Issue with friend's wife

[stuka80]

Hello everyone, an issue has recently arisen between me and my friend's wife and I was hoping people here can help shed some light as to why and make sense of the situation or if its just all in my head....

 

A bit of background between me and her. I happen to work with my friend's wife in the same office building(she actually referred me to this job) and things have always been very friendly if somewhat awkward(incompatible personalities) between us. We would chat every once in a while at work for a few minutes, greet each other if our paths cross and generally just have a good work relation. Now her husband and I have been friends since high school, 20 years now this year and to be quite honest, his wife's personality and mine are so incompatible(i think alot of it has to do with our different ethnicities and we just grew up in different worlds) that if it weren't for my friendship with her husband, I would probably never even say hello to her or notice her at all at work. I've known her for about 6 years now, which you would think is more than enough time to be comfortable with someone but its still uncomfortable and awkward between me and her. Although, since we've started working together 7 months ago, its' gotten alot better than what it used to be before. Our company offers free breakfast daily and we would almost always have breakfast together in the kitchen area almost always invited by her. And when it was time to leave she would always either wait for me by the clock or ask me to wait for her so that we can both leave to our cars together.

 

Sorry for that long intro but the last part is relevant to this story i promise! But now to the meat of the issue. In general, I know her husband is burnt out dealing with the daily life of being married with a child so he seeks an escape from it every once in a while. He likes to get away with just friends from time to time without the wife and their 2 year old boy. Earlier this week, he text me asking me if i wanna grab lunch with him during our work lunch hour(we work for different companies but in the same city), i told him yes and to let me know which day he wants to go. Naturally, i thought he had told his wife too, since we both work in the same company office so later that day i went over to her desk and asked her if her husband had also informed her of lunch so that us 3 can spend a lunch hour together. But she told me that he didn't and i just kinda thought "oh, strange" and kinda made a lame joke about it and walked back to my desk. She seemed to have taken the non-invite perfectly fine and just brushed it off.

 

So the next day for lunch (lunch with friend) i went over to the clock to punch out, which happens to be right next to her desk and she sees me and says in a joking way "have fun having lunch with my husband without me!" and we both laugh and i just say "see you later". I come back from lunch and she asks me the usual "oh where'd you guys go" etc etc. we make friendly banter for a minute or so then its back to work. Here's where it gets weird though. The next day we dont really see each other much, but i did say hello to her when i saw her, which she returned in kind...

 

Then the next day after that, its the same thing. Dont really see each other much but once again I say hello to her...but something seems off....she seems to not be as friendly as before and gives me a greeting the way a stranger does just because someone greeted them first, like it was an obligation to return a greeting instead of a greeting between two people that have history together, It didn't seem genuine. So i just thought maybe she's having a bad day and left it at that.

 

Then the last couple of days it became extremely obvious that she was ignoring me and giving me the cold shoulder. We ran into each other a few times in the office and in the breakroom/kitchen area and I would say hello and try to chat, but I noticed she was being cold and non-talkative so I got the hint and ended the conversation.

 

Today was the same story. Saw her in the morning, acted cold with me. Saw her during lunchtime in the breakroom, acted cold with me. Didn't even look at me actually. Saw her again with her work buddies in the parking lot during the same lunchtime and she didn't even look at me, even though i waived at her and said hello, her best friend at work just looked at me.

 

Then finally, towards the end of the day, it was one of the manager's birthday and her department and mine went into the kitchen to sing happy birthday and have a cake and though we both were walking in the hallway she didn't look at me and just talked to everyone else. So i didn't bother saying anything because her body language clearly told me to leave her alone, but her best friend at work, whom she tells everything to was just kinda looking at me, kind of like observing me. And finally when we got to the kitchen where everyone was i just stood on the opposite side of the area from her and i noticed from the corner of my eye that her and her best friend were just kind of looking at me....but when i looked over at them my friend's wife turned her head away and a few minutes later, both of them left without socializing with everyone or eating the cake. I'm sure whatever her issue is with me, she's told her friend...she tells her everything.

 

Also, the last few days, she's stopped asking me if i wanted to have breakfast with her and when i invited her to have breakfast she would give me an excuse not to go, which i took at face value. Also at the end of the day when i'm clocking out, she either would be already gone, or still at her desk and when i asked her if she wanted me to wait for her to gather her stuff so we can both walk out and go home she told me to go ahead without her.

