How could she become SO cold so quickly!?

[fernando2826]

My now ex-girlfriend (J), 20, and I had been seeing each other for 6 months. Things became very deep during this time, particularly in the last few months. We went on an amazing holiday, lived together for a few weeks and spent every night together.

 

We regularly told one another "I love you", J would refer to me as her “soulmate", tell me that she wanted to spend her life with me, wishfully discussed our future children and said, in all seriousness, that she would want to move to Australia with me after university. She even stated that she would be uncertain about an abortion, given that it would be my child.

 

She would rarely show great enthusiasm and was extremely laid back. A typical evening might involve a luke-warm reception (no smile or hug unless instigated by me) and somewhat difficult conversation to which I would contribute the majority of the enthusiasm. Gradually, the level of intimacy and affection she would show would increase, eventually reaching the levels previously mentioned. If we parted the next visit would proceed similarly.

 

Now, I was already concerned about her suitability for a long-term relationship, given that she cheated on her ex-bf – she explained that they didn’t see one another frequently enough due to university separation, and that, after a year, she got bored and fell out of love with him. What compounded my doubts was her saying that she hadn’t felt guilty, because she didn't love him anymore. In addition to this, I was concerned by her love of male attention, even whilst in my company (perhaps attributable to insecurity over her weight – related to an eating disorder - and looks) She adored sex and admiration.

 

After 6 months together, we both departed for university, telling one another that we so wanted things to work. During our time apart, she spoke of her excitement over seeing me in the coming weeks and I received several drunken phone calls during which she stated that she was desperate for things to work, that she needed me to be there to reassure her that she could succeed on her degree, that she missed me a great deal and loved me more so still. But by around 3 weeks she had stopped making any effort to contact me and I would often not receive responses to messages/phone calls for 24 hours.

 

I visited her days later, only for her to ignore me the entire time, to show no enthusiasm for my presence (almost annoyance), to text her new friends and to say that she didn't have the emotional or time capacity to make a relationship work alongside her demanding course. She was dispassionate this entire time. When I turned up for this visit she was wearing his jumper, which he had apparently given her the night before, and told me excitedly about the movie they had watched whilst cuddling together (although omitted any mention of the context).

 

After some probing, she admitted that she had been invited back to another guy's house and slept in his bed, cuddling all night, but swore to me that nothing more intimate had happened and I do believe her (given my understanding of her tone of voice etc). She was, however, flirtatiously texting this guy in front of me the entire time I was there, even as we ended things, and only showed any measure of happiness when he responded. We discussed how the long-distance scenario wasn't going to work and broke up amidst a great many tears. She also asked me to reassure her that we could reinstate things at a later date and after some settling in time (not unreasonable, although odd given her earlier behaviours).

 

She seemed to be very loving and affectionate during the right moments i.e. watching a movie/in bed/after sex (particularly during the latter stages) but could also be disinterested and condescending. She could also be quite selfish - "forgetting her wallet", buying expensive items despite owing me money which I was in need of etc. She said that before she met me she found it very difficult to open up to people emotionally, even to her previous bf of 2 years, and had never discussed her previous issues surrounding eating disorders, her parents’ divorce and her issues with self-image.

 

In terms of family history, her mother and father divorced when she was young, under suspicion of his cheating. He then went on to cheat on his next wife (whom J liked very much) and to marry his mistress. Her mother has been with a partner, unmarried, for the last 12 years.

 

She often said that she thought of herself as an individual, not needing to be part of a group and not wanting to depend on people yet told me on several occasions in the weeks we were apart - "I need you to be here to tell me everything is going to be alright", "I miss everything about you, I think I actually need you”. Despite this apparent need, she was often very laid back as mentioned.

 

She frequently said that she wished we had met after university, due to her propensity to engage in "self-sabotaging behaviours" – cheating, promiscuity in younger days, drug taking and clubbing - and was scared of ruining our relationship. She also frequently said that she was afraid that I was going to meet someone at university.

