Bisexual, not totally satisfied in heterosexual relationship

[Moonshine157]

I understand this is a fairly common issue but talking through it may help me to gain clarity!

 

I'm female and in my mid twenties. I identify as bisexual. I have had sexual experiences with men, including relationships lasting 2 years +. With women I have had shorter term relationships and less frequent sexual experiences. However, I am generally more intensely attracted to women. The reason for these differences I think just comes down to individual differences in the people I dated, rather than any gender related difference.

 

I have been with my current boyfriend for about 4 months. He is a wonderful man and I feel that we are an excellent match, on the same wavelength in so many ways, and there is a strong physical attraction. It's a great relationship and most of the time I am very happy. However, I find myself desiring intimacy with women and despise myself for it as I am afraid it will destroy a blossoming relationship.

 

Fantasising whilst trying to "keep things in perspective", in that sense that I will always have this struggle of attraction for another gender to that I am with, used to keep things in check. It's bothering me increasingly recently though to the point where I started to cry when my imagination got going. I never fantasize about other men.

 

I know the only real answer is to "suck it up", but any advice or experiences from others who may have been in this situation themselves would be useful to hear about.

[mhowe]

Sexual orientation/identification is less the issue here. It wouldn't matter if you were straight or gay. The issue is one of not acting on the desire to be with other people.

 

At 4 months is usually when a relationship makes/breaks and continues or not. It could be that while he seems perfectly good...the attraction is simply beginning to wane and this is not a partnership that was meant for the long haul.

[rosephase]

Have you thought about polyamory? Or having a monogmish type relationship? Have you talked to your new boyfriend about maybe dating women or having another woman join you in bed?

 

You don't have to give up one to have the other you just have to be willing to work hard, have hard conversastions and find the right kind of partners. I thnk you should sit down and talk to your boyfriend about your desires and see what he has to say. I think you can be bi and monogmous. But it sounds like either you aren't, or this guy isn't the right person for you.

[ThatwasThen]

Does he know that you are bi-sexual and that you are craving the intimacy with a woman? If he doesn't then that's a real problem because he's gone into the relationship not really knowing who he has fallen for. If he does know and you've discussed your desire to be with women, then would he be open to MFF threesomes... did you discuss monogamy vs polyamory before advancing your relationship and if so what was his stance on that?

 

Adding: The poster above me and I were posting at the same time and have had similar thoughts on this. I think the key words there are "you just have to find the right partner" and you'll never do that if you don't get it out in the open from the beginning and before you move the relationship along.

[Antago]

You definitely need to be open and honest about these things, especially at 4 months—before you really hurt someone. You always need to take things slow, and sleep with someone muuuuch further down the road so that you aren't living in secret and destroying someone's trust in the world. When it comes to gender, unless you want polygamy, you have to find someone and stick with it; no matter who you choose—there will always be the possibility to fantasize of something different, whether it's male, female, race, height, face, personality, species, or what have you ... Monogamy and love are a dedicated choice we make when we realize that it is our moral obligation and self who creates and embodies loyalty, passion, love, and intimacy; you must be gracious for it and allow the compromise to make the relationship even spicier—i.e. the fact that you have been dominated/bound to another person. The cravings we feel for others in relationships should add to our monogamy—it shouldn't detract from it; you live in a culture that does not allow you to see this, because a percentage is degenerate and capitalistic, and committed to its own convictions of objectification as if it's a triumph. Everything is about some psycho's ability to "taste-test and destroy". Pick something, stick with something, and respect the boundaries. Right now you are mistaking love for superficiality ... You really need to find out which gender you want in love by doing looong soul-searching, not by steamrolling through other people by creating and jumping out of relationships to "get your fill and find yourself". That is a very selfish perspective, so avoid it.

 

A friend of mine really found a happy medium with a cross-dressing man.

[toby17]

If you're actually desiring intimacy with women while you're in a committed relationship, then I don't think this relationship (of which sex is a component), is as fulfilling as you think.

 

But also being bi suggests that you can be equally satisfied in relationships with men as women but maybe you also need to determine if you're really more gay than bi.

 

I'm a lesbian - I could sleep with a guy (they can be mildly attractive) but being able to and wanting to and wanting to have a relationship are all different things.

[regular joe]

I'm female and in my mid twenties. I identify as bisexual. I have had sexual experiences with men, including relationships lasting 2 years +. With women I have had shorter term relationships and less frequent sexual experiences. However, I am generally more intensely attracted to women.

.

 

Maybe your issue is lean more towards gay than bi on the scale. You may be more interested in having a relationship with a woman with some penis thrown in now and then. More than you are of having a relationship with a man and a occasional side of vagina.