DragonGirl724 Posted February 14, 2005 Author Share Posted February 14, 2005 well not for nothin cassiana youre in the right mind set. your fed up with it all & now you have the will power to tell him off & get over him FOR GOOD! the past is nothing but a series of memories & lessons, & thats all it should remain. take care, -DG724 Link to comment
vhshowdown Posted February 14, 2005 Share Posted February 14, 2005 I know we can get really pissed at our EXs, but my question to you is, does it do any good to tell our EXs off? I am going thru that dilemma right now, my EX hurt me pretty bad last week, and I was furious, but we havent spoken in 5 days, my anger is subsiding, but telling her off, is that really wise?? I mean, it is almost what they would be expecting. When we broke up last year, I hurt her pretty bad, and then she told me stuff to hurt me, using her words as a sword, and it did get to me. Then she tells me to never contact her again, I was so mad, I wasnt.... She contacts me a month later... I was still upset from what she said, no way was I giving her another chance. But now that I had moved on, she contacts me, and I do have feelings for her again, I guess that is why she was able to hurt me last week.... Link to comment
hockeyboy Posted February 14, 2005 Share Posted February 14, 2005 I know we can get really pissed at our EXs, but my question to you is, does it do any good to tell our EXs off? if your just mad and hurt and want to vent then no. if your just trying to stand your ground so your not being walked all over then it can be good. Link to comment
vhshowdown Posted February 14, 2005 Share Posted February 14, 2005 if your just mad and hurt and want to vent then no. if your just trying to stand your ground so your not being walked all over then it can be good. That is so true too hockey. But, I have found, myself included, people hold GRUDGES!! I am trying not to anymore, but its hard. Last week, I wanted so bad to tell her off, but I didnt. So, instead we are doing the NC thing. If she was to call or something, and start some crap, then I would stand my ground.... I personally dont think it will comes to this, I think the NC will last for weeks. So right now, I am trying to get strong again, so it wont be all about her next time... Link to comment
DragonGirl724 Posted February 14, 2005 Author Share Posted February 14, 2005 sometimes silence is your best defense. there are times in life people are going to screw you over, hurt your feelings, do you dirty & the list goes on....i feel its best not to scream at them & get carried away. itll only lead to more turmoil & its simply not worth it. i was extremely pissed at my ex. well 2 of them i got really angry with. one for hacking into my email & the other for being really hurtful & cold when all i was willing to do was forgive him for everything & maybe stay as cival friends. inside i wanted to scream & let off all my steam. but i swollowed my anger & put them in my past. i replied to one of my exs emails (which was pretty harshly written) & i just simply responded to what he said in his email & ended it with very calmly spoken statement. 'you arent 1/2 the man i thought you were.' i guess i was fooled. thats all..... its exactly how i felt. a strong statement expressed in a civilized manner. and honestly since then i havent felt any anger or hostility towards him or any other ex. its weird, i dont even care enough to hate them or be angry anymore. its just something we as people have to learn to cope with. youd be surprised how much better you feel after it all. -DG724 Link to comment
hockeyboy Posted February 14, 2005 Share Posted February 14, 2005 in the past i have flipped out on my ex...and i regret it. i was just so mad and so angry that i said mean things to her. i regret doing it. however..lately ive told my ex off but in a different way. i dont yell or get mad. i just calmly tell her what im thinking and how certain things shes done have been hurtfull. if she gets defensive i just stand my ground and say, your entitled to your opinion but i still feel the way i do. she ends up getting angry and then i can tell she usually regrets it. i rather be on the end that does not regret. yelling and screaming usually (to me) shows a lack of self control. i feel better about myself when im able to harness my feelings and express them in a productive way, rather then being a yelling screaming lunatic. ive been both. Link to comment
DragonGirl724 Posted February 14, 2005 Author Share Posted February 14, 2005 i have too been both. but i learned that that is not the way to handle situations. its best to not act like a raging animal. not much in life is worth gettin fired up over. im a much calmer person now in that sense. the most productive way is to be calm & cool & not let yourself get burned up over what people say. i dont care what people i dont know say about me i never cared. but in the past id get all bent over what people i care about said about me. ive grown up since then & realized you know what, let them do their thing & let them say their piece if they choose to behave this way so be it. i try to live my life with little to no regrets. -DG724 Link to comment
vhshowdown Posted February 14, 2005 Share Posted February 14, 2005 The other problem I have is my EX loves to argue at times. I have been a raving lunatic as well, like its in my blood. So, being that I have changed, and am changing, and she obviously hasnt, do EXs want the same person back, or a different variation?? Something would have to change, otherwise the same thing would happen that caused the breakup in the first place... I think my EX was expecting the old me back, and when she saw that I had changed a little, it caught her off guard maybe..... I mean we still had great times together the last couple weeks, but there was still some awkwardness.... People get set in their ways, so when people change, the EX might not like the new you. I personally want her to change only one or 2 aspects of her, but I wont try to change her. Link to comment
