Please Help me........ive got a good girl

[aries]

Hello.....Im 27 years old. I have been with my girlfirend for the last 3 years now. She is a GREAT person.....has done so much for me. She has also never judged me. I LOVE HER.....SHE IS MY BEST FRIEND...BUT......I think i want to break up. I believe that we are not on the same level sexually and am completely bored in that department of our relationship. I am a little wild and adventurous......and she is totally not. I dont know what to do........i feel i know what i have to do...but dont know how to go about it. I know she has been talking to her friends about marriage(seriously). I dont want to hurt her feelings ....i really dont. I just dont think i can go on my entire life with a great "friend". Well thats what i will have if i am not sexually satisfied at all...right? Not that sex is everything...but i am feeling as if there is no romantic chemistry at all.....no flirting...no hot dates....no sexy dressing....ya know?

I feel like a child writing this....but just dont know what to do. She has changed my life for the better......I have experienced, seen things and met people that have enriched my life through her....but i dont feel the romance aka sexual chemistry aka SPARK> Someone please help me in providing mature intellectual guidance. Thanks

[titan]

Before you break-up i would suggest either talking to her i know it may be hard or take a break a break to me is that you still want to be with that person but just need time re-asses your feelings for that person.

 

Why don't you organise some "hot" dates or suggest more adverenterous stuff.

[youngin]

buy her lingerie (sp?) mebbe? that should send a strong hint

[melrich]

Hi Aries,

 

The obvious question to ask is have you talked to her about this? Does she know what you want? Some people are very shy about being overtly sexual and she may be that way inclined. On the other hand some people just play a role they think their partner wants them to play. She may come accross as all meek and retiring when it comes to sexuality but in fact she may also just be the tiger you want.

 

I don't know have you talked to her?

[aries]

I have spoken to her in he past. We might spice things up for a very brief moment...but them it goes back to the same old thing. At this point i have realized that you cant really change someone. They are who they are. If they change for you....they eventually will be unhappy becasue they are doing waht is not natural for them. Does anyone think I am being completely imature for finding an issue in the lack of Sexual/ romantic connection?

[aries]

Just so that everyone knows....we ahve spoken before .....I am very sexual....she is not. I feel that she is sexual in touch wiht herself as a woman at 28 yrs old. I have tried to explore this area and help her find "woman-hood" but just doesnt work. It always goes back to the same thing. I dont want to be alone......but yet i am always looking at other women. Basically she has lost my interest a a lover.

 

I appreciate everyones opinion....I would also like to hear from any mature minded woman that may be reading this. Thanks

[melrich]

No you are not being immature. If you are not sexually connected and it is causing you problems now these will only magnify in the future.

 

If you have discussed this with her and really feel that she cannot satisfy your desires the I think you do seriously have to think about breaking up with her.

 

Just remember though it is very rare to find a realtionship where the initial all encompassing sexual passion lasts forever and keeps getting stronger. i think most experienced people would agree that it starts to wane (slowly) after about 6 months.

[annie24]

Seriously - just talk to her about it. Tell her that for a life-long relationship, having an exciting sex life is very important to you. You two can hopefully come to some kind of compromise. Tell her how you really feel.

 

Is this the only thing about the relationship that is bothering you?

[aries]

But it is now vertualy non-existent. If we could connect in that way every onece in a while....then ok.....but we dont. We get the basic job done and thats it. Doesnt that kind of suck?

 

We dont ever fight or anything. We are very co-operative with each other.

[shes2smart]

No, sex isn't everything, but it IS something. It is the thing that separates a friendship from a different kind of relationship.

 

Try talking to her about what your needs/desires are in this area. You do owe her the opportunity to see if the two of you can improve this area of your relationship.

 

If it is something that you cannot work out satisfactorily for BOTH parties, then maybe you do need to find someone else. If you're not getting your needs met in this area and you continue the relationship, you are setting yourself up for frustration at the very least and possibly setting the stage where you're going to be ripe for an affair after a period of time.

 

It's not the most important thing in a relationship, but if you're not getting enough of your needs met on a regular basis, it'll start to seem like THE MOST important thing.

