iLemonade Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Hey there! My BF broke up with me about 2 weeks ago appealing to the need for personal time for himself and career. He has very intensive job that takes about 15h a day, has to travel quite a lot and currently faced family issues, moving to a new location and health problems. So I guess a lot piled up. In turn I had a similar month of ex threatening for suicide and brainwashing me on daily basis, of course i tried to reach for my bf at a time. All that combined put enormous pressure on our relationships, he said he could not have it any longer, i need time he cannot offer and our future is doomed (we would meet twice a month) so there is no need to pursue it. Career was in priority way before we met. And understand his point but not agree with it. I could see the last month he was really considering what to do and eventually it was too much so he gave up. I am obviously really hurt because i believe i behaved as a usual human being would do and was not too needy but rather tried to offer help, probably that was my mistake. We would probably meet during the weekend to talk it over but he is pretty determined. All I want to do is to show him i do not need him 24/7 and that if he needs space for his job and stuff i am glad to offer it. I understand these are not the normal relationships i can get with such a person but i want to give it another try. Anything can be done to comfort an analytical careerist and keep some place in his life? Link to comment
Clinton Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 No, hes made his choice so you need to move on. People just don't dump someone because they have hectic jobs. Take this as a sign he didn't care for you as much as you cared for him. Move on, heal, and look for someone more suitable Link to comment
Mischa234 Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 He doesn't want a relationship because he wants to divert his energy elsewhere and he knows from recent experience that he doesn't have the energy to deal with the normal ups and downs relationships go through. It's really impractical to hang on to him... Do you know you can find someone who can actually give you time, affection and long term commitment? Wouldn't that be better? There can't be anything so amazing about someone that you must hang on to them when they don't actually want to be there and be committed. There are plenty of guys out there who do want to spend time with a woman and do want to do all those normal relationship things, and who also have a great future ahead of them also. It doesn't sound like much of a relationship so I don't know why you'd want to be a piece of furniture in his life. Find someone who will make you a priority, as anything less than that is not worth your time. Link to comment
daddids Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 He obviously is a career man before he is a partner and that is a choice you must accept. Nothing you can do will make things any better, he has a very demanding lifestyle/career and there seems to be no more for a solid relationship at the moment. Respect that and love him without being with him, if his life changes and he wants/can be with you, he will make contact on his own. Link to comment
iLemonade Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 Thank you for replies! I guess what makes me hang on him is that i truly believe we had great time together and understand each other, we're similar to a large extend. I found in him what i was looking for in a man and I do not need a baby sitter or overly present bf. My previous relationships failed cause there was just too much of my ex, too many emotions from his side and demands. I am myself not too settled in my life and perhaps would switch jobs at a later point and/or move abroad (not too far within Europe). Why i agreed to date is actually cause i thought our lives are so 'international' so we fit each other, except I work less atm. If that makes sense. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 You are failing to see...he doesn't want to stay in the relationship. He doesn't want.to date long distance and he hasn't invited you to join him. You guys are not destined to remain a couple. Link to comment
iLemonade Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 You are failing to see...he doesn't want to stay in the relationship. He doesn't want.to date long distance and he hasn't invited you to join him. You guys are not destined to remain a couple. Perhaps you are right, although 2h is not a long distance. Anyhow a very valid point I am afraid to admit. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 He doesn't have he time nor the desire to deal with a relationship. In addition to family, health and moving...being in a relationship isn't even in the top 5 of his priority list. Link to comment
iLemonade Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 Now as you listed it, indeed i am not in top 5 yey! So sad but true xS Not to mention that right after break up i offered to take some time and give each other space, solve the problems on our own. The reply was that anyway i would not solve the issue of 'no future'. Apparently my feelings drive me to do something about it and i am a problem solver so if there is anything wrong i am willing to repair and give it another try unless the feelings are gone. That is something that annoys and dis-balances me, that he sets me aside and does not let to try. But i could see how painful it was for him: "Can you let me be, I just realized I cannot have relationships". Link to comment
DancingFool Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 The way I look at it is that all kinds of busy career people have time for relationships, marriage, family, kids, etc. So when someone tells you they don't have time for a relationship because they are so gosh darn busy, it's a polite, but really asinine way of telling you that they no longer want to be with you. A soft break up if you will, except it's the kind of a break up that really leaves the other person hanging on to hope that some time down the road..... except that the dumpers intent is to actually just get out. I'm really busy is just another variation of the it's not you it's me. So regardless of how you saw him as being highly compatible, for whatever reason he didn't see/feel same. Once you recognize that, it becomes so much easier to remove yourself from that hook of hope and move on to better relationships. Link to comment
iLemonade Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 Haha 'it is not you, it is me' was also there. Thanks for the insight. Previously i have never dealt with THAT busy people. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 I agree with this (in part because my husband and I were long distance when we were dating and both had crazy careers -and we were crazy about each other so we made it work). I know it's disappointing but please stop trying to "convince" him to be with you - the only time you have to convince in a relationship are those rare times when you've screwed up and you have to work your way back to the person accepting your apology/trusting you again. But never try to convince someone to be in a relationship with you - it might last short term but only short term. I wouldn't stay in contact either - if he misses you that much he knows where to find you and the worst thing would be if you stay in contact and see that he's dating other people. Spare yourself the stomach ache. Link to comment
