How to balance hope with moving on...

[hopefulandhurt]

hello everybody,

I've posted here before. this post might be kind of a rant/vent because i don't think anyone will have any advice or insight that i haven't heard. four months ago, my boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me, seemingly out of the clear blue. we had been dating from when i was 15 and he was 16 and he's not 23 and I'm 22. he ended things with me saying that he loves me and can definitely see a future with me one day but he can't be positive that I'm "the one" unless he dates other girls because he's had nothing to compare our relationship too. he told me if we dated straight through for 10 years and then just got married he would always wonder what else was out there. anyway, i was completely shocked. i mean, we had a pretty near perfect relationship - so much chemistry, always had fun together, our families loved each other, hardly ever fought - we were truly best friends. he told me he loves me very much and we very well could end up together but this is time he needs to take for him. he encouraged me not to wait around for him and said he thought i should also date other people because its healthy for both of us to experience others besides each other.

 

anyway, the first 2.5 months i was a complete mess - i texted him weekly asking for questions, updates, what he was thinking, etc. he said the same thing pretty much every time. that he couldn't really give me closure because he could see us getting back together one day but he wasn't ready, needed more time, etc. i saw him 3 times in the first 2.5 months. the final time i saw him i said i couldn't do this anymore and if he needed to do this go ahead and do it but i somehow need to try to move on. i went nc for 30 days and then broke it to tell him i was doing better, feeling ok, and hoped we could be on good terms. he was really happy to hear from me. we had light contact on and off for the last 2 months since then. anyway, a mutual friend informed me tonight that he is now seeing someone. i couldn't help myself and picked up the phone to call him and ask. he answered - spoke to me for 2 hours. he basically told me the first 3 months we were broken up he really took the time to be single, process the break up, and have fun with his friends. but he said around a month ago he felt he should really start dating as this is why he needed this time apart. so he met a girl and he told me it isn't serious - that he likes her but its very new. he said she is absolutely not his "girlfriend" and he doesnt love her but they are exclusively hooking up. i was crushed. he did tell me that this changes nothing in our situation. that he has no idea if this will progress into anything but he's open to it. he said he still needs time to date others as its only been a month since he's entered the dating scene and he doesnt want to rush anything. i asked for some type of closure and he told me if i wanted it i would need to find it myself because he always wants to be honest with me and he truthfully can't predict the future. he can see us getting back together with time but its not a guarantee. i asked him for some sort of time frame and he said it was truly impossible - anywhere from next week, to five years from now to never. he said he can't predict how he will feel, who he will meet, etc. and he recognizes how great our relationship was but for himself he needs to date others to compare before he can confirm. he's hardly reached out to me at all over the breakup and he's told me its not because he doesnt want to talk but because he doesnt want to confuse me. he told me tonight how great it was to hear my voice and that he's always happy to hear from me to discuss our relationship or just to catch up or whatever.

 

so i asked him honestly if he thought nc would help him with this whole process. he told me whether I'm lc, nc, or full on contacting him daily it would have no impact. that he knows he loves me and would have a happy life with me but his mind is made up about dating others. he said in a perfect world he would have me in his life while he does this but he wants to be respectful of me and knows this is unrealistic so he's encouraged me to just do what i feel is right and what makes me happy. he also said he's happy to re assess after some time - perhaps in may but he can't give any sort of time frame. he said he's sad sometimes but he knows this is the right thing for him to avoid future resentment towards me and regret so he's having an ok time with it because he reminds himself this is what he needed to do. i told him i think of him 24/7 and he told me he thinks of me but not that much and has truly tried to distract himself and live life without me so he can decide what makes him happier.

 

so my question is this: how do you balance hope with moving on? i truly, deep down believe he is the one for me. but as he's said theres no guarantee he will return and i know he is seeing someone else. i was miserable at the beginning but have been better over the past few weeks but i think its because i hold so much hope and keep reminding myself that this is temporary and he will be back eventually when i feel sad and i know this is not healthy. but this kind of break up is really hard because i don't want to give up on the relationship and i want to have hope. but i can't keep checking in monthly and waiting around for him because I'm afraid he'll never come back and years from now i still wont have moved on.

