Are nice guys doomed?!!

[ojk85]

It's been around 7-8 weeks post break up, a few days ago, I broke NC for the 2nd time and greeted her for the holidays, she replied nicely then I signed off the app I used. Thought I was just being nice, but didn't realize I dug my own grave and now I'm wallowing with her in my mind since then. I should've known better. After that, just been snooping around her Instagram, found out she went surfing with a guy yesterday, oh great, thats just awesome, my friend scolded me saying it was pathetic and now I'm swallowed up again in misery all over again...

 

I don't get it sometimes, I have always been the nice guy, and always have been dumped. My ex would always stop in front of the door because I always opened it for her, we rarely held hands because I want her to hold my arms instead, I cook, I'm athletic, I have a stable career, I come from a good family, I took good care of her - like a queen, and I don't really get why she asked for space and broke up with me. My best friend told me that I should always hold my head high, I treated her the way every woman wants to be treated...

 

I know, I know, I'm not perfect - I have flaws, and just give it time and I will move on, I will eventually find someone who will take good care of me and appreciate me. etc etc. The problem is, I am always attracted to spoiled little girls - period. The countless nice girls I have dated, I never pursued - even now: I'm talking to my friends sister and she's pretty and nice like an angel, and I'm not attracted to her, I just want to be friends. OMG what's wrong with me? Am I stuck in this cycle of good guy falls for spoiled unappreciative girls all my life?

 

Sorry I'm just ranting, it might be too soon for me to be talking to girls anyways... Thanks for reading.

[IAmFCA]

Do not confuse "nice" with "good". They are not the same. Be intentional. Do what is right even when it is not what is easy. Nice often equals easy. Good yields respect and results.

 

In this context, yes, nice guys finish last because they often try to please everyone and in so doing demonstrate their own lack of a moral compass, their inability to defend what is of value to them.

 

I do not mean to rant at a time that is painful for you, but I do wish to dispel the myth that Nice is a universal value.

[ojk85]

Do not confuse "nice" with "good". They are not the same. Be intentional. Do what is right even when it is not what is easy. Nice often equals easy. Good yields respect and results.

 

In this context, yes, nice guys finish last because they often try to please everyone and in so doing demonstrate their own lack of a moral compass, their inability to defend what is of value to them.

 

I do not mean to rant at a time that is painful for you, but I do wish to dispel the myth that Nice is a universal value.

 

Right.. No offense taken. I appreciate every advice and wisdom I can get from here. I want to grow from this. Thanks!

[IAmFCA]

Right.. No offense taken. I appreciate every advice and wisdom I can get from here. I want to grow from this. Thanks!

 

And so you shall. I commend your attitude!

[milly007]

Nice guys are not doomed. In fact, I think we need more good, nice men out there in today's world.

 

It sounds like you need to re-evaluate the type of women you are dating/interested in. Are you sure it's spoiled, unappreciative women you're drawn to? Maybe you just like a strong-minded, assertive type of woman?

[Capricorn3]

No, nice guys are not doomed. Don't confused a nice guy with a doormat - they are very very different.

[ojk85]

It sounds like you need to re-evaluate the type of women you are dating/interested in. Are you sure it's spoiled, unappreciative women you're drawn to? Maybe you just like a strong-minded, assertive type of woman?

 

Yhepp. All my Ex's are Aries's, and they tend to be strong minded. Maybe I just have a bit of bitterness from saying spoiled. Hehe.

[ojk85]

No, nice guys are not doomed. Don't confused a nice guy with a doormat - they are very very different.

 

Yes thats true, I have been a doormat before so I know the difference. My last relationship was rather great. Shes cute and girly, independent while likes to be treated like a princess, I thought we were in the direction of getting married, so I'm a bit dumbfounded right now. I forgot to mention it was an LDR - might be a factor...

[90_hour_sleep]

Do not confuse "nice" with "good". They are not the same. Be intentional. Do what is right even when it is not what is easy. Nice often equals easy. Good yields respect and results.

 

In this context, yes, nice guys finish last because they often try to please everyone and in so doing demonstrate their own lack of a moral compass, their inability to defend what is of value to them.

 

I do not mean to rant at a time that is painful for you, but I do wish to dispel the myth that Nice is a universal value.