 

Now, i've always been very polite and respectful and extremely nice to her so I dont know where this cold attitude came from all of a sudden....I've been trying to remember if i did or said anything to her to cause this. The only thing i can think of is that she resents me because her husband invites me to go out with him and doesn't want to take her along...he's actually done it maybe 2 or 3 times before. That's the only thing that happened recently that would cause her to act like this....I kind of refuse to believe that its the real reason though...simply because it is such a petty and immature reason to resent someone...especially as an adult....I have no control over her husband's actions. If anything, she should get mad at him not at me...there is absolutely nothing i can do about her husband's actions. But at the same time, i dont want to cause problems in their marriage so i'm thinking of maybe laying low for a bit and just kinda leave them alone to themselves instead of hanging around with her husband(which we do maybe once a month) Maybe you guys can give me a different perspective? One more thing i should add, she's also about 3 weeks pregnant....I dont know if pregnancy causes that type of mood swings....I refuse to believe that's the reason for her acting the way she does though, cause as far as i know, she's not acting like that with her work friends...just with me. Normally, i wouldn't give 2 rats asses if someone chooses to ignore me, i'd just move along but she is my friend's wife so i automatically give her more consideration than a work friend for example, or an acquaintance and i want to make things right between her and I. So could the reason that her husband invites me and not her be the real reason for her acting the way she does towards me and showing resentment?? or is it something else only known to her for the moment???

[1a1a]

Mehhh, she's being weird, I think, if you want to strengthen a friendship with her, pull her aside, ask her what's going on. If she's a reasonable person she will tell you, if she isn't she'll lie and say she's fine, either way. You have at least asked and the ball is now in her court.

 

If you don't really care about strengthening a friendship with her then just let it go. Go on hanging out with your friend if you feel like hanging out with him.

[Mischa234]

I don't know, it does sound like pretty silly behaviour to be honest. I would shrug it off...

 

It could be that she kind of forgot the connection is between you and her husband, not between you and her, and the lines got blurred. Remember: you are his friend, not hers... that applies if they have any marital issues you may not know about. Your loyalty must lie with him...

 

If anything, I'd be inviting him out to lunch again soon and seeing if she brought anything up with him. He ought to tell you if there's anything off. But be casual about it... maybe even say it jokingly/just extremely lightly. There could be issues of jealousy and insecurity there. That is, he could be jealous if you two are close, she could be jealous that her husband might be as close to another guy as he is to her...

 

I personally experience that one. I get a little bit angsty when my partner goes out for a buck's night, or goes away for the weekend with his friends (as he has done this weekend). I wonder what kind of face he wears when I'm not around, what they talk about, if he talks about me in any derogatory sense, if he shares any personal details with them. I wonder how strong their friendships are if he ever did something bad, would they tell me or would they lie for him... I would be totally awkward getting close to one of his friends because knowing my partner, he might have told them or alluded to details about our sex life. You just can never know these things.

 

It's probably for the best that she's backed off a little. Just reinforce the friendship with her husband and you should be fine.

[itsallgrand]

Personally, I would straight out ask her. In a friendly polite way. This puts it back on her. This isn't your problem - whatever is going on that she is acting so strange and high schoolish. Don't fret about it. If she gives some fluff ball response then you know she's being stupid and you can forget about it. If she gives you something valid that has upset her, then you can clear the air and move on.

just my opinion.

[stuka80]

if you want to strengthen a friendship with her, pull her aside, ask her what's going on. If she's a reasonable person she will tell you, if she isn't she'll lie and say she's fine, either way. You have at least asked and the ball is now in her court. If you don't really care about strengthening a friendship with her then just let it go. Go on hanging out with your friend if you feel like hanging out with him.

 

I've considered having a talk with her but i want to wait a little bit, like another work week to see if she still acts like this, or if she decides to act normal around me again. I definitely care about having a good relationship with her because despite our awkwardness with each other, I like her as a person not to mention she's my friend's wife.

 

If anything, I'd be inviting him out to lunch again soon and seeing if she brought anything up with him. He ought to tell you if there's anything off. But be casual about it... maybe even say it jokingly/just extremely lightly. There could be issues of jealousy and insecurity there. That is, he could be jealous if you two are close, she could be jealous that her husband might be as close to another guy as he is to her...

