broken soul in a broken marriage

[rhw]

I don't even quite no where to start... I know how I feel, but I am not sure how to articulate the words...without looking crazy for staying in my marriage so long. I'll try and make this as short as possible. I am an emotional mess and I am looking for some words of encouragment.

 

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, together 10. He's in his mid 20's and I am fast approaching my late 20's. I am a military wife and my husband is gone all of the time. If he's not gone on deplpoyment than he is gone training...or on the road. He is gone now and has been for the last 3 months. So him being gone is the story of our lives. He's away more than he is home. That's only part the problem... when the cats away... the mice will play.... he's very out of sight... out of mind if you will. It's as if he lives a double life. His life when he's home and his life when he's away. When he's away he lives the life of a single man. He gets a taste of what that life is like, going and doing as he pleases...with no one to answer to...just living it up. I am very resentful of that. We have a very rocky past, but I don't even need to divulge into that, as the past is the past.

 

I feel very alone in my marriage, it is very one sided. It's as if I am the only one putting forth any effort and he's kind of just existing in it. He's very emotionally abusive. He has no problem talking down on me and calling me names. He makes me a very insecure woman, but can't understand that the reason I am insecure is because of him. He just thinks I am a crazy nagging wife... but all of my emotions stem from him. I have come a very long way with my insecurity and anxiety, but he makes it very hard. It's like he beats me up while I am down, but can't understand why I cry and mocks me for my emotions. I don't even know if that makes sense. Part of me thinks he doesn't understand the differences between a man and a woman and thinks that I should be as tough and emotionless like him. I don't know if it's his age and his lack of experience or what, but I don't think he's quite got to that point yet. he's very insensitive and I could be crying and he will sit there and just laugh and call me a baby. Just very cold.... are you wondering why I stay yet? Because it's been this way our entire marrige. Please note that I've never done anything to deserve this... I've never stepped out on him, so it's not like he has built up resentment towards me. In fact, he is the one who stepped out on me very early on in our marriage and I have 100% moved past that. But for some reason I feel like he just hates me.

 

I have to beg him to call me when he's away, so it's as if it's a chore now and not something he WANTS to do. Wouldn't you WANT to call your wife everyday when you are away? Just to see how she is doing? Sure, we may not always have something to talk about, so why is it a chore to just call and say hey, i love you... good night or whatever it may be. We don't need to have a 30 minute conversation every day, but holy hell, we are married and you should want to hear from your spouse... if just to make sure they are ok. I can't count on him to answer the phone. Basically, I cannot count on him....there is no safety there.... no security. But big surprise, he can count on me... to always be there and he knows that.

 

I am just growing very old of this abuse and I want to leave, but I still love him and don't get me wrong, there are wonderful time, and I know that I won't leave, but I also know that I should...I've always known that.... I envision leaving all of the time though. I don't have the self worth to do it. I grew up watching my mom stay with my dad in a horrible marriage, so I have a feeling that has something to do with it.. I have no self worth. And I am really struggling. I am sorry if this is long...or if it doesn't make sense. I am a strong woman, but broken at the same time.....

[goddess]

OMG, you are in one tough situation but YOU can do something about it. You say you love him, and I believe that you do, but he sounds like an immature, inconsiderate, self-centered, thoughtless and very selfish man (sorry). Why do you put up with such verbal and emotional abuse? No one deserves that treatment and he should be ashamed of himself. You sound like a caring, loving and sweet person. Too good for him, for sure. What you have is a toxic marriage.

 

I know it's easier said than done, but I would very, very seriously consider leaving him. You know deep inside your heart that that's what you should do, don't you? He's giving you nothing except heartache, grief and stress. He sounds like a sociopath. You don't need these negative things in your life. And, I am pretty sure it won't get better.

