I feel so pathetic...

[Heartbrok3n445]

So it's been two weeks tomorrow since we broke up, but three weeks of me knowing it was happening.

 

This time last week I was hysterically crying while packing up/moving out of my place, having to go through our things because he hadn't moved his stuff out, etc. I have come a long way in a week (I hope) but I am still completely heartbroken, I miss him, I want him back, etc. It's also been 4 complete days of official NC (yay for me - I know it doesn't seem like much but if you read my previous posts you will know I reallllllllyyyyyy stuffed up at the beginning with this).

 

So, the last time we spoke was 4 days ago over the phone and was the conversation that really just clicked with me that I needed to STOP. I was SO pathetic as well. He told me over the phone that he wasn't being mean to me because he hated me but because he wanted me to 'learn my lesson'. I asked him what my lesson was and he kind of scoffed like I should have known.

 

And then I got pathetic. I started saying I had learned my lesson, that I would change, that if he doesn't miss me or want me back now he never will. He got mad at me about the last comment and yelled 'it's only been a week!' He said if he wants me back he will try to get me back, he's trying not to think about it right now and distract himself and why can't I just do the same. I did ask him why he had to straight away start adding every single girl on Facebook literally right after we ended it and he said he wasn't (which he was).

 

He then says 'you know if we did end up getting back together we'd probably be the best ever'.

 

These 4 days of NC have really made me see things clearer. I kind of feel like I've got the tiniest bit of my respect for myself back (that I completely threw away in our last conversation).

 

I was SO tempted to text him yesterday. I kept thinking 'maybe if I just say this or that' but I KNOW I don't need to say anything more. He literally knows everything and I've clearly made it look like I will still be waiting around for him. It's like I feel in those moments of weakness like I can maybe convince him to try again? But then I push that out of mind and remember that if we end up back together I want him to come back by his choice, not by me having to 'convince' him.

 

I really think I ruined any chance though because of my actions the first week and a half we broke up. I still also have that tiny bit of hope.... that he will come back. Sometimes I feel I know he will but I can't tell if that's wishful thinking or just instinct. I really can't tell.

 

I just don't get though why he needs to add every single female that he sees on Facebook. I don't know if he's talking to them or what but it makes me feel degraded like I mean it's literally been like 30 girls in the past week. It's make me think he really just did not care about us at all and like I meant nothing to him.

 

I know it's only been 4 days but do you think he still expects me to contact him because of my previous actions? Do you think he has even noticed? 4 days is not long enough to realise anything is it?

 

Do you think I have completely ruined any chance of a reconciliation in the future because of my actions?

 

Xxx

[blanco]

The ball is in his court. Do NOT contact him. This is a time when you need to think worst case scenario. I know it's hard; I'm actually on Day 4 myself. I haven't been tempted to contact her, though, because I know there's NOTHING I can say that's going to make the situation better. My case is different in that I don't wish to reconcile, but I still need to heal. In your case, you've let your feelings be known and he's told you for now, he needs to think about it.

 

Two weeks is nothing if the relationship had any substantial length to it (i.e. around a year), so don't feel bad for feeling bad. But you cannot look to the source of your pain to give you comfort. We all have done that before, but there's nothing he can say short of reconciliation that's going to make you feel better. If he decides he wants that, he will find a way to let you know.

 

And you show exactly why we should rarely keep our exes as FB friends after it ends. It doesn't matter why he's doing that. The important thing is shielding yourself from seeing it.

[faraday]

More than anything, I think you should think about if you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you. I mean...don't you want to be with someone that is completely crazy for you and will do anything in his power to make you happy?

 

I wouldn't worry about reconciling at this point...right now, focus on moving on- getting settled into your life without him...for now, focus on working on yourself so that you're content and at peace with being on your own.

[rich46]

Yeah the facebook thing is crucial. Delete him, then block him immediately. I personally did that the day after my ex ignored my one attempt to speak to her about what was happening. Actually it is a good feeling, as it will initially give you a feeling of having at least a little bit of power, but the real reason for doing it is to prevent seeing what he/she is doing and speed up the healing process. I actually deactivated my account for a month as well, but this may not be a good idea if you rely on friends on there for support. Your call.

[Heartbrok3n445]

Yeah I have him blocked on Facebook now but he did that beforehand. We were together for over 3 and a half years. I feel like I meant nothing.

[spazmy]

People always remember. Nothing vanishes that easily. What does need to happen, however, is for you to handle him as a memory. It is hard right now since things are relatively recent. However, you do need to keep distance to even begin to understand what happened.

[rich46]

Yeah I have him blocked on Facebook now but he did that beforehand. We were together for over 3 and a half years. I feel like I meant nothing.

Likewise, I was with my ex for three years and she became distant suddenly and then completely ignored me. Been 6 weeks of NC since that time and things are getting better slowly, although still have up and down days.

 

I'm sure you meant a lot to him, and I hope I did to my ex as well, but the fact is that they have probably been detaching themselves for quite a while (dumpees being blindsided) so now they are experiencing huge relief and freedom after finally making such a huge decision that has been weighing heavily on their shoulders.

