How To Get Over Someone... guaranteed

[califb]

Things to keep in mind:

The person who loves the least in a relationship has the most power.

 

The following is guaranteed to make you feel MUCH better and GREATLY lessen the feelings of anxiety and withdrawal you are feeling. It will make this period of transition much easier by helping you to keep things in perspective.

 

First of all, until you know you are over the other person do not allow yourself to think about any of good times you had, or anything about your relationship that you miss. Thinking about the good times will only make you miss the other person more, cloud your thinking, and prolong the separation anxiety.

 

The next thing is just as important and has to be done if you want to feel better (this works like magic, guaranteed - Do it and you will be amazed at how much better it makes you feel). Get yourself a spiral notebook, legal pad, or even several sheets of lined paper that has been stapled together and list of everything you can think of that the other person did during your relationship that ever hurt or betrayed you. Also list every habit or trait of theirs that annoyed you or that you hated about them. Every time they put you down, or cheated on you, or didn't come home, or lied, or took you for granted, etc., etc. It will take several days or more to remember everything so you will be adding to the list whenever you remember something. Then keep it with you and every time you start to miss the other person, or began to think about being with them, or get the desire to call them or check up on them go get your list and read it. When I got divorced (after ten years) by the time I finished my list it was seven pages long, and whenever I would start to feel anxiety and start justifying why I should call I would get out my list and I wouldn't get half way through the first page when I would come to my senses and feel SO MUCH BETTER. It is amazing how great this works.

 

The absolute worst thing you can do when someone you loves leaves you is to chase after them, or "accidentally" meet them in public, send them gifts, or whatever to try to get them to come back. This makes you appear desperate, clingy, whiny, and VERY unattractive, and causes the one you are trying to get back to lose even more respect for you. This does just the opposite of what you want it to do.

 

Also, make sure what you heard is actually what they said! So many people who are in love only hear what they want, or wish the other person said, and block out the things that don't fit in with that fantasy. They are completely blind and deaf to red warning flags telling them that the other person doesn't share their depth of feeling. Then when the relationship ends they get angry and feel betrayed, when they weren't betrayed at all, just blind and deaf to reality. For example: I was in a relationship with someone for two years after my divorce. He was a nice guy but I certainly wasn't in love and although we had some good times and got along well I told him many times during that two years that I wouldn't be around very long and that he shouldn't get to attached to me. I even made sure I told him this in front of witnesses once because I knew what was going to happen when I finally left, and I was right. He got angry and felt betrayed, and swore to everyone that I told him many times during the relationship that I loved him and promised to be with him forever.

 

Also, and this is just as important, if not more important then all of the above... DO NOT SIT HOME BY THE TELEPHONE HOPING THEY WILL CALL, do not call them FOR ANY REASON, do not drive by their house, do not ask your friends about them, and do not allow your friends to tell you if they saw them or spoke to them! Doing these things will only greatly prolong the pain and healing time and make you feel worse. Force yourself to go out as often as possible, even if you have to go alone. Go out to dinner, go to the movies, go feed the pigeons in the park, take a bike ride, go out with friends, whatever. Stay out late and force yourself to have a good time even if you don't feel like it. Make sure you always look your best, because when you least expect it all of a sudden you will meet someone and the first thing you know you will be thanking God Almighty that you are no longer in "that" relationship that made you feel so crappy. Get up, shake it off, get control of yourself and your life and stop feeling sorry for yourself. There is a whole world of people out there just waiting for you to meet them. If you do these things I promise you sometime in the very near future you will find yourself saying "I wonder what I ever saw in that person?" 8)

[fantasia2004]

very helpful points for everyone

 

The absolute worst thing you can do when someone you loves leaves you is to chase after them, or "accidentally" meet them in public, send them gifts, or whatever to try to get them to come back. This makes you appear desperate, clingy, whiny, and VERY unattractive, and causes the one you are trying to get back to lose even more respect for you. This does just the opposite of what you want it to do.

