brokenguy Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 So some friends invited me out to watch a live rugby game today. Was a fun environment with friendly people and sunshine and even a couple nice beers and a BBQ. But, if for goodness sake my ex kept creeping into my head. I was depressed and sad most of the day. Kept thinking about my ex and what she might be doing and how nice it would be if she were with me. It's taking away from my own good time and fun and healing. What's wrong with me? My logical mind knows its over and I need to move on. I was talking with really cool and nice cute girls and still felt like everything was just wrong. It's amazing how upside down everything feels. Again, just venting and expressing myself. Thanks to all of you. Link to comment
kbbcoop77 Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 That's totally normal. It takes time to truly let go but it does happen. I was in the same exact spot for several months but trust me as time marches on it slowly gets easier. Now I go out no problem and when my ex enters my head there's more of a dull sadness not overwhelming grief. Hang in there it just takes time. Link to comment
pavlo81 Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Mate im 10months im still depressed not as bad but at 6 weeks I had days I didnt move off the couch. ..your doing ok Link to comment
brokenguy Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 Thank you for reading. Another freakout for me just now. Had to text the ex and ask if we could talk tonight by phone about some taxes related issues. She text me okay but later because she was going out to dinner. That simple phrase sent me into freakout anxiety mode, because I'm wondering who is she going with and why can't we be together? This is such a nightmare. I don't even know if she is going out with a guy, but my mind really is my own worst enemy now. Feels like being setback in my emotions. I guess this is why no contact is so important, but I have to talk about some tax business with her tonight. I know she'll probably be cold and directly to the point. Thank goodness I can vent here. So down about the whole thing again and I still cant believe this is really happening in my life. Trying to be strong. This is such and up and down ride I want off of. I gave advice in another thread that if the ex really is happier without you then so be it and transcend it because you really love her and want the best for her. I'm having trouble following my own advice. OK, breathing exercises...... Link to comment
brokenguy Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 Well, heck. I guess I panic posted before in an anxiety frenzy. Phone call went fine, was calm, and I got all the business information I needed. Didn't even mention her dinner and this moment I don't even care if she was with another guy or not. I"m fine now, but realize now why no contact is so important. Yep, breakup emotional ups and downs are radical and peak and dip with great amplitude. Back to my attempting to stay calm and transcend the problem... Link to comment
sky09 Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Well, heck. I guess I panic posted before in an anxiety frenzy. Phone call went fine, was calm, and I got all the business information I needed. Didn't even mention her dinner and this moment I don't even care if she was with another guy or not. I"m fine now, but realize now why no contact is so important. Yep, breakup emotional ups and downs are radical and peak and dip with great amplitude. Back to my attempting to stay calm and transcend the problem... I always wonder why people need to give you a back-story on what they did, going to do, etc. A simple, I have plans or I am busy would do it... Hang in there, man. Link to comment
brokenguy Posted April 13, 2015 Author Share Posted April 13, 2015 Does anyone else in heartbreak, or who had heartbreak, wake up each morning with anxiety and stress and you feel like you are slowly day by day building up more pressure and are not sure how the energy is going to ultimately release itself? Sometimes I wonder if I'll just pop with massive anger one day or something? I talk with friends and I post here, and I exercise each day but it still feels like more energy is being built up than let loose. For some reason I'm worse in mornings and daytime, but at night not as bad. I think I have this subconscious underlying intense motivation most of the day to go to her and fix this major problem and be together again. But the reality is there is nothing I can do to fix the issue, so I'm stuck. Therein lies the rub. Major internal motivation with no place to go and nothing I can do. sigh. Maybe I'm just feeling extra stress today because I talked by phone with her last night and am back to day one of no contact. Link to comment
kbbcoop77 Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Any contact sets you back. The only thing that helps is time. Stay busy to keep yourself distracted but really you have to let time go by. Eventually they slip away as you get used to them not being there anymore. But if you keep breaking NC is just reopens the wound. Link to comment
