FuryLost Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 All I feel right now is anger. To say that I hate all of this is a gross f****** understatement. I hate the way she spent her last week in the hospital in so much pain...so much and it never stopped. never stopped. She didn't deserve that She didn't deserve anay of that. Why? none of that should have happened. we had just stocked the apartment with groceries the weekend before. Those Pillsbury biscuits were her favorite and they're still sitting in the refrigerator. there was still stufdf on our DVR she will never watch now. She didn't deserve that pain the entire week, no f****** reprieve. She had told me she was feeling so much better on Monday, but dialysis messed her up. Should have known something was wrong, kept telling me she was so tired the day before. Could hear it in her voice. Awful, being in the the room when code blue/ stroke was called. Saw her a moment before I left, can't get that image out of my head. Now regret so badly that I didn't yell out that I loved her...couldn't process what code blue was until I heard it on the hospital PA, broke down and passed out after that. Saw her wheeled out to ICU moments later when code blue was canceled, social worker kept telling me all was well now, theyd saved her. Another code blue and she was gone. So much anger and pain and sadness that she's gone and how's she left me and that Im alone now. never thought a pain could exist like this... Link to comment
FuryLost Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 Almost feel bipolar now....anger gone, sadness hovering close nearby with loneliness.....feel like emotions are connected to roller coaster....a little up, then way down. Never way up unless I block it....now I know why some people drink away their demons.... Link to comment
Misskitty16 Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 OMG, I know...my mom's stroke left her paralyzed and unable to speak in the few months before she died. I fed her special food as she was unable to swallow regular food. We tried rehab for awhile, but no improvement. Like you, I was SO angry - angry at the staff, angry at God, angry at my family for not helping, just so pissed off at everyone. No one deserves the kind of pain our mom's went through. But they are both at peace now. We are not, but THEY are. I don't know about your mom, but I know mine would not want to have gone on incapacitated like that (she had told me so in the past, that she would never want to live like that). It's better now where they are. Link to comment
FuryLost Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 I find that I can only keep the grief and shock at bay for so long. It still rocks me to my core anytime I see something funny that she would have liked to hear/ see. Jeez...still feels so surreal and painful. Link to comment
FuryLost Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 Ugh. Think I lost the ability to sleep. Thoughts moving too fast, stress mounting too. Difficult being alone and handling all of this. Not only the pain itself, but also the post-death affairs. Pick a mortuary, sign medical documents, notify work, open bank account, check for life insurance. All of this is cementing a fact I still try to deny. Got home from my cousin's house at 5pm yesterday. Stayed up 12 solid hours bouncing off the walls until about 6am. Finally collapsed, woke up at 2pm today. Ugh. Link to comment
FuryLost Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 Yep, sleep is becoming impossible. Been up now for 17 hours straight and now it's morning/ daytime. Still got affairs to handle... Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Melatonin, AdvilPM ---- non prescription help. Or, see your dr and get a prescription sleep aid. During and after my mother died, I was getting around 4 hrs sleep a night. It is not sustainable. Link to comment
Misskitty16 Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Ugh. Think I lost the ability to sleep. Thoughts moving too fast, stress mounting too. Difficult being alone and handling all of this. Not only the pain itself, but also the post-death affairs. Pick a mortuary, sign medical documents, notify work, open bank account, check for life insurance. All of this is cementing a fact I still try to deny. Got home from my cousin's house at 5pm yesterday. Stayed up 12 solid hours bouncing off the walls until about 6am. Finally collapsed, woke up at 2pm today. Ugh. OMG, tell me about it - sounds like you are handling all the affairs yourself, like me. It is overwhelming, all the legal mumbo-jumbo, etc. As for the sleep, Restoril works great for me (I think it's a benzo), but only your doctor can know what will be best in your situation. But you can ask him about it. Try to buy protein drinks or something since you probably don't want to eat. Also, there is a website MIB (medical insurance board) that will locate all life insurance policies in the US. There is a small fee, but in the event you can't locate the guarantor of her policy, you may wish to contact them. I think they only go back 7 years, though - but you can check out their website. They are totally legit - my state insurance board referred me to them. Link to comment
FuryLost Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 Such an evil pain... Link to comment
Misskitty16 Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 How are you feeling tonight, FuryLost? Also, I hope you have a lawyer to help you navigate some of this - it can be a lot to try to do yourself. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 I think it would be a good idea to talk to your personal physician and explain what you are going through. Your physician can make good recommendations to you for sleep and for your diet. Also, suggest that you look into a support group for people who have lost loved ones. The hospital can probably offer a recommendation for this. Many of us here on this site have endured the death of someone dear to them and those of us who have feel your pain. Just remember this saying, "You will never get over it, but your will get through it." We are here for you to do just that..... chi Link to comment
