How much NC before all hope should be lost?

[skynet74]

Just a curious question. My Ex and I were together for 10 years. Lived together for almost the entire time. Things fell apart a year ago when she decided to see if the grass was greener on the other side. We briefly reunited for a couple of months..... but then broke up again for the Final time in MAY. She just didn't want me anymore. For the next four months I tried to do everything possible to get her back. She just kept pushing me further and further away. She finally got to the point where she did not even want to be friends with me. She then changed her cell phone number so I would stop calling and proceeded to let me just fade out of her life.

 

I'm 36. She's 31. She was always very loving and caring. However near the end of our time together she suddenly turned selfish. Started drinking more, partying more, Dating around and just not caring about anyone but herself. She started this reckless lifestyle which is very uncharacteristic of the person she had always been. When she first left I looked at her behavior as signs of an early Mid-Life crisis. Some agreed. Others didn't.

 

So anyway.... I made my last phone call to her on Septemvber 25th. That conversation was the final straw for me. I was about to move out of the home we had shared. Told her I may move to the other side of the country. I asked her if she wanted to see me to say Goodbye. Her response to me was........

 

WHY?

 

 

For me... that was it. She kicked me out of her life and with that one single word she had just put a Giant Exclamation Mark on the end of our relationship. To her I was not even worth seeing one last time. That hurt me to no end. The simple fact that we shared 10 Close years together and she didn't even have the tiny desire to see me again. It's not like I ever did anything bad either. She even admitted that I never did any One Thing that was that bad. She told me that it was all the little things that drove her nuts. The nitpicking etc... that all couples eventually deal with. But for some reason it got to the point where it became to much for her. It's very sad though because I still love and miss her deeply. Not for the person she is now... but for the person she was for most of our relationship. To me.. that will always be the REAL her.

 

So my question is this. How long a period of No Contact has to go by before it becomes unlikely you'll ever get back together. Is there a point where it just becomes totally hopeless? It's been almost four months since we've spoken. I have not attempted to contact her and she has not contacted me either. As each day passes are we a day closer to being together (or) are we just a day further away from ever seeing each other again? I would like to think that she won't Always hold onto this grudge, anger and/or resentment that she seems to have towards me. We were always so close. She turned into a totally different person towards the end. I guess I am just waiting for the nice version of my Ex to hopefully return. As much as I try to get over her .... I still miss her.

 

 

 

 

John

[usied]

i know its hard. but why worry ...she sounds like a not so nice person ..shes not who she used to be, so you should be happy you are rid of her ..four months is pretty long to not talk to someone ..id just take that as a cue to move on and find true happiness , good luck

[Amasa]

It really depends on your situation. I waited three years. Well, I didn't wait. It just happened. But, I think you should let her go, and work on you , so if she does come back on day you'll be a better person.

[planb]

I established NC 6 months ago after I turned embarrassingly desperate and he turned extremely mean. I feared that he was not going to come back when I heard he was chasing skirts within 3 weeks of breaking up with me. I realized that he was not coming back when he stopped asking our mutual friends about me and when he did not congratulate me on a recent significant achievement (that he found out about through mutual friends). But it really sunk in that things were beyond repair when we did briefly run into each other - all he said was "hi" to me, but he proceeded to talk to my date for about 10 minutes (after I politely excused myself) in a way that had me wondering whether they were long lost college buddies.

 

So, based on my most recent experience, I think that the end was "the end", and there is no amount of NC that is going to change that.

[Rainy]

The way she has treated you was very bad in deed!! my only advice for you is to try and get on as normal as you can, and live your life for you!!, its hard and the no contact rule can be hard going too but its a must, it helps you greive and and get over the hurt, and hopefully one day get over her!!, I have tried the no contact rule and believe me it does work, you need to distance your self, everytime you are in contact and here her voice or message and its not what you want to hear it only reopens the wound for you!!,

 

you deserve to be treated better and one day when you are healed you will find someone that you deserve and treats you right!!

 

dont give up, miss right is out there!!

[shockeddismayed]

I agree with the others Skynet,

 

There is no timeframe that matters... time is not the issue here.

 

What is the issue is the way she treated you. It was not fair.

 

Whether you miss her or not, you must realize that the old her no longer exists. You've seen no evidence to the contrary. So force yourself to grieve that loss as if she has passed away and never coming back.

 

You've got plenty to give, and it is time for you to love yourself again.

 

If someday in the future, she does regret her decision, you can "cross that bridge when you come to it", but for now there is no point in worrying.

[twelve]

You did nothing wrong, i am saying this because you said she said you did nothing wrong.

thereforeeee as hard as it is there is no reason for you to contact her because it is her that should be doing it.

 

And if you two are meant to be together, she will realise this and her wrong doing, and the small things you did will seem pathetic and she will contact you again.

focus on how horrible she is and how you are worth so much more than that because you are.

There are many other woman out there, who wil love and respect you more, whom you can fall in love with too, when you are ready, and it may be tomorrow you meet someone or two years away.

As for time, I really think the amount of NC does not matter, whether it be five years, 10 years or two months or two weeks.

Cheesy as it sounds if its true love, that love will always be around in a person.