 

I wholeheartedly second this. Nice and good are not the same. The way we typically describe 'nice' is representative of people-pleasing. It's such an unappealing quality...and beyond that, it almost encourages others to take advantage. An open invitation.

 

ojk85, how do you feel about the idea that you tend to attract people who are reflective of where you're at yourself? Maybe the women you're selecting can offer you some clues as to what is ''lacking'' inside of you. Do you attract spoiled women because some part of you is so keen to be a pleaser? If that's the case...where does your need to please come from? I think for some, it's indicative of an aversion towards conflict. If we're always pleasing, then there won't be reason for conflict. It's like a pre-emptive strike on potential problems. The drawback is that it's not a very authentic way to be. When we're doing our best not to ruffle feathers, we're usually stifling parts of ourselves that are aching to be expressed. Repression is painful.

 

How's your self-confidence? Do you feel good without a partner? Do you have your own dreams...ambitions...passions? Do you express disappointment, discomfort, anger, sadness, frustration, etc?

 

Just throwing things out there.

[ojk85]

Wow this really hits a spot... My best friends (they're both girls) considers me a nurturer, provider or "pleaser", meaning I enjoy spoiling my girlfriends. But on that note, they also said that I have to be with someone who will spoil me back or treat me the same or else I would just be draining myself. I have had ex's who treated me nice but I always have fall outs with them. Im pretty confident alone, like I know what I want in life, goals and hobbies are great, I love to run and hike, Im pretty outgoing to try new things. My problem is, I have only been single for 4 months since I was 16 (while having booty calls) so right now, Im pretty lonely and I honestly don't know what to do about it. Like it might be a good time for me to take a long time being alone but man, atm is pretty hard.

[milly007]

Yhepp. All my Ex's are Aries's, and they tend to be strong minded. Maybe I just have a bit of bitterness from saying spoiled. Hehe.

 

Well, there are strong-minded (non-spoiled) women out there who are appreciative of good men who treat them right. You just have to find them.

 

And isn't there a saying that we are who we attract?

 

I'm not sure if there's any truth to this, but if it is, I have some work to do myself. Haha...

[ojk85]

Well, there are strong-minded (non-spoiled) women out there who are appreciative of good men who treat them right. You just have to find them.

 

And isn't there a saying that we are who we attract?

 

I'm not sure if there's any truth to this, but if it is, I have some work to do myself. Haha...

 

Yeah. I believe that too.. I will give it time and not give up. Thanks! Good Luck!

[Rosti87]

OP,

 

I think a long break is a good idea. I would not date until that desperate lonliness you feel has dissapated. If you try to go after a woman right now in your present state you will dig a bigger hole than the one you have right now. I would reflect on why you need to put women that you love on pedastals. You can treat them well without allowing them to walk all over you. Trust me if a woman truly respects you she will appreciate your backbone. If she does not respect you she will walk away and move on which is actually a blessing in disguise.

[ojk85]

OP,

 

I think a long break is a good idea. I would not date until that desperate lonliness you feel has dissapated. If you try to go after a woman right now in your present state you will dig a bigger hole than the one you have right now. I would reflect on why you need to put women that you love on pedastals. You can treat them well without allowing them to walk all over you. Trust me if a woman truly respects you she will appreciate your backbone. If she does not respect you she will walk away and move on which is actually a blessing in disguise.

 

I try to look in the bright side of it, I wasn't always happy with her. I just feel sort of robbed, and I do try to get over that. Tell me about talking to women right now, the ones I try to talk to avoid me and the ones I don't really like bugs me. I guess just making friends is enough. Thanks!

[benea]

Hi okj85, I'm so sorry that you're hurting too. While reading your post I feel as if you're writing about me! I too, wonder if nice and good girls finish last. I sent my ex a Christmas message too (unlike yours, mine never replied). I just saw on Facebook this morning a bunch of pictures of him having fun the past few months post breakup. How that hurt. Like you, I was told by all my friends that I was the best girlfriend. I cooked for him, brought him dinner every night (had to walk 20mins to town to get food) when he was working late in the office on his project, stocked the fridge with all his fave foods, made him tea in the morning... And I'm still dumped too. He claims he doesn't feel attracted to me anymore. Like you, I'm successful in what I do, athletic (I try to run at least 5k a day), funny, good family...

