Its been 7 years. And all of a sudden, I am back to square one! Advice?

[sssudio]

I'll give the back story:

 

She and i met after chatting online, we got together almost instantly. She was a muslim, so we didnt have sex, as i wasn't a muslim. It didn't bother me at all. In the 2nd year, she was away at university, and we chatted every day. I have to admit, I wanted sex, and was very stupid, and cheated on her, twice with the same girl, a friend. I realized that was it. Arrogantly, thought I could get away with it. In the 3rd year, we moved into together, 1 month later, she found out. It was hard as we couldnt 'split up'...Over the next 11 months, I was cheated on, lied to, A taste of my own medicine. I am unsure if she slept with anyone, never been 100%!We drifted apart, obviously, even though I tried, I did love her, painfully. I was ignored away. I knew she was with someone at the end of our relationship.

 

7 odd years pass, maybe a few emails. I am married, doing very well, but not over her , she is always in my mind, daily, as i never have been as 'in love' as i was at first. I suffered a very bad stroke recently, and have been ill, and my memory has been damaged because of this, so I sometimes think my wife is her, or i am with my ex. So, its difficult as everyday, almost, I have to re-discover the past, re-break up, in my mind. That in itself I cannot tell my wife.

 

I recently accidentally found out, via social network, she has a child with the guy whom she was cheating with me on, not married, nor he is a muslim. I feel hurt by this, really hurt.Not just the sexual part, but it brings out the other anger issues. I never wanted to break up, I wanted children with her, I was studying a lot to convert to muslim for her. And now, I am trying to come to terms with it and i just cannot at all. I have spent the last 2 weeks not speaking to anyone, crying, and there isn't anything i can do now. At all. Do re-friend her? or attempt to? or try to forget everything, again?

 

Any advice is needed: yes, i know i was a bastard in the beginning, but she was at the end.

[mhowe]

Too much toxicity to bother revisiting. I would suggest counseling to learn to focus on what you have and not what you lost.

[Willywagtail]

Agree with mhowe. Time to let go. You haven't processed what happened and the sadness, resentment and anger are still with you. The past is the past - you can't change what has happened, but you can change how you think about it.

 

Either see a therapist or make a real effort to stop your thoughts going to her all the time. It's not good to live in the past - you need to be in the present. It drains your energy and means that you're not 100% available for your wife or for healing after your stroke.

 

I'm sorry to hear about the stroke, but see it as an opportunity to 'fix' your mind as well. Get some help, you won't regret it if you do.

[Jewels7]

You're married. That would be emotional cheating. Don't friend her, social media stalk her, anything. Get counseling. It will help you.