I'm still thinking of leaving my boyfriend because he works too much - 17 hours

[Batya33]

I think the crux of the work issue is not as much the hours but his attitude/anxiety level. I know of many families who make things work even though one of the spouses (sometimes both) work crazy/unpredictable hours. But since the OP's boyfriend is at this level of anxiety and stress, as she said even if he gets time off he is not "off" in a healthy way. I bet even if he got a job with predictable hours he'd find a way to overly stress. Has he ever had that sort of job? How did he react?

 

So the first hurdle is for him to recognize that his way of dealing with work/life balance is not healthy or normal (even without having a family) and if he can maybe there is a way to get him counseling or even to start off with yoga/meditation if he will do that. If you can get a good recommendation for a life coach that would probably be just as good or even better than a general therapist. Finally as a last resort I'm sure there are books or audio books that deal with reducing stress at and about work and career. Again, he has to be willing to take these steps and not just because he is a father now.

 

Good luck.

[CovertCactus]

After reading more of your posts it sounds like you already made up your mind. Break up with him. Your boyfriend is married to his job. When he isn't working he's freaking out about money and work. He has no desire to change his ways or his career. He's more worried about "being better than his brothers" than making a stable relationship with the mother of his son and being in his son's life. I know he's tired when he gets home but you need to stop beating around the bush. Tell him he needs to change jobs or work less hours. You need him there. Tell him everything you told us. Honestly though I think you should start financially preparing yourself for life without him and move.

[ForestofDreams]

Thanks for all the advice, it's helped a lot with clearing my head about what I should do. This weekend I did get to talk to him about it. I couldn't on Saturday since he was busy, but finally on Sunday I got to. At first he sort of had mixed opinions on the matter and he got angry for a bit saying he didn't want to live with me anymore. Then after he cooled off, he agreed that he never has time to do anything. He said if he takes a "rigging" job then his hours won't be as extreme. He can't just up and quit what he's doing now, but he said he'd make an effort with what he has until the show ends and he can pick a rigging job later on.

 

He took this Friday off. He said he will try and have a 4 day week instead of a 5 day week so then he can catch up on chores/sleep and also have a day where we can do things together. He said the job he has now, isn't living and that he hated the long hours. He also said he was afraid to talk to his boss, in fear of losing his job, but I told him I bet parents all around the world have to talk to their bosses about shift changes because of the kids and spending more time with them. He talked to his boss and he didn't mind the 4 day weeks. I'm glad he's already done a change. It makes me feel better about the future.

 

I still feel a bit distant around him since we never get to see each other, but hopefully the 4 day weeks will help us all bond in the way we should. He's definitely stressed about work but after talking to his boss he said "I'm actually looking forward to the change and the future now. I'm all excited!" and he seems happy today ...which I haven't seen in a while. He's definitely happy about the baby, I think he is just stressed because of providing and work (which never seems to end).

 

I'll see how this works out. Hopefully it gives us the time we really need as a family. Thank you again

[Batya33]

This sounds like wonderful progress! So happy for you and your family!

[Iggles]

This is awesome news! Now that he has talked to his boss it's very good that his anxiety towards having a reduced schedule has lessened.

 

Good luck going forward!

[Sarah691607309662]

I think your husband loves you and his son very much. I think leaving him would be a very sad thing to do. Obviously he has lots of issues to deal with and the main one - his anxiety when he is waiting for a new show and his determination to be better than his brothers. He is also probably defining himself through work.

 

I think it could be helpful if you start very gently encouraging him and showing your appreciation for his change he made for all of you. In this case he might see himself not only as a working robot but someone important in other sense. As a family member. He might have time to feel family love. Something tells me he will come around and you guys will be happy!

[ForestofDreams]

Thanks sarah, what a wonderful idea! I need to be more positive and supportive of his efforts. I try to be but I need to make sure I show him how valuable he is (without money). The frustration of us never being together has been sort of casting a fog over our relationship. I'm definitely going to make an effort too, since he did, to show him the appreciation he deserves. For the last 2 work days he diapered and fed our son right before leaving for work early in the morning just so I could sleep for a bit longer until the next feeding. He said he did it so then I'd feel better, which I thought was really nice of him. Usually our son wakes up at the crack of dawn (6-7am) for his feeding, and usually I do it, but he did it instead to try and help me rest more. I never asked for this, but he just did it as an act of kindness. I really appreciate his recent help and it shows me that he wants to work things out

[chitown9]

so happy for you. Once he sees how much happier he is, the more he will invest with you and your son. chi