Does he need to drive?

[Glamourice]

Silly question but my friend and I were having this debate today. I'm not comfortable dating a guy who doesn't drive. If he can't afford it that's one thing but what if he makes good money but mooches rides etc and spends it on partying and other frivolous crap he doesn't need. I drive and pay a lot for it and it's a little masculinizing to have to drive my guy everywhere. Some people have agreed with me and I have another friend who won't even look at a guy without him having a vehicle and a license.

 

I've done it but it's not ideal, I also think it shows lack of ambition which is also a huge turn off for me. But is this really a reason to not date someone? A red flag perhaps?

[blueidealist24]

I used to say I didn't care, but recently I almost dated a guy who didn't have a car, and he thought I was going to drive about an hour to see him whenever he wanted me to while he just waited at home... it didn't work out for various reasons, but that was one of them, I didn't feel like doing that/couldn't do that without difficulty (I don't even have my own car, and just use a family car).

[1a1a]

Seems a bit black and white. Maybe you would pay it as the price of admission if the lack of driving was Not a reflection on a lack of ambition or stingy/moochiness. (For example, physically unable or choosing not to for ethical reasons.)

[Fudgie]

Where I live, you need a car to get around. I greatly prefer a guy to have a car just out of practicality and usefulness.

 

If I lived in a major city, I would not feel that way because many people in there don't have cars.

 

I also agree that the reason someone doesn't drive is the real make it or break it. Medical reasons or because he is getting through school or getting settled into a job and is waiting? Okay.

 

Does he not have a car because he's so bad with money, because of a DUI? Erm, pass.

[pippy longstocking]

I've done it but it's not ideal, I also think it shows lack of ambition which is also a huge turn off for me. But is this really a reason to not date someone? A red flag perhaps?

 

I'm sorry ....but what a horrible and sad opinion you and your friends have of men who don't drive . So I presume women as well .

 

what a shame !

 

as for your question is it a red flag ?

 

you are the red flag ...because personally I wouldn't entertain anyone with this kind of outlook.

[annie24]

I don't drive and don't have a license, but that's because i've always lived in big cities where a car was not needed. i take public transit or a cab. if i take a ride from a friend, i try not to mooch, and try to do something in return, like take them for lunch or pay for gas, whatever. It depends on where you live. I know lots of successful people without cars, especially when you live in a big city, it doesn't make a lot of sense. I can imagine if you live in a rural area, it can really make life difficult.

[Glamourice]

Well I do live in a big city but it doesn't have the greatest transit system, and even if it did I know guys who liked me but don't use it. They get rides with roommates or their parents. They are physically and financially able to have a set of wheels. That's where the ambition part comes in. Fair enough?

[annie24]

I guess it depends on the set of circumstances again. only you can be the judge of what you are willing or not willing to go out with.

[WithLove]

My ex didn't get his first vehicle til last year. The first 2 years of him without it was highly inconvenient. I got very tired of picking him up. That being said, he did take public transportation and for 2 years could not afford a vehicle, so it wasn't that he just didn't want to drive. He had his license and everything.

 

I can honestly see where you're coming from about not wanting to date someone that doesn't have a vehicle. If I didn't drive, it probably wouldn't bother me as much. I can't say it would be a deal breaker, but I don't know if it would work out very long.

[Fudgie]

Glamourice,

 

Okay, but still, not having a car does not mean that they don't have ambition. If they live in a big city and don't mind the transit, then that's enough for some people. Yes, they are successful and may have the money for a car but perhaps they just don't feel the need to spend it on a car when they can use transit. Parking and such can be expensive.

 

Just because you can afford something doesn't mean you have to have it. You seem to view a car as a status symbol rather than a useful utility.

[annie24]

great points fudgie! really, one huge reason why many of my friends and I don't have cars is because our apartments don't come with parking, so we have to pay for the car payments, gas, insurance, and then another $100-200 a month for a parking spot. So, like what - $400-500+ a month for this thing?? That's a lot of money and can be used in other ways (like a retirement account, vacation, new shoes, or even just paying off debt). If you're like me, and work at a hospital or a university, parking is scare and expensive, it's seriously easier to take a bus than to try to fight for parking day in and day out. It makes more sense to find an apartment on a bus line to work.

[Fudgie]

Yeah, it's much easier to have a car where I live, since most parking is free. I'm not in a city. Some poeple who have cars will just take a bus to work because parking is so expensive! I do not make much money so my workplace allows me to park for free but at other hospitals elsewhere, it can be $8-$15/day! Yikes!