 

I dont want to say anything to him without first addressing this issue with her because it could make things worse. I dont want him going home later that day and discussing the issue with her and possibly having an argument with her about it. Another thing is that this could all be in my head, so if i tell him and he tells her, she might get confused and deny any such thing is going on and i'll look like a crazy person lol. Although i've known her husband alot longer than i've known her, she should know that she's his wife and she will always come first and and me and our other friends understand that and would never try to cause friction in their marriage. My friendship with him should not make her feel threatened nor insecure and in the past whenever her husband would go out with the guys without her i would try to blunt the effect a little bit by offhandedly reminding her that she's number 1 in her husband's eyes.

 

Personally, I would straight out ask her. In a friendly polite way. This puts it back on her. This isn't your problem - whatever is going on that she is acting so strange and high schoolish. Don't fret about it. If she gives some fluff ball response then you know she's being stupid and you can forget about it. If she gives you something valid that has upset her, then you can clear the air and move on.

just my opinion.

 

Yea, i think eventually if she keeps doing this, i will have to bring it up with her. But wanna give it some time to see if her attitude changes back to normal towards me again. I'd rather not have her be mad at me because it would make my friendship with her husband a hell of a lot more complicated.

 

Thanks everyone for your input...this is bothering me alot more than i thought it would.

[Willywagtail]

I wouldn't talk to her. Particularly since the relationship between you has previously been awkward. It will just give her further reason to be rude.

 

I'd be polite, greet her, chat if the opportunity arises and behave as if everything is normal.

 

Also, I wouldn't not have lunch with her husband. Whatever her issue is, it's not to do with you. It's up to her and him to work it out.

 

Stay civil and don't get involved.

[mhowe]

I wouldn't talk to her. Particularly since the relationship between you has previously been awkward. It will just give her further reason to be rude.

 

I'd be polite, greet her, chat if the opportunity arises and behave as if everything is normal.

 

Also, I wouldn't not have lunch with her husband. Whatever her issue is, it's not to do with you. It's up to her and him to work it out.

 

Stay civil and don't get involved.

 

He has been friends with the husband for 20 years.

 

I would stop having meals withher. Remain civil and friendly at work. They are both acting like teenagers...her and her husband. "He's MY lunch buddy....not yours".

[stuka80]

I wouldn't talk to her. Particularly since the relationship between you has previously been awkward. It will just give her further reason to be rude.

Also, I wouldn't not have lunch with her husband. Whatever her issue is, it's not to do with you. It's up to her and him to work it out.

Stay civil and don't get involved.

 

Its not as simple as choosing not to talk to her at work, that's not an option for me. I get invited to family events so its not like i only see her at work, their child also loves me(i'm just good with children lol). I also see her husband on a regular basis whether to attend sporting events, night out, lunches, whatever it is and he also invites me to come over their house every once in a while and hang out for a few hours. So i definitely wanna resolve whatever is going on between me and her because it will make all these situations extremely stressful and awkward for everyone. And i dont ever get involved with their marriage. I haven't even mentioned any of this to her husband and i dont intend to unless me and her can't resolve this. Then he'd have a right to know because i can't all of a sudden keep turning down his invites without any real reasons. the truth will come out sooner or later.

 

They are both acting like teenagers...her and her husband. "He's MY lunch buddy....not yours".

 

I intend to remain civil and friendly at work. But as far as them acting like teenagers, i know her husband pretty well i'd say, after knowing him all these years, and he's not at all as petty as to try to claim me as a lunch buddy and she's not invited...he's very down to earth and chill and doesn't play stupid games like this. He would view her reaction the same exact way i view it, petty and immature and not worth spending this kind of negative energy on. Even though he didn't tell me why he didn't invite her, i already knew the reason, its because he just wants a break from his wife and spend it with a friend alone so he can act a bit more carefree, its that simple, he's not doing it to be immature or to play games or anything.

 

His wife however, i can definitely see acting like this. She's not a bad person, just different personality from me, that's why we would never be friends if the circumstances were different. So i think this childish reaction is only coming from her i'm pretty sure of it. Knowing her, she probably argued with him about it also later that night...and now....she's resenting me for it. Like i said this is speculation, until i actually have a talk with her. which i plan to if she continues this when we go back to work next week.