loneliness

[bluemoon]

for most of my life i have always felt alone,

My connection to people was always more on the temporary side.

I have not experienced one long lasting stable relationship in my life with family, friends or romantic relationships.

My emotional needs were never met- I am always the one to give compassion to feel extremely vulnerable but when it comes to me really needing this I am received with hostility and coldness, defensiveness which makes me feel like I should not have emotion.

I feel really lost and alone and am on the end of a relationship now, I don't know if this is all in my head or if I'm just not meant to experience this. If I am just difficult. My boyfriend loves me but he says he tries his hardest, his hardest is not good enough for me as I perceive his silence as the hostility I received all my life and it makes me feel worse.

 

All I want is inner peace, feeling really beat up right now and hopeless

[Willywagtail]

It's very, very hard feeling like this.

 

Part of the issue is that you want other people to fill your void and meet your needs. We all do, to a certain extent. Because of your background however, you seem to seek this more strongly than other people do.

 

I think you would benefit heaps from counselling. An unbiased compassionate listener that can help you to understand yourself, give you strategies to fill your own void and guide you in your relationships with other people, so that you can begin to create the long lasting friendships that you want.

 

There is no easy answer or solution. You have to do some work with yourself. Any other advice I could give would just be trite and would not acknowledge the depth of your pain.

[bluemoon]

Thank you I will try.

I have been to counselling sessions before and find them very overwhelming especially since the only free service available is in uni and I usually get very emotional. Then with a puffy red face having to face the world and put on a brave face for my 2 hours travel with public transport home/the possibility of running into people I know is extremely uncomfortable and usually ends up making me feel worse.

 

I think that you are right by saying that I look for this void to be filled externally. It stems from me not receiving the closure I needed growing up. But is it wrong to want somebody who knows that being reassuring and compassionate is most soothing to me? I don't need much all I need is to have my feelings acknowledged 'Sorry you are feeling this way' and a hug and just a feeling warmth rather than distance and silence.

Is it too much to ask? Is it not a basic human need?

[Willywagtail]

No, its not too much to ask. But people are all very different and for someone, that may be too much to ask.

 

Continue with the counselling. Crying is good!! Just get a pair of sunnies and a hat. No one will notice the puffy eyes.

[catfeeder]

You may have acquired certain therapeutic skills over the course of your life which, combined with intuition and compassion, enable you to tend to others in ways that could make you a terrific therapist or doctor or nurse.

 

The problem is, you may be assuming that others are equally skilled in your particular talents, but I assure you that most are NOT. This is why therapists are in business.

 

The whole point of therapy is to work with someone who allows you to make a mess and is trained to handle it. Keep going. Don't carry self consciousness into the aftermath, as most people are too busy minding their own business. If anyone appears curious, you can smile and say, "I promise I'm not contagious, I have allergies."

 

Most relationships are transitional, but over the years you'll find that those who matter most do tend to cycle back into our lives over the course. We cannot maintain parallel paths with everyone--people diverge all the time, and that's not a reflection on you.

 

However, holding expectations that others can demonstrate your particular skills in empathy will continue to disappoint you. It's like a natural engineer expecting that those around him can build complex structures as easily as himself--it's not realistic.

 

Most people when confronted with high emotion from another do NOT know what to do. Some will view it as a reflection on them--possibly even an accusation of them. It depends on many factors, including how diplomatically you handle yourself when expressing what it is, exactly, that you WANT from people--most need to simply be told what they can do for you. If you assume that others will know how to respond to your emotionality, you're setting yourself up for disappointment and hardship.

 

Another thing to consider is whether you present others with an emotional black hole. If your void is so big that others feel pulled to compensate for something you need to learn how to self-sufficiently supply to your Self, you won't find too many volunteers to stick around for that.

 

Again, this brings us back to why people pay therapists. I hope you'll reconsider using one to avoid misusing others, and I believe you will see an uptick in your social relationships.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.