ghoulgrrrl Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 I am on my first week of NC with my ex. He dumped me just over a week ago, I would call it a blind side. The week before, of course, I thought we were totally fine, on the right track, and as the usual, he sounded very serious when he would say how much he loved me, and how he was falling for me. I only told him I loved he very much as well. Then one week after, he says he does not consider this a relationship, his reason being (or excuse), we only see each other once a week lately due to our schedules, he feels down during the time we are not together, he didn't like the wait in between not seeing each other, mentioning that its neither of us, its our situation, of course wanting a break, seeing me as a amazing friend, he really cared about me, wanting to be friends. I asked him what do you want to do? and he said that he did not want a relationship and to break up... I feel into shock, with the surprise of this.. I didn't really get to talk about it like he wanted to because I felt like he triggered a fear inside and I ended up leaving his house, with leaving things pretty much in the air... I want to say that, I know I put myself into this situation and I have come to a realization and acceptance of everything, after being dumped and then initiating NC (I just did it, I didn't let him know I wasn't contacting him for 30 days), and I am dealing with it as of right now. Looking back, I looked over a few red flags and maybe even some deal breakers, therefore, I know that playing the victim and self sabotaging will not get me anywhere, and I accept that he does not feel the same, nor do I plan on getting him back. Brief summary; We were together just about over two weeks and six months together. I was his first gf, and he was my second bf, I am 22 and he is 20. During our time together his parents became separated, and he has grown up with his sister in her relationships, (most of them being really long distance relationships). Learning from my last relationship, this time I took things slow, I gave him space, I went with the flow, I didn't pressure him, I told him that I was not looking for an outcome from this..I took every advice from friends and family this time because I didn't want anything to go wrong again... Later into the relationship, he would be the one initiating all the 'talks', the first one to say 'I love you' etc.. I felt like we were really connecting.. After, he dumped me, I felt more hurt than sad, from feeling like I lost my bestfriend just like that, feeling like everything was a lie, etc, etc,. The day after I texted him asking for my cd back that I left, he agreed, but later I regretted even texting him and told him to forget I even texted him. I went into full no contact after that. I realized that I keep accepting guys who are not ready of course, not being emotional mature enough to deal with reality of a relationship, not just the idea at first of one. Since the last time I was dumped, itwas pretty much the same excuse, and I am seeing the pattern now.. In the end, I could blame him for everything, hate him, or call him a , but I will not, and I know it will get me no where. I accepted that he was not in love with me and but I was with him, and he did not feel the same way, that he was not ready, and that it is over. I guess my advice would be am I on the right track? Since, things were left in the air, I was planning on contacting him (after my no contact to heal myself completely) just to leave on good terms; meaning I want to do this for myself, I wanted just leave a short message asking to maybe meetup after there was time between us or to just leave the message just saying that. (I know he doesn't owe me anything and I don't owe him, and it will not be for reconciliation or to get him back, or course. It would just be to be understanding that I do not hate him for this experience and I understand that it will not work out between us). Would this be a good thing to do? Thanks. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 Why bother? Does a best friend treat another this way. You cannot be friends with someone you have feelings for. Learn from this and stay NC. There is really no reason to revisit this I think you're on track as far as who you are attracted to. if this is a pattern, clearly you are avoiding red flags early on. Link to comment
Xylitol Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 I don't think you are on the right track, i mean the problem is in your choices. You are choosing the wrong guys, you should choose a guy that is mature enough en ready for you to be in a fully committed relationship, and you need to make sure you have time enough to invest in a relationship. It sounds like he was really lonely, and he must even be more lonely with his parents breaking up. Being alone and having no support must not have had a good effect on him, i can't imagine how it could. If you can talk to him to get closure it would be better for your heart, but don't put any expectations on anything is my advice. Link to comment
ghoulgrrrl Posted March 21, 2015 Author Share Posted March 21, 2015 Thanks for your help, and yes I am now seeing the pattern, since it has happened twice. I did not expect too much and so yeah This is what I get for accepting that. Link to comment
ghoulgrrrl Posted March 21, 2015 Author Share Posted March 21, 2015 I don't think you are on the right track, i mean the problem is in your choices. You are choosing the wrong guys, you should choose a guy that is mature enough en ready for you to be in a fully committed relationship, and you need to make sure you have time enough to invest in a relationship. It sounds like he was really lonely, and he must even be more lonely with his parents breaking up. Being alone and having no support must not have had a good effect on him, i can't imagine how it could. If you can talk to him to get closure it would be better for your heart, but don't put any expectations on anything is my advice. I forgot to add that I would always support him through his hard times with his family, by making him feel better and giving advice. But, yeah this experience will help me in the future. And correct I am not expecting anything if I do decided to contact him after. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 I forgot to add that I would always support him through his hard times with his family, by making him feel better and giving advice. But, yeah this experience will help me in the future. And correct I am not expecting anything if I do decided to contact him after. Why? You're not his counselor. be more concerned with your own well being, Link to comment
