report him i would definitely at least tell him to stop it and that if he doesnt you will report him. Make sure he realizes that he is over the line. He could just think that he's flirting, as unlikely as it seams.

[abcd1234]

If no sexual favours are asked for, and there is no unwanted touching and no sexist comments, there is NO sexual harasssment. Sorry, that is the law!!!!!!!!!!

Drachir, sexual harassment is defined as "unwelcomed sexual advances or conduct". Sayer7 is not happy with her boss asking for her phone number and wanting to know how many boyfriends she has; she has shown that the conduct is unwanted by telling us so.

 

Sayer7, you need to tell your boss that you are uncomfortable being asked these things and that in future you do not want him asking personal questions about your private life. As avman said, make a log of all the incidents as they happen in case he does not stop. If this continues after you have asked him to stop then you should report it.

[OceanEyes]

I've been in this situation before, but with the IT guy, not my boss. It becomes extremely annoying and can totally interfere with how safe you feel at work. If you're always worried that this guy is eyeballing you every time you walk by, or makes unwelcome comments, he's definitely harassing you.

 

You can go the direct route like I did, which was basically to say "GET LOST YOU NASTY PIECE OF CRAP". But that's not the easiest thing to say to an authority figure, and someone who has a say in whether or not you're employed with the company.

 

In any event, I think that coming right out and telling him that he's making you feel really uncomfortable should help. I believe you that you haven't led him on, but guys like that don't hear your *hints*. They are very persistent and say things to get reactions from you.

 

A couple of things I would try before consulting human resources (if you don't feel that it's gotten to that point quite yet - plus - if you do end up reporting him, it could make things pretty awkward. If he doesn't get fired right away, you will have to see him every day anyhow!):

 

- Start lying about your life. Tell him that you're a lesbian, that you just got engaged to a pro-wrestler who has been known to snap necks like pencils.

 

- Tell him that you are the co-founder of a "Christian fellowship" that takes long trips into the woods to chant and drink potions. Try to convert him and tell him that in order to gain access, that he has to give you his soul. I'm not kidding! If he thinks that you're a big weirdo he might get scared off.

 

- Totally ignore him except when you are required to speak to him. Hopefully you don't have to work that closely.

 

- Get a male friend of yours to pick you up from work once a week. Make sure that your boss sees this. Act flirty and affectionate with him.

 

The best way to get rid of a guy like this is to put a dent in his over-sized ego. Tell him flat-out that you are not interested in him other than on a strictly professional level, and never would be. I'm sure that if you did some research with other women around your office/ workplace, they would have some stories to tell you about him. Ask some of the older ladies who have been there a long time and know what he's about, they might have more insight for you than you think.

[sayer7]

Thanks guys...

 

I think my biggest problem is he's the President and owner of the company. I don't know if HR can do anything about it.

 

So if I can't go to HR, what would you do?

[drahcir]

sorry drahcir, you are wrong. Check the Canadian Civil Code and, if you live in Ontario, the Human Rights Code, there should be a copy of it posted in your workplace.

 

I have been studying Canadian law for more than three years, and I know what I am talking about. This case is NOT a case of sexual harassment. Sexual harassment requires a sexual component...ie asking someone for sexual favours....if the request is romantic and not sexual, then it cannot be classified as sexual harassment. There is a difference between sexual conduct and romantic conduct. I have studied Canadian CIvil Code and the Human Rights Code in all of Canada....nothing illegal has happened here. Immoral? Yes...Illegal...nO.....this case does not classify as sexual harassment....

 

This is what CAN be done.....just tell the guy how much this behavoiour is hurting you. Maybe he doesn't understand that...explain to him how you feel, why you feel that way, and tell him to stop....but under the law you can't file a sexual harassment complaint becuase nothing sexual has happened......good luck.....and take care

 

Drahcir

[Amethyst]

Sorry, Drahcir, but you're incorrect. The "sexual component" of sexual harassment does NOT have to refer to sexual advances or sexually oriented comments. The sexual component can simply be the fact that his actions are based on her GENDER (or *sex*). A male boss repeatedly asking a female employee about her lovelife and trying to get her number IS sexual harassment; no two ways about it. A man can be fired on the spot for that type of behavior (as could a woman, if roles were reversed).

