ist17 Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Background: my ex has only been in 1 long term relationship in grade 8 & hasn't been in one since. his friends have told me that he's always been afraid to commit. We are both now 20. We started talking 1.5 yrs ago and didn't expect much, but we fell for each other and b/c he was out of province, we pursued each other LD until he came home. When we got together during christmas, we only fell deeper. We had strong feelings for each other and wanted to wait until he's home to be official (4 months later-he lives 1hr from me). When he came back, he asked me to meet his friends & family. we continued to date for 2 months & I was curious why we weren't official,although we were exclusive.I asked and he said he's confused,that he likes me but doesn't know why he's not ready to take the next step. We "broke up", he cried & said that's not what he wants, we got back together. He was still confused, said that some days he's sure of us but some days he questions whether he's truly ready and he's not sure why he questions. Fast forward 2 months, he broke up with me and said he lost feelings. He tried to initiate contact 2 days later and I brushed it off and we don't talk for two months. He recently started talking to me again, some weeks he'll continually try to talk & other weeks I won't hear from him. He drunk texts me to talk, but doesn't flirt b/c he says he's afraid I won't like/appreciate it. As of now, I haven't heard from him in over a week. Was it a commitment issue? I keep thinking he was afraid to give up "being a boy/partying". And is there a chance for reconciliation? Also, for people that have lost feelings, I know it's possible to think you lost feelings and then realize later that you never did, but what about those that truly lost feelings/lost interest, what are the chance that they gain those feelings back? Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Relationships in 8th grade don't count!!! Lol!!! He was 15! He cant commit because he doesn't want to...he is 20 and is happy living his life. When he is around you, he follows his impulses but doesn't want to put the efffort into a LDR. Link to comment
Brokenhart84 Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 He is young. Let him live and you should to. Cut off contact with him. I wish I could be 20 again! Link to comment
ist17 Posted February 4, 2015 Author Share Posted February 4, 2015 yeah that's why I said he hasn't been in one since grade 8, so it's as if he's never been in a committed relationship which is what made me think he's afraid to commit/doesn't want to commit so it's like he convinced himself if he gets into a relationship, he'll lose freedom...then lost feelings? I don't know. Link to comment
ist17 Posted February 4, 2015 Author Share Posted February 4, 2015 I totally understand, he's young and likes to have fun of course. But I feel as if being young, wanting to be free, and not being ready for a relationship is one thing but does that make someone lose feelings? (I did keep pushing at it and ask why we're not together, but if he liked me, that wouldn't have mattered?) Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 I totally understand, he's young and likes to have fun of course. But I feel as if being young, wanting to be free, and not being ready for a relationship is one thing but does that make someone lose feelings? (I did keep pushing at it and ask why we're not together, but if he liked me, that wouldn't have mattered?) . . yes . . not wanting to be in a committed relationship would cause someone's feelings to lesson. Consider this. .If he isn't wanting to be in a relationship then he isn't wanting to deal with feelings that go along with it. And your `pushing at it' makes it worse and reinforces exactly why he doesn't it. Link to comment
Clinton Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Heck, I'd be afraid to commit if I was 20. I'd actually run screaming away. Twenty is a time to have fun and experiment, to get to know what you do and don't like. At twenty I was in love with every girl I met. No way could I sustain that affection for any one girl. Sometimes people have a bit of growing up to do before a stable relationship is possible. Link to comment
ist17 Posted February 4, 2015 Author Share Posted February 4, 2015 . . yes . . not wanting to be in a committed relationship would cause someone's feelings to lesson. Consider this. .If he isn't wanting to be in a relationship then he isn't wanting to deal with feelings that go along with it. And your `pushing at it' makes it worse and reinforces exactly why he doesn't it. Those feelings could fade even if you truly liked the person? I know my pushing it made it worse so that's why I stopped, and we mutually agreed to take a step back instead of forward and get to know each other all over again..but everytime we hung out we would act like a couple again, him initiating. Eventually, he stopped asking to hang out and slowly stopped texting first until the day of the final breakup. Is it often people go back to those they liked when they're ready and realize what they lost? or move on to whoever is available atm Link to comment