[aries]

This pretty much is hte only thing that really bothers me........but she says that sex isnt everything and no relationshiop should me soley based on that. I agree.......not soley.....but it is VERY important to have that connection, satisfaction, and enjoyment. NO? Like i've said before. She is not a sexual person at all. She has truley amazing legs.....yet never shows them off in a skirt....even though she knows i loooooooooooveeee skirts and a nice apir of heels.....heehee .

[aries]

SHESTOSMART...........what you said is exactly how i feel. if the needs are being met.......no one thinks twice about it.....but if not...its the biggest ordeal.

[shes2smart]

Just remember though it is very rare to find a realtionship where the initial all encompassing sexual passion lasts forever and keeps getting stronger. i think most experienced people would agree that it starts to wane (slowly) after about 6 months.

 

If you don't work at it and consciously try to keep things interesting, yes, it will wane. But there are enough variations and activities to keep the sexual sparks flying between two healthy, creative people for a loooong time.

 

Both partners have to be comfortable with their own sexuality, share their thoughts and desires, and be willing to experiment...it also helps if you put your partner's satisfaction on a par with your own.

 

If you've got a situation where partner A shares some desires with partner B, and partner B gets all judgmental and tells partner A they're a kinked-out freak...that's pretty much gonna kill any experimentation. It's going to put the start of a wall between the partners and distance them from one another. How eager would you be to share any intimacies with someone you know is going to judge you? This happened in my husband's first marriage and I can see how deeply it affected him when we first started dating.

 

This is something that a lot of women don't seem to get. In general, a guy is going to equate intimacy with sex. If you can't accept his sexuality, then he's going to feel as if you're not accepting HIM. Doesn't mean you have to do anything you don't enjoy...but I really believe most women could be a little more flexible in this area than they are without compromising themselves.

 

Would it have hurt my husband's ex to do indulge some of his desires? No, absolutely not. He's got a bit of a shoe fetish. He would like to see his woman wearing specific shoes on occasion. No big deal. I've had all manner of problems with my feet (including surgeries on both), and I have to wear arch supports but I can manage to indulge him now and again, and he's greatful for it. He appreciates that I will do this (and other things) for him...and he treats me like I'm the center of his world because I accept and accommodate his quirks....sexual and otherwise. Because she called him a kinked-out freak, I have this great relationship....her loss was definitely my gain.

 

Double bonus...he LOVES to go shoe shopping.

[aries]

Good for you..........

 

 

by the way....theres nothing sexier than a great pair of heels and a woman who knows how to walk in them.......just me

[aries]

Shes2smart.....once again........i feel you are definitely right.......about the whole man/woman and sex thing. Your man is a lucky guy.

[shes2smart]

Shes2smart.....once again........i feel you are definitely right.......about the whole man/woman and sex thing. Your man is a lucky guy.

 

Truth of the matter is we're both lucky, because that acceptance and accommodation goes both ways.

[Rosa]

Aries you have just described my same situation, I'm very sexual and love to try new things, my new b/f is just "basic" and i'm also loosing sexual interest for him if not all.., I tell my friends all the time that I feel like i'm going out with my best friend and that's it, not my lover or my partner. This guy is great, has everything going for him, and i'm very greatful that we met because he has also helped me in very though times, and has been there for me I have a strong feeling that he's even in love with me,( we only have 7 month into our relationship) and my sexual spark for him died the second time I slept with him, I've tried a lot of things, wearing very sexy clothe to see if something inside of him wakes up, but no, same old, same old, we go to the basics, I'm almost giving up, and I don't know how else to tell him that I need more spice in my life, I've tried talking to him, I find it easier when we have a couple of drinks so we can really let loose of our feelings, and even then I tell him, he listens because I see him absorbing the info but does not do anything about it.....he sais his ex was very sexual, and that she always used to come onto him, and I'm not used to being all on top of him all the time, but I do come on to him maybe not as much as I should but is just that I already know how is gonna be, and soo there is no excitement of how is gonna feel next you know? i'm wondering if anyone can give us some useful advice, I'm even thinking of breaking up with him, but I'm scared that i'm gonna loose this great guy that all my friends and family are in love with just because i'm looking at the sexual side of the relationship.