 

does anyone have any advice/opinions/words of encouragement for me? i just feel so lost and hurt and sad. any encouragement is welcome. thank you!

[Cailinsona]

Poor you- what a horrible situation to be in. It seems to be one mainly of your ex boyfriend's making, however, and it's difficult to feel much sympathy for him to be honest. He seems to want to have his cake and eat it to. It's a very unfair position that he is taking.

 

I think you need to go NC and move on, as if he is gone forever from your life. He is almost torturing you by practicing 'intermittent inforcement' on you by telling you he can't be with you now, but who knows what may happen in the future. This is a very cruel way to behave, as it does give you a glimmer of hope that reconciliation may be possible down the track.

 

Do you not see that whilst you are waiting for him, thinking of him and pining for him, he is moving on with other people and living his life?

 

You need to do the same. It will be hard- extremely hard. You will still think of him, still believe he is the one for you- but this will lessen very gradually over time if you go NC.

 

I would also ask myself 'would someone who really loves me, leave me like this?' Think very hard about his behaviour towards you. It doesn't feel very loving does it?

 

I've been where you are. I tortured myself with hope. I truly believed he was the man for me and I couldn't believe that he was gone. I had to move on to survive. If you don't you will get stuck and your life will be put on hold.

 

Life is so short! Please don't put your life on hold waiting for someone who doesn't prioritise you or your feelings.

 

Big ((hugs))

[hopefulandhurt]

thank you very much for your reply. it is a terrible situation! i don't feel sympathy for him at all. this was his choice and 4 months later he seems pretty happy with it! i will credit him with not reaching out to me and trying to confuse me. its only when i reach out to him that he discusses this with me, so in a way i guess i am to blame for that. i also believe its cruel and I've begged him for closure and he's told me he's just being honest but understands if i need to close the door on him. he's encouraged me to live my life and even told me tonight to go on dates without having him in the back of my mind. i truly think he feels terrible for what he's putting me through. i need to somehow move on and not pine over him but I'm not sure how! i am terrible at nc. i can make it a few weeks but then always crack.

 

as for asking myself if someone who really loves me would love me like this...i have very mixed opinions. on one hand, i think no. when you want to be with someone, you don't let them go, period. and he's perfectly aware of the risk of me moving on and he is absolutely fine with that. but the other half of me doesnt see it that way - we got together sooo young and he really has had no other experiences in life. many people would argue its important to have those other relationships, so i can i really be so mad at him? in a way i can understand his need to explore i guess, but I'm not sure. its all so confusing!

 

do you have any tips for how you finally let go of hope and started to move on? i can't seem to bring myself to do this...i don't want to spend my life pining over him or waiting for him. if he comes back he comes back but i don't want to be sitting here waiting in the meantime!

 

im so sad

[AintEasy]

I wouldn't necessarily say just because he did this he doesn't love her. There was a period of time where I seriously considered leaving my ex because we were together through so much of our young lives, I just couldn't help but wonder what else was out there. I would go to bars and parties with friends and just see so many different women and being hit on didn't help. I really started to wonder. However I was never able to commit to it because every time I even remotely brought up taking a break or maybe breaking up so we could date other people, my ex would just lose it. I loved her so much I couldn't stand to see her in such pain, so I never committed to it. But it always lingered in my mind. It was always there. Every time I went out with friends I would always wonder. I truly believe it is human nature to wonder if the grass is greener. We simply can not help it. I never committed to leaving, but when my ex started to feel the same way I had, she already knew my feelings about it, so she left. Does mean I suddenly believe she doesn't love me? No, I still believe she does.

 

But when we fall in love at such a young age, I've only now realized how fragile it is. There is always a giant opportunity for things like this to happen. So here is my advice. Do what I'm doing.