 

Only if you have No Contact whatsoever for an extended period of time, i.e. disappear completely, will they have the opportunity to go through their emptiness. Think months rather than days and weeks though. Dumpers go through different stages to dumpees, and it may hit them at a later date. But definitely not in the early stages of a break up.

 

For instance:

 

Before my recent break up, I have had two serious relationships in my life, and on both occasions the exes came running back to me in the 3-6 month range.

 

First time, it was too late as I had planned to go travelling to New Zealand for a year on my own. After being so cold after the break up, I couldn't believe it when she phoned me in tears after about four months of NC later. "You were so good to me blah blah blah" but by then I had moved on, realised she wasn't for me, etc. Even though this was 11 years ago, I will always remember her saying "you sound so strong" - how the tables turned. You have no option but to fight through it.

 

Second time, again it was may be four months of NC and I presumed I would never hear from her again, and I had began dating again, and not kidding, I received a text from her out of the blue when I was actually on a date with a girl I was getting close to. I ignored the text, but she became more and more persistent, texting and texting to "talk about us" and we eventually got back together, but it didn't feel right. We rushed it. And I learnt a lot from that. I would take it sooooo much slower in future, but actually, could you ever fully trust someone again who has left you and behaved so coldly?

 

The point is that your ex has made his decision, and will not back down from it in the short-term. If you want him to back down from it in the longer term, then you have to stick with NC and work to improve yourself. Absolutely no guarantees he will come back, and even if he does, you will have hopefully reached the stage of indifference by then anyway.

 

Good luck to you

[Heartbrok3n445]

I just feel like I have made myself look like I will wait for him. Like as though he thinks he can just come back if he wants to cause he thinks I'll be there.

 

I hate that I did that... how can he feel like he has lost me when I've made it look like I'm waiting...

 

And those comments about learning my lesson then saying if we got back together we'd be the best... like just dont say anything at all!

 

We basically broke up because he didnt know if he wanted to grow up yet, he wanted to be free, do what he wants when he wants, etc.

 

We moved in very young and too soon and lived together for 2 years. This year he started hanging out with some friends more and more and they go out a lot, etc and I guess he wanted that.

 

We fought a lot cause of money. I'd always have to cover his half/I missed out on things cause he'd spend all our spending money, etc.

 

Then that started the lying. He would just randomly say I'm going out and ignore me all night then apologise the next day and promise he'd atleast tell me or be more sensible with the money. Then it kept happening so the fights started about it.

 

Then he'd pick fights purposely so he could blame me for WHY he wasted all our money, etc.

 

And it just got too much for him I guess. We said we would move out anyway and try to make it work but he didnt want to.

 

Almost two months ago he was saying he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, etc. He always said to look at the big picture and that this will pass and is just a phase of his life.

 

I mean I do know we need to be apart right now. He needs to be single and do what he needs to do and stuff.

 

Just the way he went about it all really killed me. He knows I'm a good person who just tried to do the best for us.

 

And now he is enjoying his freedom I'm sure but I hope he wakes up in a month and realises that it cant last forever and that he made a mistake.

 

He wanted a future with me but I guess realised it was too much too soon and he needed his young, single time and I get that. It just sucks that he threw our relationship away because of it.

[rich46]

I just feel like I have made myself look like I will wait for him. Like as though he thinks he can just come back if he wants to cause he thinks I'll be there.

 

I hate that I did that... how can he feel like he has lost me when I've made it look like I'm waiting...

Time. Apart. No Contact. That is the only way.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself, it is natural to do what you have done, and react the way you have. But, now is definitely the time to implement and continue with NC.

[sofiapofia]

You're not pathetic at all, but here's what you need to do (having been in that situation myself a year ago):

 

1. Zero contact! Disappear off the fact of this earth, not to show him what he's lost -- no, thats just game playing and painful for YOU.

 

2. Get busy with a hobby, your life, your job, etc. Here's how you find something you are interested in: make a list of what you would like to change about your life (no relationship stuff) if you could, choose one achievable thing off the list, and go and get it.

 

3. Cut out mutual friends.

 

 

4. Don't look him up online. My ex was busy adding girls too, dating people, probably sleeping around - it made me sick and I couldn't eat for days wondering what happened to the guy who loved me etc., but remember he's in a really moronic phase right now. He hasn't registered the breakup or the loss and IS BANKING ON YOUR CONTINUED ATTENTION to boost his ego, so...

 

5. Stop existing for him. At first it will be super hard, but delete him off everything, and find yourself. There is a person out there who is amazing but needs a bit of attention (that person is you by the way).

 

6. Don't go out there to date, to prove something to him or anyone. I am considered an attractive female and have lots of guys after me (I am at grad school so lots of single and slightly desperate men around ha ha) - but I have too much 'love' for myself right now to date for the sake of it. It's been a year and I haven't dated, simply cause why date if you aren't really interested, eh? There is no harm in being single - it's freed me up SO SO MUCH (something i only realised recently) AND best of all??? NO more drama. The only person who causes me drama these days is me, and I can control me.

