Two years on four dating sites and no luck at all.

[Sam _]

I seriously am beginning to think that these things simply do not work. I really do not see anything wrong with my profiles and sincerely doubt there is anything wrong with them at this point. On Match, I get a ton of winks on my profile and likes on my pics; if I message any of the girls then I get nothing. They read my message but never respond. EHarmony doesn't seem to work at all; I've gotten no views in the last couple months. POF, I get tons of women clicking that they want to meet me, but it is the same thing as Match; I message them and get nothing in response. OkCupid: I get messages but when I reply back, I get nothing in response.

 

link removed

 

I understand that women get tons of messages, but I honestly feel that you not only have no right complaining about not finding a decent guy but also have no right to be on a dating site if you don't respond to all messages that show genuine interest. I take a "your loss" sort of stance when someone doesn't respond and while that may be considered egotistical, it is far more egotistical for women to require someone to pique their interest in the first message. To hell with actually talking to the person to see if you're interested like a normal person would, right? It is even more egotistical if you're taking that mindset despite showing interest through winks, likes, or even messaging the person yourself (especially when those very messages are "uninteresting" by their own standards, saying nothing more than "Hey or "Whats up?"). So the man has to put work in to even get to talk to a woman but the woman puts none in herself? Obviously I don't take this attitude when talking to women, I just want to get to know someone and for someone to actually get to know me. I don't usually let this get to me but two years of this is getting extremely frustrating and outright ridiculous.

 

Does anyone have any advice? I work full time, 40-50 hours per week; my mother lives with me due to being disabled from spinal injuries and I moved all the way from the other side of the country to take care of her when I found out she had been injured. We also live in a town where, unless you want to go to church or drink yourself into a stupor, you have to drive 30+ miles to do anything fun at all.

[samy]

Sam, I have the same thing as you. Was starting to think that the meet thing On pof Is not real but automatically done by the website to keep us interested. When I message guys who want to meet I have no responses and today just noticeD that the ones who want to meet me sometimes they have not viewed me.

I have to say that I receive a lot of messages but from guys who are really not my type, too old or too young but I just can't reply sorry thanks but no thanks so I don't respond but I feel bad.

[obsessed2]

Dating sites are ok as long as you do not make them the primary source for meeting people. Getting involved in singles meet up groups with similar interests is a great way. There are also things like speed dating that put you right out in front of actual people for 6-8 minutes, but at least you know they exists and are available.

[Sam _]

I've looked for speed dating and singles meetings; every one I've gone to only has three or four others going including the hosts. All others are nothing but 45 to 50 year old men and women. Dating sites seem to be the only way to meet anyone outside of driving 60 miles to the city.

[Loriana]

Well I don't know where all the girls are because having looked at your profile I would reply to your message if you sent me one

 

I haven't had any luck with online dating, but I did used to message back guys who seemed genuine and interesting. Make sure your messages are interesting and stand out from the crowd, just sending a message that says "Hey" probably won't get responded to.

 

Look at the girls profile and if you see an interest or hobby that you both share mention it in your message. All you can do is keep trying until you get lucky! Good luck

[Rosti87]

I've looked for speed dating and singles meetings; every one I've gone to only has three or four others going including the hosts. All others are nothing but 45 to 50 year old men and women. Dating sites seem to be the only way to meet anyone outside of driving 60 miles to the city.

 

I think you dilemma is your location. I think the lack of diversity is part of your problem. Your profile is simple but fine to me. I wouldn't be surprised if your dating pool for your area is very small and many women probably see your location, see it is too far and don't bother.

 

I admire your generosity of taking care of your mother which puts a feather in your cap as far as I'm concerned. Unfortunately, your location is probably holding you back.

[christwowheels]

Dating sites didn't really work out for me either but I do know that some people have had success there. I think there are a few keys to not letting them drive you crazy. One is to remember that it's okay if they're not your thing, so if they don't work out, it's not that you're a bad person or that you're unlovable, it's just that it isn't the venue for you, and keep trying to find a venue that puts you and people with whom you might have a mutual interest in close proximity.

 

Another is that you can't take it personally when someone doesn't respond to your messages. It's true that women get more messages, but women as well as men ought not be judged for avoiding awkward messaging with people who simply don't fit their qualifications. Now I'll be the first person to say that people need to broaden their base of matches and be more open to people who they maybe would have discounted in "real life." Sometimes people do get too deterministic. There's many a woman who thinks she's going to get a man who is highly successful and within a few years of her...and while those men do exist, there aren't enough to go around, so the women are going to have to either go older, make their standards more attainable, or be lonely.