[striderhiryu81]

Hi aries.

 

I think that you should give it another go. How about experimenting with some of her fantasies? In my limited experiences, I have found that every girl I've had experiences with (usually not intercourse, but sometimes) has been willing to try different things that I suggested SOLELY because she wanted to please me. I was grateful for that and returned the favor by asking what her fantasies were and tried what I was willing to do to please her.

 

She may act like she isn't interested at all, but she has something that turns her on or that she thinks about. Maybe she would like it if you focused on her by just kissing and touching her all over. No sex. "Okay, lets try it! I want to make you happy!" Ask her what turns her on, and what sexual secrets she may have. Tell her that you like when she wears skirts and heels and that you'd like to see her in some right before or as you make love. That really can't be that much to ask and if you start her off slow, she may be more willing to ease into other more "exciting" things. But it is not all about you...maybe she wants you in a firefighter hat. Haha. Its about compromise.

 

I'm sure that you have tried, but this time ease her into it. Thats what I did with great results for both involved.

[aries]

Rosa

 

That is exaclty how i feel. Sounds like you and I need to hook up I feel the same way....i dont even want to bother with doing anything casue i know that it is going to be disapponinting. I have tried to make it all about her .........and even ask her to tell me waht she wants ....waht she likes......YOU KNOW WHAT SHE TELLS ME ....."I DONT KNOW" ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH. So trying to be patient....i have tried to explore things.....to no avail........useless.

 

Im just extremely upset at the fact that I know I am gonna wind up hurting this person that cares for me very much and has done so much for me on my way to being the person I am today both personally and in my career. That is what keeps me from cutting it off. i dont want to hurt her.

 

Anyway Rosa.....sounds like you and I share something in common....write me if you need support or a guy's perspective.

 

 

/

[aries]

Stride:

 

I have asked her about her fanatsies and she tells me she doesnt know or doesnt really have any.......what the hell am i to say to that.......I've gone a discussed at lenght with her...still nothing. Sexually DEAD.

[Abacab]

To Aries and Rosa,

 

You two should read my post at link removed to get a glimpse as to what may happen if you both continue with your current relationships.

 

I have not left my wife yet, we are still communicating, but we are fast approaching that milestone called divorce... She knows I love her dearly, but just doesn't feel like we should enjoy sexual intimacy. I Agree that sex isn't everything in a relationship; it just becomes bigger everyday when your needs (including the desire to please your partner) are not met..

[aries]

Thanks ABACAB..............I think i know what I have to do.....but I think i keep putting it off casue I really dont want to hurt this girl and I dont kno how to go about while making it as "undramatic" as possible. I know when the time comes.....I will miss her emensly(sp) as she is my best friend and confidant....she just isnt my "lover" and that is where the problem exists.

 

 

Any tips.......how did you speak to your wife.......or was it another unrealated issue that sparked the seperation?

[Abacab]

Hi Aries..

 

Everybody's situation is quite different, but in my case, when the subject comes up, she tells me that should I divorce her, I'd get remarried right away, which I acknowledge and is not so far from the truth. Another instance is that when she asks me do I love her, I reply "yes", and then she adds "but you're not satisfied with our marriage" and I reply again "yes".

 

I have told her directly that I'm not ready to make any plans for the future, pending her reflection on the whole situation... But in the end, you can't teach an old dog new tricks and neither she, nor would I be changing our position on this matter (especially after spending 20 years for the sake of the kid). She always knew it was my responsibilities to our kid which made me stay and I made that point quite clear on many occasions.

 

Don't get me wrong, she's a great person; but not the one I intend to spend the rest of my life with...

 

Hope the above helped a bit.

[aries]

Thanks ABACAB

[sasha12]

IMO, it sounds like you know exactly what you need in your relationship, whereas your gf doesn't. I think the sexual capatability in a relationship can be vital to whether or not the relationship is going to work. It sounds like your thoroughly disappointed with the sex in your relationship. Even if the companionship is the there, passion isn't, and your lacking excitement in your relationship making you feel bored.