Looking for some advice from people with experience

[larthur1]

Hi All,

 

So I am much better now than I used to be (thanks to everyone's support!), don't get me wrong, I still have my darker moments but these are far and fewer between.

 

I do not want my ex back any longer and can see much within our relationship that needed work, I still retain that my ex changed in the last few months of our relationship and with that started to push me away (something I did not have the clarity to see before) but I am also glad as it means we are not together, which allows me to find someone else that will fulfil me more as I would not have left her out of love and loyalty.

 

The question. When you have started another relationship was this because you were ready to meet someone or someone came a long and you became ready?

 

I feel like I am in this very frustrating limbo period where I do not want to get back with my ex but I also don't want to be with someone else. I have tried casual dating and it doesn't agree with me, I miss that connection, having someone significant in your life. It's all very confusing and I hope someone can shed some light.

 

EDIT: Also on a side note, when I have become involved with someone in anyway, it has acted as a massive distraction to the rubbish going on in my head but once the involvement stops it all comes slamming back. Some insight into this would also be helpful and how this influences my involvement with someone else or even if I should.

 

Thanks very much.

[kbbcoop77]

This describes me to a tee. My ex wife left a year ago after 24 years and the first several months were horrible and I dated a bit a few months later but now a year later I'm getting comfortable not having a committed relationship. It's weird. I guess it's the new normal everyone talked about but there are definitively advantages to being single and not dealing with someone else's drama 24-7. I'm gonna just enjoy being single for a while and if something happens fine and if not that's fine too..

[catfeeder]

The question. When you have started another relationship was this because you were ready to meet someone or someone came a long and you became ready?

 

The second thing can happen while you're pursuing the first.

 

Most people who are inclined toward relationships often believe that they are 'ready' long before they really are, so the rare feeling that you are not ready is a good one to heed. This doesn't mean putting yourself on house arrest, but it's a good time to focus on your Self and to get creative about your own private development.

 

While this can feel like limbo, it's a good motivator to pursue new interests and uncover hidden talents. Finding things beyond a lover that you can feel passionate about is grounding. It builds a sense of solidity that will translate into using discretion when pursuing your next relationship.

 

Yes, people often do stumble into relationships when they are not looking. Making room for that possibility frees you to quit the hunt and gain a broader focus. When that leads to comfort on it's own, you can decide from there whether or not to pursue a relationship or continue on your new path solo.

 

Head high.

[larthur1]

not dealing with someone else's drama 24-7

 

This..I can't begin to tell you how many couples I hang out with and I think that.

[debrajulia1966]

Wow, this really hits home to me, it's as though I've written those words. I don’t want my ex back, but I don’t want to date anyone either, and I think that’s okay. I even tried looking at online dating, as a distraction, got chatting to a guy, we seemed to laugh at the same things etc .. then I did a criminal check on him, turned out he had a rap sheet as long as my arm. Hmmm, three counts of domestic battery, three DUI's, drugs, and many traffic violations. Thankfully I found all this out before I actually met him. To say I'm dubious about getting to know someone new is now an understatement. But as kbbcoop77 said I'm actually comfortable not having a committed relationship and there are advantages to being single and not dealing with someone's drama. Although I am still in love with my ex-boyfriend, and I miss him desperately, I know the relationship was doomed and was leading no where except for heartache, which is what I am continuing to plough through now.

 

 

 

What you said is EXACTLY how it was for me. I needed a distraction and looking through the online dating websites was exactly that for me, and when that stopped, through choice, the heartache of losing the man I love came slamming back. I know that is of no consolation to you, but it is perfectly normal emotions to feel. What I truly miss is the connection I had with my ex, the moments when we spent alone time together, watching a movie, snuggling on the sofa, him running his fingers through my hair until I fell asleep, and of course the intimacy we shared. The side of our relationship that no one else saw, those are the moments I miss, and whilst I’ve always appreciated people’s opinions on our relationship and that I should’ve ended it a while back, those are the moments that I hold deep in my heart, and which are the hardest to let go.

[SooSad33]

I say you're just NOT ready at this time.

Do NOT make yourself go out and seek some company just for that reason. You need to know you ARE 'ready'.

IF you are still having some 'dark moments'.. still in thought/confusion/emotional over your Ex, then you are not ready yet, to move on whole-heartedly.

 

it's best that you feel 'good' about yourself & your Life for a while before venturing out again. Never anything wrong with being single.

If you feel a 'need' for company? Get out with friends.. go see family. Get into a hobby or sport. Work-out, etc.

