what goes around comes back around I suppose

[jayomara1]

so basically my first time in love.. I'm gay.. Came out when I was 17 it was difficult.. Had many ups and downs since coming out it is completely drama world. So basically I met this guy once at work from the moment we clicked I knew it I had never had these feelings before but I knew something was there.

 

Time went by we started dating, to be honest everything was a bit of a rush before we knew it we was living together... After a few months the novelty where's off.. A lot of partying was involved a lot of drug use and it didn't really help the situation.. With drug use comes paranoia and bearing that in mind in a gay relationship when your both on the scene took its toll massively.. Moving on we was both paranoid everything we did was together.. But still I loved him with all my heart I could never imagine life without him I thought he was the bees knees.

 

We would quite often split up we would fight like fist fights things would get broken things would get smashed it was horrible there was so much rage but still we kiss we made up and I couldn't be without him it was like a circle we was stuck in.. This would happen every week at least each time it got worse and I'd say at least every 3 months I would be running back And forward between his and my mums house because we had split up.. Then I would go running back to him.

 

He wasn't exactly the romantic type.. He wouldn't meet in the middle we never did anything together except gather up debt argue but still I loved him I felt like he was the only one in the world... I was never getting no attention he would never take me out I'd try I really would I'd suggest things to do to help bond but he never wanted to meet in the middle to help compromise but always promised me that everything will be ok forever hugging him felt like nothing else in the world but still this mess? Confusion! So anyway comes along this guy I know from a local gay bar ive known him longer than ive know. My ex and we get chatting.

 

I haven't really opened up to anyone about things that had gone on and the trauma from the relationship but talking to him I opened up more and more until he knew the whole lot of the relationship I got into a habit of deleting messages from him just so that my ex wouldn't see.. He was eventually asking me to leave my ex and promising me that everything was going to be ok months and months and months of this... And I was attracted to it? Lust I guess? Not love I could never love that and you will find out soon.

 

I was lost in the attention of someone else they was promising me a future happiness he had everything good job good looks... And when he said something I believed it... I got sucked in until eventually I left my ex for the current person.. I couldn't do it no more I felt like I deserved better.. I felt like the grass was going to be greener on the other side! my ex was furious ! Which is understandable I would be too I'd be heartbroken but I felt like he didn't deserve ME I mean every time we split up I was the one going running back to him constantly.

 

I was the one making all the effort bringing in the money trying for us to have nice things... I can understand him being angry anyone would be... I was still sad... So I was laying in bed with the new lad... Whilst i was thinking about my ex... This can't be right I kept my thinking to myself why am I doing this... I miss him this doesn't feel right I want him I need him... So I'd get home (back to my mums) and I would text my ex expressing how much I loved him begging him to take me back asking for forgiveness he was having none of it he didn't want me I'd hurt him too much.

 

He then screenshotted the messages I had sent to him.. And sent them to the new lad that I was talking too.. So you can imagine the reaction of the new lad? Yeah wasn't so happy... My worst nightmare had happened? The pair of them teamed up... Telling me to go hang myself .. Telling me I had no one telling me this is what I deserve for playing to lads of against each other posting personal pictures on twitter doing everything they could in there power to ruin me... I didn't play 2 lads... I was so lost in ones attention that I wasn't paying attention.

 

I was scared of being lonely and if one didn't want me I felt like I had to go to the other .. That's unfair right? I can see the bad in it im guilty im aware of that but I'm human I can't help feelings.

 

So now moral of the story they are going on a date together! I'm guessing this is my karma? But in a way I feel like I don't deserve this my emotions got the better of me and I didn't know who to run too... They are now saying the player got played I feel so low... I feel like I have no one ... I feel ashamed... I have guilt.... I just want it to go away I keep thinking to myself will I ever love again? And I'm a big believer in the saying everything happens for a reason? Does it? Do you need to go through things like this in life to get where you need to be? Do you go so low you come right back up? Did I really love my first love to do what I did? So many different questions running through my had that I'm finding IT hard to concentrate.

 

Jay

[Capricorn3]

Can you edit your post into readable paragraphs please?

[jayomara1]

I have spaced it