Friend of mine is being played - what to do?

[Lucha]

Hey guys, thought I'd ask advice for a friend of mine because I sure don't know what to tell her to do!

 

She is recently out of the closet into the gay dating scene, and already met a girl. This girl and her had great attraction at instant and soon they developed some kind of romance. My friend described it as very romantic, passionate, with poems and love songs etc etc... But after two months of perfect butterflies the girl heard something about her ex and she totally withdrew her affection, now saying that my friend shouldn't be waiting around for her, that she warned her in advance she wasn't over her ex yet,.... My friend is devastated and nothing I say seems to comfort her - I've said that love shouldn't feel like that and that she cannot mess around with her feelings like that. Other than that I don't know what else to say. She is inconsolable.

 

Any words of advice?

 

Side note: this is really about a friend as I myself am currently not dating ;-)

 

 

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[Hollyj]

How is she being played? Seems this other girl has been honest with her: told her she wasn't over her ex. I've learned from my own experience to not get involved with people that are not over their ex.

 

Love can be very painful.

[SpottiOtti]

It sucks when we can't fix it for people we care about! Unfortunately there are no words you can say that will make this hurt less for your friend. She just has to go through this and find her own kind of peace with it. Just keep being there for her when she needs to vent, just listen, that's all you can do.

[Misskitty16]

I agree with the others - she will just need to ride the hurt out, unfortunately. I don't think the fact that it was a gay relationship makes any difference. Pain is pain....and it sucks.

[catfeeder]

You can't take someone's pain away, and attempts to do so will come off as annoying and dismissive--so let her drive her own car.

 

If she specifically asks for advice--as opposed to venting, which just means listen--I'd suggest that the lesson to take from this is to avoid messing with anyone who's fresh out of a breakup. Setting yourself up as a rebound is like walking into a propeller blade, and this applies to gays and straights alike.

 

If friend is likely to see ex around in social circles, she can adopt a convenient case of amnesia about their past together and be as civil as she would be to a stranger--and nothing more.

 

She's lucky to have you as a caring friend.

[chickadeedee]

Well, to be honest, if someone was writing me poems and love songs when dating less than 2 months, it would make me very uncomfortable because that is all about infatuation and not really knowing the person at all when you've only been together that long.

 

And she was warned the girl wasn't over her ex.

 

So this is a painful lesson for her. It was a nice interlude, but too much too soon, and next time she needs to take her time and not let her expectations get so high.

 

And you can't fix another person's feelings. So she will have ot work thru this herself and try not to dramatize too much. I'd remind her that it was only 2 months out of her life, and she wsa fine 2 months ago before this started and will be fine again once she has some time to lick her wounds. At this point she should just be trying to keep busy and distract herself and give herself time to process it. And next time don't take anything that seriously that is only a couple months along, especially when she has been warned the woman isn't over an ex or is not serious.

 

Personally, if someone tells me they are not over their ex, my response is, 'then call me when you are.' Because it is always a huge risk and usually ends badly to try to have a relationship with someone who is still bonded emotionally with someone else.