ist17 Posted February 4, 2015 Author Share Posted February 4, 2015 Heck, I'd be afraid to commit if I was 20. I'd actually run screaming away. Twenty is a time to have fun and experiment, to get to know what you do and don't like. At twenty I was in love with every girl I met. No way could I sustain that affection for any one girl. Sometimes people have a bit of growing up to do before a stable relationship is possible. I think he tried to commit and was faithful, and because he chose to spend weekends with me while his boys were out partying and texting him, it made it hard for him. But I always felt like that would make him question whether he's ready for a committed relationship, not make him lose feelings.. Ididn't know the two went hand in hand Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Those feelings could fade even if you truly liked the person? ready and realize what they lost? Yep. . happens all the time. I was once in love with my ex husband. . feelings now zero. I could go on. We often think if we are having such intense romantic feelings for someone that we couldn't have gotten this far on our own therefore they share those intense feelings as well. Not the case. Your feelings are yours. . His are different and can change every day. Let's say he has feelings for you. . Unfortunately his need to be unattached is overriding that. Some people are just not available. . some are not available at certain times of the life (typical for a 20yr old to not be ready) and some have issues with ever being available enough for an intimate relationship to some degree their entire life. All this doesn't really matter. What matters is his decision is made. . You need to stop trying to breath life into this and move on. It takes more than one to make it work. Link to comment
ist17 Posted February 4, 2015 Author Share Posted February 4, 2015 You're right. Do you think the right girl could make a guy become ready because he likes her that much or does the timing need to be right (and by timing, I mean him wanting to settle in the first place)? Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 You're right. Do you think the right girl could make a guy become ready because he likes her that much or does the timing need to be right (and by timing, I mean him wanting to settle in the first place)? Both. . . . . . . Link to comment
ist17 Posted February 4, 2015 Author Share Posted February 4, 2015 Both. . . . . . . so he needs to be wanting to settle and commit before he can commit to anyone? or are you saying that even if he's not ready to commit and not wanting to commit, if he meets someone he really likes, he will? Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 It took me years to learn this lesson and I wish I understood it at 20, so I will share with you: Maturity has taught me I could be in love with the someone but recognize for whatever the reason (fill in the blank) we couldn't/shouldn't be together. When I was younger I saw things the way you did. . If you have those feelings, then no matter what it meant you needed to act on them. It was a difficult lesson but a valuable one. And still at my age difficult to act on, but necessary at times. Honestly it's one of the most healthy things you can do . . It saves you a lot of grief in the long run. Trying to make something work when someone's not ready or available is never a good idea. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 so he needs to be wanting to settle and commit before he can commit to anyone? or are you saying that even if he's not ready to commit and not wanting to commit, if he meets someone he really likes, he will? It's not black and white. He may meet someone that spurs him into readiness. . He may be ready at some point and go in search of the right person. Again. . trying to decode this isn't going to change anything. . he's made his decision to exit. He could return but based on his history and history with you, but I don't he's ready to change into that consistent bf you are looking for. He may have second thoughts and take you for another spin, just to run away again. I see you trying to figure out what you can do to control this situation but you can only control your part. .the rest is out of your hands. I have sons his age. I know what I am talking about. .This one's not ready. Link to comment
ist17 Posted February 4, 2015 Author Share Posted February 4, 2015 I definitely agree with what you're saying, I'm just wondering whether commitment can happen with the right person although that person didn't want to commit or whether that person needs to be willing to commit first before anyone can make them commit. The reason I ask is because for example, liking someone, it's hard to control and we both went into it not thinking we would like each other, but we did and that's why we pursued it. But when it came time to commit, he wanted to and was the one to say that we're a good thing before actually becoming official and that he's happy that we will be. But then when it came time to actually do so, he started to question, and the more he questioned whether he's ready, the more he questioned his feelings (because he didn't feel ready and felt that he should be if he likes me), so then started losing feelings. So does him not wanting to commit (because he's young and isn't ready) really make those feelings fade although he had strong feelings to begin with? And I know I need to move on but does it seem like that may be the reason? Link to comment