ghoulgrrrl Posted March 22, 2015 Author Share Posted March 22, 2015 Why? You're not his counselor. be more concerned with your own well being, true. I'll leave it alone. I asked a stupid question and had a stupid idea. silly me. its not he ever cared either. Thanks Hollyj Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 true. I'll leave it alone. I asked a stupid question and had a stupid idea. silly me. its not he ever cared either. Thanks Hollyj Yes! By contacting, you're setting yourself up for more problems. Hon, work on your own issues. Understand that that you are attracted to these types because ypu are also emotionally unavailable . Check out link removed. Helped me change my bad patterns . Link to comment
ghoulgrrrl Posted March 22, 2015 Author Share Posted March 22, 2015 Yes! By contacting, you're setting yourself up for more problems. Hon, work on your own issues. Understand that that you are attracted to these types because ypu are also emotionally unavailable . Check out link removed. Helped me change my bad patterns . Indeed. What was I even thinking....hah Link to comment
catfeeder Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 I realized that I keep accepting guys who are not ready of course, not being emotional mature enough to deal with reality of a relationship, not just the idea at first of one. Since the last time I was dumped, itwas pretty much the same excuse, and I am seeing the pattern now.. You see a similarity in the two breakups, but what is your age, what were their ages, and have you factored that into the outcome? Ages 18 through 26 are high-volatility in terms of bonding, intensity and flaming out after things settle into normalcy. So I'd consider less a pattern in outcomes and look closely instead at any similarities in where these guys were in their career and social development, their living situations--with parents or on their own, their past relationship history, and their pace at bonding and bringing sex into the equation. You're likely to find that nobody has done anything 'wrong,' but rather that most people are NOT our lifetime match, and the more resilient you can become in viewing relationships that don't last into marriage as testing grounds and learning experiences, the more you will be able to recognize your wants and needs as valid and your mistakes as natural and nothing that would have broken up any relationship that was truly a 'meant to be' deal. This is important in building confidence rather than shaking it, because trusting yourself to be on solid ground when dating will aid you in allowing wrong matches to pass early, and yourself as always one step closer to finding the RIGHT match someday. Head high, and write more if it helps. Link to comment
Sarah691607309662 Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 Honey, you are very young! Before you find your future husband there will be other men and each one of them will teach you a lesson about yourself. This is the time for you to explore. My advice would be - do not listen too hard and too much to other people advice. Test it yourself. It is YOUR time in life and the only one when you can do whatever YOU want and figure out your own wisdom. There are no mistakes really in how to conduct r/s. There are just things that work with one and does not work with another. What really matters is to be a kind and true to yourself individual with a curious mind, warm and fearless heart. You will never be able to know whether he truly loved you, or idea of you...we just do not have this ability to know feelings of another that well. I bet he himself does not know what he felt. And that is pretty normal actually. It takes years and years of life and r/s to learn to understand your own feelings. Some people does not learn it at all. You made a decision for yourself and he made a decision for himself. I think it is a very healthy break up. Though I told you do not listen to advice, I'd say - idea of giving him a closure after a month will lose it's importance after the month. I have been there myself and when I am fresh from break up there are so many things that I would like to say, to explain, to confront, to clear, to let him know, to settle.... And it is a good idea to rehearse this inner dialogue that you are going to have with your ex.... it is therapeutic. However, I would advice - write it all on a piece of paper. Pour all your heart out, do not worry about the style, just say everything that causes pain, cry and then read it out loud and burn it. It is VERY cathartic. There is a belief that the one to whom such a letter was addressed will receive this message on energetic level. Keep doing it every now and then, maybe every day while your heart is heavy. It is like peeling the onion. This work really helps you t heal. And focus on your health. Boost your routine with reliable and healthy habits. Take a walk every day. Or sign up to some sport studio, do yoga every day. It is a great way to heal your heart and body. And if you will keep flushing your pain through the letters that you send into a fire and healing your body through moving mediation, in a month you will have peace in your heart and detachment and you will see the whole situation and it's meaning differently. Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 Honey, he's only 20 years old! Let me translate this for you, how a 20 year old boy thinks: >>he says he does not consider this a relationship, his reason being we only see each other once a week lately due to our schedules 'I'm not getting banged enough and I'm tied down and can't bang anyone else because she wants to be my GF. Harsh!' >>he feels down during the time we are not together 'I'm horny all the time because I'm tied down and not getting banged enough, and i saw this really hot girl today and can't bang her because I've got a GF.' >>he didn't like the wait in between not seeing each other 'I'm always frustrated because I'm not getting banged enough.' >> seeing me as a amazing friend, he really cared about me, wanting to be friends. 'If i break up with her, I can bang anybody I please, anytime I please, and maybe she'll still let me bang her now and again in a FWB thing. He's 20 years old and you're his first GF. Now that he's got the virginity thing taken care of by you, he's suddenly realizing there is a whole big wide world of girls out there, waiting to be banged, and all the time (or so he envisions it). In his mind, you're cramping his style, and there's a great big bangable universe of women out there that he fantasizes will be ever ready to oblige him. He's a baby. Don't expect him to think like a grown man who wants to settle down with one woman. He's too young for a permanent commitment. And a total horn dog because of his age. Link to comment
ghoulgrrrl Posted March 22, 2015 Author Share Posted March 22, 2015 Yes, this is also what I realized it was actually our situations at the time. This is why I am no longer using anger with anger, and instead I am thanking my ex's. I am seeing the reflection of my actual fears being played out from them, which is why I want to continue focusing on myself and wanting to attract what I want from the universe, and learning from that. Using the breakups as a breakthrough for me. The old me is gone thanks to these experiences. Link to comment
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