 

 

In this situation, it is most important because th e first couple of months are crucial if you want respect from the ex

[Mix Maxster]

and what KILLS me is that this is JUST PLAIN LOGICAL!!!

 

Really, its so obvious... if only we go "d'uh" before we actually did all the wrong things hey?

[dreamweaverdude]

I think the comment i took to heart the most is

So many people who are in love only hear what they want, or wish the other person said, and block out the things that don't fit in with that fantasy

 

I'm not sure how many times I've taken comments, actions and tried to add them up to MAKE THINGS FIT. Like trying to push that square peg in a round hole so that the fantsy or story makes sense, so that we don't lose faith in the other person. We want it to work so bad, we make everything fit. That has been a tough lesson for me. I think those that lack self-confidence in themselves are more likely to do this ( I know!).

 

Some very very excellent comments... not sure that thread shouldn't be tagged permanent somewhere for later retreival.

 

Excellent thoughts!

[Stari]

If you do these things I promise you sometime in the very near future you will find yourself saying "I wonder what I ever saw in that person?" 8)

This sounds like a person who tries to convince themselves and the world that they are a new person, totally different from yesterday. Admitting that there were things that attracted them might be dangerous if they loathe the person they were so much that they want to be someone else.

 

If one is only looking at negative of ones ex, one is still sorting out unpleasant parts of reality, parts that now do not fit into the image that the ex is evil. So in my view, the lesson from the breakup has not been learned. Do not we all have negative sides?

 

Someone has mentioned that carrying resentment changes who you are.

 

My view on breakup is expressed through the following Haiku:

 

Once it was better

The One and I together.

Now it is over.

 

 

New facts outweighs old ones, even if the old would be nicer to think about.

[califb]

I think the comment i took to heart the most is

So many people who are in love only hear what they want, or wish the other person said, and block out the things that don't fit in with that fantasy

 

I'm not sure how many times I've taken comments, actions and tried to add them up to MAKE THINGS FIT. Like trying to push that square peg in a round hole so that the fantsy or story makes sense, so that we don't lose faith in the other person. We want it to work so bad, we make everything fit. That has been a tough lesson for me. I think those that lack self-confidence in themselves are more likely to do this ( I know!).

 

 

I knew there was a better way to say that! Thanks for making that point much clearer. Sometimes when we want something so badly the line between reality and fantasy becomes blurred. I think it's a type of denial that our sub-conscience uses to keep us from having to face potentially painful emotional situations. Anyway, thank you for clearing up the meaning and saying it so well. ~ Karen

[califb]

If you do these things I promise you sometime in the very near future you will find yourself saying "I wonder what I ever saw in that person?" 8)

This sounds like a person who tries to convince themselves and the world that they are a new person, totally different from yesterday. Admitting that there were things that attracted them might be dangerous if they loathe the person they were so much that they want to be someone else.

 

If one is only looking at negative of ones ex, one is still sorting out unpleasant parts of reality, parts that now do not fit into the image that the ex is evil. So in my view, the lesson from the breakup has not been learned. Do not we all have negative sides?

 

 

New facts outweighs old ones, even if the old would be nicer to think about.

 

I think you misunderstood what I said. I never meant that you should loathe the other person, just that (during your healing period) you should avoid allowing yourself to think about anything that would cause you to miss the other person and to make a list of all of the things they did or said that hurt or betrayed you while you were together. The reason this is so important is because when a person is in pain from separation anxiety they tend to minimize the importance of the destructive and painful things the other person did to them in order to justify their overwhelming desire to contact them and ease the withdrawal symptoms. By allowing yourself to think about the positive aspects of the relationship while you are in emotional pain you are much more likely to lose your perspective and give in to withdrawal easing actions - which only increases the pain and prolongs the healing period.

[11flower]

This is amazing. Thanks so much for this great advice. This advice goes for me in other areas. I am not divorced, but I have recently lost a friend.

 

Anyway, this advice is great also for addictions and things we are so attached to that it's hard to let go and know there's hope for the better.