 

That said, the great strength of dating sites is that, ideally, if everyone is conscientious in their writing and reading of profiles, you can more easily "find what you want" if it in fact exists. More importantly, you can quickly get answers to what would be awkward questions to ask a single person you just met in the grocery store, such as whether they have or want kids.

 

That also, by the way, is part of why it's logical for people to avoid responding to people who have made different decisions when it comes to very basic life choices such as children.

 

Ultimately, you can't control what other people do...all you can control is yourself. So if you're going to do online dating, commit to doing it well, make a good profile, and read the profiles of your matches each day, and respond to the ones you think there would potentially be a real connection with, but don't expect anything. Just think of it as an exercise of putting yourself out there that may or may not pay off. And if you get to the point where it's wearing you down mentally or emotionally, and you just want to stop using the sites, then stop. No harm done. Try something else. Online dating sites weren't for me, and so I quit. I ended up finding my GF not long after--and I'm not saying you'll have the same thing happen to you because truthfully I did get very lucky--but the point is, if it really is like hitting your head against the wall, stop. Do something you enjoy, make yourself as happy as you can by yourself, and with luck, a woman with something in common with you will notice you and be attracted to you.

 

One final thing about online dating, I personally believe that if you use a paid online dating service, you'll have a better chance of getting people to respond to you. Now that may not lead to anything serious, but at least when people shell out a fee for a service, you know they're serious about looking for someone and have some "skin in the game."

[christwowheels]

I agree that this is an issue too. While some of us are amenable to long distance relationships, many people aren't, and some won't even drive more than 5-10 miles to date someone. Are they limiting themselves by that? Sure, but that's their right. There's a fairly established pattern of young people moving to larger cities early in their careers, and then finding a partner there, and once they get married, moving to the suburbs or the exurbs or even a rural area. Partly this is because of where the jobs and cheap apartments are, but it also helps when it comes to dating. At some point, you may need to go where the women are.

 

I think you dilemma is your location. I think the lack of diversity is part of your problem. Your profile is simple but fine to me. I wouldn't be surprised if your dating pool for your area is very small and many women probably see your location, see it is too far and don't bother.

 

I admire your generosity of taking care of your mother which puts a feather in your cap as far as I'm concerned. Unfortunately, your location is probably holding you back.

[bulletproof]

I think there are a few things you could do to improve the situation.

 

I think first off, the pictures on your profile are okay, but not amazing. Especially the standing-up selfie- not so good. Consider getting a friend to take some really good photos of you. Try to look happy in them. Or show yourself actually doing something.

 

Secondly, it sounds like you take yourself very seriously. Your narrative is fine, it's just not very playful or fun. It's actually quite earnest, which isn't bad, but maybe you need to balance it with at least one witty remark here or there.

 

Finally, while your town is small, out of curiosity I looked it up. There are many meetups within 25 miles that you could join. There are volunteer opportunities. There are sports. There are opportunities to get involved with town and community issues. Don't rely solely on internet dating, and don't waste your time being angry that you're not getting the responses you want. There are way better ways to spend your energy. And Pittsburgh is only an hour away. Isn't an hour worth it to find someone?

[Rosti87]

An hour commute is a 2-way street. The person on the other end has to be willing and able as well.

[Willywagtail]

I've been on dating sites too, unsuccessfully. I don't agree that women get more messages - I never did!!

 

I suspect that the 'average' guy or gal in there 20s or 30s is the type of person that gets lots of hits. Anyone that's slightly different is by and large avoided.

 

Bulletproof has done their research. I agree, a couple of good photos will work, rather than many. In terms of your profile, I would change the word 'homebody'. It doesn't sound appealing. Keep the narrative light, again in many ways, the less said the better. Leave something to the imagination, as the 'hook'.

 

I really wish you luck!

[sentiententity]

Took me like 4 years on dating sites before i found someone. I also live out in the boondocks.

[Ms Darcy]

Two problems - you live in the boonies and your pictures are not of the best quality.

 

I think if you were living in a bigger city, using multiple avenues to get dates, and posting better pictures, you would have a lot more luck.

[Sam _]

I quite literally have no friends here. All of my friends live on the other side of the country. The first two years I was here, I worked literally every day from 7am to 9pm to ensure I can afford my bills and support my mother. Got promoted into management and am actually only recently able to go out and meet people. I do take myself seriously but I'm extremely laid back, but it is impossible for me to show that on these things. I also have a very hard time showing "I'm funny and playful!" when I'm talking to a computer, it's easier when I'm talking to a person because there's actually some context there. In all honesty, I actually have no desire to meet friends either.

