BF broke up to pursue career

[iLemonade]

Exercise in futility. I don't know why you think you can change someone else's feelings. Has anyone ever changed yours?

 

All continuing to contact him will do is reinforce his perception of you as needy and requiring too much of his time. If you persist you may end up with him firmly telling you to leave him alone...or worse.

 

In fact yes, i had a couple of get together with my ex before so i do believe that is possible once a person admits and works on the problem.

 

Ok, in that case i pull back, although we agreed to stay in touch and in friendly terms.

[boltnrun]

In fact yes, i had a couple of get together with my ex before so i do believe that is possible once a person admits and works on the problem.

 

Ok, in that case i pull back, although we agreed to stay in touch and in friendly terms.

 

Has he told you he has a "problem"? Or is that you projecting onto him what you want the situation to be?

 

During these "get togethers", did he ever say he made a mistake and wants to reconcile with you?

 

Look, you can't view people's feelings and wants as "problems" to be solved. It doesn't work that way. You can't make a person do what you want them to do and you can't make them want what you want. He has free will and will do what makes the most sense to HIM...not to you. He's under no obligation to see the breakup or his desire to focus on his career as a "problem" to be solved.

[mhowe]

Thank you for your help and honest opinion. The problem is that i cannot forgive myself if i do nothing, that is just against my personality, principles, whatever. On the other hand i do not what to beg or plead.

 

Simply by texting, calling or leaving VMS...you are beggi g and pleading g for his attention. He has made it clear and has even said "why can't you just accept this". You are bent on proving to him that breaking up with you was a wise decision.

[sadchick83]

Anyone giving you the "work" excuse is full of BS. My sister's now ex husband gave her the "work" excuse, and so did his mother via a letter from the UK, about 3 months after they were married. Turns out a few weeks after moving to the US he met a girl in the office, impregnated her and married her shortly after what would have been my sisters 1st wedding anniversary. Don't blame yourself. For whatever reason they have their issues. Move on and be strong.

[iLemonade]

Has he told you he has a "problem"? Or is that you projecting onto him what you want the situation to be?

 

During these "get togethers", did he ever say he made a mistake and wants to reconcile with you?

 

Look, you can't view people's feelings and wants as "problems" to be solved. It doesn't work that way. You can't make a person do what you want them to do and you can't make them want what you want. He has free will and will do what makes the most sense to HIM...not to you. He's under no obligation to see the breakup or his desire to focus on his career as a "problem" to be solved.

 

I am afraid there was a mistunderstanding. I was referring to another person with whom i worked on problems and reunited to break up in 4 years. Certainly I do not treat other person's feelings and desires as problems, what i meant is if he needs more time off chatting with me due to change in personal situation and that is an issue i can do that and fully understand. He is just afraid there wont be any time in near future for relationships as it used to be.

[mhowe]

Space is not going to solve the problem that he doesn't see a future with you.

[Tanzi]

There's nothing in your relationship that couldn't have been talked through and worked on if he had been willing. For your own sake stop trying to complicate what is actually quite simple.

 

Bummer, i thought if i would have kept texting daily it would prove something in his mind. After all it is hard to switch from texts and voice messages daily to nothingness.

 

All it would prove was that he was right in the first place and that he cannot (and does not want to) give you what you want .... as well as frustrating the hell out of him that you can't give him the space he has said he wants.

 

In fact yes, i had a couple of get together with my ex before so i do believe that is possible once a person admits and works on the problem.

 

You can only get back together with someone if it is what they want too .... regardless of whether they have worked on their problems.

 

That being said, I don't see that he has any problems. He is making the choices to do all the things he wants to do. I apologise in advance at how harsh this may sound but the only problem he had was the LDR he was involved in that wasn't offering him anything and he has now dealt with that.

 

 

The problem is that i cannot forgive myself if i do nothing, that is just against my personality, principles, whatever. On the other hand i do not what to beg or plead.

 

You have to give up at some point otherwise you will drive the poor man insane. This isn't just about you and your principles (not sure what you principles are on this to be honest), it is also about your ex and what he wants.

[Tanzi]

He is just afraid there wont be any time in near future for relationships as it used to be.

 

He isn't "afraid" of anything. If you want something badly enough you'll do anything to have it/achieve it/keep it. It is far more simpler than that ... he just doesn't want it.

[iLemonade]

That indeed sounds harsh given that you know nothing about the relationships themselves and what they/I give. I will stop bothering him of course

[Ms Darcy]

Sorry you are going through a hard time. I think you have done a great job given the circumstances and I wish you luck in letting him go.

[Tanzi]

That indeed sounds harsh given that you know nothing about the relationships themselves and what they/I give. I will stop bothering him of course

 

I'm sorry if I offended you. I meant it in the sense that it was an LDR and it took it's toll on him along with everything else. I don't doubt for one second that it was really good for a while but in the end it wasn't enough for him to want to keep it up. Perhaps I could have worded it better

 

And you're right, I don't know your relationship (or anyone's relationship on ENA for that matter). All we ever have to go on are a few paragraphs. What is said in those paragraphs, though, can be quite significant ... especially to those of us on the outside. What your ex said about "not wanting to do it anymore" or "there's no hope for the future" (or words to that affect) are quite significant. As i said above when we want something badly enough we are prepared to make anything work - against any odds. When someone stops making an effort or they stop seeing a future in the relationship it is because they have stopped wanting to.

 

Nevertheless,, what seems blatant to us on the outside ends up meaning something quite different to you (and that is by no means on slur on you, we are all capable of doing this ... as I have done myself). We rehash over their words and play things back in our minds trying to see if there is a glimmer of hope that what they really meant was .......

 

Therefore if we change this bit here, tweak that bit there it can work again. We don't see their words "its over" as actually meaning "its over". That is what I meant by complicating something that is much more simple and again we are ALL capable of doing that.

 

At some point, however, we just have to accept what IS, not what COULD be if ......