 

You've GIVEN AWESOME ADVICE! It's good to know someone else out there knows what it's like....

 

11F.

[SugarSweetness407]

all i can say is WOW...I am actually going to start making my list tonight. I truly believe everything you said was right, if i would have saw you post a while ago i would be in much better shape than i am in now, but i just want to thank you...

[califb]

You are more then welcome. I was searching the Internet for something and just happened to stumble accross this site. When I began to read all of the heartache and despair I knew I just had to help out. I've been where you are more times then I want to admit and learned how to survive the hard way. I'm glad you're making the list, it really does help A LOT. Let me know what you think.

 

Best of luck, Karen

[sleuth222]

i know all that, i think it comes with age..that is a very helpful email. i just can't seem to apply it this time.

 

this is crazy.

 

i've sent all these emails likle a lunatic.

 

and now i'm seeing him sunday night

 

i asked if we cold meet and he was like oh yeah, tentative sunday.

 

i don't know how to NOT go now wihtout looking like MORE of a lunatic!

[califb]

i know all that, i think it comes with age..that is a very helpful email. i just can't seem to apply it this time.

 

this is crazy.

 

i've sent all these emails likle a lunatic.

 

and now i'm seeing him sunday night

 

i asked if we cold meet and he was like oh yeah, tentative sunday.

 

i don't know how to NOT go now wihtout looking like MORE of a lunatic!

 

You have a couple of choices here. You can get control of your life and just not show up - and you'll have your self-respect, or you can meet with him (and yes, it will make you feel a little better - for the moment) and when he wants sex (and you know that's what he's going to want), and you give it to him, and afterwords he will still want nothing to do with you - you're going to feel SO MUCH WORSE. By chasing after him and trying to contact him you are feeding his ego (look how much she wants me). He's going to continue to take advantage of you as long as you let him and afterward he will have even less respect for you then he does now. If he doesn't want to be with you then you have to accept the fact that he just doesn't feel the same way about you then you do for him, and that he is only going to continue to hurt you and use you as long as you allow him to. Nothing you can do is going to make him love you the way you want and deserve. The feelings of anxiety and longing will not go away until you stop obsessing over him and let him go. You are going to have to do this eventually anyway, and the longer you wait the harder it is going to be.

[fantasia2004]

thanks calib

[ajk]

i think making a list and focusing on the negative things can be too painful for some people (myself included!).

it's precisely because my mind focuses on the negative that i have been feeling so hurt.

i would like to walk away from the relationship with my ex feeling like it was a good time in my life and the breakup didn't change that...

the relationship was great...the breakup was lousy.

i wouldn't have changed anything about the relationship.

i think in those cases, it's not helpful to focus on the negative, because you're really just injuring your view of yourself.

[cassiana]

im like ajk. our relationship was idyllic, thats what made the breakup so unexpected and painful. I tried to make a list and the only bad thing on it is, he ended it.

[sleuth222]

OK I'm making my list.

 

I'm going to try not to go tomorrow night and try NC.

 

I don't know.........this is really hard.

[califb]

You are right that it is hard to do.. Breaking an attachment to someone that you love is the same as overcoming an addiction to drugs or alcohol, because you are literally addicted to that person just as if you were addicted to a drug. Resisting the urge to give in to your cravings is one of the most difficult things you will ever do, but your reward will be that you will be much stronger, wiser, and happier, with much more confidence and self-esteem then you have now. Another positive aspect of this painful time is that in the future you will have the knowledge and insight to remember to look beyond the superficial things that attract you to someone and look carefully at the inner person before allowing yourself to become emotionally involved with them. Hang in there it gets a little better every day. Just remember to take it one day (or even one hour) at a time, try not to get discouraged, and you'll do great. Feel free to E mail me if you need someone to talk to. email removed

 

~ Karen

[califb]

i think making a list and focusing on the negative things can be too painful for some people (myself included!).

it's precisely because my mind focuses on the negative that i have been feeling so hurt.

i would like to walk away from the relationship with my ex feeling like it was a good time in my life and the breakup didn't change that...

the relationship was great...the breakup was lousy.

i wouldn't have changed anything about the relationship.

i think in those cases, it's not helpful to focus on the negative, because you're really just injuring your view of yourself.

