moundshroud Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Rundown: My girlfriend, 28yo, and myself, 29yo, have been dating together for two years, live together, and eventually plan to marry (possibly). My biggest reservation at the moment: My girlfriend is bad mouthing me to her friends. Example #1: My girlfriend and I planned to go on a day trip today to visit an old friend. It's about a two hour drive, but the weather was looking bad on the radar and the weather center suggested not driving. Worrying about the conditions, I told my girlfriend that we should probably reschedule the trip. She quickly said 'Okay' and I thought that was that. Not long after, I saw over her shoulder that she was texting one of her work friends (guy friend she used to crush on). I could clearly read 'He's afraid to drive in the rain. He's like my grandma.' I later saw the conversation and she went on how to say she was so disappointed and that her day was ruined; she was blaming me for the fiasco (even though I was trying to save both of our lives by not driving in horrible sleet/ice). My girlfriend is a habitual bad mouther. She bad mouths everyone we know, but I always thought I was the exception--that she wouldn't do that to me. Lately, I've come to learn that she bad mouths me quite often. I found out that she told a friend that she thought I was unattractive when I acted "meek" in front of her. I keep telling myself that she is just venting and that I should let it go. But I guess I don't understand because I would never bad mouth her to anybody--I respect both her and our relationship too much to do so. Am I overreacting? Am I being a little whiny ****? Sometimes I can't tell if I'm being hyper-sensitive or justified in being upset. Link to comment
shessofly Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 you are not overreacting. have you talked to her about her behavior in the past? if you haven't, you should and if she refuses to do anything about it or continues to belittle you behind your back then you have to decide if that is something you can live with for the rest of your life. she will eventually tear your self esteem completely down. i steer clear of people like that... Link to comment
Lady Amalthea Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 What she is doing is extremely rude and inconsiderate, and you should step away if after you tell her how you feel, she does not stop. If she loves you and respects you, I find no reason to badmouth you behind your back. Best of luck. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 This says more about her and her character, rather than what she says about others. That said, no you're not overreacting, yet you have to decide where to draw the line. Link to comment
Willywagtail Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Your response is not an overreaction. It's the response of any reasonable person when they find out their SO is behaving like a jerk. That's what she is - immature I guess, and a jerk. It's always a revelation isn't it? When we see our SO behaving a certain way towards other, and all of a sudden they turn it on you? It's happened to me too. Are you meek in front of her? Do you stay quiet so not to incur her bad mouthing? Now's the time to set the boundary with her - that is if you want to stay with her. PS She doesn't sound like a'keeper' to me - she's not marriage material. Link to comment
musicman777 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 you are not overreacting. have you talked to her about her behavior in the past? if you haven't, you should and if she refuses to do anything about it or continues to belittle you behind your back then you have to decide if that is something you can live with for the rest of your life. she will eventually tear your self esteem completely down. i steer clear of people like that... +1. I would talk to her about it. I also don't think you are overreacting. She should be proud of who you are and speak positively about you. Her friends/colleagues should be happy (or even jealous) she got a good guy in her life! Instead she is doing the opposite. Talking smack about you as well as others, especially to a guy she used to like. That is a red flag actually. That's the last person you want your girlfriend complaining about you to. That guy maybe looking for an opening or she might be looking for a way out... Confront her about it ASAP and see what she has to say, don't wait. If she is sympathetic about it AND admits to having a problem, then you should be able to move past it. If not, maybe it's time for greener pastures my friend. Don't hang onto a girl like that. Good luck. Link to comment
moundshroud Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 Thank you for the input, everyone. She's probably not going to be very receptive when I bring it up. I'm trying to figure out the perfect way to do it. This is what I plan on saying: As I was leaving to run the recycling on Monday, I saw you texting Bill about my decision not to drive in the rain. You were bad mouthing me. It really bothered me that (A) Instead of talking to me about how you felt, you decided to bad mouth me to a friend, and (B) You were upset in the first place, when driving in those conditions was clearly dangerous. I decided to take time to think about it, as it's becoming more common. I had to think long and hard about how I felt having the person who is supposed to support me most bad mouthing me to others in private. I hear how you talk about your ex’s and co-workers, and now I worry that you talk about me in the same way. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin at the moment; I feel like both your respect and unwavering support for me doesn’t take a whole lot to be shaken. In short: I feel like a fool. I don’t like feeling like a fool. How do we go about fixing this? Link to comment
shessofly Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 i could be wrong but be prepared for more belitting/blame shifting behavior. honestly she does not sound like someone who can be trusted. i'm not sure how you have listened to her trash people for so long. this doesn't just need to end with you, it needs to end with everyone in her life. just seems unlikely to be the outcome. i hope i am wrong. Link to comment
derroax Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Hiya. I agree with the other comments and applaud you for deciding to confront it. I like how you want to describe the behaviour and explain how it makes you feel and asking her to find a solution together. Also, I would be concise. You're not in the witness box trying to convince her of anything. When I have these conversations with my boyfriend, he usually starts nit-picking and explaining every single thing until we lose track of the main topic of the conversation, so don't let it digress. I often remind him that if something bothered me, it doesn't mean I don't care about him or respect him. This usually helps him understand I'm on his side. But I'm always strict about serious things and make it clear that it's not okay. You are right to defend your boundaries. And she will not be happy about it. And you will need to deal with it and make sure you maintain your boundaries and not let her shift the blame. You're on the right track. Let us know how it goes Link to comment
BigKK Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Prepare to get bad mouthed even more when you confront her! She has communication issues and I seriously doubt one talk is going to change her. You know she bad mouths people, of course you can try to talk and fight for your relationship. There is also the chance that this is one of those...either accept it or don't. Link to comment
relevart Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Well, the first thing she is going to say is, "Wait. You looked over my shoulder to see what I was texting?" And she'd be right to a point. It's an invasion of privacy and this forum normally tells folks not to look at other people's phones without their permission. Part of me would also say that we need to vent to our friends and family sometimes. I don't want to know what my wife says about me even in good times to some of her friends in their private conversations. There is an issue of her being friends with a guy that you say she used to "crush" on, too. And I'm not saying she's 100% blameless. If she has issues with you, she should come to you. But rain? How hard was the rain? Was it going to rain the entire day? And was it going to rain two hours away? We don't know for a fact that she wasn't right in that you could have gone. If she does this all the time, then maybe it's more of a decision for you: do you want to be with her? Maybe I'm just being contrarian, but it seems almost petty to me when you actually looked over her shoulder to see what she was saying in private. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 I think relevart has some very valid points. At the same time, I do think it is important to share with her how you feel. I think your approach is too confrontational and anyone would react badly to it. Focus on what you ob observed and how that made you feel. Link to comment
JA0371 Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Normally I would say it's an over reaction in your part, but you've said she's bad mounted you before. I think it's just disrespectful...period. She should save her grievances and discuss them in private, with YOU. It's unfair for her to pain a picture of you as a villain to her friends. The same friends she probably bad mouths. So....there is your strategy. If you confront her, be sure to let her know that the very same friends SHE is 'confiding' in, are the very same friends she tears down when she sees fit. I despise two faced people.....nor would I ever trust one. Link to comment
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