Coworker and I have a certain energy together

[Aeropro]

Hey all,

 

I was in a relationship that turned sour and have been single for about the last 7 months now. I've used the time to focus on me and have only been on a few dates since which has been a good thing. It has kept my confidence up and made me realize that I've needed this time alone to really find myself again. To anyone reading this going through a break-up, I highly recommend taking at least 6 months to focus on yourself! I didn't read too much into that advice but it really is the best thing to ensure that you're not going to wind up hurting yourself (or the person you're rebounding with most importantly).

 

So I've been at my current employer for about a year and am really enjoying it (I work in the finance industry). My friends are now to the stage where they are egging me to 'get back out there' to which I've politely answered with a 'not looking to rush into anything' type of attitude. Recently a young girl (I'm 26... she's 23) started at my office whom I've really taken a liking to. She's only been at our office for two weeks but I've started to feel an attraction/mutual energy that I haven't felt since I had started dating my ex. I've noticed that I've gone out of my way on several occasions to be around here, have playfully teased her about things I don't tease anyone else about, and go out of my way to impress her and subtly imply that I am interested. She is the same. She teases me about things, remembers little things I've told her about my life/inquires about them, and laughs at about anything I say and responds to my teasing in a flirty manner. We also find ourselves catching one another's gaze. In terms of my attraction to her, it really stemmed from our first conversation. We both enjoy reading (as well as have the same favorite book), have the same degree, similar backgrounds, and are both outgoing yet relaxed. Obviously we work in professional environment, and as such I have also taken her under my wing with regards to certain policies/procedures to show her the ropes which I've enjoyed. All and all, I really enjoy spending time with her.

 

As I mentioned earlier, I also met my previous girlfriend at work but it took about a year for us to start dating and at the time I was only working part-time as I was finishing school. In terms of my new crush, she only works at the office three or so days a week and our time together is obviously limited. Per our work policy, it is strongly encouraged that we do not date co-workers but it isn't a banned policy. Two of my partners are actually married and work right next to one another. Through conversation, I've come to the conclusion that she isn't seeing anyone and I have dropped subtle hints that I, too, am single. I know that she is interested in me to at least some extent, but of course I am not ENTIRELY sure to what level which has me posting on here for some advice. She will be out of the office next week and I simply can't get her off of my mind! Haha

 

The last time I asked her about her weekend she had said that none of her friends ever want to do anything so she was just focusing on feeling better as she was sick. I am in the exact same boat, although I do go out with friends regularly. My plan of action, depending on how the next few weeks go, is to invite her out to hang out since she doesn't have much going on. I feel this wouldn't be intrusive and would be more of a, 'Hey, well my circle of friends goes out a few times a month. You should come out and get out of your stuffy apartment one night!"... My circle of friends is very professional/put together and I think this would be a safe play. What do you guys think? I could also give her a break with exchanging numbers since, in my position, our staff has to have my # in their phone in case of an emergency. I could simply say, 'You have my number already, right? From the contact list? Shoot me a text if you're ever looking for an excuse to get out."... this would obviously eliminate any potential awkwardness if she really wasn't all that interested and I feel it comes accross as a nice gesture.

 

Sorry for the long post; it's snowing here and I'm snuggled up on my couch looking for an excuse to type. =P

[Rosti87]

This is just my 2 cents. I don't believe in pooping where a eat. So I'm in the club of not dating people at work because it tends to get disruptive on all kinds of levels. Married couples are a bit different from a burgeoning relationship. You say you love your work. What if the relationship does not work? If you are at a higher level in the company than she it can complicate things.

 

Again this is just my 2 cents.

[Aeropro]

This is just my 2 cents. I don't believe in pooping where a eat. So I'm in the club of not dating people at work because it tends to get disruptive on all kinds of levels. Married couples are a bit different from a burgeoning relationship. You say you love your work. What if the relationship does not work? If you are at a higher level in the company than she it can complicate things.

 

Again this is just my 2 cents.

 

Thanks for the quick insight. Yeah, I've thought about that too... but I guess personally I can handle that sort of thing. When I'm at work, I'm all about work... when I'm out of work, I'm all about non-work related things. When I was dating my ex and we worked together I suppose it was a bit disruptive in the beginning, but as I matured I never really thought about it as much. I am above her in the company, but she doesn't report to me and there isn't any chance of the whole 'he's playing favorites'/'she's getting special treatment' thing. The married couple I work with also dated at the office, according to one of my colleagues, for about two years prior to just recently getting married for what that is worth. Of course if things didn't work out it would be a fishy situation; that would be the toughest scenario.

 

The other potential fishy situation would be if I came on too strong/created an awkward tension in the office, but fortunately I'm self-aware enough to not make that mistake, haha... which is why I suggested my approach.