brokenguy Posted April 14, 2015 Author Share Posted April 14, 2015 Thanks kbbcoop77. I think know the real root that's holding me back from moving on and healing and building a new life. My main problem is I still love her and just don't want to let go of us and 15 years of experience together. When I read you say "Eventually they slip away" every molecule in me is screaming "NO!". I'm hoping for another chance, but I've got to face the fact that it probably won't happen. The seed that was planted in my head took place about a week after we broke up I asked her if there is chance we could get back together sometime in the future and she said yes. The next day we went for a short walk and I said "It would be really unfair to me for you to say there may be chance if there isn't" and she said "anythings possible." I'm thinking now that she was just saying what she felt at the time but wasn't really meaning it. Her friends are telling me to just move on and that she feels relief I'm not with her anymore. Ouch, is that a shot. I'm a laid back kind nice guy and cant imagine how my absence could be a relief. What I need to face now is that I have to let go no matter how much I don't want to. Who knows maybe we will get back together in one or ten years. But for now, I can't hold myself back and hold on to any false hope. I have to let go, build my self confidence, become more independent. Learn to be happy by myself and hope to eventually meet someone new that is more compatible and appropriate. Okay so the logic is clearly in front of me and makes sense to me, so why can't I let go? love? a degree of co-dependance? insecurity? fear of the unknown? discomfort of losing whats stable and known? Jealousy of some random bloke who steps in now? Not wanting to feel like a rejected failure? I guess all of the above. I feel like I'm hanging on a trapeze and I'm down to holding on with just two finger before I fall. I'm going to have to let go soon and have faith the safety net is below. Link to comment
kbbcoop77 Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 Sorry to say but after 15 years it's gonna be a while before you really start feeling half way normal. Probably a year or more. As months go by it gets easier but it's a slow process. You're in for a roller coaster of emotions, but it does get better. After 13 months I'm definitely feeling better, after accepting it's over and letting go. Buts it's a process, not a switch. Hang in there. Link to comment
saluk Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 "I'm a laid back kind nice guy and cant imagine how my absence could be a relief." People leave because the absence of the relationship is a net positive, even taking into account the heavy losses involved in the separation process. But this isn't a personal reflection of YOU. It's a reflection of how the other person feels in the two states. While you could have acted differently or whatever, you don't know what was going on in her head or what it felt like for her, and to a certain extent probably did not have control over it. Being with someone you no longer feel like being connected with is a strain, regardless of how "good" things seem on the outside or from your perspective. It's almost a brain chemistry thing. The chemistry in your brain, and the chemistry in hers, were no longer aligned, for whatever reason. She has put herself in an environment that better suits her chemistry, while removing an element that was crucial for your own. You have to get your brain to spin the other way now. That net positive state may not last, but unless her alignment moves back to matching yours again, getting back together is a non starter. It's generally questionable to listen to what mutual friends say, but in this case I think their advice is pretty good. Letting go will be good for you even if you find a way back to each other in 10 years. Let go of the trapeze. There may be another trapeze you grab onto as you fall. Let go of that one as well. It's a process that will renew you each time you are able to let a little bit go. Link to comment
brokenguy Posted April 19, 2015 Author Share Posted April 19, 2015 For anyone who happens to be following this thread, I did not want to leave it hanging. As hard as it is to let someone I love so very very much go, I have to do it. It takes two for a relationship and both have to be on-board or at least have a WILL to put in a little work to make things right when things are down. I am full of love and have that will, but she has none. I am taking the advice of mutual friends and the advice and experience shared here and calling it done and over. I guess it's over whether I want it to be or not, but I mean I accept it now. I do not want to make the mistake of holding on to false hope of getting back together. Time to look forward and plan a new life and heal. The painful emotional hell I've been through the past two months is the worst I have ever felt in my life. I think I will continue to have pain for up to a year, based on what others have said, but I'm ready to face it now with all the internal strength I can find. I had intense pain even this past Friday, while when out with friends, I just started crying in public and had to excuse myself and head home. So, I have let go of the trapeze. I'm in a free fall but also am feeling a tad bit of relief. I truly love her and do hope the best for her and I hope she finds whatever it is that she thinks she can find. I would prefer we had stayed together, but I just want happiness and joy for us all. I will truly miss her, but not harbor any resentment or anger, as that will just cause unwanted baggage. I fully forgive her and myself for our very unfortunately failed relationship. I guess this is what they call the acceptance phase. It's so hard to accept something you and your heart don't want, but I'm ready to grow, overcome, and find myself again. Peace, love, and happiness to you all. Thank you. I suppose if I still want to continue to post to this forum I'll move my thoughts into the healing after breakup forum. Link to comment
Lkut8 Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 I'm going through the same exact thing. My ex and I were together 2.5 years though so not nearly as long as you. It's truly difficult, and I know exactly how you're feeling. I don't want this either, not at all. I just want to rewind to when things started going wrong so we could have another chance at fixing it, or fast forward to when he realizes the mistake and comes back. It'll get easier with time. We all just have to support each other. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Link to comment
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