 

I also don't have many interests either, and certainly not from a lack of trying. Sports? Boring as all hell, all of them. Reading, movies, and TV? Video games trumps all of them in every way; it is extremely rare for me to find anything of the three I actually like more than I like just making fun of and mocking it. Hiking, white water rafting, etc? Tried a lot of those things; they're not fun for me. I have looked and the only sites I found was link removed and there was, once again, nothing closer than 25 miles from me. Could you cite the page for me?

 

 

 

 

I'm not to sure what to change it to, though. They're all either very unappealing or don't suit me at all, it's all a preset list to pick from. The ones that suit me best:

Homebody... I prefer being home than going out, I see no reason why this is bad.

Gamer... There's the idiotic belief in a lot of girls that find gaming to be a childish hobby and avoid guys based on that.

Intellectual... Will sound snobbish. While I consider myself to be an intellectual, it seems like people find it a bad thing to state you are.

Geek... Being passionate about gaming, comics, intellectual pursuits, etc; all somehow have negative connotations for some idiotic reason.

 

There's also "Free Thinker" but I don't know about that one, either.

 

 

Well I don't know what to do about either situation, and I'd rather not think that I might as well consider myself "forever alone" unless I move. There aren't any avenues outside of the internet where I live... unless you consider bible studies, which is all I can find and that will obviously not end well with me being atheistic since I will obviously not have any interest in the subject. I also don't have any way to take better pictures; I can be told to have a friend do it but, as mentioned above, I've literally got no friends here and nothing around here interests me at all.

[Rosti87]

If you have to remain where you are for a while then you may have to stretch yourself. You will have to look for prospects an hour or two away from you and get in your car and roll. You probably have to stretch beyond your 'homebody' status and try more social activities than gaming (comic clubs or comic communities that get together and meet). Because of your location you have to put in more work.

 

Is your mother too disabled to take your picture? Could you go to a local photographer and get a head shot?

 

It is time to think outside the box or you can continue to allow your situation to dictate your fate.

[bulletproof]

An hour commute is a 2-way street. The person on the other end has to be willing and able as well.

 

That's fine. The only way to find someone willing to do that is to be also be willing. They could also meet in the middle. It's not that big of a deal.

[bulletproof]

Considering this is how you sum yourself up here, I can see why you're having trouble getting dates. You just sound negative, depressed, and angry.

If you're not willing to drive 25 minutes to an hour to meet somebody, than I guess you will just be alone.

 

Basically, what you're telling a potential date is: "I have no friends and no desire to have any, so you will be my sole source of friendship and entertainment. I don't want to leave the house or try anything new. I find most things either boring or mockable."

 

Sorry, that sounds like a nightmare.

[Rosti87]

That's fine. The only way to find someone willing to do that is to be also be willing. They could also meet in the middle. It's not that big of a deal.

Agreed. It will need to be a 2 way street.

[Ms Darcy]

Considering this is how you sum yourself up here, I can see why you're having trouble getting dates. You just sound negative, depressed, and angry.

If you're not willing to drive 25 minutes to an hour to meet somebody, than I guess you will just be alone.

 

Basically, what you're telling a potential date is: "I have no friends and no desire to have any, so you will be my sole source of friendship and entertainment. I don't want to leave the house or try anything new. I find most things either boring or mockable."

 

Sorry, that sounds like a nightmare.

 

I agree. That sounds like a depressed, cynical, inactive, and uninteresting guy and not someone I would want to date.

[Sam _]

Considering this is how you sum yourself up here, I can see why you're having trouble getting dates. You just sound negative, depressed, and angry.

If you're not willing to drive 25 minutes to an hour to meet somebody, than I guess you will just be alone.

 

Basically, what you're telling a potential date is have no friends and no desire to have any, so you will be my sole source of friendship and entertainment. I don't want to leave the house or try anything new. I find most things either boring or mockable."

 

Sorry, that sounds like a nightmare.

 

Your summarization of what I said completely misrepresents what I said. A lot of what is on TV is simply bad, the same with a lot of movies out there. There are very few examples of TV shows and movies that I find entertaining enough to watch regularly or at all. When I get stuck watching something I find boring or to be utter crap, I find entertainment in simply making fun of the movie and the characters. Finding comedy or amusement in something you dislike overall is far from negative; it's not a bad thing to make fun of a character who should obviously know there is a killer in her house and yet blatantly calls attention to herself because the plot demands it. As for books, I simply cannot get into reading outside of educational, non-fiction literature. I also never said I don't ever want to leave the house or that I'm unwilling to try anything new, and nothing I said says the woman I'm dating is going to be my only friend and entertainment.

