Unusual Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 I've been here for weeks reading other posts and the advice that's been given. I thought I would share my story with you all. I'm turning 29 on Friday, my boyfriend just turned 31. We have been together since I was 14. We started off seeing each other only on weekends. Once I turned 17 and graduated high school we moved out together. At a very young age we were very different then those around us. Both graduating early, him at just 16. We both started working before getting out of HS and had very good paying jobs. Nonetheless we now have a mortgage have paid off cars and have 2 dogs. I love him, he's my best friend but I'm not in love anymore and I'm sooooooo bored with the same old routine. I've never really been very sexual and I feel he's just dealt with that. The last few years its become more of a chore. This is going to sound horrible but I almost cringe when he touches me. We are successful and that's about it. We've grown up together but anymore we have nothing in common and we never really did. I can't imagine him not in my life but I can't go another year or hell another day feeling like this. I've always felt something was missing from my life or like I've missed out on experiences that most people have. We don't travel and that's something I long to do. He really has no interest in that. Any time it brought up I'm told to plan it but he always has something negative to say so I just don't bother. We don't have many mutual friends as we are both homebodies. The only things we really do together are go out to dinner. Usually the same place every Friday or Saturday. We've had our issues, ups and downs like most couples. Neither of us has cheated, well at least not that I know of. I'm pretty confident in that. I'm just at a point where I don't know what to do. He is my best friend and I can't imagine him not in my life but I can't imagine spending the rest of my life like this either. Do people really just grow apart? Am I setting myself up for the biggest mistake of my life? I'm terrified of making a mistake and crushing him. Sorry I know this is scattered and all over the place. I've never posted anything like this. Any and all advice is appreciated. Link to comment
Valken Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Why not trying spicing up your routine a little bit? This doesn't have to be sexual...just daily stuff and dates. Instead of just going out for food, try something different and if you do go out for food, make sure to always try somewhere new! For my girlfriend on New Years, I made a little thing to ensure we spent time together, kept our relationship fresh and got to try new things. I made an envelope for each month and inside, was a letter detailing a planned activity for that month. Nothing was repeated and tried to think of as much new stuff to do as possible; some required money, some required just being at home. I had everything from going skating, ziplining, going to a hockey game, making tie die shirts, going out some where and renting a cabin during the summer - anything really! My personal favourite she has yet to open; each of you buy an outfit for one another and youre not allowed to see it until the night of the date and then you go out to supper to a never tried restaurant. Link to comment
BrianH46 Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Your relationship is too far gone (btw Valken I feel your girlfriend is experiencing something similar as the OP) imo and I think it would be better off if you leave. However only do so once you have enough conviction to understand that this would mean losing him forever and still be able to make that decision. None of that "I can't imagine not having him in my life" because that is the only way to leave behind what you are feeling now. Link to comment
Unusual Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 Thank you. I understand that but it's sooooo hard. In my perfect world we remain friends but I know that's selfish and will probably only make it worse. And if I cant come to the realization, then what? Stay with these horrible feelings? Link to comment
Unusual Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 Barely know? I've spent 15 years of my life with him, pretty sure I KNOW him. Yes I had a life, as a high school student living at home. Things are very much different now. I know I'll have a life after this as well. Link to comment
BrianH46 Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Thank you. I understand that but it's sooooo hard. In my perfect world we remain friends but I know that's selfish and will probably only make it worse. And if I cant come to the realization, then what? Stay with these horrible feelings? Staying is impossible if it has gotten to the point where his touch makes you cringe. By the way how long have you felt this way and have you spoken to him about how you are feeling? There exists two main conflicting feelings: your love for him as a person vs. your want for something else. The only way you can proceed in either direction is when you can give up one or the other. Otherwise you would end up half-assing either option and end up in a pretty bad place. Link to comment
Lady Amalthea Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 And if I cant come to the realization, then what? Stay with these horrible feelings? Staying with these horrible feelings would be destroying yourself. If you are still unsure, try spicing things up with him, joining activities together and changing up your routine. I strongly advise that you go on a trip, by yourself! If you have that longing for travel, and he definitely doesn't, there really is no law dictating that you have to tag him along. You can invite a friend, or travel by yourself, it's very invigorating. Also, some time apart will give you both insight into your relationship. If you believe you have tried it all, it's really not fair (to yourself or him) to keep the charade going. He might be going through the same feelings too, but doesn't have the courage to say so. But as Brian above said, you need to be convinced there's nothing else you can do for the relationship since after such a long time together, I find it hard to believe you guys can stay as friends, and you are probably going to lose him forever. Good luck. Link to comment
Unusual Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 We've had many conversations about how I feel. He thinks I need a hobby and nobody stops me from doing whatever I want. He also tells me the passion and spark in every relationship eventually fades. I've gotten a hobby and that has only made it worse. I've felt like since about September. it's been a constant thought in my mind every day. I know I've felt this way before it just normally passes. This time it hasn't. You are exactly right, as I am half assing my situation and am in a very bad place Link to comment
