Whos moved on, and who's left a part of themself behind?

[asmodai]

Hi all.

I was just wondering, how many people out there can truly say they've moved on WITHOUT finding someone else first? Does even a little part of them stay with you?

 

I ask because of my situation, my ex g/f broke up with me last year and I haven't been able to totally 'clear' her from my mind, I know its normal to miss them, be curious as to what they're up to etc.. but this particular girl is not like my past relationships. but i feel the only way to try fill the void is to find someone else, or completley flip around my life (move out of town, new friends etc) so I change who I am. (Which i actually want to do, not just because of her).

 

I learnt shes recently back with her ex before me now, which kinda sucks but that isn't the problem - i always wanted her to be happy so i'm cool with whatever she wants in life, even if she did tell me she dumped that guy because he wasn't what she wanted out of life, hey people change so i may not understand it but i can accept that part.

 

I've had no contact with her since the breakup (early-mid last year), she maintained we'd be friends and she'd call me, she never did. Maybe she expected me to call her but she told me she would, otherwise i probably would have tried. This is part of the problem, she also broke up with me over the phone- didn't place enough value on our relationship to face me in person, which did burn me quite a bit.

 

Heres the issue: I still think about her in a way thats hard to explain. I can recognize the relationship wasnt making either of us happy, so its not like i want things to go back the way they were, but I'm still sore about what happened- its like i never got closure. I feel like I need to see her again to tell her how her actions have affected me for these long months.

 

And yes, I do want a second chance, BUT on my terms - she would have to come to me and then i'd make up my mind, I decided a while ago that i would not actively seek contact with her EVER, but the PROBLEM is that i've got a good look in at a job in the hospital where she works and I know one day i'll bump into her, and I think this has opened up some old wounds.

 

It might sound strange, but I feel like i can't move on with my life and get the things I want unless I move out of this town and put some distance between me and her, yet this job is a good opportunity and its frustrating to think that she thought so little of me, yet i have to live with how her actions have impacted upon me.

 

Any thoughts??

[sdw]

A lot of this post is familiar, it raises a lot of issues about NC - if you have no contact you wonder what they are up to etc. If you have contact you probably end up getting hurt because unless you are really over the person then you'll not move on. I dunno - i had a gf when I was 23 and I didn't think about what she was up to after when we broke up and I don't now. I broke up with my last gf about 4 months ago and I still hurt from that, because we were best mates before that and shared everything and suddenly she turned into a cold and distant person with no time for me. That stung. Over the past few months I have sent her emails telling her why I was angry with her, telling her I am no longer in love with her and understand if she doesn't want to be friends with me. In some ways it helps when they don't speak to you because you have to realise that you would never trust them again, after a split like this there is no going back. There's no time limit on healing, by all means get in touch if you want but realise that you may well regret it, she is not the warm caring friend you hope for anymore, but a stranger pretty much and you must be prepared for the fact that a cold factual email from her will probably hurt you. Just gotta work thru it mate.

 

Steve.

[Nap-Man]

I am in a similar situation. I still have strong feelings for a woman that broke up with me almost a year ago. I am leaning towards moving away to work on my doctorate. I know from experience that once I started applying to schools out of state it made me feel better about the break up. I decided to do this because I had a girlfriend for many years in college and we broke up just before graduation. Obviously it broke my heart so I chose to move away to California which had always been a dream of mine. For me losing one dream of being with her and fulfilling a different dream of moving to the beach REALLY helped get over her and put my life on track. It is nice to be far away because for me there was no point in trying to call her, I won't run into her in a bar, I won't see her family, etc.

 

I moved back home after a year to start on my masters and I met someone new. I was completely over my ex and just had a great experience living in LA so I was ready for a new woman, not just rebounding. I don't think that this would work for everyone, but if you have a dream of leaving for whatever reason, ie. job, mountains, water, climate, etc…..then you might as well do it. I think that the combination of losing someone and pursuing a goal of yours is wonderful medicine.

 

I would not have been ready to meet someone new and start a healthy relationship if I had not pursued my dream and moved away. You find out a lot about yourself when you turn your life inside out. I was also in no shape to meet someone new right out of the break up, so getting into a sure-to-fail rebound relationship probably would not have helped in the long run. Now I know you can't break up and move every time but if the situation is right, I think it was a great way to heal!

[asmodai]

Thanks for the replys everyone, i'm feeling a bit better today.

