My insecurities are back... I thought I had this!!

[MisUnderstood9]

I was doing so well! I thought I had my insecurities all figured out and was taken pretty good control of them. I wasnt letting them get to me or take control of me for over the last year and a half. I was proud of myself! But, yesterday I let them take control for some stupid reason.

 

Ive gained some weight, about 15-20 extra pounds. Due to that I feel like crap, I feel like I just look like a cow in everything I wear and I am just sexually unappealling. My fiance and I's sex life has been kinda fo dwindling lately due to me changing birth controls and our fear of getting pregnant, so we've turned back to using condoms which we havent used in probably over 3 years.

 

Ive been working out regularly and started eating well again. But yesterday I tried to initiate some physical intimacy with my fiance and I felt like I was completely rejected and ignored that I was tried to do anything and I freaked out. Now, we're in a massive fight. I basically straight up asked him if he is sleeping with someone else and doesnt want to be with me anymore because we've only have had sex 5 times since January, which is completely unlike us. He was baffled by my accusation and I explained to him why I think this and he basically called me insane. (which I probably am a little bit).

 

But, how else am I supposed to think?? He went from wanting me all the time to basically not wanting me at all. I dont know if its because we have to use condoms and thats why sex doesnt seem appealing to him.. Like other than our sex dwindling to almost nothing, nothing else has really changed at all in the relationship so maybe I am insane... I have apologized for accusing him (I honestly know in my heart he'd never cheat on me) but he is still pissed, which I dont blame him but at the same time he doesnt get why I am so upset and would think it in the first place... is this a stupid reason to accuse someone? If you went from 2-3 times a week to maybe one or twice a month would you not be worried if somethings going on..

[DancingFool]

Somehow you need to teach yourself to understand that "he must be cheating" is the least likely reason for a problem.

 

Yes, accusing him of cheating was an incredibly wrong way of approaching the problem. Not at all surprising that he is angry and completely insulted. You need to first and foremost very sincerely apologize to him about your behavior. Give him some time to get over it. Then ask him nicely if there is anything going because there seems to a huge drop off in interest in sex. Instead of accusing him of something, express concern. Ask if he is stressed over something. In short, invite a conversation and then LISTEN. Don't turn this into a fight and flying accusations.

[Edmund Exley]

I've dealt with similar issues with a partner. You say "he doesnt get why I am so upset and would think it in the first place", but you don't get what a huge insult saying that is to a loyal and honorable person. Its a lame excuse to pin on someone. And whether you believe he would or not doesn't make it better.

 

Dancing Fool makes a good point. If you are able to open this for discussion, make sure you are ready to have an honest conversation and not turn it into false accusations stemming from your wounded ego.

[ThatwasThen]

How long have you two been together? You know that if you're not still flirting with one another and having regular date nights out like you did when you first started to date then the mental stimulation won't be there for either of you and when that isn't there then the libido slows down.

 

Also... when the new relationship energy wanes (which it always does as time together wears on) then so does the need so that is why a couple needs to keep doing all the things they used to do to stimulate the mind and thus the libido.

 

When is the last time the two of you flirted? The last time you went out on a date? The last time you went away for an over-nighter or even just turned off the t.v. and played a board game together for that matter or poured yourselves a nice glass of wine and just listened to your favourite music while shooting the breeze about nothing? I think you need to get back that stuff (non sexual stimulation) before you'll get back the other kind of stimulation.

 

Taking one another for granted is not horny-making in the least.

[MisUnderstood9]

Somehow you need to teach yourself to understand that "he must be cheating" is the least likely reason for a problem.

 

Yes, accusing him of cheating was an incredibly wrong way of approaching the problem. Not at all surprising that he is angry and completely insulted. You need to first and foremost very sincerely apologize to him about your behavior. Give him some time to get over it. Then ask him nicely if there is anything going because there seems to a huge drop off in interest in sex. Instead of accusing him of something, express concern. Ask if he is stressed over something. In short, invite a conversation and then LISTEN. Don't turn this into a fight and flying accusations.

 

I see your point and yes I do think that I just jumped to the first thought that came to my head. I have sincerely apologized all day. Im at the point now that I literally have nothing else to say.

[IAmFCA]

Even when there is a significant event, such as cheating, use the same approach.