 

Learn to gain some self-confidence. Do not let him walk all over you, please. I got so upset reading your message. Oh, I could just scream! I suppose you can get some counselling but it sounds like he's just not interested in you (sorry, again) or salvaging your marriage. If he truly cared about you, he wouldn't treat you this way. Think about it. You are making it too easy for him. Wake up. He is getting away with murder, so to speak, and you are letting it happen. DON'T DO THAT, girl!! Plus, god knows what he's doing when he's away.

 

Have some respect for yourself, realise what a good person you are, and find someone who will sincerely love you. Stay strong, get counselling for yourself and move on!

[rhw]

I do know deep down in my soul that I NEED to leave. I just can't find it within myself to actually do it. I don't have the courage. The thought makes me absolutely sick. He is all of the above, but he doesn't think he is. He thinks he is perfectly perfect and sane and that it's all me. That I am the crazy, emotional, insecure one. I may be those things NOW, but I wasn't and whatever I am is because of the abuse that he has put me through. He cannot even comprehend that though. I guess I think of how hard it will be to leave... and how hard it will be to know he is with someone else and not me. I know it's all mental. My heart knows what's best, but my mind hasn't quite caught up. He has put me through hell and back. I am on constant eggshells with him. Always wondering....is he going to call.... is he not going to call.... I can't even ask what he's doing without him freaking out...thinking I am checking up on him. Isn't that a normal, reasonable question to ask your spouse when they are away??? I just dont understand it. He makes me out to be the crazy one, but I know it's not me. I know it's him. I just think I am so far mentally gone in the marriage and I am damaged. I used to be secure and I could walk away from men who would treat me badly no problem. But I am under his spell and he knows it. He has all the confidence in the world in me, he knows where I stand and I have none in him, not even a drop. There is nothing I can ever say to even begin to make him even TRY to understand... he just puts me down and tells me to go F myself and quit whining and moaning. He makes me feel worthless. And you are right, he's not interested in me. I feel like he hates me more times than not. How could he love me, how could he treat someone he loves this way... that's not love.

[goddess]

When he's away, why don't you seek counselling? You have to start somewhere and a counselor can perhaps shed some light as to how you should proceed to heal yourself. Under no circumstances should you stay in such a horrendous relationship. This is no way to live. I cannot fully imagine how frightening it must be to consider leaving him but YOU must take the first step. If you don't, your life will continue to be a living h***. He really does have you under his spell. It's a shame that you actually believe you are worthless. That's terrible. Think of all your good attributes and focus on them. Write them down and start believing them. It's not you, my friend, it's him. He sound like a macho moron.

 

At this point, you have two choices: to get yourself out of this mess in whichever way you can, or stay (very bad idea). Does anyone in your family know about this? Do you have a close friend or a sibling who can talk to you and help you get started to begin the healing process? How much more of this can you take? I hope he's not going to physically hurt you if, and when, you suggest that you want to leave him. Is this a possibility? Do you think you can approach him with this?

 

It's true, your mind has to catch up with your heart; you are right. Don't give up, keep trying and know that you have the determination and strength within you. Dig deep, and you will find it. You can do it, if you really want. If you can take the first step, things will just get better. You'd be better off alone than with him. You have to believe in yourself. It's probably going to the hardest thing you will ever do but think of the peace that will follow. Hang in there. Sending you a hug.

[nonenone]

You are perfectly right, no relationship can be abusive. If it is, then there is not real love. Leave him. Only time will heal you. You worth a lot and you are beautiful in your feelings. And you see things right, a relationship is about loving and caring for each other, and that's not what you are getting here. I would suggest you to go with your mother or family and also seek professional help. Above everything: LOVE YOURSELF, you deserve it.

[cuddlecat]

I am so sorry for your pain. This is not a marriage. It's a one way relationship.

 

Check out this website - link removed

It is a girl from London whose self help affirmations about relationships have really helped me.

She is also on facebook - link removed

 

Here is an example of one of her recent posts -"You won't be able to move on with your life, feel a sense of personal contentment, and forge a happier, mutually fulfilling relationship with someone that values you, if you’re allowing you to be an option for somebody that *doesn’t*. Don't allow anyone to keep you as their fallback option. They're either in or they're out."