 

I also never said I didn't have friends, I said "I have no friends that live here". I've got friends throughout the country and we all very frequently get together online. Me not having any desire not to make new friends also doesn't mean I am not willing to make new friends. I simply feel no need to go seek out new friends when I have more than enough to keep me occupied and having fun. Especially when taking into consideration that there is nothing to do around here. That isn't depressed, it is being happy with what you have.

 

I never said I wasn't willing to drive 25 minutes to meet someone. I said I'm not willing to drive that far when there are no social gatherings to drive to just to waste my time. I need a reason to drive that far; a date or an actual social gathering is a reason, but (example) going to a bar in Pittsburgh because "maybe I'll meet a woman there" isn't anything but a waste of time. I'm willing to have a relationship with someone that lives a maximum of 150 miles away and am fine with visiting regularly (roughly twice a month or so if she is actually 150 miles away); this does not mean I am willing to drive 150 miles just to meet women. This is far from an unreasonable statement to make, as literally anyone that isn't completely bonkers in desperation would say the exact same thing.

 

I have searched for social gatherings and even gone into the nearby towns and asked around if they knew of any fun groups or clubs. Literally everyone just laughs and says exactly what I've already said "outside of getting drunk or church, no". And the city is far more than just half an hour's drive; it's a good 90 minutes and that's not including traffic. On a side note, I like how I requested you tell me the site you saw the gatherings on so I can take a look under the assumption that maybe I overlooked a better site than the rather empty "link removed", but instead get told I'm depressed and angry.

 

I agree. That sounds like a depressed, cynical, inactive, and uninteresting guy and not someone I would want to date.

 

It sounds like that even though nothing about it shows signs of depression or cynicism, nor does it imply inactivity or lack of an interesting personality. When people assume it does, I generally mark it as the person either is deliberately misinterpreting what I said or simply skimmed and didn't read. I said I found most TV shows boring; that isn't cynicism, this is fact. Very few good shows are on TV; show me how many shows like Breaking Bad, Walking Dead, or even Game of Thrones that come close to any one of them. There are next to none, as most are very poorly done sitcoms or reality shows, I don't even need to say anything about that. Wanting to have an intelligent or entertaining story rather than watching what does little more than make me feel dumber for watching isn't depressing or cynical, it's simply having a decent set of standards.

 

Also, saying I prefer staying home to going out is not the same as being inactive and certainly doesn't paint someone as uninteresting. So I prefer watching a movie at home than spending triple the price at a movie theatre? I stated I tried a lot of things from hiking to white water rafting, those didn't interest me. I never said I'm unwilling to try new things; I'm still open to skydiving, hang-gliding (grammar?), and things of that sort but those are a bit too expensive for me currently.

 

And I'm sure someone is going to turn around and say "you said you weren't angry, but you're awfully angry and defensive". I'm actually very calm right now; stating why someone is incorrect or even outright wrong is not the same as being angry or defensive. I'm simply a very blunt and straightforward person and that often gets misinterpreted for whatever reason. I generally don't joke around when I see nothing to joke around about; I seem very serious at times but ,if you were to watch me for a day, you'll find me laughing very frequently throughout the day and on any day of the week regardless of where I'm at.

[bulletproof]

Your summarization of what I said completely misrepresents what I said.

 

Actually, those were your words. So despite your very long argument, I would still stand by my words, which are actually...your words.

 

There are posts like yours on here all the time; you ask for help, then argue with everyone about why the advice offered won't work. So if you're happy as things are, by all means keep doing the same thing. But expect the same results as well.

[Sam _]

Actually, those were your words. So despite your very long argument, I would still stand by my words, which are actually...your words.

 

Those were your words, not mine. If you honestly think that's what I said, you really need to reread what I actually wrote. I also am not arguing, I'm stating facts and plainly explaining why you're wrong. Feel free to stand by what you claimed I say, but do know that you're lacking basic reading comprehension skills if you think that, for example, "I don't have friends in my area" means "I have no friends at all".

 

There are posts like yours on here all the time; you ask for help, then argue with everyone about why the advice offered won't work. So if you're happy as things are, by all means keep doing the same thing. But expect the same results as well.

 

Get over yourself; you're clearly only looking for a reason to get on your high horse now. I didn't at any point say your advice wouldn't work.

 

Your advice: Have friends take pics of you, no selfies. I stated none of my friends live in my state and you make the assumption I have no friends. I say I don't feel the need to make new friends, which you claim I'm basically anti-social and want my girlfriend to be my only friend.