 

Insecurities that we are learning to grow past will come back to us in waves, such that we feel insecure every time we reveal a new layer of ourselves to someone else.

 

Every time it pops up, talk yourself through it before reacting. Reactions that are a result of you feeling insecure are your responsibility to resolve. Reactions that are the result of something happening between you are what you raise up for discussion.

 

Consider this: assuming that a relationship problem is the result of the other person acting badly is a way of making every issue about you. Show that you are on the same team by ASSUMING your SO wants your relationship to work well and welcomes the opportunity to make it better.

 

The point of discussion ALWAYS is to seek understanding. As you gain understanding, it is up to you, privately, to process the new information and decide what to do with it.

[MisUnderstood9]

we've been together 4 1/2 years. Everything was great until November when I changed my birth control from the IUD to the pill. Getting back on track of remembering to take the stupid thing every day has lead us to go back to using condoms to make sure we dont have an accidental pregnancy. We were still having sex regularly like we normally would and then come January its decreased massively and because of it I have been feeling rejected and unwanted. When he did it again last night I just snapped and the accusation was the first thing that came out of my mouth. I felt bad the moment it came out but its been 3 months of built sexual frustrations mixed with feelings of being unwanted and rejected, it was hard to keep in.

 

We flirt quite a bit still, I have a 5 year old so we don't get a date night very often but, we make our own little date nights when we are able too. like I said in the reply to DancingFool... ive apologized so much and have explained my side so much and its doing nothing and I literally have no idea what else to say.

[ThatwasThen]

Don't say anything more about it. End the conversation completely because there is nothing else you can say if you've apologized and explained. To bring it up again will be considered nagging and angst inducing not only for him, but for you as well.

 

Just be your fun and angst free self and make a romantic date just for the two of you but don't have any expectations that it will lead to the two of you having sex. Flirt during the date, make it known that you are excited to be with him, dress up so that you feel sexy and just enjoy. If you can stimulate your non sexual intimacy then the sexual intimacy will follow more times then not... remember though, no expectations... just build the fire and enjoy the heat.

[IAmFCA]

If you have made yourself clear with apology, that is part 1 of the conversation. Have you been able to learn anymore about him, whether the sexual aspect of your relationship is satisfying for him at this time, whether he has thoughts about this? Was changing from IUD to pill a decision that surprised him or that he disagreed with (whether it was his business to agree or not)?

 

If you made a choice as is your right to make that change over his dissent, then it also is your responsibility to be disciplined with the new habit. Maybe he has real anxiety now, because he is newly dependent on you to prevent pregnancy. Maybe that has introduced a new imbalance.

 

Are you both equally motivated to prevent pregnancy?

[mhowe]

Put your BC pills next to your tooth brush. You brush your teeth every morning...taking a pill is not that hard to remember if it is a priority to prevent pregnancy. It could be that his trust in you remembering to take it has decreased his libido.

[MisUnderstood9]

If you have made yourself clear with apology, that is part 1 of the conversation. Have you been able to learn anymore about him, whether the sexual aspect of your relationship is satisfying for him at this time, whether he has thoughts about this? Was changing from IUD to pill a decision that surprised him or that he disagreed with (whether it was his business to agree or not)?

 

If you made a choice as is your right to make that change over his dissent, then it also is your responsibility to be disciplined with the new habit. Maybe he has real anxiety now, because he is newly dependent on you to prevent pregnancy. Maybe that has introduced a new imbalance.

 

Are you both equally motivated to prevent pregnancy?

 

The choice wasnt really given to either of us, my physician told it needed to come out due to to many UTI's and causing abnormal pap results. She advised me to remove it so she could see if the IUD was a cause to the abnormal paps and the UTIs. I am still waiting for the results of my second pap, the first one after removal was normal but she wanted a second one just incase it was a fluke I'd personally would rather have the IUD. I am horrible at remember to take pills of any kind so I'd rather have an IUD. IF the second pap comes back fine I am going to ask if i can have another one put back in. The one I had was over 5 years old anyways, so it could of been time to be removed.

 

We have both agreed, no more children. I dont want anymore -- my son is enough and he loves my son as his own and we have agreed no more babies, but we are to young for me to get my tubs tied or for him to get a vasectomy so we are kind limited on what can be done. I dont know. I just want him to see it from my point of view as to why I would think the way I did last night, it was mostly just out of frustration and irritation of being rejected after so many times but, he just mad that it was my first thought and nothing else.