 

Everyone in life deserves to be with someone who is completely crazy about them. Don't settle for less than that. Your husband has issues and whatever they are, your needs are not being fulfilled. Yes, you do love him and that shows you are a caring, healthy person capable of giving and receiving love. But is is not being reciprocated and you deserve better. You can love someone but still leave them. In the long run, you will be better off. Here is another quote I found.

 

"If you don’t love yourself, you’ll always be chasing people who don’t love you either, and running from the ones who truly do."

 

Self-esteem is so important. I struggle with this too. All my best to you and sending you a big hug!

[rhw]

If I told him I wanted to leave, he wouldn't care. He would show me the door. He wouldn't physically hurt me. But holy hell, the mental and emotional abuse is just as bad.

He comes home in a few days and I just feel so burnt out and I don't want to do it anymore. The older I get the more I realize I CAN'T do it anymore. I feel like I am at a crossroads and no amount of us talking will change things because he doesn't care, nor does he get it. He doesn't think he does anything wrong and he truly believes that. Even when he's calling me horrible names and saying horrible things about me. I've changed a lot of myself for him, when there was really nothing to change. I put 200% into my marriage and I love him to death. I literally nothing back but tears and broken promises. He does a really good job at talking the talk....but he cant walk the walk. He's all words. No action. He knows how to put on the charm. Like a drug addict, he gets me high but then I come down really, really hard.

[paxkramer]

If he would show you the door, maybe it's time you walked through it.

[rhw]

I know. I know what I need to do. It's the "doing it" part that I struggle with. My self esteem is gone. My self worth is demolished. I am an emotional wreck. And I know this isn't a valid reason to stay, but the thought of him with another woman makes me sick to my stomach.

[paxkramer]

What about the thought of you being with a man who actually wants to be with you?

[rhw]

Well, I never thought of it like that. I guess I am just comfortable with him as in, we've been together so long and he's familiar. I guess I can't imagine someone actually wanting to be with me... or loving me back the way I love. I know the kind of woman that I am and I know what I bring to the table. I am such a loyal wife. I've followed my husband throughout his career, which prevents me from having a stable career of my own. I faithfully wait for him when he's gone months on end. I don't know why a man would s&8! on such a loving, loyal wife. It hurts.... it really hurts... and he doesn't care.

[paxkramer]

You're waiting for someone to change instead of being the change you want, need and deserve. If you want things to change, you need to be the one to change them.

[rhw]

I don't know how to allow myself to break away. I know exactly what I need to do, but it's so much easier said than done. We've been broken up before (while we were dating) and I remember how painful it was... so I think that's what I am hanging onto .... that I don't want to feel that pain again....because it was hard after a year or 2 of dating..... I cant imagine after 6 years of marriage...

[rhw]

I can't imagine my life with someone else....It's a hard thought to grasp and wrap my head around

[rhw]

I'm having a break down. He got mad at me and hung up on me for asking where he ate dinner. Said he couldn't remember. I cannot do this anymore. Only I am allowing this. I know.

[Willywagtail]

He makes me out to be the crazy one, but I know it's not me. I know it's him. I just think I am so far mentally gone in the marriage and I am damaged. I used to be secure and I could walk away from men who would treat me badly no problem. But I am under his spell and he knows it.

 

You are right. You're in the thrall of an abuser - he knows it and you know it.

 

I think that you need to get some help. There will be services available for wives of enlisted men. You don't need to leave tomorrow, but you can get some assistance to help you plan, deal with your fear, deal with your addiction to him and plan how you will leave him.

 

You don't need to tell him any of this - all you need to say is that you've been feeling depressed and you're getting some help. It's the truth, in any case.

 

You do need to leave. But you can get the help to do so - you don't need to do it on your own.

[Lester]

Convenience, too much too soon, age gap incompatibility, disrespect and abuse..., It sounds like you are in a non-marriage.