 

When we ended she was a mess, saying that she wished we had met after university so we could have had a future/still wanted a future etc, so she surely still cared? But at the same time, she said she rarely thought of me or her "old" life whilst at university. She immediately started “seeing” the guy she shared a bed with after we parted.

 

When I received midnight phone calls saying how she "so wanted it to work" and how she was "so afraid" I was going to meet someone, was this an indication that she was grieving for the relationship, subconsciously knowing it wouldn't work, hence her apparent quick recovery? Or is she just finding it very easy to ignore the situation (hence the emotion shown when I was actually present) - she said she rarely thinks of home and doesn't miss it, wouldn't rather be anywhere else than her dream current university etc – drama, leading to a career in acting. Surely she cannot have moved on in just a few weeks from something so intense?? Or is this just consistent with a particular personality type?

[Kirstya59]

Wow that's a big post! Here's my thought, 6 months is a very short time together, it's where you're in the 'honeymoon' period and everything all dandy. This girl got bored of her ex and fell out of love with him. That relationship was 2 years. Now to me it seems like she's gone to uni and realised what it's like such as going out on freshers and meeting new people blah blah blah, so she doesn't want 'baggage' but yet she says all this stuff because as you said earlier she enjoys the attention she recieves from males. So by her doing all this silly stuff makes you give her attention, which she wants but actually isn't bothered about you. Once a cheat always a cheat. Saying stuff like wish you'd met till after uni is rubbish because she's just saying that to string you along as if there's some hope after it. Sack her offff

[SooSad33]

"My now ex-girlfriend (J), 20, and I had been seeing each other for 6 months. Things became very deep during this time, particularly in the last few months. We went on an amazing holiday, lived together for a few weeks and spent every night together"

- This is a bit much for only being 6 month time span.

Sounds like you two rushed into it all a little fast.

 

"Surely she cannot have moved on in just a few weeks from something so intense?? Or is this just consistent with a particular personality type?"

-She sounds somewhat confused and uncertain or unstable.

 

As mentioned, it was like a trial period for you two. The honeymoon phase...

 

Best just work on accepting her choice and work on letting her go.

[ParisPaulette]

Now, I was already concerned about her suitability for a long-term relationship, given that she cheated on her ex-bf – she explained that they didn’t see one another frequently enough due to university separation, and that, after a year, she got bored and fell out of love with him. What compounded my doubts was her saying that she hadn’t felt guilty, because she didn't love him anymore. In addition to this, I was concerned by her love of male attention, even whilst in my company (perhaps attributable to insecurity over her weight – related to an eating disorder - and looks) She adored sex and admiration.

 

It's really simple how she could be so cold. You ignored clear, blazingly clear in the sky, screaming red flags on this girl. That she has serious problems forming full-on relationships and appears to need the thrill of the new and nothing else. Also that things moved way, way, wayyyy too fast. Consider the first six months of any relationship your honeymoon/lust/infatuation phase during which time hopefully you both get to know each other better as people in the midst of all the sex and whatnot. And realize that once that honeymoon period is over there will be one of two things: a cooling off, which for some people ranges from "let's take it a bit slower" to downright deepfreeze, "get away from me, I don't love you after all now that I know you and the endorphin high of new love has shut down" OR a deepening love in which you both grow closer and start to form a lasting bond.

 

In your case the former is what happened and you should have paid attention to those red flags. I know it's easy for me to side chair quarterback that for you, I've been there myself with the whole "I'm the exception to the rule and he/she has finally met me, their true love, so I'll just ignore those little past things 'cause they've changed." And sadly that's just usually not true.

 

All you can do is go NC, heal and learn to pay closer attention to red flags when you see them. Not everyone will do what she did, but yeah the writing was on that wall that you'd be just one more wounded ex for her. I'm sorry, it sucks i know.