What does a girl mean when she says....

[Scoe141]

She doesn't want to "drag" me through her "crazy" life if it continues.

 

I've been dating this girl for about 4 months now. Here are some details:

 

• She works and commutes a lot. I'm talking about a 90min commute to her first job, 30 minutes to her second then back home another 35-40min. Basically she's out of the house from 6:30am until 8p.m.

• She works 6 days a week, sometimes 7 depending on if she has freelance.

• Every day isn't a 12 hour day, but I'd say it's split 3 days, with the other 3 being about 7 hour days. (She works two part time jobs.)

• We talk severals times a week (usually it's when she's returning home) and see each other maybe once a week.

• We have to rely on texting most of the time due to our living conditions. (She lives at him and wants to be private since her room is adjacent to her parents.)

 

Lately she's been exhausted and feeling run down and stressed. (And with good reason). We both care deeply for one another and want to see this relationship work. However, last night she came over and had dinner after work. I could tell she was tired, but she said she wasn't feeling well. She canceled the night before because she was so tired, but didn't want to a second time. (She lives about 45 minutes from me.)

 

Before she was left, I wanted to check in with her feelings to make she that she was "OK". She said she was too tired and just wanted to go home. I didn't want to push it and told her that I was willing to work with our schedules. She said she didn't know if she could continue dragging me through her crazy schedule, if things didn't improve (with her life). She has also mentioned that she feels bad that she we can't spend more time together. She said she loves me and has admired how it's been able to work so far.

 

When she got home, her parent's weren't there and she called me about and we spoke for 45 minutes. She texted me before she went to bed after that, thanking me and said she wished we could fall asleep holding one another.

 

Lately, I've been giving her space, but letting know that I am there for her, in whatever capacity she needs. Basically everything a guy could do for a relationship. I just don't understand why someone would say that they love someone, yet says that might not want to "drag them along" if their schedule doesn't improve. Does that make sense?

 

 

Thanks for any help.

[CraigHowes]

She is lacking balance in her life which is making her question every aspect in her life including you.

 

If you look behind the meaning of what she is saying she is saying she is not happy with the current situation and is trying to find a way out. If you look at her actions it makes sense.

 

Too tired to see you, too stressed, not excited by you anymore. It's a dangerous spiral leading to her slowly pulling away from you while you try to support and pull her closer to you.

 

You need to sit down with her and have a serious conversion with her as to where she sees this is going. You can't save her and help her figure things out that's up to her.

 

When either partner stops putting in the same effort and commitment as yourself then you seriously need to look at your relationship as a whole.

 

I assume since this last attempt at meeting she hasn't suggested a new date or time to meet up with you?

[Scoe141]

You need to sit down with her and have a serious conversion with her as to where she sees this is going. You can't save her and help her figure things out that's up to her.

 

You're absolutely right. I just don't want to back her into a corner and feel like she has to make a decision. We've mentioned it (the future of our relationship) briefly, and she said take we should one day at a time. Interestingly I just finished reading Al Turtles blog about "clingers/avoiders". It was really profound and struck a familiar chord. A lot of what he wrote emulated what I experience with "Jane". I'm going to follow what he suggested a bit more and see if it helps.

 

 

I assume since this last attempt at meeting she hasn't suggested a new date or time to meet up with you?

 

Nothing definitive. She did ask about my schedule next weekend, but we haven't set a date yet. Since she's stressed, I don't want to push it. I feel it's best to back off a bit more and let her rest. (Plus it hasn't helped that prior to this weekend, we were arguing a bit more which didn't help matters.) Since then, we've spoke about things which opened the lines of communication and helped me to be more understanding. I could sense a bit of relief from her because of it.

 

Thanks Craig for your insight. It's much appreciated.

[Ms Darcy]

She cares for you but her mental energy isn't in the game. I think she's trying to prepare you for the fact that she may withdraw and end things.

[FreeFallFeelin]

Timing is everything in life. And right now it sounds like she doesn't have time for you, or even herself. She's suffocated with her own life, and even if she "loves" you (a word that gets used far too easily), she may not have the space or energy to maintain a relationship at all.

 

You're very young. You will have many relationships in the years to come. Try to be realistic about the chances of this relationship holding together, and prepare yourself for the inevitable ending. To me, it sounds like she's already made her decision, and is trying to let you go gently.

[Scoe141]

Thanks for the replies.

 

 

She cares for you but her mental energy isn't in the game. I think she's trying to prepare you for the fact that she may withdraw and end things.

 

Yea, that's what my discernment is telling me. It's like watching a fireworks show knowing there's a grand finale. You know its coming, but you just don't know when.

 

 

Timing is everything in life. And right now it sounds like she doesn't have time for you, or even herself. She's suffocated with her own life, and even if she "loves" you (a word that gets used far too easily), she may not have the space or energy to maintain a relationship at all..... To me, it sounds like she's already made her decision, and is trying to let you go gently.

 

It would make sense. I guess I care too much to throw in the towel at this point. At the same time, I'm not afraid to accept defeat either.

 

We spoke earlier and had a conversation about our relationship. Initially (weeks prior) I thought she wasn't interested in our relationship due to the fact we hardly saw each other. I wasn't trusting, because I thought if two people wanted to see one another, then they would make it would. (Especially since I noticed a decrease in time spent.)

 

In fact, it was due to the abundance of work she has and our conflicting schedules. It finally sunk it after several conversations. (We've had this conversation multiple times.) Which is absolutely my fault for not just listening the first time.

 

Anyway, she said that she does want to continue this relationship with me. But said that if I can't be more trusting of our relationship (meaning that she does in fact want to spend time with me, but can't due to the scheduling) then it's not going to work. She said she can't carry her schedule and the burden of worrying about me. Which I agreed with. I didn't argue and told her that it's clear to me and am willing to put forth the effort.

 

I guess anything is possible... dare I ask anyone to place bets here in my favor?

 

Thanks again for taking the time to read this and respond.

[Sportster2005]

She says what she means or she is letting you down easy. Either way this might be difficult to navigate through. Stress that doesn't get resolved is death to relationships. Especially shorter relationships. Four months is not a long time to bond and love someone else.

[Scoe141]

She says what she means or she is letting you down easy. Either way this might be difficult to navigate through. Stress that doesn't get resolved is death to relationships. Especially shorter relationships. Four months is not a long time to bond and love someone else.

 

You're right. I've learned to try and not guess how something will turn out based on my own opinion. I am understanding and certainly considerate of her feelings. I am just trying my best to alleviate her stress. I am open to suggests if you guys (and gals) have any. So far, I'm going to give her the space she needs. But I will also be there for her. I'm also not going to question her motives for not hanging out when she can (which also includes texting phone etc.) and work on any insecurities that I may have.

 

Either way, it will work out one way or another. Thanks again for your help.