 

Go completely NC. Hold onto a little bit of hope, but move on. If you truly believe you two were meant to be, then just trust that feeling and go live your life. Now is your time to have the same opportunity, whether you want it or not. Pretend like he no longer exists, for two reasons. One it will help you heal and move on, and two it will be the only way he can realize the mistake he has made. My advice to you on moving on is really to just live your life. I have done everything I can in the past 3 months to be single as my ex wanted. I've gone on a couple of dates, partied, went to clubs, got closer with friends. I'm just living out this experience since it was given to me. Am I truly happy? No. But oh well, just doing what I can.

 

Trust me I completely understand how you feel as my relationship was very similar.. just trust that everything will work out in time.

[Cailinsona]

I know exactly how you feel. Looking back on what happened in my case, I feel like I wasted nearly a year moping and pining for someone who clearly didn't want to be with me! That's a year of my life that I will never get back.

 

In retrospect, I now understand that there was nothing I could do to effect the outcome with regard to whether my ex would come back or not.

 

The only thing that really helped me was time and lots of it. I did everything that people on here recommend- met new people, socialised, took up new hobbies, set myself goals (mainly work related- I got a promotion as the result of my hard work), went on dates (even though I didn't feel like dating), got fit. None of it really helped. It was the slow (and it felt excruciatingly slow!) passage of time that really worked its magic. That and going NC. You have to force yourself to do it.

 

Take it a day at a time. Tell yourself that you won't contact him today. And then try again the next day.

 

If there is any hope for the future between you...How is he going to miss you or feel your loss if you keep contacting him?

 

My ex returned (most unexpectedly) nearly a year after breaking up. There was not a single thing I could do to bring this about, other than go NC. He missed me when he didn't hear from me and he had plenty of time to think about me and what he had lost.

 

He came back about six months ago and things are going well, albeit slowly. We are taking it one step at a time.

 

I was prepared, however, that he would never return. Through time and NC, I was in a good place when he did come back.

 

Please don't let yourself despair. Wonderful things may yet be in store for you. That's what is so great about life- it's full of surprises and some of them are amazing!

[AintEasy]

 

Please don't let yourself despair. Wonderful things may yet be in store for you. That's what is so great about life- it's full of surprises and some of them are amazing!

 

This is why I love this place. Your reply is meant for the OP but really it can be interpreted by anyone reading. I probably needed to hear this just as much as the OP did. I will agree with cailinsona. So far time is the only thing that has genuinely helped me. And look at that, a year of no contact and yet they still return. I am glad I have stuck to no contact as I have and don't plan on quitting.

 

OP, if you must, delete his number. It sounds harsh but you have to do everything possible to avoid contact. For your own good.

[hopefulandhurt]

thank you, both of you for your responses. i do agree getting together young often causes this kind of break up. i wasn't feeling the same way he was but i know he had these lingering feelings for quite some time. he had brought them up to me before but he always concluded saying he loved me too much to act on them. eventually he told me that he started to take for granted all the great things our relationship had to offer and he felt compelled to act on this or he would always regret it. so if theres a shot of us having a future then i know he needs to do this now.

 

youre both right about me having to go nc. i actually was doing much better and would've have reached out tonight had i not heard he was seeing someone. i just kind of panicked and had to hear it from him. but now i haven't slept for a minute and I'm realizing it would probably have been better to not contact at all. tomorrow i will go back to nc. I've been trying to get more involved in my work, spend time with friends, go to the gym, pick up new hobbies. but overall i find that thoughts of him are all consuming. i know time is really the only thing that can help me. tonight was a setback but i do notice a small improvement over the last 4 months. i just need to try to live me life and be happy and hold onto hope without relying on it.

[hopefulandhurt]

how long were both of you nc?

[Cailinsona]

Ten long (very long!) months.

 

But I was so determined not to contact him.

 

For my own dignity and because if someone doesn't want me in their life, then let them experience what life is like without me

[hopefulandhurt]

wow! did he reach out to you at al during those 10 months? i don't think i will ever make it through that long!

