should i dump this "friendship"

[apple457]

i've had an intense flirtation/friendship with someone for most of this year. we live in different states but met in person visiting mutual friends. ever since the meeting we have talked almost every day through text/chat. we recently decided to meet up again and spend a few days together. things started ok, but soon he started to shut down and i could sense there was something wrong. i found it hard to enjoy myself because my head started getting foggy with worry. randomly before dinner one night he made it clear this was a friends only situation, no romantic feelings. this hurt because i felt like i was played and flirted with under false pretenses. oh, and we already had sex and continued to do so... oops. i wish the talk had come sooner to save any confusion because it felt like i had to defend the fact i just wanted to enjoy his company right then and there; not expecting a ldr. after the talk we started getting along again and ended our trip on good terms, but i heard from a friend that when i first started sensing the weird behaviour, he was saying mean things about me, wishing he could leave or i could leave, and this was a mistake. i asked him if he regretted getting together again and he said no. he owned up to being unsure and unhappy at one point but said he got over it and things felt better in the end. there was still so many points of conflicting messages though, like why still romantically kiss me goodnight or goodbye? am i just being emotionally drained and used by this person? things are back to normal between us communication wise, but i continue to have recent events beating me up inside. i've only been able to talk to one other friend about this weird turn of events in my life... if anyone has any comments of advice i would greatly appreciate.

[ParisPaulette]

It's quite one thing to express to a friend that you're having doubts about the person you've been hooking up with. It's quite a whole other level though when they trash talk you behind your back to someone else. And the whole "By the way this is just a friendship" thing after you've had sex yeah, he's using you. And isn't particularly honest or nice about it.

 

The best thing is to shoot him a text and tell him you know he's trash talked you--seriously, that goes way beyond "doubts" and you are looking for something more than an FWB, so you are going to walk away. Then you block and delete him.

 

Never stay involved with anyone who says mean things about you behind your back then lies to your face about it and claims to be your friend. Frenemies are something none of us need including you. And that's what he is, definitely a user if that's how he plays.

[Andrina]

You're going to have to take his words and behavior at face value. He doesn't think you're special enough to have a serious relationship with, but since you're a willing bed partner without dumping him as the fwb he is, then why not kiss you, etc? I really wouldn't want to give one more second of my time to someone who wasn't crazy about me and didn't want to build a future with me. I'm worthy of someone who treats me like gold, and if you don't think you are, you need to start building your self esteem.

 

My advice is to stick to local dating. You can find out far sooner if someone is on the same page as you, and treats you well over time. You can have a warm body to cuddle up with regularly during the week, and have a companion to enjoy life with. Don't waste time again having an internet pen pal. Life's too short.

 

I made mistakes when dating, but I also did some things right. There are men I cut loose after a few dates or a couple of months, depending on when I found out they weren't on the same page as me in dating goals. When I met my future husband, we matched in all of the major ways, and I'm so glad I cut the losers lose, so that I was free when Mr. Right came along.

[apple457]

truth hurts so much, but thank you both for this perspective. i'm honestly scared to confront about knowing what he said about me. i doubt i will see him again in person anyway. i'm scared and sad because i wasn't expecting the way it turned out at all. i hoped for a fun vacation, not stressed betrayal.