Keep busy with something. And just give it time.

 

We can NEVER make ourselves 'ready' to go out & date again. if it's not there, it's not there.. yet.

Slow down and relax you'll be okay again... someday.

[larthur1]

Thanks for all your replies.

 

When I look into myself I know I am not ready. Its like there is a wound on my heart and that although it is a lot smaller than before, it is still there. I hope once it heals I don't have to wait for the scar to fade before I am ready to meet someone. I am glad it is very normal but sad also because I know how hard my healing process has been and so my heart goes out to all of you.

 

It has taken me a long time to be happy being single. Not just because I lost my partner but because my whole life changed. New home, new city, new friends, new job, no commitments with my dogs or her, disposable income increase and so many other changes. I like to think I have grown up a bit and gained a steel I didn't have before, things that I didn't do because no matter how happy you are in a reltionship the energy you spend on development is normally geared towards that rather than yourself. For the longest time I didn't want to accept this new life, mostly because of fear and uncertainty, no one likes change but the more I have and the more plans and dreams I start to firm up the happier I get.

 

I think I will know when I am ready because I will be able to look at a woman I feel attracted to and the feelings of doubts and distance won't follow.

 

debrajuila: I feel very similar to you, that it is those moments I miss but when I am honest with myself, I see that I can have those with anyone. And with all the things my ex didn't have that I know I want now. And although I miss them, I wouldn't want them with someone I didn't truly love which goes for my ex as much as anyone else after all she has done to me.

[hopefulandhurt]

i just want to say I'm in a very similar position to you. my ex of 7 years broke up with me just over 5 months ago. for the first 3, i was completely obsessed with what i could do to "get him back". but eventually something just snapped and i stopped. we had a great relationship and he kind of walked out for bs reasons in my opinion. were only 23 and had been together since 15 and he told me he could see himself ending up with me but needed some time for other "experiences". since he left the door open i felt hopeful for a while, but then the reality hit me - if he really loved me and wanted me in his future then he wouldnt have left. i don't want him back anymore because he clearly doesnt love and value me the way i want a partner to. I'm starting to feel fine being single - i enjoy working out, focusing on school, hanging out with girlfriends, etc. and its kind of nice to be all on my own schedule and have no one else to consider.

 

all my friends have been trying to push me to get back into dating and I've been on a couple of dates, but my heart isn't in it yet. i don't want my ex back but i don't want anyone else either. i never thought i would be the kind of girl who just genuinely wanted to be alone! I've never really been single and I'm growing comfortable with it. i think when i meet the right person ill just know I'm ready and i don't need to actively seek it out right now. plus i definitely don't think I'm over my ex enough. i know i don't want him back but he still occupies a lot of my thoughts and i still have bad days and weak moments. anyway, just wanted to let you know youre not alone in feeling this way!

[sky09]

...which allows me to find someone else that will fulfil me more...

 

What you need to realize is that no one can "fulfill" you. We can only be "full" from within ourselves. Love because of a need or need because of love, which one would you choose?

[larthur1]

I'm sorry to hear that. This is a very common thing for people of our age group (twenties), saddest thing is he will likely regret it for a lot longer than you have been suffering. You're right though that he obviously didn't appreciate you enough otherwise he wouldn't have wanted to lose you from his life, try not to read into why. The grass is never greener.

 

Good for you that you don't succumb to peer pressure, jumping into a relationship when you're not ready/healed is a very bad move. I think you have to test the water though to know if you are or not and hopefully when you are it will all happen naturally. Best of luck to you!

[Ms Darcy]

I think you should stop thinking of being single as "limbo." People can get so dependent upon being in a relationship, they forget that it's perfectly natural and normal to be single. I actually think if you can't be happy and enjoy singlehood, it can eventually doom your relationships as it creates a level of dependency on them.

 

So enjoy what your soul is trying to give you. The opportunity to really grow as a single person.

[hopefulandhurt]

I'm sorry to hear that. This is a very common thing for people of our age group (twenties), saddest thing is he will likely regret it for a lot longer than you have been suffering. You're right though that he obviously didn't appreciate you enough otherwise he wouldn't have wanted to lose you from his life, try not to read into why. The grass is never greener.

 

Good for you that you don't succumb to peer pressure, jumping into a relationship when you're not ready/healed is a very bad move. I think you have to test the water though to know if you are or not and hopefully when you are it will all happen naturally. Best of luck to you!

