Why in the world am I acting like this-I'm scared?

[Misskitty16]

Also watched "The Fault in Our Stars", which would have NEVER popped upon on my tv screen. But the story caught me and I ended up watching it, teared up a bit because I could relate to the situation. I wonder how I might have been changed if I had known how much time I had left with Mom...the MC's boyfriend knew he was going to die and was dying, and so they treasured that time together. You'd have told me I'd be elected President first rather than that Mom would die within a week of entering the emergency room.

 

Blah., ugh.

 

You have it harder than many, because it sounds like it was more unexpected. In many ways, I had it easier than you because she went downhill over a period of months. I knew she was dying. You didn't know.

 

Yeah, the ashes are tough. But I agree with Mhowe that she is with you. The tv movie was NOT a coincidence.

 

I think my mom must be here, too. The cat keeps going in the room where she died. The animals never went in that room before. They just didn't care for it.

[FuryLost]

It's getting worse now I can't go more than a few moments without crying, starte when I opened the life insurance application earlier. Saw that I'd be getting benfits instead of my mom back I don; want money, would burn it all if it brings mom back.

 

I've been busy with school, but that is just a distraction As soon as I finish the essay or whatever, it hits me again. And again and again andagain until I'm in tears....I don't know how people survive this, losing their moms. I really don't...

[mhowe]

You survive because you know that that is what she would want for you.

 

She will be with you always. Now when you are ready, you take a deep breath and get back out there and live a life that would make her proud. There is a time for tears and sorrow...and come the day, the fog lifts and you accept that YOUR life goes on.

[Misskitty16]

You survive because you know that that is what she would want for you.

 

She will be with you always. Now when you are ready, you take a deep breath and get back out there and live a life that would make her proud. There is a time for tears and sorrow...and come the day, the fog lifts and you accept that YOUR life goes on.

 

Amen to this. Take those benefits and make good use of them; pursue something you have wanted.

 

Not sure when the fog lifts - but if it has lifted for others, it can lift for you, too.

 

I am not sure how people get through this, either. I think it is the hardest thing in life. I have just been trying to keep busy to the point of numbing myself. Probably not wise.

[Rexx]

Fury lost, it's good to cry and get it out. Don't hold it in, this is part of grieving the loss of your lovely Mother. It will get better though, I lost both parents within two months and though they were older, I felt completely off-center and lost the first few months. My wise cousin told me, "you go on with your life and be happy again". I also decided I would not expect too much out of myself for the first year at least. And after a while, I stopped crying everyday and started feeling more positive. Life goes on.

 

It's only been a few weeks for you, please take extra good care of yourself and don't hesitate to ask for support from your family or friends. The bond between a mother and her child is too strong to ever be broken, she's now in your heart and always with you. She would not want you to be sad forever. Keep busy with school it will help.

[chitown9]

We go on because we must, sweetie.

 

Please come back to us or we will worry....chi

[FuryLost]

I just never thought I'd be 21 and alone. The house is silent and it's hard to accept that it'll always be like that. Even now I worry about her, hoping that wherever she is she's happy and safe and at peace. Long before, in the back of my mind, I always knew she'd be gone.

 

But like this...after a week of pain in the hospital? No. Neither would have ever thought this. I always imagined I'd be twice my age or something when something like were to happen. Not her at 57 and me at 21....its so disturbing sometimes it makes me angry and sad in the same moment. Such a massive paradigm shift...the hard part is that I know Mom would have wanted me to go on and whatnot.

 

But she was supposed to be here with me to see it all...being in my heart isn't good enough. It never will. I don't want old memories, I just want new ones.

[Misskitty16]

There is no doubt you are very young to be going through this - she was young, too. Mine was 69 and I didn't even think that was old. But at 21, I can promise you, your home will not be silent forever. One day, it will be filled with the sound of your wife, and possibly children. Maybe pets, too. And it should make you angry - life is so not fair. But you know what? Like you said, she IS at peace. When I think of how my mom suffered in her final days, I know she is in a better place - and so is yours.

[FuryLost]

It's gotta be said: I don't have the will or the incentive to contine living. there's very little tying me to this world. if my heart stopped right now, a part of me wouldn't fight it.

 

Mom and I were together 95% of the day and if she's truly gone and never coming back and I'll never see her again and all I have left are these memories...it's too much to handle. I don't even feel suicidal, I just don't have the will to live anymore.

 

people at the hospital kept saying I had to be strong for Mom. well I was strong for her and it didn't help. she's still gone. I was all she had in that hospital. she could only depend on me. wasn't a fatal condition why she went in yet she's gone. the guilt is overwhelming. talking to a therapist won't help because I wouldn't be talking to Mom. so many thing I need to ask her...if she's alright, if she blames me...couldn't bear knowing that.

 

I don't want to go on...I already feel dead inside so that's halfway there...

[FuryLost]

I'm finding that I no longer want to be awake or asleep...just don't want to be here anymore.