 

It's true that there are some relationships that end with both parties understanding and accepting the reasons for the ending, and with the one who didn't want it to end being able to go on with their life without feeling angry or confused. If this is how your relationship ended you are someone who is realistic, self validating, and able to view difficult situations in a non-destructive manner (three cheers to your parents who taught you to have self-esteem and confidence in yourself!). You are able to handle the pain without letting it overwhelm you.

Unfortunately a large percentage of the people out there aren't fortunate enough to have the coping skills that are instilled through proper nurturing or obtained from years of experience. Many of these people feel completely lost and are struggling to understand and handle the overwhelming feelings of abandonment and betrayal after losing someone they were so attached to. This is why I said it is important to make a list to help keep the reasons for the break up in perspective and as a constant reminder to not give in to their overwhelming urge to seek out and/or contact the person they are missing.

[ajk]

no, i didn't understand/accept the reasons for the ending...i am only starting to now, but it is after a time of a lot of pain about it. i definitley am not one of those whose parents taught them how to view things in a non-destructive manner. it was quite the opposite and i am definitely battling feelings of abandonment. that is what the breakup and manner of breakup triggered, which has been the problem.

 

what i was saying is that the relationship was filled with so many good things that there really were no negatives. we were together nearly every day for about 6 months, and broke up after we had been long distance for 2 months. in our most recent conversation, he said that it was the only thing that did us in, and it was the issue of him having been in a five year relationship that left him very lonely during a period of long distance, when she broke up with him (complicated by him being in a place now that held memories of her). i know those were his issues, nothing to do with me, and i've told him now (only a couple of days ago) that i need to walk away from this with positive feelings and not the negative feelings that things he said (during our three week over-the-phone breakup with a lot of crying on both of our parts) caused.

 

for me, it's not the person, my ex, who i need to make the 'list' about. it's the feelings from my past...issues with my parents and other relationships...the triggers that make my feelings of abandoment so strong, and made them strong during the period of long distance. yes, i could make a list about the breakup issues and how he handled that, but how i let them occur also rested on my shoulders, and i do need to look at what i did 'wrong', in my opinion, so that *i* can grow.

 

what i said in my last post in this thread is that it's not healthy to erase the good things about the relationship, especially when it's one that's added to your sense of self and self-esteem. otherwise i would be saying that i'm a victim and that the bad overwhelmed the good, and that was not and is not the case. i don't think it's healthy in cases like that for people to negate the good things by making a list, as you say.

[ajk]

just to clarify a little, it was me looking at the negatives from the breakup in my head and how those things started eroding my sense of having been loved during the prior period that was the problem. i need to combat the negatives so that they don't do that.

 

i just think that people's psychologies are so intricate and there is no one way to get over someone that applies to every relationship. for me personally, adding more negatives is something i have to fight against doing. i am looking more for a place of love/spirituality that holds me up.

 

i was treated VERY well in the relationship. if i had been treated poorly or even less well than what i was, it would have been different. it was my ex who taught me the good things about love, things that my parents did not and that no previous relationships had. that's an important part of why i say that looking for negatives would erode what i got from the relationship.

[califb]

 

i just think that people's psychologies are so intricate and there is no one way to get over someone that applies to every relationship. for me personally, adding more negatives is something i have to fight against doing. i am looking more for a place of love/spirituality that holds me up.

 

I agree with you completely that this advice does not apply to relationships that did not have negative aspects or that did not end badly. But it is VERY effective during the healing process for those who want to move on but are having a difficult time coping with the separation anxiety and resisting the urge to contact the other person.

[califb]

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[LifePak]

Good post, keeping it as reference