Is there a 'standard' way of moving on?

[hurtin]

Its been almost 7 months since my ex left me. In that time, I've done some harmless dating that was more or less a way for me to get out there and meet new people. On top of that, I've been pretty lucky with life in general (work is good, family is good etc..). So, I guess I should be pretty pleased with the way things have worked out. However, I'm quite certain that I STILL havn't gotten over my ex. We litteraly havn't spoken to each other since I told her to not contact me back in August. I was a little hurt that I didn't get a xmas gretting from her, but then again, I was the one who told her not to contact me. Then yesterday, I got invited to this party where I suspected my ex would make an appearance. The host of the part directly called me to tell me that although he didn't directly invite her, there was a slim chance that she could show. I ended up not going anyway. And the reason is that, quite truthfully, I still don't think I'm ready to see her/talk to her. I knew full well that if I did see her, I would spend the entire night wondering what she was doing, who she was seeing etc. And quite truthfully, whenever I see her friends, I litteraly have to physically restrain myself from talking about my ex. For example, last week my ex's best friend told me she heard through the grapvine that I was seeing someone. She then asked, and I quote "Where is this bi!#%?ch so i can have look at her". I know she was joking, but jeeze, doesn't she remember that I was the one who was dumped??

 

Arg...for those of you have read this far, my hat goes off to you. My question is as follows.."Will I ever get over this girl?" I know its only been 7 months (we dated for 3 years), but I really want to stop thinking about her as my lost. What I should be telling myself (and fully believing it) is that, this is her loss. But I'm not there yet...tell me, will I ever get there?

 

Thanks,

hurtin

[HajiMaji]

Dude, i dont have the wisdom or intelligence (i dont even know how to spell that word) to write you any sort of advice, but i think you are in an ok situation. For one, healing takes different times for different people. I dont even think 7 months is a long time. You have a nice sense of discipline by not going to that party and resisting talking about your ex to thier friends and what not. Thats a great quality and i think helps the healing process.

 

Man, im having a real hard time typing out what i want to say. Basically this. I have a friend who said being heart broken is a good thing. The idea is you can learn so much from life after a heartbreak that it is very possible to become a greater person. If you never allow yourself to be heartbroken through ignoring a problem, drinking a lot afterwards, or whatever, you are going to miss a lot. I mean having trouble getting over a girl is the hardest thing, but the only reason you are having trouble getting over her is because you gave her love and its mind boggling now that its gone. Love requires faith and understanding. The faith you had in her is gone because she ended it and its quite possible you dont feel like you understand her like you once did. Thats a mind f*** right there. You go from internalizing this beautiful thing and now you have none of it.

 

Just remember you are having trouble getting past her because you loved her, and honestly lots of people have trouble loving. Its a gift, and im sure as soon as you are done thinking about this woman you will be able to give that gift to someone else and theres nothing more special in the world then that.

 

Also my man, i gotta say, i read the last part of your post and you are totally cool. You say what do i need to tell myself (and believe). You also said you wanted to stop thinking her as your loss. Both are mature things to say ya know, i think youll be ok. I definitely have faith you will get past this woman, but who knows how long it will take. The deeper she was in your soul the longer it takes right?

 

Anyway i wanted to offer something for you to read but i dont know a whole lot, so if you got something outta it cool, if not you still have my compassion.

 

Also, have you seen the movie "the swingers"? Watch that! I think that is defiantely art that immitates life.

[sisterlynch]

Have you ever heard the saying a hair of the dog that bit you? It means that if you take a little alcohol in the morning after drinking too much the night before, you will get along better than if you just sit and do nothing.

 

The hardest part when you lose someone is to just give up that feeling that you had for someone, and move on. That is the thing that will help you to get over that feeling. To learn to give and receive love and good humor from others.

[Wimpy]

Hey Hurtin

 

I've just been reading your posts from back in July/August and I have to say you've acted with real dignity over this whole thing. Personally I think you made a very wise decision to stay away from the party - you were looking after yourself which is very important.

The theatre story from last year must have really deeply affected you and I'd try and hold onto that thought - how much your ex G/F's family cared for you.

I don't think 7 months is a long time at all. I'm sure time will make it easier. Instead of looking at how far you still have to go why not look behind and see how far you've COME since last Summer? It might surprise you.

[savannahohsavannah]

and the things he did and said to hurt me. It' has been 8 months! I decided somewhere along the way, that he wanted to hurt me! Hindsight is 20/20, as they say. I will never understand exactly why he wanted to hurt me, and this started way during the beginning of our relationship I think. He did and said some things that seemed out of character for him. I've had one hell of a time getting on with my life because I see it all played out in school every day. I congratulate you for saying you weren't ready to see your ex and not going to the party. I don't have that option.

[Rebecca81]

Hi Hurtin,

 

I wish there was some sort of standard procedure in learning how to move on from a past relationship. It would sure make things easier. However, no matter how you look at it, time is the only answer. Time is simultaneously an enemy and friend, a hurter and a healer. I think the best thing to do is to not igmore your feelings. It is OK that you are depressed and sad, no matter what others may tell you. You must revel in your pain. However, the pain must not cause you to be unable to function in everyday life. Start focusing on outside activities, even if when you do them it sucks. Also, consider counseling! I am in counseling, 5 months post break-up and it is wonderful. The growth I have acquired is unique in that, regardless of whether or not my ex and I get back together, I will not lose the growth or progress I've made. Sometimes writing things down helps too. I keep a journal of all of the thoughts I have, both rational and irrational, and go over them on a wekly basis. It's my hunch that after about a month or so, as you reflect back on your entries, you will recognize some sort of progression, or at least a change in behavior.

 

Good luck, and know that I am rooting for you.

 

Take care.

[christina0001]

I understand what your going through, at least a little. My ex-fiance and I were together for nine years and broke up last May. It has been an awful experience. I still have dreams about him at night and think about him every single day. It is like I can not move on. I have even dated other people. It does seem to help to hang out with other guys but it only seems to help short term. I don't know what to do or what advice to give. It STINKS! Hopefully it will get better, its been almost nine months for me. Good Luck

Christina

[hurtin]

Thanks to everyone for the kind words. I never thought I would seek emotional refuge in such a forum, but all of you have helped me a great deal.

 

Man, my breakup still hurts. The odd thing is that I guess I still can't put my finger on exactly what it is I'm sad about. Sometimes I think about how much more difficult this would be on me if my ex had dumped in a way that minimizes the pain (if such a procedure exists). But, when I think back at how cold my ex was when she dumped me, and how it was no big deal to her, I feel as though this is the stuff I should be focusing on. Technically, it is these things that should serve as a basis as to why I shouldn't get involved with a person like her. But even with all my friends (including some of hers) telling me I'm better off, I still can't seem to shake this loss. I mean, even the shear thought of running into her frightens me to death.

 

Deep down though, I know I have the strength to get through this, and that, at some point ,these thoughts will no longer consume me. I havn't let this ruin what I've worked so hard to attain (i.e., my doctorate), and I still find ample time (my supervisor thinks a little TOO much time) to enjoy the finer things in life such as beer, wine and doritos. I guess these things are just little setbacks that creep in sometimes. And although thier growing more and more apart, they still sting when arrive.

 

Thanks to those who chose to listen to my on-line journal entry,

hurtin (but slowly getting better)