 

Sayer7, his being the president of the company doesn't mean you shouldn't report it; it only means that the 'punishment' will have to be given from higher up in the foodchain. If his behavior is affecting your work, then he's not acting within legal limits. That means, if need be, you can go to a lawyer and take action that way.

[dreamweaverdude]

LIsten to OCean EYes,

 

Reread he comments. If youare like most you need your job and getting involved with a lawyer over matters like this is extremely difficult not to mention leaves a mark on you. Play the mind games back. Pretend to have a bf, pretend to be a lesbian, do whatever it takes to get in his mind. If you let him know that if he really knew you his interest would vanish, you'll get to him. SO use your imagination.

 

Legally thought having worked in hiring and firing situations for years, you do have a case, but to be honest unless you have documented the situation well and have witnesses the legal road is your word against his, so if you insist on working there, play the mind games back.

 

I do like Ocean's idea. Check with the other females and see how they handled his advances. They may be quite sympathetic to you!

[Amethyst]

I would concur with dreamweaverdude in that taking it through the court system would be difficult. It might also be more than you're bargaining for (since he's more annoying than threatening). However, if that *is* the route you choose, you need to find co-workers who've dealt with this same kind of behavior. (I guarantee you aren't the only one he's been treating this way.) There's strength in numbers; and, the more people who are willing to talk about it, the more likely the courts (or anyone else) are to listen.

[OceanEyes]

Ouch, it's unfortunate that he's that high up. That would definitely intimidate me if I really valued my job.

 

He has a HUGE ego hun. Guys like him make that very obvious too. If you can find some way to get inside of his head, and play the same games with him, I think you will at least be able to get him treating you as an equal. Right now, no offence, but he seems to be treating you as fair game in his little 'daily amusements'.

 

This option is less likely, but if you can somehow get a small coalition of other women he's harassed together to file a complaint, then you would probably have a pretty good shot of having him reprimanded (and of course, publicly embarrased, which would probably be more of a blow to his big fat ego than anything else).

 

Have you actually gone straight to him, and said very sternly, "I don't like or appreciate your advances. They are making me feel extremely uncomfortable to be at work every day. I am your employee, and I want to respect you. But right now, you're making that almost impossible. PLEASE STOP IT"? It might be hard to talk to the big guy like that, but believe me, he's not sensitive and it won't hurt his feelings. I'd start trying to scare him away by grossing him out, or telling him really weird stories about myself.

[drahcir]

Oceaneye's ideas are good. The fact is you will have to use them, because this is NOT a case of sexual harassment....romantic harassment, yes...sexual, no. A sexual harassment lawsuit will be laughed out of court in this case.

[Amethyst]

Oceaneye's ideas are good. The fact is you will have to use them, because this is NOT a case of sexual harassment....romantic harassment, yes...sexual, no. A sexual harassment lawsuit will be laughed out of court in this case.

 

Drahcir, I find it interesting that you are the only one here who says it isn't a case of sexual harassment. How likely is it that all of us are wrong and that you are the only one who's right?

 

I have a friend who was instrumental in getting a male co-worker fired. Why? It was a classic case of Sexual harassment. What did he do? He would send her flowers about every other day and continually ask her out even though she'd made it plain she was married and completely uninterested in him. She ended up quitting her job (for other reasons), but she rounded up some like-minded co-workers and went to the authorities right afterward. It *was* taken to court and the man *did* lose his job on the grounds of *sexual harassment*. He also had to pay a small settlement for the emotional distress he had caused by creating an unfriendly working environment.

 

Enough said, as this is my last post on the topic.