planb

I established NC 6 months ago after I turned embarrassingly desperate and he turned extremely mean. I feared that he was not going to come back when I heard he was chasing skirts within 3 weeks of breaking up with me. I realized that he was not coming back when he stopped asking our mutual friends about me and when he did not congratulate me on a recent significant achievement (that he found out about through mutual friends). But it really sunk in that things were beyond repair when we did briefly run into each other - all he said was "hi" to me, but he proceeded to talk to my date for about 10 minutes (after I politely excused myself) in a way that had me wondering whether they were long lost college buddies. So, based on my most recent experience, I think that the end was "the end", and there is no amount of NC that is going to change that.

Thanks for the advice. Intellectually, I like the advice: the idea of forgiving him - forgiving him for being such an awful person at times during and after the relationship. But whether I can actually convince myself to do it is another thing. I am still pretty disgusted that someone who told me for 3 years that I was the center of his universe could -within a week after breaking up - tell me that: "I've moved on, I'm not attracted to you anymore, you are not the love of my life, I don't want to be friends," etc. Emotionally, the idea of just writing him off seems a lot easier. And who knows, maybe it's a pride thing too.

I ended a 3-year relationship in May, 2004. It was an ugly break-up, involving a month of me groveling and begging, him becoming mean, and then me establishing NC - which has not been broken for 5 months. In the background (since January 2004) was a great guy who really liked me, who I have now dated for 4 months. I really care for my new boyfriend, but he is concerned that I am not completely over my old boyfriend. After some heavy prodding on his part, I admitted that I still have anger towards my old boyfriend and that I have no desire to see him because it will just stir up unwanted feelings, but I don't want that relationship back (because there are things that just won't change) and I don't think my negative feelings about the past relationship are preventing me from moving forward in another relationship. Has anyone else been in this situation? How have you handled it - both with your significant other (how to communicate what you are feeling?) and with yourself (am I really not over it?)

How great to meet someone you are excited about getting to know better. I'm not sure how long you two have been corresponding, but I am assuming that you know enough about him and have been able to verify certain information that you are comfortable about being safe (e.g., the white pages list him as who he says he is; you've learned about his family, job and it all checks out)? If so, I would definitely go meet him. Some of my greatest interpersonal connections have occurred when I took chances in life. At the same time, to guarantee that you have a good time in New Jersey regardless of the connection with this man, I would suggest having a back-up plan: hotel, transportation, etc., just in case things aren't what you expected when you arrive. Good luck. Please let us know what you decide!

Interesting question. It got me thinking about in which role I fit. I think that in some relationships, I am the ice maiden and in others i am the needy girl - can anyone explain that? do you think it's just based on my interest level in the other person, their personality, or both?

If you both want the same thing out of the relationship, relax and do not let the age difference get in the way of a great experience. But if she wants to get married and have kids, and that's not what you want, I'd start talking about that sooner rather than later. I dated a man with a similar age difference for 3 years. As Charles Dickens said, "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times." We had so many common athletic interests; we traveled well together; our personalities complemented each other; he was always there for me. The problem though was that he did not want to get married again or have children; these were "deal breakers" in my book. He particularly did not want to have us get married because, in his words "in 10 years, it will be a mess. in 20 years, your friends will be going to their children's high school graduations, and you will be taking care of an old man." I turned a blind eye towards all of this the first year because I had fallen in love. But I knew that at some point, I wanted a family. I became tortured with whether to "live in the moment" or "plan for my long-term future" and break things off. I even tried to date men "age appropriate" while I was with him (he knew about it), in an attempt to feel as though I was going to find my Mr. Long-term. But of course, everyone paled compared to him. We finally separated (I broke it off because I wanted to be with someone who would commit and have children, but when I tried to go back to him because I missed him, he said no, it was time for me to find someone my age who could give me what I need). So, I guess that's my long answer to your question. Yes, I have been in your situation (only from the perspective of your g-friend), and my advice to you is that if you are compatible and share the same life values, hold unto her, and don't be afraid of aging with her.

My advice is to look beyond the age difference, and focus on the other areas of compatibility: do you want to get married, and is he willing to remarry? do you want kids and if so, does he? do you have similar lifestyles? will he treat you as an equal or will he see himself in a power position and be somewhat condescending about your wants/needs? what will happen when he retires - will he support your career, or will he want to be off playing and how will that make you feel? I think you need to think about these bigger picture things before getting too emotionally involved with this man. Until 2 months ago, I was dating a man 30 years my senior (I am 33). We dated for just over 3 years. We went into the relationship both joking about how it was doomed because of our age difference, but wanting to have fun and enjoy each other. Along the way, we realized we were soulmates; I fell in love hard. Unfortunately, there were several "deal breakers" that no matter how much you love someone, they do not go away. He finally broke it off and told me that I needed to find someone "that can take me to the places I need to go and that he cannot take me (marriage, family, etc)." So now I am left dealing with not being with him. In hindsight, if I would have just thought it through before following my heart (and libido), I would have just enjoyed the flirtation and not acted upon it. Of course, not every age-gap relationship will turn out like mine. I'm just only offering some cautionary tips as a result of my ending. good luck.

Thanks for the advice from everyone. I did not go to the event, but I ended up seeing him a few days later at another event (our lives are so intertwined). I ended up asking him to go to happy hour; he said it was not a good idea. This basically confirmed that it was over [one would think i have enough confirmation by now]. I will continue to try the NC rule. Yes, the break-up was age related. He thinks that in 15 years our relationship would have been a "disaster", me still young, and him an old man. He thinks that I need to "go places" (marriage and family) that he cannot take me. He said that I am wasting my most marketable time with him, and that I need to start looking for Mr. Right. I always thought that his philosophy was a little too paternalistic (I'm 33; I can decide what is right for me) and at times, questioned whether he was using age as a cop-out for a commitment. The main reason for our fights and short break-ups was because of this dynamic. Anyway, thanks again for the responses. It was nice to have some place to turn and get such honest and helpful feedback.

Ok. Need some quick advice for tomorrow. Boyfriend and I broke up in late May [i initiated because I was unhappy with his lack of emotional openness and his inability to commit, but then a couple of days later I tried to get him back, and he said "no way, it's over and needed to be over a long time ago" As background, I am in my 30s and he is singificantly older than me; we have been together 3years; we have had minor break-ups twice before, both initiated by me, both ending by me begging for him back after a couple of weeks of rejection by him]. This time, I read about and tried to implement the no-contact rule. Unfortunately, we share many similar activities and circles of friends (yuck). Two weeks after the break-up, he showed up at a competitive event that I was at (and he knew I would be there). We ignored each other (I know, immature; can you believe we are adults?). Then, I ended up calling him; he came over; I threw myself at him, both emotionally and physically; he totally rejected me, he said this break-up is permanent; and told me I will find Mr. Wonderful; he left; I was devastated. Fast forward to today (one week since my humiliating plea to get him back; no contact since then). I have another competitive event tomorrow that he knows I will be at. I ended up calling him this morning and asking if he was going to be at the event tomorrow. I needed to know so I could prepare for dealing with him. He said "he tried to get out of it, but it looks like he will be going." Although I wanted to say "stay away from my activities if you really want this to be over," all I said was "ok" and hung up. I have already committed to going tomorrow - I can't back out. But how am I going to handle it? How do I prevent myself from not obsessing about him while we were are at the event? I'm just afraid seeing him is going to land me right back where I was at a couple of weeks ago. It's obvious I'm not over him. And deep down, although I would love to still be with him, I know in the end he will not be able to commit to me and give me children (because of the age difference), so we will have to break up at some point again anyway. So, any advice? Thanks.