[sara-pezzini]

I met my now ex at work, my brother met his now wife at work, no problems at all. So i disagree with the previous poster.

If you happen to meet someone at work and it clicks why the hell not? For me it is very rare to actually click with someone at all, so at work or not would never stop me.

It sounds promising so good luck!

[4blossoms]

I would honestly not put too much into the "signs" that she likes you. I am recovering from some disappointment after asking a friend out for dinner only to be flat-out rejected because I misinterpreted his "signs".

 

I'd say try to find out of she has a boyfriend first. If you are able to bring it up casually in conversation or ask a buddy at work that would be ideal. If she is single your chances are now good. Then ask her out to lunch or coffee--something casual, co-workery. If that goes well then ask her to dinner.

 

Unless she say to you "I really like you" don't assume anything or you will set your heart up to be broken. "Signs" don't mean much and an unscrupulous girl who already has an S.O. will readily play the role of ingenue and Lead you on for a boost to her ego. Don't fall into that trap.

 

The only way to know if she likes you is if she keeps accepting your dates and reciprocates when you hold her hand, kiss her, etc. If you are very rich, even this would be a question mark still, as she might only want your money.

 

Regarding the "don't poop where you eat" notion I think it's silly. Unless this job means more to you than a chance to be with the love of your life, go ahead and get to know her. If things go sour and work is awkward, you can grit it out and find another job. But if you really like her and don't meet girls that you like this much all the time then you will be missing a good opportunity. Good luck.

[Batya33]

My husband and I originally met at work and dated -different departments so no overlap as far as working together or one supervising the other. I'm a big fan of meeting people at work as long as there is no supervisory role and you're both single. I think it's a great idea to invite her out with your friends -good luck!

[Aeropro]

Thanks all for the replies. My biggest fear, as 4blossoms alluded to, is that these 'signs' are just in my head... but they are just so obvious. It's rare to have that sort of connection with someone so I'd be a fool to let the opportunity slide through my fingers tips. I guess unfortunately as people we can't control our emotions but I will take it slow and ease into it. Thanks for the good luck! I will keep you all updated and see what happens. I just can't get her out of my head! Uh oh.

[mhowe]

Ask a disinterested friend. As blossom4 mentioned, it could be like her situation....soooo clear to you, but in reality...not so much.

[mhowe]

Thanks all for the replies. My biggest fear, as 4blossoms alluded to, is that these 'signs' are just in my head... but they are just so obvious. It's rare to have that sort of connection with someone so I'd be a fool to let the opportunity slide through my fingers tips. I guess unfortunately as people we can't control our emotions but I will take it slow and ease into it. Thanks for the good luck! I will keep you all updated and see what happens. I just can't get her out of my head! Uh oh.

 

We can control our emotions! Or, you can feel the emotion and not act on it. It is part of being an adult.

[Aeropro]

We can control our emotions! Or, you can feel the emotion and not act on it. It is part of being an adult.

 

I suppose you're right. I'll just feel things out the next few weeks and then decide whether or not to cast a line into the water... =P

[4blossoms]

I think you can trust your gut on some things. If she is showing all the 'classic' signs of finding you attractive, which she seems to be, then she probably does like you. Unfortunately, as I have learned, someone who finds you attractive may still have no intention of dating you. It could be for all sorts of reasons, like she broke up with a cheating boyfriend in the past and never quite got over it or that she is more interested in someone else.

 

Regarding the friendly, romantically ambiguous get-togethers--it's a good way to segway into actual dating but I wouldn't invest too much time into those activities. If it turns out that she doesn't want to date you you may end up wasting months chasing after her. I've done my share of playing best friends with a guy that eventually decided to get back together with his girlfriend. As a woman I usually know if I am attracted to a guy after hanging out with him in a group once or twice. If a spark is there I'll feel it and be thrilled if he asks me out. So, fun group activities I'd personally do twice at the most then just ask her out to dinner.

[Aeropro]

The next time I work with her is this coming Saturday and I am actually going out with friends that night. I'll definitely invite her out (depending on whether or not she says she has plans or not). Life is too short to not go after what you feel is the right thing to do... and if she doesn't react positively then no harm no foul. I have to take a chance, right?

[Sarah691607309662]

What stood out for me is the same book that you both have as a favorite. Who was the first one to mention this book - you or her?

 

Also - she has been in your office for a few weeks only and as you say she does not work a full week. So you did not spend with her considerable amount of time... In other words your approaching each other happens VERY FAST. This is another possible concern.

 

Why did you break up with your ex? What type of a person she was? As you mention - you feel THE SAME feeling finally around this new girl. That points out that she might have the same set of traits as your ex that you react to. It also could explain such immediate "chemistry".