Unusual Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 I've gone on trips without him and it's fine. We survived but I always come back feeling on edge like I've upset him. And sometimes yes he is upset. I know we miss each other when we are apart. Hell he misses me if I gone all day. It's just hard. But thank you for the advice. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 You have been together many years. People change. Do both of you a favor, end the relationship. Not fair to either of you. There is a possibility that with time, you can be friends. it kind of sounds like a platonic relationship, as it is. Link to comment
Lady Amalthea Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 You sound desperate. To have this on your mind every day for months is not healthy for you. I think you need to leave. Link to comment
BrianH46 Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 We've had many conversations about how I feel. He thinks I need a hobby and nobody stops me from doing whatever I want. He also tells me the passion and spark in every relationship eventually fades. I've gotten a hobby and that has only made it worse. I've felt like since about September. it's been a constant thought in my mind every day. I know I've felt this way before it just normally passes. This time it hasn't. You are exactly right, as I am half assing my situation and am in a very bad place Chin up. What you are going through is extremely difficult, I can't even begin to imagine it. Your husband is right, the spark and passion in every relationship will die. However that is only true if left unattended and in this case I believe that your relationship has long been over (from what you have written). Only you know if what you are feeling is GIGS or the undeniable truth. You need to convince your husband of the severity of what you are feeling, if he is responding with "you need a hobby" then either you two are bad at communicating or he just doesn't grasp it. Make him understand. These conversations will be key to figuring out what it is that you want to do wholeheartedly. Link to comment
christwowheels Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 It's not fair to him to string this along forever. You mentioned that the sex has declined to a trickle and that he tolerates this...that's not fair to him, you know? He deserves to have a chance to find a woman who *wants* him to touch her, and that wants a frequency of intimacy that's more in line with his own needs. You deserve to see the possibilities in life as opposed to the limitations. It's good that you've had some stability, but that has come at a heavy price and I hope you don't allow yourself to end up in a permanent rut. It's possible that you could make some progress on the relationship by telling him where you're at, but honestly I wouldn't want a woman putting herself through letting me touch her if it made her feel so icky. Tell him that he's a good man but that you need something more and that he does too, and then hopefully you can go about the process of amicably splitting up the property you two have. Link to comment
misstee95023 Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Please make sure this is what you want because once you leave it will never be the same. When things get routine a relationship can seem boring why not tell him how you are feeling? Good luck I am sure whatever decision you make will be the best for you both Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Link to comment
midnight_orchid Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Chin up. What you are going through is extremely difficult, I can't even begin to imagine it. Your husband is right, the spark and passion in every relationship will die. However that is only true if left unattended and in this case I believe that your relationship has long been over (from what you have written). Only you know if what you are feeling is GIGS or the undeniable truth. You need to convince your husband of the severity of what you are feeling, if he is responding with "you need a hobby" then either you two are bad at communicating or he just doesn't grasp it. Make him understand. These conversations will be key to figuring out what it is that you want to do wholeheartedly. I'm going through a similar situation as OP, myself. How does one know if it's GIGS or the undeniable truth? Link to comment
amila Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 You are 29 and have found a great guy ,why loose that? its hard as it is,i mean at 29 why dont you get children? your relationship is supposed to go to a new stage Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Terrible idea to "get children"!! How is having children supposed to help? Link to comment
amila Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Terrible idea to "get children"!! How is having children supposed to help? they have been together fpr 15 years,a relationship is supposed to get through different stages.After 15 years,they are still ok,,just bored. Link to comment
intheferns Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 No no no NO! Do not have a child right now. I had no idea my husband was seriously depressed and had checked out of our relationship when I got pregnant. I am now single with an 11 month old. Fix your relationship then figure out if you want babies. Relationships need to be nurtured otherwise they fall apart. It doesn't sound like you guys are actively nurturing yours and it's been coasting along losing momentum. Start talking to him and let him know you're unhappy and what you need from him. Are you prepared to work hard to make your relationship better? Is he? If there is a No to either of those then it's time to separate. Link to comment
Unusual Posted March 21, 2015 Author Share Posted March 21, 2015 Having a child is the LAST thing on my mind, it's actually not even a thought. That is the worst idea ever. I don't know if I want to do the work. I just don't see this ever being different. We had a big blow up Thursday night which carried into Friday. It just so happened to be my birthday so that was just great. Even today he's tried acting like everything is fine. I slept on the couch. We've hardly spoken today. But before he leaves to go golf, he says "how am I supposed to play while thinking about all this". Link to comment
Mfic99 Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 Having a child is the LAST thing on my mind, it's actually not even a thought. That is the worst idea ever. I don't know if I want to do the work. I just don't see this ever being different. We had a big blow up Thursday night which carried into Friday. It just so happened to be my birthday so that was just great. Even today he's tried acting like everything is fine. I slept on the couch. We've hardly spoken today. But before he leaves to go golf, he says "how am I supposed to play while thinking about all this". I find it hard that you have been very clear to him. He either doesn't get it or you have not been clear. You no longer want to try, so time to let him go and you go find what you need. No spicing it up, that will not work, you are no longer sexually attracted to him. It's over when that happens Link to comment
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