I still love people i haven't seen in YEARS.

I have moved on, but will always have a soft spot and if the relationship could happen again and be good id do it again.

so dont worry about time ok

It can take a long time for people to change so don't be in any panic.

You do never know if you are meant to be together again, but every day that goes on is not less and less chance, and if you are meant to be, you will sort things out.

Good luck

[twelve]

hug

[fantasia2004]

Hi skynet,

 

 

listen to me she will not come back 10 years is a long time. she is not worth it, you are. so let go and live life.

[twelve]

she is not worth it that is correct.

live life and meet better people, its not easy but you will

[alphonsefa]

I know first hand that the only opportunity of getting back with someone is to ignore them. Every attempt you make to get someone back that dumped you only lowers you and makes you more unattractive to them. Now when the breakup first occurs, there is nothing wrong with getting things off your mind and venting a little. In other words, gather all of the things you wanted to say before you move on your way, and put them in an email or a phone call. Don't ever ask the person to come back, just say what you need to say to clear your conscience.

 

I had a girl I knew from high school, who I met 20 years later and fell madly in love with, take me for the ride of my life. She had just come out of a 6 year abusive relationship, with a dirt ball. Things were clear sailing with us for months, her happiness and comfort were no act. It was as close to a perfect relationship as you could get, or so I thought. The guy that abused her has her so mentally screwed up, that it's like a drug that she can't shake (her words). I ignored the depth of it because on a looks and career achievment level, he wasn't in my league. But like you said, I saw this fabulous woman go through a Jekyl and Hyde transforamtion within a 3 hour period. The person I spoke to at 12pm wasn't the one I spoke to at 3pm that same day. Evidently he came back in the picture and I got dumped. I sent 2 emails and spoke to her twice on the phone the next week. Never did I ask her to come back. The only points I stressed were that this guy is going to ruin her life and listed point by point what he was going to do and say to her.

 

I received a response to the second email that started off, "I can't take this anymore, it's bordering on harrasment". Then a detailed explination of why she did what she did. I never responded to the email, I had said what I had to say, and knew any further contact would have the opposite effect. Well, 2 weeks later I get a hysterical, crying, messaged left on my machine saying, "everything you said that would happen is happening, I just wanted you to know that". She knew that she had hurt me badly and in her moment of hurt after getting in a fight with him, she picked up the phone to let me know how miserable she was so that I would have some sense of vengance. Well as things played out, we got together for about another month after that, but the damage had already been done. The trust factor couldn't be regained and it slowly worked itself into the relationship until it ultimately drove us apart.

 

But, the thing I found most interesting after we reconciled and were dating again, was when she said, "you never responded to my last email, why?". Remember, she started of that email, "I can't take it anymore, this is bordering on harrasment". It stuck with her that I had let it go and ignored her. The biggest problem people make is doing the opposite of what helps them. The best way to make someone think of you is to ignore them. Let them go do what they want to do. The grass is rarely greener on the other side. You said you treated her well, probably a lot better than most guys are going to treat her. But take solice in knowing that whether she wants to or not, she will draw constant comparisons between how you treated her and how she is being treated now. As long as you gave her your best, you have nothing to be sad about. She'll feel it when you let her go and she realizes what she may have lost. Just like the song says, "Don't Know What You Got Until It's Gone". But to make that happen, you have to be gone!

[Mun]

I think she has made it very clear that she is no longer interested in being with you. You really have no choice here but to move on.

 

The sooner you start, the sooner you get back out there and find the kind of woman who is right for you.

 

Best wishes!

[CAFEMCYC]

I did NC for 7 months before I heard from my ex and then to make a long story short we worked out problems on both sides and we are now geting married this year. we had been together 4 years before the split.

 

We are happy and getting even better.

 

But the main thing is when I did no contact I worked on myself and did not even worry abou her. I just figured she got what she deserved when things were going crappy for her, without fixing her problems. I worked on my problems and worked on myself so I was happy.

 

When we started talking again we went slow and cleaned out the closets before even going on a date. I felt at the time that it was take it or leave it. I loved her, but was not going to go nuts to make it work. I just put out waht had changed with me, let her see it and she did the same. It's never easy but it does work if people have grown and are willing to try and be honest.

 

I also know though that if we had never talked again I would still be happy now with the new life I was living.

 

Life is not long enough to go through it in doubt and misery.

[lilred]

I don't have a time line for you, but i didn't talk to my ex for 1 year, and he called me out of the blue one day, not b/c he was interested in getting back together w/ me, but rather b/c it was the "right time" for him and he only wanted to be friends. So my point is, even if the contact does start again in the future, there's no guarentee that she wants to rekindle anything at all. You've really got to move on, think of it in your mind as if she remarried, moved to another country, or even vanished. If those things really happened, you would be sure to lose your love for her faster.

 

Anyhow, do you really want to be in a relationship where it is unbalanced? you deserve a gf that loves you just as much as you love her. You don't want to be the one who is pleading for her love, that's just pathetic. Have some self dignity and know that you have all this love to give, and ready to give it......just not to this woman. I know this is hard, and we have all been through this...but time does heal all wounds, it seriously does...and sorry but i don't have a time line for that either. Take care.