 

What I'm trying to say is, I was told, one of the reasons that he broke up with me is that he feels that he can't do all these things for me. He feels he can't measure up to all the giving. He feels he doesn't deserve all this. He told me I made him feel special but the doesn't know how to reciprocate. For him that equates him having no attraction for me anymore.

 

So maybe that is one of the problems that we both need to work on. We lost ourselves in our relationships. We like to take care of people and they don't know how to deal with so much giving on our parts. It's not that we are attracted to spoiled people. I would like to think that we are attracted to people whom we think needs taking care of but they don't and we, in our giving, push them away or suffocate them.

 

I used to think of myself as too nice, too good, or a doormat (sometimes I still do) but I've been told that these are good qualities (except the doormat part). I'm sure that you being nice and good and wonderful will find someone who deserves all that you have to give and would give you the same. I try to believe that myself too

 

A close friend told me that one day, many years down the road, our exes will look back at this relationship (when their current partners yell at them and make their lives miserable) and regret that they let us go. We are the ones that got away. There's something to be said about being nice, good and decent. We leave fond memories behind for our exes. We are not the ones who set their clothes on fire or throw them out the window (I folded and packed my ex's clothes into his suitcase). I'd like to think that my generosity, goodness and kindness will be qualities that will attract someone else, someone better. So I hope for you that you will find someone who deserves you too.

 

In the meantime, chin up, stay strong. May the new year bring you all the happiness, joy and love that you deserve.

 

P.S. Sorry for the rambling. It was a tough morning...

[ojk85]

So maybe that is one of the problems that we both need to work on. We lost ourselves in our relationships. We like to take care of people and they don't know how to deal with so much giving on our parts. It's not that we are attracted to spoiled people. I would like to think that we are attracted to people whom we think needs taking care of but they don't and we, in our giving, push them away or suffocate them.

 

Hey Benea! Thanks for reading! Yes, it wasn't an easy day, that's probably the reason why I posted here, ENA is pretty much the only place where I can voice myself out...

 

I'm sorry that you are going through the same thing, it's not so great to feel this way. I think that I'm still at a loss, I still can't accept what happened, along with missing her and what we had. Before this relationship I have had a lot of terrible ones. I prayed and prayed hoping that I'll be able to love again, and promised that the next one would be my last and then she came, like lightning. I was obsessed with this idea that if I did everything right then everything will be great and we'll live happily ever after, but thats not the case. I'm embarrassed to say that my thoughts were like that of a fairy tale, and we all know those only happen in books and movies. Reality isn't as simple and kind, people change...

 

Maybe I just feel robbed, of my fantasies, the plans I always imagined, the trips we were supposed to take, etc. - maybe because I got too far ahead that I was suffocating her like you mentioned. Its just today, like some other days, its hard to swallow. We both have to know our worth and be with the one who deserves us, eventually. Thanks again and I wish you a great New Year. Good Luck!

[invisibleheart]

Hi ojk85, I can't describe how much I can relate in the insights and situation discussed here.

 

Benea's shared story was spot on, and the last part is encouraging enough to know amidst having our relationship ended gives hope that indeed someday we'll find someone whom we deserve.

 

I can't give much of an advice but know that your not alone. Stay strong.

 

Indeed, may this year be a great one!

[relevart]

"Nice guys finish last" is typically the kind of things some guys tell themselves in order to give up on dating. My advice is simple: Shut up and get yourself out there! Find better people! Find a nice girl! Stay off advice forums asking if "Nice guys are doomed?"

[Rosti87]

I try to look in the bright side of it, I wasn't always happy with her. I just feel sort of robbed, and I do try to get over that. Tell me about talking to women right now, the ones I try to talk to avoid me and the ones I don't really like bugs me. I guess just making friends is enough. Thanks!

 

You probably should not talk to women right now considering your present state. They will smell it on you and run.

[Ms Darcy]

I understand the pity party. No one feels like they deserve to be dumped.

 

But just remember that both men and women are dumped everyday. The bottom line is that the other person doesn't feel you are right for them - for whatever reason. Treating others well is an expectation - not a bonus. But that is not the only factor in figuring out if someone is right for you.

 

Hope you feel better.