[hopefulandhurt]

so i have a birthday at the end of april and my ex said he will call me then definitely if i don't want to speak to him before (although he's happy to hear from me) and maybe we can get together beginning of may to discuss this again. thats only 3 months away - surely i can make it

[AintEasy]

how long were both of you nc?

 

I've been no contact since a few days before new years. We met once, we texted a few times, I said merry christmas, and that was when I realized I would never heal if I didn't stop. I put her phone number into my computer to save it, and then deleted it from my phone. Every day I look at my phone wondering why on earth she hasn't tried to contact me. It is not easy and it hurts alot. But I truly believe in these types of break ups, they need to see what life is like without us. To be honest I don't know if I could ever make it 10 months with no contact either. But with time I'm sure we'll both be surprised with what we can handle.

[Cailinsona]

Not one word!

 

I went from being completely convinced of his love (I thought that he must have acted in a moment of madness and would surely be back any day) to thinking that he must never have loved me at all.

 

Those ten months felt like forever to me! When you are in pain, time moves agonisingly slowly

 

For him, the ten months flew by. He preoccupied himself with loads of activities, got really fit, built a house, started postgrad studies!

 

That's why I'm urging you to live your life in the best possible way. Because he will be!

 

He also didn't want to contact me unless he was very sure that he could be 'all in' this time around.

[hopefulandhurt]

such interesting insight from both of you. yes - time is passing so slowly for me! he seems to be happy though. he told me he stays very distracted and busy and doesnt give himself too much time to dwell. he also told me that he wouldnt commit to be unless he was all in it either. I'm just not sure how long is an appropriate amount of time to take! but i agree. and nc has gotten easier for me, just had a setback tonight but tomorrow i will be back to day 1 i know why he doesnt contact me. part of me wishes he would ignore me when i reach out so i would just stop!

[hopefulandhurt]

my thoughts go back and forth between that too - on one hand i feel like he does love me very much and he will be back but on the other he seems happy without me and that SHOCKS me! i mean I've been sooo miserable without him and he is totally fine and happy

[Cailinsona]

As hard as it is, you need to put yourself first.

 

He's gone. Perhaps forever.

 

At the end of the day, the person you can rely on most is yourself!

 

And if he is to come back (and you may not even want him back at that point!) don't you want to be the best person you can be in a relationship?

 

Life is about learning and growing. And for now, you need to do that away from him.

 

You can do it

[AnalyzeThis]

I wonder what he will do when you move on with another guy? The thought of being with someone other than him probably doesn't appeal to you. Imagine him having sex with this new girl. That would be all the closure I would need if I were you to start at least going out with your friends and especially dating. He will not like it at all when he sees you with another guy. Go out with your friends. Enjoy your youth. Have fun even if you have to fake it for a while.

[Brokenhart84]

Ten long (very long!) months.

 

But I was so determined not to contact him.

 

For my own dignity and because if someone doesn't want me in their life, then let them experience what life is like without me

 

It's amazing that you still have feelings for him. I'm honestly afraid that I won't after 6+ months.

[hopefulandhurt]

i fear the same thing! i told my ex i didn't want to put time constraints on him but once i finally do move on from him then the door to reconcile is closed and i can't tell him how long it will take! I'm hoping around 8-9 months time we can start beginning a process to reconcile. he told me he didn't want me waiting for anything like that but he was open to discussing this again then after he's had more time to date

[Cailinsona]

I never stopped loving him.

 

I had just got to the point where I thought he was never coming back and I felt like I had had enough misery to last me a lifetime and it was about time to be happy again and have fun.

 

Of course, just when I had reached the point of acceptance up he pops!

 

I ignored all his attempts at contact for a month (he was very tentative initially and I wasn't prepared to respond to mere breadcrumbs) and it was only when he declared his true feelings that I agreed to talk to him.