iLemonade Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 Yes, i know, i was in long distance for about 3-4 years before with my ex but it was a different stage of life (studying, ect). I am just not sure if i screwed up because i asked for attention and did not always listen to him saying he is busy/tired. I am trying to maintain some kind of contact now but given low response rate i slowly start realizing this is not worth my effort. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 He doesn't want to stay in contact. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Yes, i know, i was in long distance for about 3-4 years before with my ex but it was a different stage of life (studying, ect). I am just not sure if i screwed up because i asked for attention and did not always listen to him saying he is busy/tired. I am trying to maintain some kind of contact now but given low response rate i slowly start realizing this is not worth my effort. I would not maintain contact. He's told you how he feels. Contact is a turn-off (if there is any chance of him changing his mind, he has to have the space and time to miss you). He may have found you to be too needy - not a "screw up" but perhaps something to learn from for next time. I even watch myself in my marriage so that I am not too needy especially when my husband is busy/tired. I also make sure I have a number of close friends/family to talk to when I feel that way -that helps a lot. Link to comment
iLemonade Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 I would not maintain contact. He's told you how he feels. Contact is a turn-off (if there is any chance of him changing his mind, he has to have the space and time to miss you). He may have found you to be too needy - not a "screw up" but perhaps something to learn from for next time. I even watch myself in my marriage so that I am not too needy especially when my husband is busy/tired. I also make sure I have a number of close friends/family to talk to when I feel that way -that helps a lot. Thank you, it is indeed a lesson. Apparently needy has different weight in our worlds. I guess it is a sign to focus on myself and my job while setting men aside. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Yes, i know, i was in long distance for about 3-4 years before with my ex but it was a different stage of life (studying, ect). I am just not sure if i screwed up because i asked for attention and did not always listen to him saying he is busy/tired. I am trying to maintain some kind of contact now but given low response rate i slowly start realizing this is not worth my effort. Please stop contacting him. He dumped you supposedly because you need more than he can give you in terms of attention. You continuing to contact him is actually reinforcing the fact that you need what he doesn't want to give you. Every contact says "pay attention to me, don't forget me". You are are just driving the final nail in the coffin and proving it right in his mind that you are indeed too needy. No more contact. Focus on you and move on. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Thank you, it is indeed a lesson. Apparently needy has different weight in our worlds. I guess it is a sign to focus on myself and my job while setting men aside. No way. It's time to focus on giving to others (and on learning how to give to others in a way that works for them - and sometimes that means giving space) and resist the urge to over analyze what went wrong here. If you don't feel like dating right now, don't but I don't think you need more inner focus. Focus on your job -sure, that cannot hurt especially if it helps you progress professionally. Link to comment
iLemonade Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 Please stop contacting him. He dumped you supposedly because you need more than he can give you in terms of attention. You continuing to contact him is actually reinforcing the fact that you need what he doesn't want to give you. Every contact says "pay attention to me, don't forget me". You are are just driving the final nail in the coffin and proving it right in his mind that you are indeed too needy. No more contact. Focus on you and move on. Well it was twice during 2 weeks, mostly during the first day after breakup cause i completely freaked out. You're right, no more contact. I have already placed myself in any possible activity I can think of to get over it. Link to comment
iLemonade Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 No way. It's time to focus on giving to others (and on learning how to give to others in a way that works for them - and sometimes that means giving space) and resist the urge to over analyze what went wrong here. If you don't feel like dating right now, don't but I don't think you need more inner focus. Focus on your job -sure, that cannot hurt especially if it helps you progress professionally. Good point. If that is still possible with that particular man I am very motivated to do so. Hope i did not scare him again with 1 message in 4 days. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 It has nothing to do with "scaring" him. He already stated he cannot give you the time/attention you want, and your contact proved him right (in HIS mind). Nothing "scary" there. Right now you want him, but trust me, when you meet the man who gives you the right amount of time and attention for you, you'll wonder why you thought you wanted this guy. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Good point. If that is still possible with that particular man I am very motivated to do so. Hope i did not scare him again with 1 message in 4 days. You mean the man you referred to in your first post? I think it would be a waste of time to continue to pursue him. I would start fresh with someone new. Link to comment
iLemonade Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 It has nothing to do with "scaring" him. He already stated he cannot give you the time/attention you want, and your contact proved him right (in HIS mind). Nothing "scary" there. Right now you want him, but trust me, when you meet the man who gives you the right amount of time and attention for you, you'll wonder why you thought you wanted this guy. We always want what we cannot get, right? and that no just gets me more excited and determined to change whatever that is needed. Not so smart of me Bummer, i thought if i would have kept texting daily it would prove something in his mind. After all it is hard to switch from texts and voice messages daily to nothingness. Link to comment
iLemonade Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 You mean the man you referred to in your first post? I think it would be a waste of time to continue to pursue him. I would start fresh with someone new. Thank you for your help and honest opinion. The problem is that i cannot forgive myself if i do nothing, that is just against my personality, principles, whatever. On the other hand i do not what to beg or plead. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 We always want what we cannot get, right? and that no just gets me more excited and determined to change whatever that is needed. Not so smart of me Bummer, i thought if i would have kept texting daily it would prove something in his mind. After all it is hard to switch from texts and voice messages daily to nothingness. Exercise in futility. I don't know why you think you can change someone else's feelings. Has anyone ever changed yours? All continuing to contact him will do is reinforce his perception of you as needy and requiring too much of his time. If you persist you may end up with him firmly telling you to leave him alone...or worse. Link to comment
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