Urgent request for advise about boyfriends secret

[hockeyboy]

I don't think he wouldn't tell her cause he does not trust her but rather cause he is afraid of her reacton. Probably afraid she wont want to be with him anymore, wont accept that in her partner. That's her decision to make and not his. I don't think its okay to justify his actions and not hers. If they are not his…he is still hiding something.

 

I think that if your gut tells you something you should follow it. I know that if I had not done so in the past I wouldn't have found things out right away, things that I would have found out eventually and would have been a lot worse off if I found out later rather then sooner.

[Beec]

I see it like this:

 

If he is hiding that he wears womens clothes then he doesn't want her to know. If he doesn't want her to know then he doesn't trust her. And if he doesn't trust her...and she went through his stuff...guess what...he is going to feel justified in not trusting her.

 

I personally would be livid to know my boyfriend went through my stuff when I wasn't home.

 

Don't you think if he was gay you would have been able to tell? Maybe it's just a fetish...maybe they aren't even his clothes

 

Muneca,

 

First you say he does not trust her, because he is hiding something. True enough.

 

Then you say that you would be livid if your boyfriend went through your stuff. So, you must be hiding things from your boyfriend too.

 

I think we all hide soem things from our loved ones.

 

How important it is depends, on a lot.

[Mun]

I see your point Hockeyboy and I guess it just goes back to the kind of people we are.

 

I am not the type to be insecure and suspicious and go snooping through someone else's personal things. I respect other peoples privacy just as I would like for them to respect mine. I'd rather keep my eyes and ears open to what the other person's actions tell me and go from there.

 

I just have a different opinion.

[DN]

Gotta tell ya hockeyboy that I agree with muneca.

 

see that's what happens when you are a Ottawa Senators fan - you can't trust anyone anymore!!!

[Mun]

Honestly Beec, I don't have much to hide.

 

I would be angry if my boyfriend went through my things not because I'm hiding something but because I would expect the same respect from him that I give to him. I wouldn't go through his things.

[caramellabacix]

now, come on...

how can you even prove that the clothes are his????

 

personally, if it were me who found stuff like that in a boyfriends bedroom, then i would just assume it was an ex girlfriends.

 

however, the internet sites do seem suspicious...

 

if you really need to know, and expect him to tell the truth, than you have to tell him the truth as well.

 

yes, he might be angry, but how long would the relationship anyway with this always in the back of your mind??

[OceanEyes]

Am I the ONLY person here who thinks that what she found is more important than the actual snooping? Of course snooping isn't the best way to learn more about your partner, but come on, finding things like crusty thongs, sex toys, graphic homosexual websites, and anal-oriented things would probably make me have a heart attack. She snooped, but this guy seems to be hiding a hell of a lot more than that!

 

Jayne - How you handle this depends on what you're actually willing to accept. Are you the type of woman who could deal with tendencies like this, if it happens to be some kind of fantasy for him? Do you think you would still feel the same about him, and your relationship? I gotta tell ya, I wouldn't. I would feel like I didn't even know him in the first place, and that wouldn't seem *right* to me.

 

Even if these objects are from his time with an ex-girlfriend, why on earth would he keep old, nasty underwear? That would make most women sick to their stomachs (finding out that their boyfriend was keeping aged, stained undergarments in a shoebox somewhere). However, with the evidence that you found on his computer (how could you NOT check after what you found), it does seem to indicate that your man either has some very "different" fantasies, or that he's in the closet about something - literally!

 

Just out of curiosity, how is your sex life with him? Has it changed since you met him, or has he requested different things from you?

[revdeluka]

wow now isnt that freaky. well the only thing you should do now is to confess to him that you went snooping. appologise and then ask him to explain all the freaky stuff. your at a dead end, the relationship cant go on like this without problems. i would really like to know what his explanation for this is. pm me or post his reactions and then we'll know what to do next.

[hockeyboy]

Am I the ONLY person here who thinks that what she found is more important than the actual snooping?

 

nope. ive been agreeing.

 

the evidence is pretty stacked up against this guy that will confirm her suspicions. as ive said before...is it better of her to snoop or would it have been better for her to live a lie...to be ignorant to this major issue for who knows how long? if you snoop a little and im not even sure how much she snooped...did you just open the closet door or tear the place apart? but anyways..i still say that you should follow your gut instinct, because in my life it has always proven to be right. its just a way of protecting yourself. im not saying everyone should go snooping all the time and that it needs to be done, but rather that when you get that feeling....dont ignore it. i did once...wish i hadnt.

[PrincessLinzay]

I see things from both sides.

 

As for the snooping, what's done is done. Regardless of whether or not snooping is right or wrong, you found what you found, and obviously it's going to eat away at you.

 

I would probably be concerned if I found these things in my boyfriend's apartment. Womens clothes could mean a plethera of things (none of which are favorable, at least not to me )

 

If it's bothering you, the only thing to do is discuss it with him. If you don't, you'll just constantly be thinking about it. Who knows? Perhaps there is a reasonable explanation for the womens clothes and sex toys?

 

In general, I think snooping is kind of just human nature. Even under the best intentions, it's natural to be curious about what your significant others personal effects could mean. I think people do it even when they aren't suspicious. It's like trying to figure out someones personality just by looking at the types of things they posess. But, BUYERS BEWARE: You might find something quirky, like womens undies perhaps!