 

If I were you, I would consider the possibility that I am falling for exactly the same thing as I fell before (with ex). Do I want it or not? If that does not stop you = invite her to the group of friends. I do think she is most likely interested but how serious - nobody knows.

[Aeropro]

She had mentioned she enjoyed reading and I mentioned I did as well and asked which types of books she liked. She then said her favorite book was the Da Vinci code which is actually my favorite as well. We haven't spent any sort of real time together, but each interaction with her has brought me positive emotions; as is such with any sort of starting out/puppy-type love I suppose. To your third point, I'm glad you brought that up because I had fallen into that trap just after breaking up with my ex. I would chase these girls I would meet through friends in a bar setting until one day, about two months ago, I deleted their numbers from my phone and began realizing that I was just looking to have anyone to pursue. That was so out of character of me and I started losing self-respect. My ex had cheated on me and all and all treated me extremely poorly towards the latter stages of our relationship. She basically strung me along until she found someone else to cling on to... and I was slowly finding that I was guilty of looking for the same thing. Fortunately I have been able to learn from my past relationship and thus have started feeling like myself again. I'm doing awesome at work... I've re-kindled my love for my old hobbies... and I just feel like 'Me' 2.0. I really feel ready to share my life with someone again.

 

As far as the emotions I had with my ex versus this new girl, I suppose the only similar emotion is just that feeling of excitement. Through experience, I'm much more outgoing and more myself than I was when I was reeling in my ex years back... and my ex was a very hard to read person. In retrospect I honestly just created this image in my head of her and how I wanted her to be... and she played the part quite well. Unfortunately, and I'm not saying I was perfect in the relationship, she chose to show her true colors and walk her own path at a very pivotal time in my life which made the break-up that much more difficult... and the fact that she jumped to someone else instantly after was shattering. But, in the end I'm rather fortunate to have the opportunity to find someone who will love me for me and vice-avers. I don't hate my ex anymore, I guess I just pity her because she threw someone away who is awesome - that person being me! Haha...

 

The new girl is much more like me... she is outgoing... enjoys conversation... yet she also strikes me as someone who is patient and knows when to joke and when to be serious. That is totally me as well. I'm not falling into the same trap as I did with my ex... I'm being patient and only have time in my life to pursue people I feel I can get along with. And I guess, what the hell? This girl could be the one for me that I've been waiting for.

[4blossoms]

The next time I work with her is this coming Saturday and I am actually going out with friends that night. I'll definitely invite her out (depending on whether or not she says she has plans or not). Life is too short to not go after what you feel is the right thing to do... and if she doesn't react positively then no harm no foul. I have to take a chance, right?

 

Yeah, definitely! Carpe diem! As a guy you need to get used to this anyway since you'll be expected to do the majority of pursuing if you date someone else in the future. And if you're in investment banking you'll probably need this skill when clients reject your sales pitch!

[MissMamaSylvia]

I would say go for it.The worse thing she could say is NO

Really there is no way to know her level of interest unless you ask her out.

 

I know plenty of people who met their SO at work and end up getting married.Where else could we meet people when working full time?Dating co workers is not as big deal as people make it seem to be.There are far more things that are deal breakers.

 

If you are truly interested in someone ,you can over look the fact that you work together

[Aeropro]

Hey again guys,

 

I haven't updated this in a few weeks as I've been quite busy/sick (bleh) but I'm feeling better now! Actually the Saturday following my last post she dropped the dreadful words on me after I noticed her pull up in a different car for work. She said it was her room-mates but also mentioned how she had to use her "boyfriend's car" when it was available. I'm glad to have it out in the open now as I've been much more relaxed around her than I had been previously. I guess my "motives" have went away. Even so, we still enjoy talking to one another and goofing around at work. She still will bring up things we talked about weeks ago (books, movies, hobbies I enjoy) and I can tell she is very relaxed around me. I am officially 'Mr. Cool' now... I'm not looking to be a home-wrecker because that behavior is what burned me in the past as my ex played that card on me. I mentioned to her that I will be playing tennis this coming weekend now that I am back on my feet (I play in amateur tournaments and March/April are generally my practice/training months) to which she mentioned that she'd love to play with me. I think I'll settle for her friendship now and let her make any sort of decision in leaving her ex if any romantic feelings for me further in her eyes. To me she is a friend; someone who I enjoy talking to, spending time with, and getting to know. Do I day-dream of the idea of being with her? Oh, of course. I never feel this sort of connection with many people. However, I'll keep those as 'day-dreams'. I can truly tell that there is a mutual attraction between she and I and we may very well be considered "work significant others" as some like to tease... but I'm okay with that. I'm happy being by myself... and I can't wait for the spring to OFFICIALLY be here... if she sees something special in me if we start hanging out outside of work then she'll have to do a gut-check and find out where she wants her life to go. If not, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

 

God bless.