 

City living is expensive so I can see why many don't own cars just because they are a pain.

[browneyedgirl36]

For me, whether it's a dealbreaker or not would depend on where we lived. In the city I live in -- a fairly large one in CA the public transportation is pretty abysmal. It doesn't go everywhere, and a lot of crime occurs ON the bus and train and at the stops, unfortunately. Plus, I once inquired as to which bus I would need for a seven-mile bus trip and was told that I would need to take THREE (!) separate buses and that the total ride would take two (!) hours. Two hours to go seven miles. I could have walked that in less than two hours! Plus, I commute 20 miles each way to one of my work sites a few times a week, and there's no public transport that goes there. So...I need a car, and I would expect a guy I was dating, particularly if he lived in one of my city's suburbs, to have one. Not because I'd think he was a loser or not ambitious if he didn't, but because I wouldn't want to be expected to drive him around everywhere or always pick him up for dates, go to his house if he lived far away, etc.

 

I once dated a guy who primarily rode his bike -- when the whether was good, which is pretty much all the time here. He did it for health reasons, for enjoyment, to save gas, etc. That didn't bother me at all. He did have a car, though, which was good because he lived one town over from me. If we had continued dating, I would have been fine with the bike, provided that at least sometimes he picked me up for dates (so I wasn't always the one driving) and that I wasn't always expected to drive long distances. Unfortunately, it didn't work out. Darn! He was really fit from all that bike riding!

 

In all seriousness, though, it would also depend on WHY someone didn't have a car, too. Because he didn't need one -- fine. Because he wanted to help the environment -- OK, just as long as I wasn't expected to drive him all around when we were dating and he wasn't constantly depending on me for rides everywhere. Because of a DUI -- Nope. Dealbreaker. Same with being too cheap to own a car because of poor money management and thinking he'd just take rides off others everywhere. It would really depend on a lot of factors. I have a friend -- female -- who doesn't own a car (mid 40-s). She lives with family, so she always has rides, but I have to admit that when I go to her town (my hometown) to visit, it's annoying because I ALWAYS have to drive EVERYWHERE. She COULD own one, but she says it's "too expensive." Granted, she's had trouble over the past few years with employment -- laid of from several jobs due to employers downsizing or closing up shop -- so she probably doesn't want to invest a lot in a car given her experiences with unemployment.

 

I guess it comes down to a lot of factors for me. I wouldn't judge someone solely on this unless it appeared in other ways that he was an opportunist/user or he had drug/alcohol problems or serious issues with managing money that would preclude him from owning a car in a city where it's pretty much a necessity.

[luminousone]

Hmmmm....

 

I don't think being a non driver is a problem in and of itself. If a guy has chosen to forego driving in order to save up money for a house or a car, then I get it. Or maybe his work is within walking distance.

 

My nephew let his license lapse because he can't afford a car or the insurance. It was a little inconvenient over the holidays, but I know how spendy it is for someone just out of their teens.

 

So it is really dependent on who he is as a person, not the fact that he drives or he doesn't.

 

I would be more concerned about this:

If he can't afford it that's one thing but what if he makes good money but mooches rides etc and spends it on partying and other frivolous crap he doesn't need.

 

And I would also wonder, given the above, if he had lost his license because of partying.

 

A man who does not have a car can still take a woman on a date via a taxi ride. Or just arrange to meet somewhere independently.

[Glamourice]

And what if he doesn't drive but has the money and will drop $500 partying with his friends and on alcohol and bars? Never had a license in the first place?

[Fudgie]

And what if he doesn't drive but has the money and will drop $500 partying with his friends and on alcohol and bars? Never had a license in the first place?

What is he, a 21 year old trust fund brat? If he's dropping that kind of money on alcohol and partying regularly, you have a lot more to worry about than whether or not he has his own ride.

[Glamourice]

Oh, and strip clubs! So deal breaker then right?

[annie24]

i think you should choose your own deal breakers. we can't do that for you. i consider wearing socks with sandals a deal breaker.

[Fudgie]

Oh, and strip clubs! So deal breaker then right?

Ick ick. For me, heck yes.

[annie24]

are we talking about a strip club once a year for a friend's bachelor party or is this a regular thing??

[Glamourice]

Regular thing sometimes just for the sake of it but of course also for specific events such as bachelor parties birthdays etc. and his buddies or siblings drive him to these establishments.