 

Nap-Man: Youre right, its how i feel- i want an adventure, a challenge- something that i've never done or even am reluctant to do... It sounds stupid but its like i wanna push the reset button on my life, throw it all apart and see where they fall together again. I've been applying for quite a few jobs outside my local area, some a rediculously long way away. I'm prepared to go that far, not for her but for me...

 

Its an extreme thing to say i'd be leaving town BECAUSE of her, but it'd be a BIG BIG plus to be nowhere near her, not have those little reminders I get of places we went, things we did etc.. I cant see myself getting the things i want out of life if i stayed here- i'd end up being the same old me, in the same old town, probably with the same old feelings for her, perpetuated by working in the same place together, and even if i didn't bump into her i'd be looking for her- expecting to see her at any moment.

 

And when i met someone i'd be putting a huge burden on them if somehow I was hoping that they can make me forget about her- they can fill the void that she created, and i dont see that as being fair for anyone.

 

I recognise that this is no way to live - knowing I could or would never get back with her but having her ricochet around in my head. I thought time would make it better but i still find it so draining to be in this situation..

 

In the end i'll let things take their natural course- if i get the job at her hospital i'll just bear with it for now, and quit after a year if its as bad as i'm expecting. And IF i see her maybe i can at least get some of the closure i think i deserved, even if seeing her turns my heart insideout.

[Nap-Man]

It's a tough situation. The city where I live is by no means small but everyone tends to do the same things. Meaning that no matter who you are with you will retrace the steps of what you did with your ex. That can really wear on you and a relationship. I will say that not being anywhere near the places you and your ex used to go adn seeing the friends the two of you shared is such a great relief.

 

From my experience it really sucks to be stuck in a job you don't like, hung up on an ex and wondering what else other places might have in store for you. Even if you leave and return at least you will have shut the voice off in your head that keeps telling you to go explore! Like I said before, moving away and flipping your life inside out will change you. If nothing else it will put everything that has happened to you in perspective and may give you a fresh look as to what is important to you and dealing with your old relationship........good luck!

[DragonGirl724]

asmodai,

 

well, about you possibly working in that hospital she works at....i know being in an environment that reminds you of someone who hurt you is torture. until you are fully over them. then its not bad at all. b/c it simply doesnt affect you any longer. and youll get to that pt this will all pass. take it from me. i think everyone w/ a heart feels it at least once in their life. when one of my previous boyfriends passed away i HATED goin to PA to see friends & family. it hurt so bad b/c i associate that place w/ him. its normal to do so & that comes w/ a lot of relationships. even those that endly gently. the answer is not to find someone else. that's selfish & can hurt another person. the best thing to do is find happiness in yourself, in your own life.

 

read this post i wrote a while ago...

 

link removed

 

it might help you.

 

i know whenever i felt at my worst i wanted to run away. this past summer i felt like crap & i even went as far as to have a place lined up in Virginia to move in w/ this girl just to get away from it all & this town i live in on my summer breaks from school. but i realized it doesnt make sense to...not to mention i wasnt finacially stable at the beginning of the summer. so that definitly put a damper on my plans.

 

but im stronger now than i was then. i felt broken & unfulfilled. & i dated but nothing was cuttin it for me, then i realized the work that had to be done was INTERNAL & no one can make me happy unless i was 100% happy with myself. & it woke me up. and i had a pretty good summer after all.

 

my buddy told me this once b/c he was feeling down about life, uncertain of his future & unhappy to say the least:

 

Where do you turn...When it come from every direction

How do you run...When it comes from inside

How do you hide... When its under the covers with you

How do you find the end... When you dont know where to start.

 

check out that link. i hope it helps & answers some of those questions.

 

"chin up mate"

 

-DG724

[Recovering_Lover]

It depends on what you mean by moving on. For me moving on means, being able to accept the situation and carry on with life. That person would always remain in my mind.

 

I have moved on without getting into another relationship. I no longer yearn for her. I have met girls whom I know I can get into a relationship, but I know, I don't have any feelings for them and it would be purely a transition relationship or a sexual one for that matter. So I didn't get involved with them.

 

February would harder for me. Why? Becoz its valentine's day and stuff. It would make me feel that I should just get into a relationship and not be alone. But, I know that I only want to be without I feel and love and not someone for the sake of sex or loneliness. But maybe I should? ;P

 

Anyway, I am still recovering. I know I will for some time to come . =)

 

Well take care.

 

R.L.