To tell, or hold my tongue?

[MissMelissa]

I am divorced mother of two teenagers - my son is 18 and lives with his father, and my daughter is 15 and lives with me. I have a decent relationship with their father, though we don’t talk often, and only about the kids.

 

I have always been open and available to my kids to discuss whatever was on their minds, and tried VERY hard to listen without judgment, advise without disdain, use humor when appropriate and gravity when necessary. This open-door policy has been a great thing, in my opinion. It has led to some interesting talks about relationships, expectations, limits and the future. It recently led to my 18-year old son filling me in on some things I was NOT very happy to hear.

 

I had to take him to a physical exam, which required a 1.5 hour drive up and back. On the way home, he must have been feeling the effects of his latte, because he started talking up a storm. He filled me in his favorite type of beer (out of the handful he’s sampled), the two times he drank to excess and threw up, that he prefers being “this side of buzzed versus trashed, because it’s a good feeling”. He promises that he isn’t, and hasn’t, used drugs.

 

He also told me, in limited detail, about losing his virginity this summer. And promised to come home from the military (he leaves in January) to “kick the butt of the guy who takes my sister too far”, because “she needs to wait until she’s graduated, too, before she loses hers”.

 

My son told me all of this in confidence. These are things he hasn’t even told his dad (though the family does know about one weekend his dad let him go away with friends for a weekend, and he admitted to drinking for two days. His father caught my wrath for that, as did my son). My dilemma? What am I obligated to tell his dad, what should I mention, what can I leave out?

 

I know he has the right to know what our son is doing under his care. But is it MY place to tell him, or should I suggest our son talk to him about this? I haven’t talked to anyone else about this, and have spent the past two weeks trying to figure out what to do … Suggestions? Advice? ANYTHING?!

[mhowe]

Your son is 18, and is acting his age. I think it is great he shared it with you ---- and that at most, you could suggest he talk to his dad.

However, the drinking has already been addressed ---- and him losing his virginity isn't anyones business but his.

 

He told you in confidence. You need to respect that.

[Seraphim]

Well, he is 18. Legally he is an adult. It is sometimes hard to accept that our children become adults. I don't think you need to rat him out. There is nothing catastrophic there. Just tell him to always be safe. ALWAYS use condoms no matter what the woman says. And be safe in drinking. Don't drive. Don't get into cars with drunk people . Know your limit.

 

If you rat him out he won't trust you or talk to you.

 

Just remind him of safety.

[agent1607307371]

He's 18. He's not behaving inappropriately, and tbh, it's great that he feel's he can share with you. I don't think you're obliged to tell his Dad anything. At this age, as long as he's not being stupid, it wouldn't be parent talk, it would be betraying confidences.

 

And you don't know what he's sharing with his Dad anyway.

[Applewhite]

I'm concerned about his macho behavior towards his sister. I'm particularly unimpressed with the part of him policing his sister's virginity. That is very ignorant and invasive. He doesn't own her or her virginity, and deserves the right to her body, her privacy etc.

[MissMelissa]

Thank you VERY much! In my heart, I felt that this was information shared with me to be kept to myself. The last thing I wanted to do was break his confidence. It's hard enough, at his age, to get him to open up and share.

 

I have ALWAYS told my kids to practice safe sex, use a condom, and remove it immediately. (I had a HUGE scare late last year when a girl my son was dating posted on FB that she was pregnant. Thankfully, he was smart enough to NOT have sex with her when she insisted, because the next guy she dated got her pregnant.)

 

As for drinking - I've always warned my kids of the dangers of drinking with their friends, how careless and dangerous they can be. I've told them that, if they give in to peer pressure and drink, CALL ME, no matter the time or location - I will pick them up. But that isn't a license to drink, knowing Mom will pick them up, and they are still tasked with being responsible and standing up for themselves when they say no.

 

Thanks again for the support.

[MissMelissa]

I'm concerned about his macho behavior towards his sister. I'm particularly unimpressed with the part of him policing his sister's virginity. That is very ignorant and invasive. He doesn't own her or her virginity, and deserves the right to her body, her privacy etc.

 

He is fairly protective of his sister and, while I appreciated the sentiment, I don't worry about him following through. He knows that her body is her body, and what she does with it is her business. I also know that she wouldn't share that information with him simply because she is as private as her mother is.

[Seraphim]

Then you are a great mom have no worries. He is just stretching his wings and wants you part of that. A reason to rejoice! The fact he shares with you says you are a great mom.

[Seraphim]

He is fairly protective of his sister and, while I appreciated the sentiment, I don't worry about him following through. He knows that her body is her body, and what she does with it is her business. I also know that she wouldn't share that information with him simply because she is as private as her mother is.

 

Yes, it is just protective bravado of a young man nothing more.

[MissMelissa]

Then you are a great mom have no worries. He is just stretching his wings and wants you part of that. A reason to rejoice! The fact he shares with you says you are a great mom.

 

Thank you VERY much! I appreciate that.

 

I took how I was raised as an example of what I didn't want to do with my kids. My parents NEVER talked to me about sex, drinking, drugs - except to say "Don't do it!". When I started my period, I had to go to my best friend to figure out what was going on!

 

I have great kids, and I am very proud of them. I hope a small part of that is due to me.

[Clinton]

You're doing fine. My wife and I are divorced and some things they went to me with, some to her.

 

Unless it was something of a nature that had to be shared for the welfare of the child, we held their confidences.

 

Be happy he confides in you. I think it's great.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm sure your heart is in the right place, but unless it's a life threatening issue, I would keep it between you and your son. The one thing to avoid is creating a situation where he refuses to confide in you, due to a lack of trust.

 

Other than that, I agree with Vic as in you have on good head on your shoulders.

[SooSad33]

He's 18 now. Not 14. This is normal. YOU have to learn to accept this. At this age, you really have NO control over him.

Time for acceptance and respect that he's grown up

By 18 it's normal to have lost one's virginity and same for using alcohol.

 

What you could say to his father.. is have a good, decent talk with your son. Make sure he's using protection during sex and has to 'understand' the affects of alcohol. It's time for him to be aware & cautious, is all.

 

You can also talk to him, since he came out & spoke with you about thiese things.. but remember, try to understand and respect...