Sick, Alone & Abandoned After 20 Years

[Broken2015]

Hello -

 

I'm new and posting to this forum because I have no one else to talk to. I'm a 40 year old woman who has dated the same man, on and off (mostly on) since I've been 19. For the last 10 years, we've pretty much lived in different states. I have a good job and career, but he had continued to live a life of white collar crime, which he knew I strongly disapproved of. Still, I loved him and hoped he'd find decent work and change his lifestyle. We'd spoken about marriage in our 20s, and after a long break and finally getting back together mid-thirties, we were living together and seriously planning to get married. Though he'd reached out to me several times in the past to get back together,I'd refused after discovering he'd been unfaithful and had been badly neglected with him barely calling and not keeping commitments before the first bad break up.

 

After 5 years, we eventually got back together when he was down and out, and I was ready to make a change in my life. He claimed he'd never stopped loving me, that he matured, changed and wanted to be a part of my life again, to love and take care of me. I told him we'd see and take it slow. I agreed to help him out, took him in, paid all the bills and worked to help him get back on his feet and find work. We began afresh in our relationship. But a few months after and before he'd made any real attempt to find work, he left one day saying all way well between us to go back to Atlanta(where he'd previously been) and to the life of crime. Then began texting me shortly thereafter stating that I treated him like a dog, spoke disrespectfully to him and that he hated me and was leaving. He said he was doing well then, sending me pictures of money, but refused to repay me for the money I'd invested helping him, even when facing eviction. He'd left his belongings in my apartment, claiming weekly he'd be there to get his things for over 6 months without ever showing up.

 

Long story short, we worked things out thereafter. He moved back in, paid rent once, and then the entire cycle began again. We argued incessantly because he was constantly traveling, never stayed in touch when he did, nor did he ever return when he said he would. When he was here, he disappeared half the night to bars and strip clubs and spent his days doing anything which took him away from home. Since mid last year, I've been dealing with a medical issue which causes pain intermittently, and have not been able to have sex as often as I would have liked. Between that, the arguments and his rarely being here, sex between us became virtually non-existent. By that time, I strongly began to suspect him of cheating again, felt neglected and often in pain, and rarely felt "in the mood".

 

This past Christmas day, he traveled here, getting here at almost 9pm when the holiday was done, and somehow an argument between us ensued which ended with him telling me, "That's why I've long since been cheating on your a**." Needless to say, the rest of that discussion did not go well. In the morning, he claimed, he only said it out of anger and that it wasn't true. But when I stated that I didn't believe him at that point, and asked to see his phone, he rapidly and flatly refused. He left to enjoy New Year's in Atlanta, stating he'd be back soon to work things out between us, and admitting that he had, in fact, been cheating. It was the 3rd time. And I'd never cheated in 20 years.

 

Somehow....between trips and without us being in contact very often or having any further arguments, that all changed to him becoming angry with me and blaming me for everything. He promised discussion, but then later refused saying he's too scared of my yelling. I pointed out that I'm a reasonable person, and yelled at him because he had yelled and insulted me, calling out lies about me sleeping with other men, and insulting me for being sick, yelling out the details of medical condition just so that neighbor could hear, he took back everything he'd ever gotten me or for our home, jewelry, knife sets, condiments, vacuum cleaner, even toilet tissue. The couch he'd brought with him, he slashed up and left sitting in my living room, stating that he'd read a text I sent a friend years ago saying that I thought it looked kind of cheap - I did sent this text. He took garbage out of my trash bin and left it in the middle of my kitchen floor. He invited me talk outside our home, then literally pushed me out at 3am to walk home sick and alone in the rain. Other than his horrible visit, I've been home alone since December awaiting surgery, and in almost constant pain. My best friend is in a new relationship, and has no time for me at all. She didn't even contact me before my surgery to wish me well she forgot. My family leaves half an hour away, but has not visited me either, rarely call, and rarely pick up when I reach out to them. I've become seriously depressed and suicidal. Not just because I've been sick and feel abandoned, but because even my family and friends have turned out to be flaky. I'm lonely, feel like a ghost, and like I just don't matter to anyone. I was in a bad car accident last year, and was hit in an intersection a motorcyclist who ran a red light. My ex has told me he hopes I get hit by a car next time and killed. That I'm a horrible person, and deserve anything I get.

 

I'm sorry for the long post, but it's a long tale.

[lukeb]

It is not that hard to see looking in from the outside how this relationship was doomed to fail from the start. It may not be something you want to hear but to a large degree you authored your own misfortune throughout this long on and off again relationship. As bad as things may seem you are better off now without him than you were before December when you were still together. Try not to sweat the smaller stuff like the material things, like you said you have a good job and career. I hope you are recovering well from your surgery and able to get back on your feet. If your medical plan covers it I would look into seeing someone to help to get you into a healthier place psychologically.

[shessofly]

please stay away from this man for good. i am sorry for your health issues and hope you are feeling better soon. are you able to seek out a counselor or someone for help with your depression?

[Broken2015]

Thank you for your reply, lukeb. I agree that I have played the engineering role in my relationship with him, and have considered this many times over the years. It's obvious in retrospect, and even more so in the documenting of our history that he never actually loved me and that I didn't have much of a relationship. I've been confused as to why he would have stayed in my life so long in this case, and why he left filled with hatred and anger. He claimed he cheated and did the things he'd done as revenge. We'd had arguments, sure, but revenge? I really don't understand. I guess I stayed because I was so lonely. My family and friends have all moved on with their own families and I wanted something of my own. I also wanted the large portion of my life I'd spent with him to matter in the end.

 

I'm not sad that he's gone; I get that the relationship was toxic. I guess I'm just sad to be 40 and still find myself so alone. Facing major surgery immediately after a bad breakup, and with little support from family and none from friends is tough. Working from home for 3+ months and being almost bedridden creates such a feeling of isolation; I feel unattached to anything real or substantive. I've considered therapy quite a bit....but I don't really think there's anything wrong with my mind - not that you've suggested that. I think people just need people, that we all need meaningful attachments to keep us grounded and happy. The breakup....being ill....has shown me that I really don't have that. That's what I what. That's what I need. And therapists aren't friends. Thanks so much for reading my post and for your reply.

[Broken2015]

thank you. I am considering group therapy for the depression.....it would be nice to just be around others. hopefully I can find a nice group where I feel welcome. thank you.

[Willywagtail]

I am sorry you're feeling so miserable. It's always awful when we look back on our choices and realize that our life did not unfold the way we would have liked. I don't think anyone here can berate you now. What's done is done, and I guess you lived in hope despite the outward signs he was a a horrible man.

 

I would strongly suggest counseling. You're in an incredibly vulnerable state at the moment, and it's really helpful to have an objective, non-judgmental outsider to talk to and to assist you realign your life. Maybe the hospital where you're going to have surgery can assist you to organize this?

 

There is no other way but up. Perhaps you can start by inviting your friend or your family round for a meal so that you have some company. You could also ask them to assist with the hospital appointments, when they are able. I have found that when you are in genuine need and you reach out to people, they do respond.

 

I also found, when I was in a really dark place, that focus sing on my job really helped.

[dave_1966]

You sound like a really intelligent together compassionate person, and this guy has exploited these very qualities. You are better off without him, I would direct your energy towards dating websites when you're ready. I'd also consider a restraining order on this loser.