Stay or move on? Confused...

[leothelion]

I have been married for quite a few years(10+).

I have 2 children. I have fallen in love my another woman.

She was only a friend and now I cant stop thinking about her, yearning to see her or hear from her by a phone call. We talk almost daily.

She has younger children (3), divorced. I am pretty sure if I was divorced that she would want to date me, be more intimate (physical).

But she wont do that with any married man.

I love her kids as they are my own. I really wanted to see her find a husband and now I am wishing I could be him.

I dont want to break up my friendship with her. We have never even touched (hugged with one arm at most), just talked.

And we talk about anything. I feel like she is my soul mate. I know this may sound like some infatuation.

I am so confused. My wife and I are seeking counceling, but it is not helping much, we are SO different in every way. looking back, I married my wife, because she was the first one that accepted me and loved me. And honestly, I really liked her, but over the years, I see how different we are and how we can never as close and I want. I am devoted to her regardless. I dont believe in Divorce unless there is cheating.

I have asked God to help me understand my feelings for my friend, and it hurts so bad to not be with her.

 

Has anyone experienced this before?

[DN]

Bad situation and it's really tough. But you know what you should do - concentrate on your marriage and do your best to forget about her.

 

If your marriage still fails then that may be the time to see if there's something there. But you have to make a real and honenst attempt to get your marriage working - there's too many people will be hurt if this all goes pear-shaped, including you!

[Day_Walker]

It seems that you have a lot on your plate at the moment and it would be hard to focus on counseling with your wife if you want to be with another woman. I dont really see how that would work. You need to take one thing at a time. At this point it seems to me that you have to ask yourself what do you really want, this should be a question that takes a while to answer you need to honestly think about this. Once you have come up with your answer then you need to go from there.

[mazurka]

Marriage requires commitment,

 

If you are a good man, you think of your kids first. What does your wife want?

 

My viewpoint is, if you are both unhappy then it is not good for your children and it would be better off going your separate ways. It would be better for your children if you where both fundementally happy even if you where separated(REM this is my opinion, not my experience)

 

However if you can reconcile and make a decent envirnoment for the kids then all the better for all c0oncerned. You owe it to your kids to make the best effort

 

Ask yourself why you like this other woman, is it intrigue and mystery? Before you act you should think of the long term and really try to be honest with yourself about everything and the consequences.

 

Good luck with your situation

[tiger_lilies]

If you are commited to making your marriage work, I'd suggest that you stop all contact with this "friend". The more this friend is in your life, the less you will concentrate on working on your marriage. Easier said than done, I know, but there's no easy way out of your situation.

 

You are not being fulfilled at home and that's why you seek condolence elsewhere....such as being with your understanding friend.

 

I commend her for not getting involved with a married man!

[GettingOverIt]

I agree with tiger_lilies... *IF* you are committeed to making the marriage work, then you have to go No Contact as much as possible. No, it is not easy... In fact, it may be one of the hardest things you will have to do if you want to make your marriage work....

 

You need to sit down and seriously think about your committment to your marriage. You are in counseling, but you said it's not going well... Think about the reasons it's not working.... Would it be working if this other person was not in the picture?

 

I agree with the response about not staying 'for the children' if staying together would make the home environment a detriment, rather than enriching...

[_Ramirez_]

Well, I don't agree with everyone point of vue so I'll share mine with you.

 

There is a time when a relationship between 2 people might actually fail and there is a time when a marriage cannot be saved. This time come when you just can't take it anymore for whatever reason and when you know you will be happier alone.

 

Maybe you tried all you could with your wife, you're doing some counseling and it doesn't seem to work out. Did you asked yourself why you allowed yourself to become so close from your friend? Maybe she's just filling a hole that was there, a hole in your emotional life that was left by your sinking marriage. I believe that the question is: What is missing in your life to make you happy? And can your wife fill that need or will you have to go look elsewhere to feel whole again?

 

Stop your marriage before doing anything with your friend, that's the only advice I can give you, you will respect yourself a lot more and she will respect you for it too. Give yourself some time and then see what actions you need to take. If your friend gives you what you need to live happier lives then don't stop seeing her, just try to hold on to your horses before you scare her and take your time.

 

When I read your message I see a person that knows his marriage is over and that just need some reassurance to move on. For now you did nothing wrong, but for the sake of your children just end this in the least painful way. You won't be able to live like this forever, you should act before someone else act for you.

[Abacab]

I totally agree with Ramirez...

 

If you've really tried everything to salvage your marriage, and haven't been successful, go for a divorce. In the meantime, establish NC with the other woman.

 

Staying married for the sake of kids may sound noble indeed. But at the end you'll feel more and more resentment towards yourself and your spouse.

 

Good luck to you.

[goodoleboy]

I have a close friend that was in this type of deal. He told me when Christmas hit and the kids and wife were there then it was all worth while. He also got away from the friend and about a month of no contact and putting forth effort with his wife he is now happy as he could ever be.

[brando]

Leo.

 

i have a coworker whose x brother in law told his wife of 5 years that he wanted a divorce because he met a woman and she is his soulmate. They have two children. So the divorce is final and he hooks up with his soulmate, within a year his "soulmate" dumped him.

 

Ask God to help you with you. Divoce is too easy today to obtain. Think hard about it. Are you happy with yourself? Is the counseling not effective because you are concentrating on your friend? Are you giving your wife your full attention?

 

Back off on talking to your friend. Im curious if she is influencing you to divorce your wife?? She may be looking for security from you, and that maybe all it is. It is easy to be fooled with the grass is greener...

 

Concentrate more on your marriage and then see where you stand. I am divorced and though i am not bitter, i know i and my x did not do everything we could have to say married. A shame in my eyes. Just my two cents. I wish you the best of luck.