FuryLost Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 Another low, terrible day...losing the point of living now...hands are shaking just a bit....confused, head in dark fog... Link to comment
FuryLost Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 So much on my mind, in the middle of the semester right now at CC. Need these two classes for 2 degrees I should have had last semester, should have transferred already. Don't feel like schoolwork, just got accepted into unis Mom was really hoping I'd get in. Not sure I can even finish this semester, let alone get ready for late summer. Havent studied math in some time, supposed to take this CC semester to do that. Unmotivated, tired, hopeless. Sick of people telling me that I'm a man now. what the f*** was I before? Some boy, kid? such bs. Link to comment
FuryLost Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 Going to be honest, not sure I can make it through this. In fact I can't. It's too painful and every moment I'm losing it. I do feel bipolar when I manage to block the pain. But then the grief just swallows me whole so slowly. I hope, know she's in a better place but I still need her. I just can't do this without her...the pain is too much. Link to comment
FuryLost Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 I don't want just memories. people tell me to think of the memories. I don't want them. I just want Mom back. dark night. Link to comment
FuryLost Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 Theres gotta be something out there that can stop this pain. Please, something...just make it go away. Link to comment
Misskitty16 Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 Fury, you WILL get through this! I know the pain right now is incomprehensible to someone who has not experienced that kind of loss - but people get through it all the time - and you will, too! Please, please see a doctor (not a MSW, not a psychologist), but an MD who can perhaps give some temporary medicine just to help you in this initial stage. I know meds are scary, but just think of it as temporary. Just until it is not so raw for you anymore. You are in the throes of grief and trying to get through classes - I can't imagine how hard that must be. I am able to take off work for a short time, so it's not been as stressful for me. Link to comment
Misskitty16 Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 FuryLost, please let us know how you are holding up today.... ((hugs)) Link to comment
FuryLost Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 Still here. Probably not post over weekend, still busy. Take care all. Link to comment
FuryLost Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 *Hugs* to you as well. Link to comment
Misskitty16 Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Be sure to post when you can.....we are thinking of you! Link to comment
FuryLost Posted March 24, 2015 Author Share Posted March 24, 2015 Picked up her ashes earlier today, felt like I had taken 2 steps back. It's alarming to know that Mom is now ashes in a wooden box. Guess I know she isn't really coming back. It was so much easier to think she was on some vacation or something rather than the truth. Or just something entirely different. It's a terrible thought to swallow...instead of sleeping I just tire myself out until 2 or 3am. Even then my mind races with memories and images and all of that. I'm now stressing out about school because mid-terms are next week (4/2) and this Thursday is the final class for both of them. Also have an essay due Thursday, but I've been in another part of the state with my relatives and forgot to bring the directions. Won't be back home until tomorrow. And my textbook is still missing... And the death certificates won't be here for another couple of days or weeks, so I can't complete all of the end-of-life affairs until those get here. Feel like I'm in limbo, though the world keeps racing past me... Link to comment
FuryLost Posted March 24, 2015 Author Share Posted March 24, 2015 Also watched "The Fault in Our Stars", which would have NEVER popped upon on my tv screen. But the story caught me and I ended up watching it, teared up a bit because I could relate to the situation. I wonder how I might have been changed if I had known how much time I had left with Mom...the MC's boyfriend knew he was going to die and was dying, and so they treasured that time together. You'd have told me I'd be elected President first rather than that Mom would die within a week of entering the emergency room. Blah., ugh. Link to comment
FuryLost Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 MOM'S STILL HERE, SHE SENT ME A SIGN!! Backstory: Mom has always been in LOVE with this old movie, Double Take (2001, Eddie Griffon, Orlando Brown). Basically a hotshot con artist and a high-profile banker switch identities when the latter is framed for murder and end up tangling with the FBI, Mexican cartels in politics, and each other. Really funny, but it is such a rarity to see it anywhere on television, even on HBO or Cinemax. As you know I got Mom's ashes today and am spending time at my cousin's house. I left her in my room for the time I was here and spent some time in the living room. Then, at exactly 5pm, I returned to my room and turned on the TV. Flipped around and realized there was Double Take and as it was 5pm, it hadn't even started yet. This was Mom's FAVORITE film but we hadn't seen it in at least 5 years. And here it is, sitting in front of me on the day I get Mom's ashes back. Kinda feel like crying because this can't, can't be a coincidence. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 She hasn't left you... That is her message. She is still with you...simply on a different.plane. Do you think a bond such as yours would simply end? Link to comment
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