DragonGirl724 Posted February 14, 2005 Author Share Posted February 14, 2005 showdown, who cares if they like the new you. we all change & grow from experience. its just how humans are...well, the ones that are willing to learn & grow from their mistakes do. im not sure if youre worried what your ex is going to think of you in particular or if youre just speaking in general. but either way people need to stop worrying so much about what people think of them. just find happiness within yourself & love who you are & let everything else just flow around that. if you go thru something & come out a new & improved person, & if others dont like it theyll just slip right by you. they may be screaming & carrying on along the way but theyll pass you in time. if you keep yourself focused on whats ahead of you, whats behind you will be nothing more than a whisper from your past. -DG724 Link to comment
hockeyboy Posted February 14, 2005 Share Posted February 14, 2005 if you break up something has got to give, something has to change. it may be her, you, or both. but if you decide to change yourself, never ever do it for anyone besides you. change yourself because you want to...it may have the effect of getting your ex back but that should not me your motive..if that is your motive...you will fail at "changing yourself" maybe you can move on from your ex. i should not be talking because i too have been hung up on mine...but read my latest post about rejection...you too will have this moment when you not only believe and feel that there is more to your life then your ex (i think we all logically know this) but there will be a time when you actually KNOW it as a fact Link to comment
vhshowdown Posted February 14, 2005 Share Posted February 14, 2005 That is very good advice Dragon. You speak very good wisdom. I was more or less generalizing. But, true, a part of me thinks my EX was expecting me to be the same guy I was before. For the most part, I am that, but in others I have grown hopefully for the better. I guess what I am saying is, when you are in a relationship, people do change, and the most successful relationships grow and change together, where as when you have time apart, and you change, you may be changing a part of you that your EX didnt want to change?!?!?!? On the other hand, you may change, and when you have a chance with your EX, you might not not like what you see in them now either...... So, as I am writing this, I am having my doubts about my EX now. Is it all worth it? Would the same heart ache be there to put up with eventually? I had become happy the last several months with NC, I was still moving on. Now, I am hurt and depressed, and it sucks that no matter what is said or done, that someone can have an affect on you like this!! Link to comment
cassiana Posted February 14, 2005 Share Posted February 14, 2005 My ex dumped me last april and I have been a thorough lady since, mild supportive, I did the NC thing. I kept it all in and it has made me ill. this weekend my new boyfriend was laready taking me for granted and my brother was walking allover me. So I got angry with them both. They both apologised. My telling my Ex off will get me respect. Im a doormat no more. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 DOORMAT NO MORE!!! That's great! I like it. Link to comment
DragonGirl724 Posted February 15, 2005 Author Share Posted February 15, 2005 So, as I am writing this, I am having my doubts about my EX now. Is it all worth it? Would the same heart ache be there to put up with eventually? I had become happy the last several months with NC, I was still moving on. Now, I am hurt and depressed, and it sucks that no matter what is said or done, that someone can have an affect on you like this!! showdown, i personally understand your frustration. i have said the exact same thing you have written in bold type. i went through that as well. & i grew so damn pissed off & frustrated, upset, you name it! but ironically enough i never once felt angry towards my ex during that time.....and i later realized its b/c i had no reason at the time to be angry with him for having this control over me like this....b/c in all reality i was doing this to myself....as are you. it feels as if like God is messin w/ you by blessing you with love & feeling all the wonderful things that come with it....but it comes w/ a severe penalty at the end.....the most unbarable, frustrating, claustrophobic, long lasting feelings to follow! ive said it in the past that "im trapped in a world that doesnt exist anymore." it doesnt seem like a fair exchange. BUT people are put in these situations on a daily basis & 'survive' it & find happiness & love again...its only how you handle this situation that will be the determining factor as to how quickly you heal. sometimes people find it 'easier' & 'oddly comforting' to stay in this emotional rut. they fear whats on the other side. they fear letting go. they find unhappiness to be the norm & keep resorting back to it. (as you are when you say "I was still moving on. Now, I am hurt and depressed, and it sucks that no matter what is said or done,..") sorry to say it, but its your own doings & your own fears that keep pulling you back. but lets face it, youre terribly unhappy where you are right now so you need to get out of it. it cant possibly be worse on the other side if youre absolutly miserable where you stand right now. its like youre a ship & your past is your anchor....you can drift away from it only so far, & right when you feel detached & curious to see whats beyond your current state, it seems to draws you back....you have to face the fact that your past is going to keep you from exploring whats out there....its going to be a very sad story if you dont let go. you may be missing out on the person who can put that wind back in your sails. take care of yourself, -DG724 Link to comment