 

i think it is. it seems like break ups are happening all around me these days! people keep telling me he will regret it and come around, but i feel like its been over 5 months and it would've happened already. i was so devastated and i truly thought no one in the world had ever been more heartbroken than me. i was left confused too. he didnt leave me for anyone else - he wanted to be "alone". i know he's recently started dating casually which he told me i should be "happy" about because it will give him something to compare our relationship to and help him discover what he really wants. i don't believe the grass is greener either - we were so compatible, had so much fun together, so much chemistry, good communication, our families loved each other, etc. its almost like he was scared of the commitment and bolted. unfortunately ill never get the answers i want. i do my best to now think about him coming back or not. i don't want to "get him back". i just want to get to a place where I'm happy and single and over him. if he comes back after that i guess i will need to see where i am in life.

 

i have dated a little here and there. i got into a kind of rebound relationship that lasted 6 weeks about a month after the break up. he was a great guy but i clearly wasn't emotionally ready and i think i really hurt him as a result so i took a step back. i actually was seeing another guy casually kind of recently. i had met him at a party and was completely honest and up front about my situation and he seemed fine with it. we saw each other a couple of times over 2 months but it just kind of fizzled out. both were distractions, but my heart just isn't in it yet. i also feel no "closure" in a way but over time I'm learning that closure comes from within. we need to decide when to close our hearts and close the door and I'm in the process of trying to do so.

[larthur1]

i know he's recently started dating casually which he told me i should be "happy" about because it will give him something to compare our relationship to and help him discover what he really wants.

 

...do you have any idea how selfish and disrespectful that actually sounds? Why should you need to validate yourself and your time together to anyone but most of all to him!? Sounds like he needs to grow up and develop some emotional maturity. I hate to say it but I think you need a little longer to actually judge what your relationship did or didn't have. These answers will come out in time and surprise you, believe me. Of course he wont give you answers, he doesn't have them himself, he maybe further along than you in uncoupling, he isn't in the knowledge, experience and understanding you will gain from all this. The easy way out is never the one with most reward.

 

If he does regret it, it won't be for a very long time. He has a very long way to go before he reaches that realisation and truly understands it.

 

Do you know what I think. It's not about chemistry, compatibility or fun that makes you great together. That is as it should be otherwise whats the point in spending you time with that person? Its how you survive the hard times and come through it together stronger than you were before. When the pressure is on and you are both pushing together.

[hopefulandhurt]

yep - so selfish and disrespectful! he's become like a new person i never saw since we broke up (why i don't want him back anymore)! we went through a lot of ups and downs and he was overall a good boyfriend. i have no negative feelings towards our relationship. our break up on the other hand has showed me his true colors! i hope youre doing ok now too - its rough losing your first love!

[chickadeedee]

The way you need to look at healing from a breakup is like you are getting over a broken limb. At first the hurt seems impossible to bear, then eventually it fades to a dull ache, but there will still be a long time when you aren't quite healed where you need to take it easy and not assume you can get out there and run a marathon yet just because you're tired of sitting in the house.

 

So you're not ready to date until you're healed and ready to date. And if you've been in a long term relationship, that takes a while. The emotional twinges you feel when you start dating before you are ready are the same as the twinges you'd feel trying to run on a leg that isn't healed yet. So take them as a sign that you're just not ready yet.

 

And as another poster says, everyone needs to stop with the thinking that being single is a bad thing that you have to instantly rectify by leaping into another relationship. People who have trouble being single usually have other issues with dependency and lack of self esteem or even lack of initiative to go out and find a way to live their lives and make themselves happy without using another person as a crutch. So if you're not ready, use the time to explore other aspects of your life and self. Get new hobbies, make new friends, stretch yourself to do new things and things you've always wanted to do that would be harder to do if you had a partner. You're free and have an open road in front of you, so use it to go somewhere interesting and do something interesting!

 

A rush to couple up is actually quite a dangerous impulse, because it leads you to make bad choices because you are just so desperate to latch onto someone to fill hollows and holes within yourself, that you make yourself vulnerable to making a very wrong choice. Use this time to figure out how to be YOU on your own and a happy you that doesn't need another person to define you or prop you up. If you are happy being single, you have a far better chance of waiting for and finding the right person rather than latching onto another relationship that is not right for you out of desperation to couple up.

[larthur1]

I'm all good! I don't need someone, I think some people misunderstood that from my post. Just had some honest questions about how I felt and wanted people who had been in the same place to offer insight. I think its just when you have been in a relationship for so long, its hard to adjust to another way of life.

 

The broken limb analogy is a good one though.