Feel like faulty goods

[hidden_kitten]

Anyone else want to wallow with me? My esteem is shot to pieces after the end of this relationship.

 

To go from being told that I was the "best thing to ever happen to him", "everything he needed" and being referred to as future mrs *his-surname" to having nothing in common or being compatible. This change wasn't over a long period in time, in November he was telling me how he still loved sex with me and would do anything for me then end of January he said he couldn't bear touching me and hadn't had a decent snog in our entire 3 year relationship. Think I'd rather he punched me in the stomach than hear that.

 

We tried until the end of March but he was obviously forcing himself to be there, couldn't tell me what he wanted to change between us, then after a weekend away with mates I got a text saying he couldn't be the man I wanted. I started packing my things and made preparations to move back home with parents 60 miles away.

 

So here I am. I don't know what's true anymore. How can I get close to anyone again if there's a chance they're just going to do a 180? I think about all the things I could do in life now but it just feels pointless, I'm still this worthless piece of junk that he picked up then returned to sender.

 

He was full of contradictions. Seemed really self confident, to the point of arrogance about how ambitious, self reliant, and sexy he was. But then apparently I never complimented him enough so he says HIS self esteem went down the gutter....???!! Because he built himself up so much I didn't feel I needed to say it all the time or could get a word in edgeways. There were times when I tried to give compliments and even after telling him I loved him he would accuse me of lying. How do you respond to that????

 

Okay, I could write a novel rambling on here. The only people I have to talk to right now in RL are parents, but Dad seems to hate even the mention of my ex and Mum admitted she doesn't know what to say to take the pain away because she never went through this (parents married over 30 years).

[Seraphim]

Just remember the only thing that's going to help really is time. It's only been a few months so don't be so hard on yourself. Try not to internalize the opinion of ONE person out of 7 billion. He is one person in 7 billion people. It is also highly unlikely the other 3 .5 billion men in the world are going to be just like him.

[hidden_kitten]

Thanks Victoria. Yes you're right there's others out there, hadn't got so far with anyone before this ex (moving away together, doing up ahome together) so can't see how you can merge your life with someone then reject them in such a cruel way. Wish I had a fast forward button to get over it sooner!

[Seraphim]

Thanks Victoria. Yes you're right there's others out there, hadn't got so far with anyone before this ex (moving away together, doing up ahome together) so can't see how you can merge your life with someone then reject them in such a cruel way. Wish I had a fast forward button to get over it sooner!

 

Unfortunately ,it does happen. But it says more about them than about you. But give yourself time and breathing room. Heal fully and then move on to someone just as wonderful as you.

[rich46]

Thanks Victoria. Yes you're right there's others out there, hadn't got so far with anyone before this ex (moving away together, doing up ahome together) so can't see how you can merge your life with someone then reject them in such a cruel way. Wish I had a fast forward button to get over it sooner!

There's no fast forward button per se, but how you go about recovering will affect the speed of recovery. What have you been doing the last couple of months post-break up? Such an about face from your ex understandably hits your self esteem hard. Figure out small things to achieve and build them up...you need a goal to work towards, or a series of smaller goals.

 

My first break up was 11 years ago. It affected me terribly, I lost a lot of weight, crying, etc and my parents were genuinely worried about my health. I one day decided to go backpacking around New Zealand for a year, something I had thought about since graduating. I worked so hard for 6 months leading up to that to save money, researching, planning, etc. Really built me back up and I had the best year of my life in 2005. Likewise now, I went through my breakup seven weeks ago, and have just had a short trip to Korea, going back to England this summer for a couple of weeks, Taiwan in September, and a ten year anniversary trip to New Zealand at Christmas/New Year.

 

Not saying you should do that, and indeed travel is not everybody's thing, just saying that you need to figure out what makes you happy and work towards doing that. It will show you that you can live and enjoy your life alone, and you will meet a lot more people, and realise that life does go on. It will sting for quite a while, but you'll get there eventually. Got to force yourself to look ahead, and do things to make you feel positive about yourself.

 

In the meantime, there are lots of people here who know what you are going through and will offer support anytime you need it. Good luck

[lovelyla]

I think I am feeling similarly to you at this time. My relationship of 6 years ended 20 days go (yes I am counting!). We shared an apartment, he is staying with his parents and we are moving out permanently next month.

I have bad days and good days. Some things that help me have better days is telling myself "I did the best I could". That is all you can really do. Another quote that helps me is "the way forward is with a broken heart".

I'm spending a lot of time away. Contact friends and family, they are likely to be of comfort and can provide you with company.

Like Rich, I also think travel is helpful. I will be traveling to Europe this summer for a couple of weeks by myself to gain some independence and positive memories alone. Also I've always wanted to do it!

Also, do things he never wanted to do! I recently went to a concert of a band he would hate but I enjoy.

I still have a long way to go, and you may too. But I think you can let a breakup own you or you can own it. I know how much it sucks, trust me. But we will get through!

[hidden_kitten]

What have you been doing the last couple of months post-break up?

 

My main focus right now should be finding a new job. I had to quit my old one in order to move home and couldn't face my previous workplace because that's where I met my ex and the entire store would know I've had to come home with my tail between my legs. Feels completely like back to square one with no partner, job or social life.

 

Travelling isn't really my thing, but I'm exploring employment options in Ireland so all the planning and research gives me something else to focus on and something to look forward to. I had talked with my ex about going over there myself for a couple of months for work experience, and I think that contributed to pushing him away. In a way if I do go and he finds out about it I'm scared it will make him think that he made the right decision with giving up on us. Does that make sense? Pathetic I know.

 

Lovelyla, yeah I've been going to concerts that he would never be interested in. Going alone has been painful though. At least now I can have my hair cut any way I want or wear whatever I like without him moaning about it

[Draven8]

One of life's cruel tricks

 

Sorry your going through this. You will get through it and be a much better version of yourself after it

[rich46]

In a way if I do go and he finds out about it I'm scared it will make him think that he made the right decision with giving up on us. Does that make sense? Pathetic I know.

Not pathetic, it is an understandable mindset after such a painful breakup.

 

You need to stop thinking about how he feels though. Easier said than done though with your damaged self esteem. If anything, pursuing your dream would make him realise the strength of character that you have.....but like I said, the way he views it is irrelevant now.

 

And yeah, going to concerts and doing things alone will be hard at first. As mentioned above, I went to Korea for a short trip recently (I used to live there) and it was tough to force myself to do it alone. But I met a couple of old friends there who I had not seen for five years, and it ended up being so therapeutic and a big hurdle was overcome.

 

I think another priority for you should be to meet new people if your social life is lacking. I am in the same boat, living as I do in the Japanese countryside, and having devoted too much of myself to my ex for the last three years. Going to make up for lost time though now!

[dave_1966]

Lord help us, he came out with a lot of the same old guff my ex girlfriend did to me. I think it's because when they check out for whatever reason they need something to hang their guilt on. Anything is better than saying 'I've found something/someone shiny and new, so I know I'm a knob but I'm off'. Then they'll repeat it with the next one. As soon as you're ready, join a PAID dating site and go out and mingle. It'll do your self esteem some good.