vhshowdown Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 DG724, You speak of wisdom beyond your years, that is for sure. Thank you for your input, it really means alot to me and it has made me think. Everything you said I am or have gone thru. Its nice to know I am not alone, although it is too bad we have had to go thru all this.... Right now, I am taking time to reflect on my past and learn from it, but I am also working on improving myself as well. But you are so true, I have to let go of the anchor.... I know it does get better, and advice from friends and people like yourself really helps, and makes me truly see my true colors at the moment. I am very vulnerable right now, I know that... I am somewhat afraid to move on now that I have seen what a good time we do actually have together, and I could miss out on something wonderful. I havent dwelled on the past with her at all, just show her what we are missing. I think she is seeing it also, I could be wrong. But yesterday she did tell me she had a "great time together" last time we were together. Now whether she said that cause she truly means it, or she said it just to keep me in the picture, I dont know. Only time will tell. But like I said, I am moving on, improving myself and getting stronger again, physically, mentally, and emotionally. What is it, 2 steps forward, one step back. I think that is where I am at now. Kind of an Indian Summer period, cause I was depressed after we truly broke up last year for months, and now I feel better each day alot faster..... Time will heal the wounds, I just cant keep dwelling on them and the past!! Thanks again DG724, I owe you alot..... Link to comment
DragonGirl724 Posted February 15, 2005 Author Share Posted February 15, 2005 DG724, You speak of wisdom beyond your years, that is for sure. Thank you for your input, it really means alot to me and it has made me think. Everything you said I am or have gone thru. Its nice to know I am not alone, although it is too bad we have had to go thru all this.... Right now, I am taking time to reflect on my past and learn from it, but I am also working on improving myself as well. But you are so true, I have to let go of the anchor.... thanks a lot man. i really appreciate it. and i never thought id ever say this, but, FORTUNATLY i speak from experience. for being only 21 i guess i have been through a lot in my years. but hey you know what they say: "what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger." cliches become cliches b/c they are so true so many times. lol crazy how things work huh. im glad to see youre seeing things from a new perspective....the view is a lot better from here isnt it? I am somewhat afraid to move on now that I have seen what a good time we do actually have together, and I could miss out on something wonderful. I havent dwelled on the past with her at all, just show her what we are missing. I think she is seeing it also, I could be wrong. But yesterday she did tell me she had a "great time together" last time we were together. Now whether she said that cause she truly means it, or she said it just to keep me in the picture, I dont know. Only time will tell. i bolded a portion of this exert for a reason....you said youre afraid of missing out on something wonderful while being with her. what about the chance that you could be missing out of something wonderful with someone new b/c youre so focused on the good times that you 2 had. hmmm...like i said in my past reply...you keep drifitng back to the anchor, you may be missing out on the real person thats meant to put the wind back in your sails. if things are meant to work out between you 2 then no matter what, they will. so if thats the case, then why fear being apart? if you may have a part of your brain that says 'we're meant to be i know it!'...then fine, go out test the waters with other people, what do you got to lose right. since youre so meant to be with eachother in the end. i think you fear drifitng from her b/c of your fear of change, youre fear of losing your security blanket. but again like i said in my previous reply....whats to be afraid of..."you cant possibly be any more worse off out there if youre absolutly miserable right where you stand." and when she said 'we had a great time together' more than likely she meant it. but that doesnt mean you 2 should get back together or that shes looking for that just b/c you shared fun times together. i dont think she was being manipulative or BSing you in that sense. she probably genuinly meant it. but maybe just as a reminiscening passing thought. But like I said, I am moving on, improving myself and getting stronger again, physically, mentally, and emotionally. What is it, 2 steps forward, one step back. I think that is where I am at now. Kind of an Indian Summer period, cause I was depressed after we truly broke up last year for months, and now I feel better each day alot faster..... Time will heal the wounds, I just cant keep dwelling on them and the past!! Thanks again DG724, I owe you alot..... im glad you feel that way. its good youre actually taking steps towards self improvement! keep doing it for yourself. itll take time to be completely ok w/ everything. but just keep posting. ill do what i can for ya. along with everyone else. happy to help. -DG724 Link to comment
hockeyboy Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 i think you should look at it this way. my ex ex left me about in september of 04'. we had been dating for 4 years at that point. of course i was heart broken and felt horrible. months later she tried coming back to me when i was with my new gf (my now ex) and i had to say no. i had thought about it before that and how it would be so vengeful to be able to turn her down..but when it came right down to it...i felt bad. i pitied her and i still do. i look at the life she has now compared to what she could have had. not to toot my own horn...but i went to school, got a good job, got a new car, my own place, am finanacially independent, and then im also nice, sweet, loving etc. she could have had that...but now she lives with her druggie bf in a tiny apartement thats attached to her parents house (who were always mean to her) she flunked out of school and will now be working in some small little shop that will take her nowhere in life. im rambling...but my point is...look at it this way...dont worry about missing out...if anything feel bad for her because she's missing out on you! Link to comment