 

It's been challenging to re-enter a relationship with someone who broke your heart, but things are progressing in a positive direction. He has been honest, open, reliable and consistent so far. Who knows whether it will last the distance. All we can do is try

[Tinydance]

Firstly, I am soo sorry to hear that this happened to you, it must be awful! You poor thing I actually do know one couple who started dating when the woman was 14 and the man was 15-16. Now the woman is 28 and the man is 30 and they are getting married. The reason why I mention them is because during that 14 years they were quite on and off with their relationship. They were together for many years I think, but then both decided to explore dating other people. The woman is bisexual so she wanted to explore being with women, and I know the guy even lived with another woman during one time. I do remember the woman saying that she could see herself getting married to the guy, and now they actually are. So it seems that going off on their own and exploring helped them, but having said that, I would definitely not say that this can be the case with everyone. In fact, I feel that they're actually a minority.

 

I was literally just talking to a friend about how I feel that in our society these days, people are not taking relationships or marriage as seriously and often tend to think they can sleep/date with more people, or that there is always someone better for them out there. Sixty years ago and earlier people found someone for life, got married, had kids and not often thought that "there is someone better", or "I need to experiment". Just my own personal opinion is that committing to someone and monogamy is largely a mindset. Think about arranged marriages in the past (some countries still do it now), those people often didn't even know each other, yet they CHOSE to commit to that person for the rest of their life. Not saying they were necessarily happy though....

 

Anyway, onto the topic of your ex-boyfriend. I partially do understand where he's coming from. I think if you're literally the only woman he's ever been with, the "What if?" just got the better of him, as well as probably wanting to sleep with more women just to say that he's done that. He probably does love you as he says, but at the same time I'm not sure if he's "in love" with you or really sees himself settling down with you. I understand that he's not pursuing you and he's telling you the truth that he's seeing other women, and telling you to see other people too. So he's not sleeping with you at the same time as others and he's quite probably telling you the truth, which is that he doesn't know what will happen in future. However, there are some serious red flags here in my opinion. Firstly, of course, why did he leave you and start dating others if he truly loves you? I mean, it's understandable he wants to explore other women and to a degree it's normal considering you're the only woman he's ever been with since he was really young. But the fact that he just tells you to move on and not wait for him and it does not even concern him if you end up with another guy is a bit worrying. In fact he's been pushing you to date other guys! I'm not sure if he's just trying to be kind by encouraging you to date others too, but to me it actually seems more like he legitimately doesn't care if he loses you or not. Also you did say that he seems happy, and after four months (substantial amount of time), he has not come to the conclusion that he misses you and wants you back. In fact quite the opposite, he wants to keep dating this other woman, knowing full well how much you want him back.

 

I also think that if he just wanted to have sex with other women and then come back to you, maybe he would have told you that. He may have said, "Just give me some time to have fun and then I'm definitely coming back to you, just give me a bit more time to do this." However, he just plainly said that he will just keep dating, I repeat, dating, not just sleeping, with other women, and he does not actually know if he would come back to you at all. He may be honest in saying he loves you and could be with you in future, but this is a very vague concept. He may not rule out that he could be with you in the future, but that's probably because he does have feelings for you and finds you attractive. It doesn't mean though that he's madly in love with you and thinks you're the one for him, as he's clearly indicated. Also I think the mere fact that he started contemplating dating other women does show that he already thought that something was not right with your relationship, otherwise he wouldn't have done it. Also keep in mind that he may want to come back to you later as an option if in fact he doesn't find someone better, but he may find someone better and not return. So really his return could be only based on whether he finds "someone better" or not.

 

I personally would not wait for him at all because I don't think this situation looks good for you in hindsight. I think it's more the fact that you don't know where he's at and if he'll come back to you at all. He's out there dating other women having fun and you're absolutely miserable waiting for him to change his mind. You don't deserve this, you deserve to be happy and be adored by a guy who wants to commit to you. Yes, he may come back, but are you really willing to wait to find out? You could be waiting for a very long time....I know you really love him and you had such a strong past together, but I think maybe you should just treat this as a forever break-up. Just as your ex-boyfriend thought there are other women out there for him, there ARE also other men out there for YOU. If your boyfriend comes to his senses later and you are already with another guy, well, he has made that choice and he has to live with it.