 

FYI: Your ex can get married in the next two weeks, adopt children, decide to move to the Moon with a new girlfriend etc etc, but what he does should not influence your timeline of 'getting back to normal'. Also I'll put it out there: there is no getting back to normal haha cause your normal will change - and trust me I don't want to go back to the 'normal' that was before i met him. I have grown up way too much since the breakup and I like the new stronger more assertive me.

 

 

And please remember this: no one is worth crying over at all. Let him add all his girls, let him date someone else because you know what? A couple of months, years down the line, you'll barely remember him/how he hurt you. You'll get over the hurt (if you focus on yourself) and have good memories and he will have no effect - good or bad - on you.

 

Please stay strong. From now it's not about him or what he wants or his thoughts. You can spend HOURS trying to figure out what went wrong and what he wants or his plans, etc., but the only person you need to think about right now is you. You can read my previous posts if you want, I was in a terrible terrible state, thought he was 'the one', and he was similarly moronic and distant after our breakup and that phone call? Ha I've had that too, he called me mental and said I had ruined his life and reputation among his friends (for just existing I guess). Well that hurt for sure for months, but now? LOL I laugh cause it's the 'link removed' meme

 

You need to think of this meme anytime you think of any of his explanations and stories or general life advice to you (which by the way is super patronising to tell you that you need to learn a lesson - he can go and hop). You'll be fine, trust me.

[spazmy]

I agree with Sofia Pofia. Just lead your own life. Easier said than done, though. But still, it can be done. I too was once dating as a grad student -- and it took a lot of effort being whole again after breaking up with her. But I got busy and slowly and steadily, she became irrelevant. Moreover, gradually, you learn much more about yourself and go on a deeper journey after breakups. Certainly, the experience of being alone has helped me to write a lot better as an academic. In the end, these tough experiences add up. While there is no conventional way of saying they are good for us (given the kind of tumult and pain they cause us in our lives), they nevertheless show you reality in a way we may not have anticipated before. Forget about what he is doing. Enjoy being by yourself. Get a lot of work done -- and move ahead, jump ahead, leap ahead in life...

[blanco]

And just remember, your ex cannot miss something that isn't gone. The girl I mentioned in my first post; we split for a few weeks a couple years ago. I initiated NC as a means of helping me get past it. I broke it after a few days, but kept LC after that, never initiating contact myself. It took less than two weeks for her to start sending texts like, "Ugh, I think I still like you!" and about how she had ended the relationship so she could have more time to herself, but then she spent all that time thinking about me. In retrospect, I think she was just lonely, even though I had been a pretty good boyfriend to that point. And this was a girl who had never gotten back together with a guy after breaking up with him; not even the father of her children. Obviously it didn't work out in the long run, but I doubt she would've wanted to try again if I hadn't distanced myself from her life.

 

It's funny how I have trouble applying clear logic to my own situation, but see things sensibly with everyone else's situations. In your case, I know that what's become normal for you is having this person in your daily life. It's going to feel really weird having that change. But it has to happen, at least for him to possibly see what he's lost. More importantly, it has to happen for yourself. We all lived lives before our exes. It's a matter of permitting ourselves time to build new routines and definitions of "normal" that don't include our ex.

[BrookeHx]

Your doing the right thing by staying strong. I broke up with my ex two months ago and for the first week or so I was always contacting him. I pretty much begged him to take me back. I had lost all self respect for myself.

 

Whenever I NC he would get in touch a week later. He wouldn't say anything meaningful but just enough to get my hopes up again then he'd drop me again a day or so later. Telling me how he still didn't know what he wanted. This vicious circle lasted until last week. I met with him and we didn't speak about the break up. We had a great afternoon but again the next day he couldn't commit to what he wanted to happen with us.

 

I've now realised that if someone wants to be with you they'll do whatever it takes to get you back. If he knows your always there waiting on the sidelines then he's got no need to get his act together and sort himself out. He doesn't need to put the work in if your doing it for him.

 

Focus on you. Your more important than anyone else right now. Do what you want to do and make yourself happy. If he wants you back I'm sure he'll know where to find you.

 

It's hard but it's the right thing to do.

[Heartbrok3n445]

Thanks everyone, really appreciate the advice!

 

I'm struggling today. I really want to text him but I'm too scared of getting no response/a bad response. It's so hard! It's day 5 today... he hasn't tried to contact me at all

 

I'm trying to stay strong. I bet he hasn't even realised he hasn't heard from me, OR he has and is thankful for it.

 

This sucks

[BrookeHx]

I know how hard it is but whenever I gave in and text my ex I instantly regretted it the minute I pressed send. His reply was never what I wanted to her either so it sent me spiralling back to square one.

 

As I got stronger and I managed not to text him that's when I started to feel better. My ex would text me after a while but by that point I wasn't thinking about it too much.

 

He will notice your silence. If he gets in touch let it be on his terms. Whatever he says then will be his own doing not in reply to something you've asked or prompted. Your going to get more honest contact if you let him make the first move.

 

I know it won't feel like it now but it honestly does get easier.