vhshowdown Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 I understand what both you all are saying. I am not putting my life on hold because she may possibly want me back.... I am moving on, but I am leaving the door WIDE open for a few weeks, to see if we can possibly have something good happen to us. I was sitting here thinking that I owe that to myself, if she doesnt see the same as me, then I will move on, and I will not look back.... But to be honest, we have had alot of fun together, and I am thinking she was very afraid of US.... I may be drawing at straws right now, and I am seeing that I do still need to change, cause I feel threatened that she is going out with someone else. Well, I shouldnt feel like that. We aren't together.... Once I get over that feeling, then I know I am ready for another relationship, with my EX or someone else. I understand what you are saying, Hockey. I was with someone for 7 years, and was devasted after we broke up. A year later I found my now EX too. Had I dwelled, I would never had taken a chance with her. And my previous EX, got married less than a year later, and is already divorced, I loved it!! Link to comment
hockeyboy Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 so you were with another girl for 7 years, you were devastated and then found a new girl, done with her, and your devastated again? so you should know that the rollercoaster will go back up eventually. the key is to stop the ride when your highest in the sky Link to comment
vhshowdown Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 Well, i love roller coasters, just not these. And when you got an EX in the picture, it is easy to get side-tracked, its not like a new relationship, you spent time together. Well, my EX and I had alot of fun together, we had alot in common, even talked of marriage. Our families got in the way, our jobs got in the way, etc.... We broke up ugly, I went out with someone else when we tried to get back together, but the new-ness of someone else had me blinded. Now, that we have been together the last couple weeks and what not, I guess I realize truly that I want certain things in life, and I think she is part of those things. I dont want to force the issue, but just the chance to show her freely what we can have..... It may never happen, that is why I am only gonna do it for a few weeks.... Link to comment
DragonGirl724 Posted February 15, 2005 Author Share Posted February 15, 2005 i have the same story. i had one ex in particular come back to me after 6-7months broken up & we're remaining chill friends but he always tells me how much he regrets it. & says id do anything to get another chance w/ you, yure perfect for me bla bla bla. oh well. while i was w/ him i got him to pursue his passion in art, i helped him rekindle his relationship w/ his family, i over all supported him more than anyone ever did in his life & he broke up w/ me to go back to his ex gf. they broke up after a month & since then hes been w/ 2 diff girlfriends one was just graduating highschool & hes in his 20s & the other he is open to cheat on.....he still to this day asks me if id hook up w/ him! im glad i didnt take back a guy thats working at some putz job, no goals in life, doesnt know what he wants, & is living out of his GF's family's house & to top it all off will cheat on his gf at the drop of a dime. i feel bad for those people. i really do. i have other sad stories of exs that messed up big time lettin me go & that i can laugh about now but i wont bore you w/ all of those. oh well. sucks for them! -DG724 Link to comment
DragonGirl724 Posted February 15, 2005 Author Share Posted February 15, 2005 some couples find it best to get back together genuinely & can work things out. but not all. its ok to have it in the back of your mind but its another to let it be your life & your only option. jus keep your options open if its meant to be, it will. -DG724 Link to comment
hockeyboy Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 in general..it seems that the person who does the dumping (in serious long term relationships) ends up the loser. not sure why that is..but from all of what ive seen through friends and what not that seems to be the case. even my best friend..left his gf. although he is my friend..he was stupid to treat her the way he did and was stupid to leave her...now they are back together...but she has all the control and has him on a 2 inch leash. Link to comment
vhshowdown Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 ya, we all have to keep all options open. And no 2 inch leash here!! LOL I was the dumpee in this one, so part of me feels like she has the controls, which i guess she does. But understand, I have yet to come out to her and say we should get back together, this is what we have, oh you are gorgeous, I love you so much, etc.... I havent done any of that. In th epast I would do that. Just been myself, and if she likes me for me, that is all i need, i can take it from there. When she called yesterday and said she had a great time together last time we were together, makes me feel she is thinking now.... i dont think you would say that to someone when you are getting serious about someone else. I just have to figure out ways to get more into her life so I can show her? We are back to NC now I guess. So, did you all make it thru yesterday OK? I am just glad it s over, hate that holiday.... Link to comment
hockeyboy Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 But understand, I have yet to come out to her and say we should get back together, this is what we have, oh you are gorgeous, I love you so much, etc.... I havent done any of that. good...dont yesterday was fine. i went to hockey practice with the team...then i had the entire rink to myself for an hour. i didnt know i'd have that...but its the best present i could have asked for...a hockey rink to yourself is rare (expensive) i loved it...plus i got a good workout which made me feel good. a couple girls called me and left messages too, to say "happy vday" i didnt care though...wasnt an important day to me Link to comment
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