A step forward or a step back

[Jmal1994]

My ex girlfriend and I split up seven weeks ago, we were together 2years 8months and are both 20, she broke up with me because she developed an infatuation with someone she goes to college with, she kissed him after we broke up, and they've hung out quite a bit since, while I've been incredibly heartbroken

 

Since the break up, I have had great time to reflect on everything, get deep into my college studies and take up new hobbies, I have become a better person, more attractive as many girls where I work have been flirting with me a lot. However, none of them are relationship material/my type of girl.

 

I have kept LC with my ex, we text each other twice a week to see how we are, it's mutual texting and we have arranged to see eachother twice since the break up, both times, she has been very upset and regretful about what has happened.

 

At our last meeting, I gathered the courage to apologise, in person to her, about my actions after the breakup, I was understandably hurt that she lied to me about this guy being 'just a friend', and I carried the guilt of being rude to her, it's not in my nature. She burst into tears and still takes full blame for what happened

 

Now, this is where my confusion sets in, she said she ruined everything we had and that she was real sorry, to which I replied that we could have what we had again, but only if she wanted to... She told me she was too scared of hurting me again and said I would be better off with someone else who would treat me better, she said I was doing better off without her (I wasn't, I was trying to fill the void that she left) She said it would absolutely kill her to see me with someone else, but 'she made this bed and now she must lie in it'. But I was open to starting things afresh, I have honestly forgiven the girl, she was incredibly stressed at college, as was I, I have learned the need for communication and compromise in a relationship

 

I have been on dates with other girls, but none of them have been special, or different enough for me to get to know, but seeing my ex casually, has just reaffirmed my feelings towards her

 

One final thing, I'm not sure if this related, but we are still on social media, she has all pictures of me up there and around her house, I don't believe she is seeing this infatuation anymore, but she is constantly putting negative tweets on twitter saying 'numb' and 'I just want this day to end'

 

I do love this girl still, I am willing to do anything to have her back, surely all relationships have a hiccup like this, tell me if I'm in denial.

[mhowe]

Lying isn't a "hiccup". Becoming involved with someone else WHILE with you isn't a "hiccup".

 

The reason you can't move on is you haven't let go. And you won't until you do. Seeing your ex brings up warm fuzzy feelings. But this isn't about communication and it isn't about compromise. It is about having respect for you --- which she didn't.

 

She is scared of hurting you again --- because she knows she could easily do "this" again. The bed she made --- being free to flirt and have crushes --- is the bed she wants. She isn't ready for a relationship....she wants the college "free to be me" experience.

[Jmal1994]

I agree with what you're saying, she seems to be trying to make me feel better, to accept the break up and move on to someone else, but the fact that she is repeatedly acting negative on social media, and she says when she is at home, she doesn't do anything she used to eg. Bake, draw...even saying it would kill her to see me with someone else seems a bit far-fetched for someone who wants the 'college life'

 

Again perhaps I staunchly in denial about it all, grasping at what ever I can to salvage hope, it just seems, compared to other threads, a more promising situation

 

I must add though, she was never involved with him before, they were good college friends, she would always stay round mine, or me at hers, but I see that, if she isn't seeing him now, she may have realised what she lost, but is too scared to go through everything again, I don't know

 

I could cut ties and forget about her, perhaps pass up the opportunity to get back with someone I love, the risk being slight heartbreak if all fails- 'you miss 100% of the shots you don't take' -Wayne Gretzky

[mhowe]

Well --- since she doesn't want to get back with you ---- you don't have a puck to take the shot.

[cbh1979]

Has she ever indicated in your correspondence since that she wanted to get back together? And do you know why she's not seeing the other guy anymore? Could it be that her negative social media posts, and her regret, are tied more to what happened with that, versus the relationship with you? What would be preventing her from asking to get back together? She knows how you feel, right?

 

Frankly, I'm not sure all the contact is all that good for you now, because you do appear to be reading a lot into things like simple tweets. She seems to want to keep you around for some modicum of support, but I'm not sure that's fair to you given that you want more.

[Jmal1994]

She has not said directly that she wants to get back with me, in fact, now you mention it, she said 'i can't be with you knowing how much I hurt you, I still haven't forgiven myself'

 

I may have been presumptuous about her not seeing the other guy- I just thought that by putting negative things on social media, it was clear that she wouldn't be negative if she was courting another guy. I believe the tweets are about me, because they are put on there whilst we are talking.

 

She does know how I feel, I didn't beg or plead for her to take me back, but I said that love deserves second chances, but that has to be accepted by both, I said that although wounds are painful, they turn to scars, and the pain dies, you forget the scar is ever there, but I never asked her to take me back, she is scared of hurting me again, an easy way out perhaps, but she still initiates contact with me, mixed signals are a killer

[chamachama]

Stop with the social media. Delete, defriend...and no more contact (if you actually want to feel better again one day). Just because she didn't get hurt bad enough by things ending with you to delete pics of you doesn't mean that you should be hurting yourself by continuing the connection and pouring over social media and her pics. Most likely she still has your pics on there because she thinks "hey, we had good experiences and I'm not hurting that much by having them up there so I'll keep them for now..." In other words, whatever you are thinking in your mind is a false rationalization based on you being in denial of what reality actually is.... she doesn't want to get back with you. And she wants you to move on so she feels better about what she did, what she is doing, and what she will do... with other men.

[cbh1979]

OK, the 'I can't be with you knowing how much I hurt you' line is pretty lame, imo. It's meant to make you feel sorry for HER, while at the same time letting you know that she doesn't want to get back together. The social media postings are apparently designed to just keep you hooked, keep you wondering, especially if she still might be seeing the other dude.

 

I think ceasing contact is best at this point.

[chamachama]

'I can't be with you knowing how much I hurt you'

 

Translation: I am too much of a coward to tell you straight up that I don't want to be your girlfriend. And if were your girlfriend, I would cheat on you again. And I don't want to feel bad about being f'ed by another man again while I'm with you, again. So please move on, there is no future here.