 

Oh well, guess I'll be going home to silence for how ever long, I'm not bringing up anymore. I already feel bad enough I dont want to continue to feel like crap.

[mhowe]

It would have been easier to explain your frustration than to accuse him of cheating. You questioned his integrity because you are frustrated. That is a huge flag that he damn well should be taking notice of and taking a step back.

 

And you truly seem to think he should accept your reasoning. Which is...unreasonable!

 

Its like him coming home to find your son crying and calling children's services! It is not even close to a logical thought process...and you would be bullcrapped to have him over react and call into question your parenting.

[IAmFCA]

When I knew I was done, I was done. My age wasn't a factor. Now I have a bf who wishes I could have one and I am grateful the issue has been off the table from the get go.

 

If you KNOW you are done, regardless of how your current relationship resolves itself, then age is not relevant. Otherwise, I read your paragraph to say, for right now, no kids, but if we don't stay together or circumstances change, maybe we would change our minds.

 

My guess is the fear of getting pregnant is having a significant impact on his desire to take that risk. I would emphasize avenues to pleasure that exclude P in the V. Make it obvious and comfortable that you aren't going for that. It might help.

[MisUnderstood9]

When I knew I was done, I was done. My age wasn't a factor. Now I have a bf who wishes I could have one and I am grateful the issue has been off the table from the get go.

 

If you KNOW you are done, regardless of how your current relationship resolves itself, then age is not relevant. Otherwise, I read your paragraph to say, for right now, no kids, but if we don't stay together or circumstances change, maybe we would change our minds.

 

My guess is the fear of getting pregnant is having a significant impact on his desire to take that risk. I would emphasize avenues to pleasure that exclude P in the V. Make it obvious and comfortable that you aren't going for that. It might help.

 

No, I know I am done. I dont want anymore kids. For one the age gap is really large even if we wanted another child; secondly we want to make sure my son knows that we are 100% for him and his needs. Not to sound selfish but we've discussed it and we both know that we wouldnt want to split our attention between two children or have one child lack in attention because the other might require more (whether sports or education or special needs etc). We want to make sure our attention is fully on him.

 

I have discussed getting my tubes tied with my doctor and she told me that she wont do it until I am 30 (4 years from now) just because "my mind could change". He's against a vacectomy, he thinks it will mess with his junk or whatever or take away from his orgasums or whatever he did it.

 

I am just going to leave it alone for now. I know I freaked out and what I said was wrong. I will give him time to forgive my outburst. He has told me he understands that I have been frustrated and he can see how I would feel unwanted and rejected especially since we didnt really discuss anything and that he would probably feel the same feelings if the roles were reversed but he is still pi**ed off which is understandable.

 

Once the dust has settled I think I am going to bring up the topic of a vasectomy and or possible getting my tubes tied again. But, I thank you for the advise about me stopping myself before I react from now on. It was the technique I was using but for some reason the frustration just won over that and my insecurity just flew off the handle.

[boltnrun]

LOL a vasectomy will not "mess with his junk" (a vasectomy doesn't even touch his "junk") and will not affect his orgasms. Sperm is only a portion of ejaculate, he'll still produce semen, and it won't make him unable to orgasm. I've been with two different men who'd had vasectomies and neither they nor I could even tell a difference. My ex even had sex with me within a couple of days of having it done. Plus, it's nice to never have to worry about birth control or using condoms ever again!

 

Please research and print out information about vasectomies to share with him once you two have gotten past this argument. Especially focus on accounts of men who have had them, and he will see he has nothing to worry about.

[IAmFCA]

If I were to recount the number of men with vasectomies in my little black book I'd be investigated for sex crimes. I have an ex who shoots blanks in the most impressive fashion, with the force and frequency of a high school kid. Men are afraid of it, and women can't tell their men about all the vasectomies they've known before (lol). The men I know who have elected the surgery could not be happier with the results and the freedom.

 

Your body was struggling with the IUD. Maybe its his turn.

 

In the meantime, BC pills by the toothbrush. An excellent idea. Or, if you sleep in different spots, get a phone wallet and put the pack in the phone wallet. Alarm, pill, done.