 

Your advice: Go to social gatherings... after I stated I couldn't find any that had more than a handful of people going at most if any at all. You claim you saw several, I asked for the link so I can check them out and you instead say "you're depressing, cynical, and angry so you're going to be lonely!".

[bulletproof]

I also am not arguing, I'm stating facts and plainly explaining why you're wrong.

 

Right. "Stating facts and plainly explaining why you're wrong" is not arguing at all.

 

Okay, good luck in your search!

[Sam _]

When it is obvious to anyone that can read that I am right, then that means there is no argument needed to be made on my part because anything I'll be saying is factual. Then again, I can't expect you to think logically at this point because you've made it clear you lack this capacity. Like I said before, get over yourself. If you think you were being helpful, then you seriously need to simply learn to be quiet because you clearly do not know how to competently give or discuss advice.

[musicman777]

Hello Sam,

I am a guy the same age as you and I wanted to add in on your dating site luck because I've played the online dating game before. First of all, there is nothing wrong with you. I'm a straight guy but I looked at your POF profile and I have to say you are not a bad looking guy by any means, I don't see why any women wouldn't want to date you. You are among gamers because I also spotted the N7 jacket! I agree with others, the pictures could use some work, but they're not the worst I've seen. Your profile is reasonable and has everything anyone should need to know about you. But that is all beyond the point.

Let me tell you something I've said on here a thousand times before. Dating sites are a massive gimmick. The sole purpose they exist is to take your money, even the free ones. Nothing more, nothing less. They are a lucrative, multi-billion dollar business that leeches off people who just want to find that special someone, and they use cheap advertising tricks to do it. Do they work for some people? Yes. But the majority case is they suck. Here is the truth about dating websites and why you fail from my own experience:

1) most accounts are inactive or are fake - this is especially true on the paid sites. They want to make their sites look like they have as many members as possible.

2) There is an uneven girl/guy ratio - There are upwards of 10 girls to 1 guy. You may message a decent looking girl, but that same day they will get 10-15 other messages in their inbox as well. Good odds, huh?

3) Women on dating sites have an ego - not all of them do, and I'm sure guys do as well. But many of them have an ego with incredibly high, unrealistic standards in the dating game.

4) Dating sites are better for the older crowd - you mentioned you've been on these sites for four years? I tried them when I was around 21 as well, and never went back. The thing is, dating sites, they are better suited for the older crowd. Where most girls in their early 20's probably don't want to settle down, women in their 30's are much more mature and open to dating different types of men. Trust me on this one. I think you are a bit young even at 25 to utilize dating sites because people our age are mostly fruitcakes on those websites.

 

So what should you do now? Well, I've read some of your other replies and I have some advice for you. You said you don't like sports or anything, you are unwilling to really try new things, and you are mostly a gamer. Well as awesome as space operas are, Commander Shepard isn't gonna help you get a girlfriend! I know games are awesome, and by no means do you have to quit playing them, but you have to be open to doing other things in life if you want to meet women. I think you need to ditch the dating sites and build a bigger social life. The more people you know, the better your odds. And don't just look for women, make male friends as well, they may even know someone you can date. Guys always look out for other guys, even older guys make friends with.

I am into karate, I have been doing it for almost 15 years now. Would you ever be interested in that sport? Let me tell you that I have seen at least three men (two not even good looking) I know get married to beautiful women they met in the karate dojo. I almost dated a couple girls there myself! Maybe you don't like karate, but that is just one example of something you can get into that can build your social network. The more people you know and the more you get out of the house, the more likely it is you will meet a girl, and meeting someone in person is much more magical than looking at pictures of them on a stupid dating site. If you don't like that, there are other sports, social groups that play volleyball, basketball, try to join a coed sport even if you suck at it.

 

Come spring, I am going to try to get into different activities besides the karate for myself. I'm going to try a yoga class because that is a place full of beautiful women! I may try some other activities too, maybe even dancing. Yes, most straight guys don't want to do these things, but it's also grounds where many women who have a healthy lifestyle hang out. People may laugh at me for trying but it may also work. The point is, make a bold move and break away from the computer screen. It sounds like the dating sites are bringing you down and I can tell you now that they are full of crap. You may find someone immediately if you change your strategy a bit (but don't get bummed out if you do, joining social groups takes time and people have to get to know you first). I also see you are a Pennsylvania resident, I too am. I know PA; crappy weather, crappy roads, and long drives to do anything fun or go anywhere. But sometimes you gotta make the effort if you want to change this part of your life.

 

Good luck and let us know if you have any luck out there! Hackett out!

 

I'm sorry couldn't resist saying it after the N7 jacket..