 

Confidence, self-worth and strength are learned qualities and you're in the class the teaches them.

 

Don't be afraid.

[goddess]

I don't know how to allow myself to break away. I know exactly what I need to do, but it's so much easier said than done. We've been broken up before (while we were dating) and I remember how painful it was... so I think that's what I am hanging onto .... that I don't want to feel that pain again....because it was hard after a year or 2 of dating..... I cant imagine after 6 years of marriage...

 

OK, I will be brutally honest with you. Either you pick up and leave or STOP wallowing in self-pity. Enough now. We get it, you get it. You know what to do, so do it, for crying out loud. How do you not know how, really? Of course you do. So DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! You said he'd show you the door, THEN GO FOR IT!!!! (My main concern was that he would possibly hurt you.) No one dies of a broken heart, for crying out loud. Yes, it will be very hard. I'm sure you are intelligent. I know you are strong and capable. Make a decision and stick with it. Be determined. Go to church, talk to a counselor, talk to a friend or family - do whatever you have to to pick yourself up off the ground and stand up.

 

Don't focus on the good times. Focus on all the bad times. Do you really wish to continue living like you are? Of course not. I am positive that the good times far outweigh the bad ones. Focus on how lucky you are to have your health. Focus on all your wonderful attributes. Go buy something pretty that will boost your morale. Anything to make you feel better. If you truly want to leave, you will. Like I said before, dig deep. Courage, strength and determination will help you win. It's yours for the taking. Got it? Big hug to you.

[rhw]

I talked to my mom and she had some very encouraging words for me of course. She's been in my shoes. She spent all of her youth, 30 years with my dad...in a miserable marriage, hoping and waiting for a change that never came. It wasn't until she was 50 that it was finally enough for her and she finally left. She said it was the hardest thing she ever had to do, but looking back now, she wonders why she didn't do it sooner. She told me sure, I won't leave tomorrow and that this probably won't be the last time I feel this way, but with each time that I do... I will continue to grow sick of it until finally I can't do it anymore. She said the reason I am feeling this way is because my spirit and soul knows it's not right and obviously the sooner I walk away, the better. Even though she knows it will take me time. And it will, I can't walk away over night. I am digging deep to find that courage.

[rhw]

Thank you and this is why I am here. I am trying to find my courage. I know I don't want to do this anymore. I just don't know how to walk away from the last 10 years of my life. Even though I know it's not right or healthy. I know once I make that first step I will be ok... eventually....but it's making that first step that's scary and I can't help but feel scared.

[goddess]

I am glad that your have your mom who is supporting you in your extremely tough decision. Change is frightening. I think many of us fear change because we are afraid of the unknown. Yeah, it is very scary taking that first step. Actually, you've already taken the first step (your decision to leave)! Now, work on the 2nd step. Yes, walking away from the last 10 years of your life, but stay focused. Many of those years were (and are) horrendous. You will do it when you are ready. You know you will. Just don't take too long, OK? Remember what your mom said. Anyway, best of luck to you, girl. You are such a beautiful example of a caring, giving, loving and courageous human being. Big hugs to you.

[litaf201]

Just as a warning, this will not change, it just gets worse. I have been in the same situation and it started getting worse and worse after 10 years. Instead of the phone calls it was video games or whatever his latest thing was...everything came before me. I tried everything to please him, whatever he wanted I did because I wanted him to love me back the way I loved him. Now I am exhausted and I know there is nothing else I can do...it's him, not me, like it is him, not you....there is no reason to be demeaned. I would basically beg for him to come to bed with me or to have sex with me and felt so unattractive (and I am not)...It takes 2 to repair a bad relationship, one person cannot fix it. We don't even talk to each other more because I decided I am not going to have one-sided conversations about what he is interested in, so now there is silence. We don't even come near each other anymore because I stopped trying...it shows how much they put into the relationship when the person who gives all the time steps out. Please think about all this, I want to save you the years of pain that I have had.