[RainyCoast]

sorry for your loss OP. my mum was my last remaining family and she passed in january. I went into intense anticipatory grief the moment she received a terminal diagnosis and the seven month long dying process with me as her only caregiver was horrible. i though the grief was going to hit me so hard after the actual death because the anticipatory thing was so intense. but unlike the seven months- the moment of passage was peaceful and she seemed almost blissful. This helped a lot- the feeling that wherever she had crossed over to she was finally, truly at peace.

Although my anxiety levels after the funeral went through the roof the mourning wasn't what I expected. I almost felt...coldly cerebral about it. It wasn't until a month after that whatever blockage there was had eroded away and i really started grieving in the broadest sense.

Everybody is different. And every grief is an experience unto itself. Please try not to feel guilty or forced to mourn within a "prescribed set of instructions" or someone else's expectations. I do have a therapist though and find therapy really helpful. Some specialise in mourning. Give yourself time, nobody wants to feel these things ( and i relate to so many you listed) but they do need to be felt. My father died when i was seven and i wasn't allowed to grieve. It took until i was 24 that i was able to deal with the loss and the issues that followed from it and from having been prevented from exhibiting a completely natural reaction to it. You may feel like you're dealing poorly but grief strikes everyone differently. I'm still surprised at the delay in my own case. Yet it's on full time now and people tell me this may be so for the next year r longer. It sounds like hell honestly but i have to admit it would sound even weirder if the loss of a parent triggered a bearable sadness. Of course it feels unbearable, that was your mum...

Do you have anyone willing to listen or just be there? I was unable to even articulate my feelings for the first month but i had people who were understanding and would at least hold me when i broke down, encouraged me to feel, reassured me i had a right to feel- and the dam broke down and i was able to start working on the pain consciously.

I hope you have someone close you feel safe reaching out too. Keep posting here and MASSIVE JEDI HUGS from me

[FuryLost]

Yes, I understand that point about Mom being at peace, free of pain. Sorry for your loss as well.

 

But at what cost?

 

At the cost of never hearing her voice again, seeing her laugh, being with her? At the cost of her leaving forever...? The cost is too high and it's something I can't handle.

[mhowe]

The cost of her being at peace and free of pain is priceless. And in hour heart you know that your loss pales in comparison to her living in torment.

 

Such is the nature of living...our parents will die before us. And as they gave is the gift of life, we must move on from their death and continue. I know the.pain you are in...and while the loss stays with you the pain will diminish with time. By the 2nd anniversary of my mums death I vowed to celebrate her life and all the gifts of love and respect that she gave me and let go of the pain of her death.

[Misskitty16]

You were her rock and she knew you were there for her. Trust me when I tell you she is still around you - and she would want you to go on. I know the crushing guilt - believe me, it is what I struggle most with. But the fact that you were all she had makes you all the more special! Imagine had she not had you? She would have been completely alone. This is what I try to remind myself of, too.

[kmae23]

I think in this case though, since the OP was currently living with his mother.. That he is now alone. It sounds as if they were also each others best friend? The experience of grief is very different for everybody, as everyone has pointed out. Parents do die, but you never imagine your best friend will. I guess some people in life encourage strict roles and label certain relationships as codependent etc. Typically one may have moved away from home and seen his mother on weekends, monthly, or twice a year. But living with the person makes the whole scheme of grief take on many neon colors. I think it helps to express how it currently changes your day to day life. And If they were like roommates, best friends and she was his mother, someone he has always been close too and now she is gone, I can only imagine that has really compounded the grief. Now his entire life has changed. I hope he has had someone else to be close to.. at least similarly as close as he was to his mother I am sorry fury.. big hugs!!!

[Misskitty16]

This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ you nailed it. It is MUCH different when you have lived with her (as I did, too). It's like you lose a part of yourself when they die and you feel utterly and completely alone. This is someone you saw every morning, every evening. The pain is indescribable. I know people who lost their mothers and felt very little - some even said they mostly felt "relief". But for those of us like Fury and myself who had a different kind of relationship with our mothers, it is an isolation that is hard to describe.

[Caroline55]

Grief is complicated and unpredictable.

You are in shock. Did she pass away suddenly or has she been sick?

Some people laugh and smile at funerals. Everyone deals with things differently.

You just suffered a major loss. Go easy on yourself!

There will be times, maybe even years from now, that something will trigger feelings of sadness and maybe even draw tears.

Grief comes in waves.

[Misskitty16]

Grief is complicated and unpredictable.

You are in shock. Did she pass away suddenly or has she been sick?

Some people laugh and smile at funerals. Everyone deals with things differently.

You just suffered a major loss. Go easy on yourself!

There will be times, maybe even years from now, that something will trigger feelings of sadness and maybe even draw tears.

Grief comes in waves.

 

This is so very true. It really does come and go in waves. How you will deal depends on so many things - your bond with them, your support system, your own emotional makeup...it is so very complicated. We are never the same afterward, that is all I know for sure.

 

But people get through this - they really do....