ist17 Posted February 4, 2015 Author Share Posted February 4, 2015 It's not black and white. He may meet someone that spurs him into readiness. . He may be ready at some point and go in search of the right person. Again. . trying to decode this isn't going to change anything. . he's made his decision to exit. He could return but based on his history and history with you I don't he's ready to change into that consistent bf you are looking for. He may have second thoughts and take you for another spin, just to run away again. I see you trying to figure out what you can do to control this situation but you can only control your part. .the rest is out of your hands. I have sons his age. I know what I am talking about. .This one's not ready. Thank you so much for your advice, it really does help Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 You sound like you really like this guy. . I get it. I am sorry for your disappointment. . You seem sweet. . Hold out for a guy who is crazy about you and you don't doubt it! Link to comment
ist17 Posted February 4, 2015 Author Share Posted February 4, 2015 Thanks so much. I think I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I did wrong and what was wrong with me that made him lose feelings. I spent so much time beating myself up over it because I told myself that if he liked me, even if he was scared to commit and not ready to commit, he'd do that because he wants to be with me so since he doesn't, it means I'm not worthy of it. At this point, moving on has been extremely difficult for me and I keep clinging onto the hope that he'll mature and keep wondering "why hasn't he wanted to come back yet? it's been 4 months" but in reality, it hasn't been long AT ALL for someone to mature if that were the case. I'm just trying to figure out how to move on Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Try not to take his unavailability personally. Based on what you've shared he just sounds young and not ready Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Those feelings could fade even if you truly liked the person? I know my pushing it made it worse so that's why I stopped, and we mutually agreed to take a step back instead of forward and get to know each other all over again..but everytime we hung out we would act like a couple again, him initiating. Eventually, he stopped asking to hang out and slowly stopped texting first until the day of the final breakup. Is it often people go back to those they liked when they're ready and realize what they lost? or move on to whoever is available atm He has kept you at arms length this whole time for a reason. He isn't ready to make you (or any girl) a priority in his life at this moment in time and whilst it might not stop him from having feelings for you, they aren't enough (and probably never were) to commit properly. As regards going back to people you once liked, it could go either way. There is no one answer for this question. I think it is less likely when you are younger because you have much more going on when it comes to going out and meeting new people (ie.distractions). I wouldn't hang on to that. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 I think he tried to commit and was faithful, and because he chose to spend weekends with me while his boys were out partying and texting him, it made it hard for him. But I always felt like that would make him question whether he's ready for a committed relationship, not make him lose feelings.. Ididn't know the two went hand in hand It isn't about losing feelings. It is whether he ever had enough to remain in a committed relationship. If you had a real burning desire to be with someone, commitment wouldn't be an issue. He went in the direction he wanted to go. Link to comment
ist17 Posted February 4, 2015 Author Share Posted February 4, 2015 whilst it might not stop him from having feelings for you, they aren't enough (and probably never were) to commit properly is this to say that his lack of maturity atm/him not being ready to commit was stopping him from developing stronger feelings? Link to comment
Man with Dog Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 He is young. Let him live and you should to. Cut off contact with him. I wish I could be 20 again! The reason I wouldn't want to be 20 again is my wife would only be 11 and my daughter wouldn't be born! Link to comment
ist17 Posted February 4, 2015 Author Share Posted February 4, 2015 It isn't about losing feelings. It is whether he ever had enough to remain in a committed relationship. If you had a real burning desire to be with someone, commitment wouldn't be an issue. He went in the direction he wanted to go. Is it possible for someone's feelings to grow if they aren't ready to commit in the first place? Link to comment
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