SugarKayne Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I'm new here so hello.. I don't like to tell my friends n family my dating issues but I'm feeling so lost I need someone to talk to. Hopefully I can get some advice from people who can relate. A little background, I've been seeing this guy for a year and a half now. I left an abusive relationship after 15 years together. I waited 2 years to start dating. I had a crush on this guy for so long but never acted on it until someone introduced us. He too had just left a long term relationship except his was more recent. So we started off very slow. We went from talking every few days to talking every day multiple times a day. Sometimes he called so much it got annoying lol we started seeing each other on a consistent basis every weekend. I've met most of his friends, he's met mine, my kids, my sister but I've never met any of his family. We exchanged gifts on Christmas, we have been intimate only a handful of times. We've talked about what we expect out of this and he's always said he's not ready for a commitment and I've said I am. We came to the conclusion that we would see how things go. Like I said we talk on the phone all the time but lately he's calling less, he's been making excuses as to why we couldn't hang out and he claimed he was so sorry he would make it up to me. We went out and it just felt different. He seemed distant. He never even kissed me at all. He's never been super affectionate but I guess I just don't understand why he's still here if he's not interested anymore. He calls to check on me, asks how my day was, how my car is doing, talks about helping me out if I need to get a new car. He makes plans to do things together but it never happens. I'm starting to feel like it may be someone else but I'm not sure if I should ask, he would lie anyway. If it's someone else why not let me go? It's not like we sleep together so it's not that he just wants that. I'm just so confused if I should say something or wait n just see what he does (especially with Valentine's Day coming up) I don't want to sound jealous or naggy but I feel like after a year and a half I'm not wrong for feeling like we should be more by now.. Anyone have suggestions? Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 He told you he didn't want a commitment and you kept dating him. This is what "no commitment" looks like. I wouldn't hang aroi d waiting for Valentine Day to change him. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Your whole post is what he wants, what he does, etc. What about you? Don't you want to be with someone who actually wants to be intimate with you? Why does he have to let you go? You know, you have a say in this, too. Let him go instead. Link to comment
SugarKayne Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 He told you he didn't want a commitment and you kept dating him. This is what "no commitment" looks like. I wouldn't hang aroi d waiting for Valentine Day to change him. I kno Valentines Day won't change him, I just wanted to see what he would do just to validate what I already think I kno. If he does nothing then it lets me kno that I'm right in feeling like I never meant anything to him. but you said it right, this is what no commitment looks like.... I was stupid for thinking in time he may start to feel something for me too. Live n learn. Link to comment
SugarKayne Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 I want to be with him but I want him to give me things he's not giving me so I guess I know I need to walk away, I was just trying to figure out what he feels for me if anything. I always felt like no man would keep a woman around, take her out and it not be just for intimacy. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 When a man tells you he doesn't want a commitment, believe him. Because you are calling what you have a committed relationship and in his head...it is casual. You may or may not be exclusive... But he isn't committed and hanging around will not make it so. Link to comment
overthemoon86 Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 wow, a year and a half...that is a long time for no commitment and intimacy. If you are looking for commitment and don't want the same, why are you wasting your time with someone who doesn't want the same thing? After a year and a half, if he hasn't changed his mind, he isn't going to. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 How long was he broken from his ex before the two of you started seeing one another? Link to comment
SugarKayne Posted February 10, 2015 Author Share Posted February 10, 2015 They were on again off again for 11 years and had only been broken up about 5 months b4 we met. Link to comment
SugarKayne Posted February 10, 2015 Author Share Posted February 10, 2015 wow, a year and a half...that is a long time for no commitment and intimacy. If you are looking for commitment and don't want the same, why are you wasting your time with someone who doesn't want the same thing? After a year and a half, if he hasn't changed his mind, he isn't going to. Things have progressed in that time. We started out seeing each other once every few weeks, didn't meet my kids, or exchange gifts things like that. but they haven't progressed to what I want and you're right they probably won't if they haven't yet. So that's why i feel like it's probably time to say goodbye. It's just so hard when we talk so much. Every day for hours for a year and a half. I feel close to him on a different level beyond physical so it's hard to let go. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I want to be with him but I want him to give me things he's not giving me so I guess I know I need to walk away, I was just trying to figure out what he feels for me if anything. I always felt like no man would keep a woman around, take her out and it not be just for intimacy. You don't need to Valentine's Day to validate that he's not going to commit to you. You have the past year and a half of no commitment. But either way, you should pull the trigger on ending this "thing" sooner rather than later. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 They were on again off again for 11 years and had only been broken up about 5 months b4 we met. It's likely that he wasn't broken up long enough to settle into himself and start dating from the same readiness you already possessed. You insisted on continuing to see him during that time--essentially setting yourself up as a rebound. This positions you to be the griever's distraction, but this reaches a point where the griever feels better and wants to get out and explore single life--but wait, now I'm in another relationship. That's a dismal place to set yourself up for. Going forward I'd limit dating to only people who are healed and whole and ready for a commitment. This guy was never that. Head high. Link to comment
overthemoon86 Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I know you took things slow in the beginning, but a year and a half things haven't progressed much further. They aren't going to change and it's good that you realize that. If you aren't happy with this relationship, then it's time to walk away. Do what's best for you and staying in this will not make you happy in the long run. Link to comment
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